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Book 4: Spirit

Chapter 1: Azula's Lost Days

Page 9– Bitter Medicine

"What do you mean better? She's getting worse!" Zuko's voice boomed in his throne room as he glared down at the man standing before him. Katara winced at the anger in his voice, and she was not even on the receiving end of his outburst. The flames behind his throne flared with his anger as Katara watched him try to calm himself with deep and slow breathing. She wondered why she had been asked to attend a meeting between Zuko and Azula's physician.

"Your Excellency… you have to understand the mind is a complex thing. Progress doesn't always look like improvement." Doctor Tao Ling stated in a smooth manner. Katara guessed he was in his mid forties. His black hair, what was left of it, was just starting to grey a little and he wore white robes. The patch on his shoulder that displayed The Fire Nation symbol surrounded by a blue triangle showed him a graduate of the Fire Nation Medical Academy, or so Katara had come to learn in the past three weeks since he arrived. "And it hasn't been a month yet My Fire Lord. Did you honestly expect to see her cured so soon?" He asked in that reasonable sounding tone all doctors seemed to have.

"No." Zuko admitted dejectedly. "But I, at worst, expected her to stay the same. Instead she has gotten worse. You are supposed to be the Fire Nation's premiere expert on matters of the mind. You run the most successful asylum in the entire country." Zuko's voice was rising again; he was getting frustrated. Mai was standing next to him with her hand on his arm in comfort as she displayed her normally blank face. Katara though could recognize the concern in her eyes. Knowing the girl other than as an enemy for the past month had given Katara some insight into her mood. "So please tell me Doctor Ling. Why is nothing working?"

"It's not that it isn't working Excellency. It is always darkest before dawn." The doctor said. "Azula's outbursts are the result of her psyche breaking down. That is why maintaining as strict a routine for her as possible without any deviation is so important." He gestured with his arms wide. "With too much stimuli to distract her, she'll never focus on her own inner self." He brought his hands together. "By keeping her world as small as possible and as distraction free as possible, she'll have no choice but to go inward. That is why these outbursts are such a good sign. It's not improvement per say, but it is the laying of the foundation so improvement can happen. That is why having as little contact as possible and allowing her to get used to the routine is so critical." He smiled the whole time in a self satisfied way.

Katara frowned. Everything the Doctor said made sense hearing it, but hearing the reports from the guards: the outbursts; the sleepless nights; her weakness and weight loss, all seemed to point to her 'adjustment' as going badly. Katara glanced to the other person standing in front of Zuko. It was one of Azula's prison attendants. A woman named Ming. She did not know why Zuko personally asked her to attend to Azula, but what the doctor was saying disagreed with her in a very serious way. Katara could see the scowl on her face as she glared with disdain to the doctor. She wished Aang were here to ask his opinion instead of being at one of the Air Temples training with Guru Pathik. She would even welcome her brother or Toph but Sokka had gone with Toph to take her home so she could reconcile with her parents.

Ming's expression was not lost on Zuko either as the Fire Lord turned to Ming. "Ming, Uncle told me of your kindness to him while he was imprisoned and what it meant to him. There is no Fire Nation citizen I trust more to watch Azula than anyone who has earned My Uncle's respect. Is any of this helping Azula?"

Katara watched as Ming clasped her hands and bowed to Zuko and took a deep breath to prepare her answer. "No Fire Lord Zuko, it is not helping her at all." The doctor's smile quickly took on an insulted look.

"What would a commoner know of someone's mental state? She's the one who has been doing the most to sabotage my subject's recovery" The doctor interrupted Ming's report. Zuko just glared at Doctor Ling and held a hand to silence him.

Ming continued as the doctor bristled. "My Lord, she is utterly paranoid. She doesn't eat, or sleep. She confuses me with someone else at least half the time." Ming shook her head concerned. "She keeps calling me Ty Lee, as I've explained to you."

"As you've explained? You idiotic peasant!" The Doctor snapped. You've done more to hurt her than anyone. I know how you talk to the subject. I see you 'forgetting' to put the medicine in her food like I tell you too." He turned back to Zuko as Katara glared even more. She did not like this man. "My Fire Lord, this woman has done nothing but hurt the subject. She needs to develop a dependence on the system to fully break down and be rebuilt."

