Chapter 29.
"Oh. Hey." we muttered as we put down our brushes. Snape and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.
"COME NOW!" Preacher McGongel yelled. So did Professor McGonagall. Hipster ran out, dropping the camera. We left the room without putting on our clothes. Snoop Dogg grabbed the camera and put it in his pocket.
"All that tape is a patent-protected art film." Draco drawled. "Look, Snape, Dumbledork knows your little secret. We have, like, crappy digital camera proof. So make Snoop Dogg give back our project."
"Heh heh heh, the Mystery of Magic thinks he's trippin', y'all, there's no way he can front." Snoop Dogg laughed meanly.
"Yes, so shut your mouth, you insolent fools!" yelled Professor McGoggle. Then she, Snoop Dogg, and Professors Snape, McGongel, McGoonagle, and McGonagall led us into a room. There were all these weird tools in it. Draco started to cry tears of PBR. I rolled my eyes.
Then, all of a sudden, Hipster returned with my gun and began to shoot Snape. Snoop Dogg pulled out two pistols. But Hipster wasn't wearing his glasses and Snoop was stoned, so no one was hurt. I took out my wand.
"Crucio!" I shouted. Snap started to scream and Snoop Dogg dropped the gun, but not after both of them had run out of bullets. I stopped the curse. Professor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. "Okay, Severus, I'm going to go now." Professors McGoogle, McGongel, McGoonagle, and McGonagall left. Snape and Snoop Dogg started to laugh evilly. Hipster started to try and fight his way out while Draco and I just cried because, you know, effort.
"It's okay, Aquamarine." said Draco. "The evergreen bushes outside the school will be all right. Remember the pictures of Snape you have."
Snape laughed again. Then he took out some whips.
Chapter 30.
"Heavy." we mumbled. Snape smiled a reptilian smile. Snoop Dogg turned our camera on. Then they came towards Donnie Darko! Donnie, who'd just materialised in the corner, took some stones out of his pocket. He put the stones around Draco and lit a candle.
"Dude, what." I shooted angrily. Snoop Dogg laughed meanly. He pulled down his pants. I rolled my eyes - there was a Dork Mark on his grundle.
He waved his wand and a knife appeared. He gave the knife to me.
"You gotta stab Harry, yo." he said to me. "If you don't, then I'll rape Draco!"
"Fuck off, Snoop Lion. Your music sucks."
But then Draco shot me a "fucking save me you bitch" look. He looked exactly like a soft-grunge cross between a puppy dog and Jack White. Hipster looked even more disheveled than ever. I thought of the time when we kissed and the time I forest-blogged with Draco and Dumbledore came and the time when Draco almost committed suicide and Hipster was so supportive.
Snape laughed angrily. He started to pray to Voldemort. He started to do an incantation, dancing around the stocks whipping Draco and Hipster. Suddenly I had an idea. I stuck my foot out and using a combination of my leg and my telepathic powers I tripped him.
"You damn fool bitch!" Snoop Dogg cried as Snape fell to the ground. He took off all of Draco's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him... Um, where was I?
Oh yeah.
"Crucio!" I shouted, committing my second felony of the evening. Snoop Dogg screamed and fell to the floor. Meanwhile, I grabbed my wizard phone and sent a text to Serious.
"Damn, lady! I'm gonna kill-" shouted Snoop Dogg, but suddenly Serious arrived and fixed him with a sexy glare.
Snape put the whip behind his back. "Oh, hello, Serious, I was just, um, teaching them something." he lied. Luscious and Professor Sinatra followed Serious. When they saw us, they immediately unlocked the chains and put them around Snape and Snoop. Serious took care of Draco and Hipster while Luscious dealt with the others. Frank Sinatra turned to me. "Come on, Aquamarine, let's go."
Chapter 31.
"I always knew you were on Voldemort's side, you son of a bitch." Luscious said to Snape, leaning in so his long layered blond hair framed Snape's face. He wore a loose white crop top and pink skinny jeans, looking as androgynous as ever. If I was a guy, Luscious Malfoy could turn me.
Serious was the more masculine of the two, his curly brown ponytail offset by muscles and a permanent steely expression. The two were partners, fucking on camera for alternative art porn.
"No I'm not, I was teaching them something!" Snape claimed.