"Break down? Dependence on the system?" Zuko asked in shock. "It sounds like your talking about breaking an unruly eel-hound."

"With all due respect Fire Lord, human beings are very much animals. This subject is no different. " Doctor Ling countered. Katara's eyes widened in shock; she could not help but wonder if the doctor saw all his patients as just animals to be broken.

"Subject? She's a human being for the spirit's sake not an experiment!" Ming snapped. Katara had only seen Ming a handful of times, but she was already starting to like the woman. "Fire Lord Zuko, all wounds need to heal. She doesn't trust a single person. She won't eat because she thinks the food is poisoned, so the Doctor's medicine isn't doing any good anyways even if it would help. How is cutting her off from all contact going to help her heal when she feels no one cares for her or wants to help her, especially when her own Doctor hasn't seen her in person?"

Doctor Ling went to retort, but Zuko raised a hand interrupting him before he started. He turned to Mai who simply squeezed his arm gently and looked between Ming and the doctor. Finally, what Katara had been dreading happened and Zuko gestured for her to come forward. "Katara?"

"Yes Zuko?" She said simply as she stepped closer. She cursed herself. She was still getting used to calling him 'Fire Lord' and she saw the way the guards stiffened, as if they expected her to be banished, or worse.

Luckily Zuko wasn't his father, thank the Moon. He did not seem to mind his friends calling him simply Zuko. He simply asked his question. "You are a healer of great skill. You once told me that you had healed Jet's mind when he was captured by the Dai Li. Can you do the same for my sister?" He kept his hand up so the doctor knew to keep his mouth shut.

Katara frowned as the memories surfaced. Watching Jet struggle with the foreign memories thrust in his mind after the Dai Li raped his brain, and turned him into a pawn. She was grateful she could not see what he was thinking; watching his body struggle and feeling the energy knot up was painful enough for her. Ever since that prison guard brought up that awful play she went to, she had been thinking of that very thing. She took in a breath to answer.

"No Zuko. It wouldn't work." She said regrettably and continued with an explanation before Zuko's inevitable 'why?' could be voiced. "Our minds are something completely different than our bodies. If she had a concussion or some other sort of injury to her brain I might be able to fix that, but the mind and the brain are different."

"But you un-brainwashed Jet." Zuko countered.

Katara forced her eyes not to water as she continued. "Those weren't his memories Zuko. They were forced into his head, and they were fresh. His own mind was fighting them. All I really did was help his mind relax enough so he could see which memories were his and which were false. This is different. We are talking about how Azula's mind actually deals with the world." She swallowed. "It's like your scar. It's still healthy skin. It still serves its purpose. I can't heal scars because the scar is working tissue. Her mind is like that. It may not be working right, but it is still working."

Doctor Ling finally was given a chance to speak when Zuko lowered his hand and turned to him. "The Water bender is right. Azula can only heal on her own." She was beginning to really hate that self authoritative voice he used. He was talking to them like, well, children. "Her mind is scarred and flawed right now. By breaking her down and forcing her to look inward, we can, in effect, cut the 'scarred tissue' away, and give the 'healthy tissue' only one path to heal." Katara bristled at the imagery and had the disturbing impression that this doctor actually would cut through someone's brain claiming it helped them by cutting out 'bad parts'.

Mai actually spoke up. Her voice was distanced, but had a soft edge to it. "Katara, even though you aren't a doctor, nor trained to handle these kinds of… wounds, maybe you could visit Azula?" Katara was shocked. First, she was shocked because Mai had actually said something. Two, she was shocked that Mai would suggest that the one who defeated Azula visit her. "I mean, you have been one of the strongest supporters to get Azula help, and I have seen and Fire Lord Zuko has told me how much compassion you show people." Katara tilted her head to the side and noticed a slight twang in Mai's usually perfect political voice and a small widening of her eyes. Is she feeling guilty? Does she think she didn't do enough for Azula even though she is supposed to be her friend? Katara wondered.

The doctor snorted in disdain for the idea, but a scathing look from Zuko put him in his place as he turned back to Katara his eyes, hopeful. She bit her lip slightly. Azula scared her before when she was hunting them. She still had mixed feelings, even though she felt bad for the girl. "I don't know… Wouldn't someone closer to her be a better choice? Maybe we can send a hawk to Kyoshi Island and ask Ty Lee to return to the palace?"

Zuko looked up to Mai. "Wouldn't that be better Mai? I mean Ty Lee wants to help Azula doesn't she, and what Ming said seems to show that Azula misses her?"

Mai shook her head. "No, no that wouldn't be the best idea. Ty Lee isn't ready to face Azula yet."

"Respectfully, I don't think Azula can face Ty Lee yet either." Ming said with a worried look, probably afraid she spoke out of turn.

"I might not be the best choice either. Azula may not want to see family or her 'friends'." Mai said softly as she looked away a bit, and Katara saw all the other eyes turn back to her again, even the doctor's. His eyes though had a very disdainful smirk.

Katara sighed and fiddled with her wrist uncomfortably. How do I get myself into these situations!? She chastised herself. "Alright, I'll go see Azula." What was she agreeing too?

The doctor sighed loudly and shook his head as if he were watching children throw rocks at a scorpion-hornet's nest. Zuko turned to the doctor his eyes narrowing at once. "What is the problem Doctor Ling?"

"You don't realize it do you?" He said condescendingly. "You're playing right into her hands. She'll never get the help she needs if you try talking to her before she becomes dependent on her environment and learns not to trust herself." He pointed a finger towards Katara and she narrowed her eyes and almost wished it was the full moon so she could bend his own fist repeatedly against his balding forehead. "And you are going to send this girl in to do a job she isn't trained for, especially with how Azula must feel about her?" He turned a scathing glare to Ming. "Unlike what you think, I do care about my patients, and I do listen to them. She'll do nothing but direct all her anger at the Water bender."

Zuko tilted his head in thought. Katara hated to admit it, but she had the same worries herself. Why would Azula open up to the very woman that helped her brother take what she considered 'Her Crown'? She watched Zuko and Mai. Mai must have been in thought, since her face held no expression. Zuko clearly looked conflicted and looked to the doctor. "Doctor Ling, in your official opinion do you truly feel this is the worst thing for my sister?"

Doctor Ling nodded and brought himself to his tallest and most regal stature he could muster. Which Katara thought was odd looking being that it was hard to pull off with his balding head. "Fire Lord, it is my opinion this will not work, and can say with certainty that I would never do it."

Zuko nodded and the conflict in his face left. "Very well then Doctor." He said simply with the full command of his voice and office. Doctor Ling had a satisfied smirk on his face, as Mai, Ming and Katara stared at Zuko in shock. Was he actually agreeing to continue this treatment? "We will do exactly that then." Zuko stood up as the doctor flustered a moment. "On behalf of the royal family, I thank you, but your services will no longer be required. Please gather your things, and either arrange passage with one of the royal airships, or one of my attendants will arrange for you to stay at an inn in The Capitol for the next few days while you arrange private transport home. You are dismissed."

"But Fire Lord Zuko…" The Doctor stammered.

Zuko cut him off. "Thank you doctor. Guards, please escort the Doctor to his makeshift office and make sure he doesn't forget any personal items."

Katara could not help but smile as the guards 'escorted' the doctor out of the throne room.

Zuko looked to Katara, a worried look on his face. "Katara I don't want to force you to do this." Zuko smiled half heartedly. "You don't need to feel obligated to help Azula."

Katara looked deeply inward. The Azula she knew had no remorse, no conscience and no compassion for anyone but herself. She was someone who would have killed any of them, if they got in her way. She was, by all accounts, a heartless monster. But then, so was Zuko. She heard the back of her mind whisper. Katara thought back to her argument with Sokka when she pretended to be the painted lady I will never abandon anyone who needs me! That was what she told Sokka wasn't it? She truly hated what Azula did, but there was no doubt, Azula needed someone to help her.

She nodded. "I will see her Zuko." She managed a worried smile. "I really do want to help."

Zuko smiled and Katara noticed even Mai's lips twitched into a very small smile of gratitude. "Thank you Katara… you really have no idea what this means to me."

Katara's smile grew seeing how relieved Zuko seemed. "Tomorrow then, after she's given dinner? That will give me the time to prepare." Katara did not know how she was going to prepare, but she hoped she could find a way. She knew Zuko was counting on her a great deal to help Azula. Katara could only hope that she was as good a healer as everyone thought she was.