"Yeah, no shit." I went into the potion's closet and found some Voldemort Brand Truth Serum, which I gave to Serious. He made Snape and Snoop Dogg drink it. Then Professor Sinatra and Luscious made us leave with them while Snape told Serious his secrets. Luscious took Hipster and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a million times for saving his "precious little boy". Professor Sinatra took me to a dark room. Now I was going to go back in time to seduce Voldemort. B'lack Keys, Ginny, and Willowtree came too. B'lack Keys gave me a composting self-destructing bag from Tom Rid(dle)'s store.
"What's in the bag." I asked Professor Sinatra.
"Your friend packed you a change of clothes. It seems like all you girls do these days is change your clothes." he said, sighing. I opened the bag. There was a baggy brown paisley peasant top and a maxiskirt.
"This is totally mainstream." I complained.
"You're going back in time, though. If you wear vintage it'll be current. Besides, you look ntxim hlub." B'lack Keys said.
"Meh." I said.
"Okay, now you're going to go back in time." said Frank Sinatra. "You will have to do it in a few sessions." He gave me a gun, which I hid in my giant mop of hair. Then he gave me a bottle of Time Toner. "After an hour, rub the Time Toner on your skin to go back here." Professor Sinatra said. Then he and B'lack Keys put a Pensieve in front of me. Everyone went in front of it.
"Good luck or whatever." everyone mumbled. Ginny and Willowtree rolled their eyes at my outfit. Then I stepped away from the pensieve and used the Time Toner to go back in time.
Suddenly, I was in front of the school. Standing coincidentally in front of me was one of the hottest hipster guys I had ever seen. His hair was sepia blond and tied back in a ponytail, and he had green eyes which matched the ferns he wore in his hair. It was Tom Bombadil!
Chapter 32.
"Hi." I said flatly. "I'm Aquamarine Mann, the new student." We shook hands, our wrists limp and hispterish.
"The name's Thomas Bombadil." he said. "But you can call me Tom. 'Cause, like, that's my name and whatever."
"Can you show me around the school." I asked, and he smiled.
"Well then, come on, we have to go upstairs." Tom said. I followed him.
"Hey, Tom, do you happen to be a fan of mandolins." I asked.
"Yes, however did you guess." Tom said with a sarcastic grin. "Actually, I like lutes a lot too. I have a whole collection of concept albums performed on lutes."
"Same." I replied, making a mental note to erase every lute-related song from my playlists.
"Guess what. One of my favorite bands, The Violent Femmes, are having a concert in Hogsment." Tom whispered so the posers wouldn't hear.
"Hogsment." I asked.
"Yeah, it's this cute little town right off the grounds." he told me all secretly. "They've got a Goodwill and everything, and a Sal-"
"-vation Army." I finished, happy again.
He frowned confusedly. "I was gonna say Sal's Pizza, but whatever." He smiled again. "But there are a lot of thrift stores too."
"Whatever." Nothing in the past made any sense whatsoever. "So is Dumbledore your headmaster." I asked.
"Uh-huh." he muttered, pushing back his cuticles with his thumbnail. "I'm in Ravenclaw."
"Dude, same." I replied.
"You go to this school." he asked quite stupidly.
"No fucking shit. I'm a new student. Get it."
Suddenly Dumbledork flew in on his Swiffer WetJet and started shouting at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" Still talking in text, I see. He had short blonde hair and was wearing a pink polo shirt from American Eagle Outfitters. "STUPID HIPSTRES!"
Tom rolled his eyes. "He's so mean to us hipsters and punks just because we're not posers like him."
"Actually, I think maybe it's because you're the Dork Lord." I muttered under my breath.
"Huh."
"Nothing."
Then suddenly the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCREAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." I shouted, falling down into the hole, down, down, down to the future.
"Dude, trippy." Tom said as I fell.
I crawled out of the hole and found myself back in Professor Sinatra's classroom. Dumbledumb was there. "Dumbledork, I think I just met you." I said.
"oh yeah I remember that." he replied, playing it off.
Sinatra came in. "hey this is my classroom wait wtf aquamarine what the hell r u doing?"
"Dude, the fuck." I raised my eyebrows at him condescendingly.
"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."
"Dude, the fuck." I repeated. "Also, why are you talking in text. You're beginning to sound like Dumbledork."
Frank Sinatra looked away. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." He started to cry tears of red wine. Dumbledore looked shocked.
"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, touching a tear.
"Fuck off." we both said, and Dumbledore took his hand away.
Professor Sinatra started crying again in his chair. "omfg aquamarine…I think i'm addicted to Voldemort Serum."
"Yeah, no shit." I muttered with a roll of my ocean blue eyes.