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Poor Zuko. Mai thought saddened as she leaned against the rail on the balcony attached to her and Zuko's room. She stared upwards to the moon, and noticed it was near to full again. She examined the black markings across the face of the moon and found it boring fairly quickly. She turned away unable to distract herself from her thoughts. She was worried for her lover. He was becoming overwhelmed by his responsibilities. Zuko did not expect this amount of resistance to change. In all fairness Mai did possess a little bit more political savvy than Zuko, but even she was surprised at the threats of defection. If it was not for Jeong-Jeong returning to the Imperial Army, there would have been more defections than there were already.

She strummed her fingers along the rail and walked back into their room. She was alone; Zuko had said he needed a walk to clear his head. She grew worried as he was growing more and more distant from her. She knew he was still adjusting to being Fire Lord. She also knew how much he appreciated her being there for him. She sighed softly. She also knew one of the biggest pressures on him was Azula.

Azula she thought. Her eyes narrowed minutely as she thought about her former friend. She was, she had to admit, conflicted on the whole issue. Part of her felt very vindicated to see that the person who had thrown her in prison was rotting away. Part of her felt huge amounts of anger at the woman whom would have watched Zuko boil alive. Zuko was one of the few things she allowed herself to feel anything for; the thought of him being gone filled her with an ache. It was an ache that went beyond the crushing isolation and lack of expression she dealt with on a day to day basis. If she had to admit it, it terrified her. She felt no remorse or regret as her head dipped ever so delicately as she nodded to herself; there was no question that she would choose Zuko over Azula any day.

Now there wasn't a choice between one and the other any longer. Zuko was Fire Lord, Mai had him all to herself, at least romantically, and Azula was not in a position to threaten her or Zuko any longer. The two might not be mutually exclusive, and as much as it vexed Mai, the part of her that knew Azula as a friend bristled at the thought of Azula deteriorating more and more in a cell all forgotten. She had felt relief when Zuko had brought Doctor Ling in to help her and was content to leave the matter at that. She had her help; certainly Mai did not need to worry herself over it. Azula would get better with a professional to guide her.

Things did not go according to plan. Mai had consoled Zuko night after night as the guards reported Azula getting worse. Even with the larger cell Azula grew more paranoid. She heard of all the times Azula would refuse to eat, refuse to sleep and lashed out at that Ming woman. Mai did not understand why she had paid Azula a visit late at night once. Maybe it was her inability to feel things strongly. If something bothered or hurt her, she often felt her heart shut down and she went numb. Until Zuko helped crack through the ice of her heart, she often shut down every time she felt a strong emotion. Azula's breakdown was something she could not understand without seeing. The former princess had been asleep, but even then that was cause for alarm. She fidgeted on her cot, face scrunched up and twisted. Mai guessed from some nightmare.

As she viewed through the small sliding window on the door to Azula's cell, the Fire bender sat up with a start and gasped loudly. Mai watched as Azula rubbed her head and shook her head as if to clear it. What shocked Mai the most was her hair. Azula was always meticulous about her hair. For it to be matted and clumped the way it was, spoke more about Azula's mind set than anything. Of course due to the low light it was hard to see anything but her pale face and her dark hair. She left without a word, took the carriage back to the palace and sat down in the very same chair she sat down in now. It was clear Doctor Ling was not helping her at all. Azula needed real help and real care not some horrible Pavlovian conditioning like a disobedient dog, and it concerned Mai despite her anger and feelings of vindication.

Mai's lips twitched a tiny bit at the corner of her mouth. Was I ever truly her friend? Did she ever really care about me? Mai contemplated yet again. Could Mai even consider herself a decent friend, let alone Azula? True the Doctor had said no one should visit her until her 'break through', what ever that meant to him, but she had to ask herself would I have visited her anyways? She thought of Ty Lee. She still could not understand what had driven her to attack Azula to save her, especially in light of certain facts. She cared for Ty Lee, despite how annoying the girl could be, and Ty Lee… more than cared for Azula enough for both of them. If Mai doubted her own friendship to Azula could that make Azula, Mai's friend by proxy through Ty Lee even if it was one sided?

"I am so sorry Ty Lee." She heard herself whisper. Thank Agni for Ty Lee. Mai thought to herself. Ty Lee took Azula imprisoning them the hardest, but still she tried to keep Mai's spirits up. When the fight nearly broke out between her and the Kyoshi warriors in prison it was Ty Lee who stood between Mai and them and somehow chatted the women up. Even now Mai could not figure out how she managed to make friends with the awfully dressed warrior women.

Yes, Mai realized, Ty Lee was someone else she cared for deeply. It broke her heart when she saw Ty Lee crying that one evening after the acrobat had visited Azula. It was… awkward to say the least when she, Ty Lee and that Suki girl talked into the late hours of the night. It was one thing to always suspect something, but it was quite another to have it confirmed in its rawest and most painful form. Mai's lips curled into an amused smirk at Suki's utter look of shock and felt the smile fade. Ty Lee was another person that was supposed to be Azula's friend, but Azula had no problem tossing her aside either. If Ty Lee was still willing to care for Azula, which she must considering the amount of letters arriving via hawk from her asking about the former princess, that spoke volumes of Ty Lee's care.

Mai was in the middle of her mental ramblings when she heard a knock at the door. She arched her brow. It was not late, but it was not early. Zuko would just walk in, albeit quietly to refrain from waking her in case she slept. She mulled over the idea of pretending to be asleep to ignore the knock, but she decided to answer the door anyways and stood up, closed the distance as she closed her robe securely and opened the door. She was quite surprised at her visitor. The night robe was cut in Fire Nation style but was done in blues. She looked up and met the wide blue eyes that were as expressive as Mai's were guarded. "Hey." Mai asked evenly.

"Mai, I just wondered if I could talk with you about Azula?" Katara stood there looking at Mai with a pensive expression as she held her wrist nervously.

Mai looked at Katara. She did not know if she wanted to openly discuss Azula right now. Her feelings were threatening to overwhelm her, and she generally preferred to gain control over them in private, but she had asked the Water bender to help Azula. She sighed inwardly, but she was careful to keep her face neutral. "All right, come inside." Mai stepped aside so Katara could enter, and she closed the door behind the Water Tribe girl. Mai stood there, with her hands folded in front of her tucked in her burgundy robe's sleeves as she waited silently for Katara to start.

Mai inwardly grew frustrated at the uncomfortable silence until she realized that Katara was probably waiting for her to prompt her to start. "Yes?" She winced internally. She was never good at starting conversations, but even she knew how impatient that sounded.

Katara winced visibly and seemed more hesitant. "If this is a bad time I can go." Katara turned to leave.

"Katara wait." Mai said softly as Katara paused and turned around. "I'm sorry. I'm not the most talkative person, and Azula is a… difficult subject for me." She slipped back into all her 'proper lady' training her parents had forced her to do. Step One: Invite them to sit down. "Katara have a seat." She gestured; Katara looked reluctant and sat down. Step Two: A proper lady offers refreshment. "Do you want anything to drink like water, or I can summon a servant to bring tea?"

Katara shook her head as Mai sat down across from her. "What did you want to ask me?" She hoped she sounded even tempered.

"Mai, you're one of Azula's closest friends…" She began unsure. Mai's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "…if anyone knows how Azula thinks it would be you. I'll be honest I feel kind of overwhelmed, and I don't know where to start when I see her tomorrow night."

Mai looked away and tilted her head in thought. Then she shook her head. "I don't think I can help you Katara. I knew her when we were younger. I traveled with her for months to track Zuko and your group, but I don't think I ever really knew Azula." She turned her head back to Katara.

"But you were her friend Mai. Isn't there anything you can tell me?" The Water bender asked.

Mai sighed and stood up and walked to the window with her arms clasped in front of her as she stared at the moon trying to think of how to explain it best. "The Azula I knew was bent on being perfect and getting her way. She was a spoiled little girl that always found a way to mock anyone else for any reason. She was a girl who pushed her one best friend in the mud for out cart wheeling her and her other best friend in a fountain just to humiliate her in front of the boy she liked. This was the Azula I grew up with."

Mai turned and looked to Katara feeling her anger resurface as she remembered the day she ended up in the fountain. Katara looked to her and shook her head slightly. "There has to be more to her than that."

"There's more." Mai continued. "When I saw her for the first time in years she all but threatened Ty Lee to join her. She used my feelings for Zuko against me, and she tried to kill Zuko and myself." Mai looked to Katara as she felt her throat vibrate slightly as her voice rose."

Mai noticed Katara's face scrunched in thought. She thought the look was rather foolish and hoped her face did not do the same thing when she was thinking. "You said she was driven to be perfect, did she obsess over it?"

"I would say so." Mai answered smoothly. "The most recent time I saw her practice was a few days before we fought Suki and her warriors near Ba Sing Sei. Some air flip and fire move. She landed and wobbled just a bit. Ty Lee said 'she almost had it' and Azula said 'almost wasn't good enough.'"

Katara nodded. "Was she always so hard on herself?" Mai had taken her voice in check and simply nodded and Katara continued. "When did that start?"

Mai tilted her head in thought before answering. "A few months before her mother went missing and Fire Lord Azulon died. She was always spoiled, but she didn't start to get really mean until she started Fire bending training."

"How was she trained?" Katara asked.

"I honestly don't know." Mai replied evenly. You would have to ask her. I do know that her father trained her personally, but Azula would never talk about her training except to show off her new moves, usually just to rub it in Zuko's face that her father trained her and not him."

Katara nodded and stood up. Mai was relatively surprised that she wasn't asking for more. I wonder if she thinks I don't care enough to help her. Mai thought "Katara. I want to see Azula get better. I'm still angry about what she did to Zuko, me and Ty Lee, but I don't want her to lose her mind." Mai sighed and leaned against the wall crossing her arms and looked off to the side. "I would never have thought Azula could shatter so completely. She always had it together. She always was so sure of herself."

Katara frowned a bit in concern as she thought of something and then the frown faded. "All right, I should go get some sleep. Thank you Mai."

"You're welcome, but I don't see how I helped." Mai paused a little uneasy. She never liked asking for help. "Please Katara, help her? I am very worried for her."

Mai could see her blue eyes soften and she nodded. "I promise you Mai I will do my best too. I'll come by tomorrow night after I see Azula and let you know how it went. Okay?"

Mai could feel the tension leave her brow a bit and her lips twitch into a relieved smile. "Thank you." Katara nodded and left.

Mai had to admit of all of Zuko's new friends she understood Katara the least. She had seen her plenty of times around the palace in the past month since Zuko's coronation. She had not said much to the girl but the two did get along when together. She was usually in good spirits, though she had noticed she was a little less cheerful since the Avatar had left to train with whoever it was at the Air Temple. She wasn't excessively happy like Ty lee was; she was more restrained and seemed more… motherly. Mai figured that was the right word. She seemed to express a deep concern for other people even those who she had no obligation too. Like Azula, she thought wryly. She seemed utterly opposite to Mai. Mai knew she was reserved and people she knew, mainly Zuko, wished she was more expressive. Katara seemed to wear her heart on her sleeve and always tried to help anyone and everyone.

Mai had heard of the old Water bender who was kidnapping Fire Nation people and locking them away and despite how secret they kept it she knew that a rumor was going around that a young Water bender stopped her and freed the people. Her Uncle had once complained before the Eclipse that he was denied a prisoner because she was an old Water bender, but he wanted to prove The Boiling Rock could hold even a master Water bender despite the lake it rested in.

She was shocked when Katara confirmed it was her. Mai never even stopped to consider helping anyone in the Earth Kingdom. Katara was deep in enemy territory, and not only did she stop to help people that would have probably turned her in, but she betrayed one of her own to help innocent people. Mai felt shame more and more lately. Ever since Zuko began coaxing feelings out of her, she was feeling more regret that she never tried to help anyone before Zuko, even her own brother. She vowed when things calmed down she would spend more time with Tom-Tom and make up for not trading King Bumi for her baby brother.

She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She was tired, but she had too much work to do. She sat down by her desk and resumed working on the decree Zuko asked her to about creating a Fire Nation board of medicine so quacks like Ling could be stopped before they hurt patients. She sighed when she could not focus and muttered a curse and decided to go to bed and do it in the morning.