Author note: Sorry for the long wait. I have been enjoying my half term! Been to see STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS, TWiCE, BECUSE IT IS THAT AMAZING!
Disclaimer: I do not own psych
Please enjoy, read and review!
Something had snapped in Shawn that night. No longer did Shawn feel upset at himself, thinking he must have done something wrong to cause both of his parents to leave him. Instead he blamed Henry. Henry, not dad. For he was no longer Shawn's father. Henry had been a bad father and a bad husband and Shawn blamed him for making his mum leave them. Perhaps she didn't want to leave Shawn, just Henry and so it was his fault for making her leave. Shawn grew a shell that night. He started rebelling against Ross. Questioned his existence and what the point of him being there. Ross may never leave him and Shawn realised that was kinda creepy. Ross was with him every moment of every day and he didn't like it there and started being rebellious too. Ross began acting out through Shawn which really annoyed and scared Shawn slightly. Ross had a horrible way of making Shawn do things he didn't want to do.
Charlie called them command hallucinations and told him that if he wanted them to go away he would have to take the pills. Shawn was in two minds about it. Charlie was very nice about it; she gave him the choice of whether or not to take the pills. Charlie realised that Shawn needed to want to get better he had to want to get better. Shawn was scared but never accepted the offer of the pills. Ross told him not to and Shawn tried to resist but he couldn't do it. Shawn also knew what those drugs could do to him, sometimes they made him ill. Other times they made him really tired, sometimes they made him worse. Shawn quickly discovered that every pill had side affects.
Ross went from being Shawn's best friend to his worst enemy. The extreme started hitting a few weeks later when he killed one of the patient's pet cats. Everyone had loved that cat, even Shawn. But Ross made him kill it, Shawn was in two minds. Part of him hated that Ross was controlling him, that he had no choice on what he was doing. He had never thought that Ross could ever make him do something. Shawn loved what he was doing though. Watching as his hands ripped that cat apart, the deep red blood spraying out. This was almost as good as gutting the fish. Shawn loved it; the only thing he hated was that it didn't feel like it was him doing. It was Ross.
After a while Shawn confessed what was happening in therapy. It was extremely stumbled but he managed to force the words out and Charlie realised what was happening. Every morning from then on, she forced Shawn to take the pills. Shawn was always reluctant but after a while Charlie stared to see the effects. Some days Shawn was perfectly happy to take the pills but most days he hated it. Ross was true to his word, he never left him. Shawn heard him sometimes when he let his guard down; Ross kept him from wanting to take the pills, just a whisper in his mind.
Charlie had always known that Shawn had a very active imagination and she suspected that it wasn't actually Ross keeping him from wanting to take his pills but Shawn thinking that he would not want him to eat the pills and subconsciously remembering that Ross wouldn't want him to and obeying his past instructions.
So every morning, afternoon and evening Shawn struggled to eat his pills but Charlie made sure he ate them and slowly he did get better. Gus had kept to his promise and visited Shawn every other week. Sometimes he brought school books for Shawn to study but Shawn never had the concentration to read them, let alone study them. Perhaps if they had been interesting books Shawn might have paid attention. Shawn knew how to read and write but his education up to this point was basically nothing past the age of eight. The institute just did not have the money to hire a private tutor for Shawn. Shawn's father never came though. Preoccupied by the work load in Miami Henry never got the chance to visit Shawn. Since he moved before Charlie could call him at his home, he was never reminded and so forgot about him completely. Shawn blamed Henry for everything but eventually he would learn the truth.
Ross rebelled every so often by acting out trough Shawn but it was usually quite contained but everything changed when the institution was granted a huge anonymous donation.
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"We're moving?" Shawn asked confused. Shawn was now fifteen years old and this place had been his home for seven years. He didn't really want to move. He living environment had been consistent, he knew where everything was, and he knew where not to go. It was familiar to him now and he didn't want to abandon it.
Charlie nodded in excitement.
"Someone made a huge donation so were moving. Everything had been organised for the past few weeks. We were only allowed to tell you guys today as not many people here like change" she admitted.
Shawn stared at her realising what she was saying, "So we're leaving today?" he confirmed.
Charlie looked at him smiling, "Yup. Oh Shawn… you're gonna love it! Go get packed!" she said enthusiastically.
Shawn sighed; he didn't particularly want to move locations but he trudged his way upstairs anyway and found the suitcase in which he had arrived and been stuffed underneath his bed. Shawn hated bringing the suitcase out. It brought back the memories of the day that Henry had dumped him off.
...
"Bye Shawn" Henry whispered and suddenly Shawn threw himself at his father, embracing him in a big hug. Henry hugged him back a little surprised and remembered not to touch his hair.
Shawn didn't let out a tear, confident that his dad would come and visit him soon. Gus would be there soon too, he had promised and Gus always kept his promises. Henry slowly pulled away, blinking away the unshed tears and gestured for Mrs Adams to take him away.
"Come on then Shawn, I'll show you your room" she said soothingly. Shawn walked away without looking back and Henry stumbled awkwardly as he made his way out, watching his son being led away.
...
His dad had let him down. Part of Shawn felt a little thankful that he was here though. He hadn't felt himself in ages and now he was finally beginning to feel normal. He hadn't stopped hallucinating, he still had visitors from time to time and the unpleasant ones didn't come to visit as often, Shawn always thought morbid thoughts. Shawn guessed that it was just the way he was. Shawn knew now not to talk about it to other people. Shawn knew now what was acceptable and he was old enough to understand not to voice certain things. Except to Charlie of course. Over the years, Shawn had grown to love her like a mother. Jessica too. He talked to them both all of the time and loved them in his own way. Shawn still hated his father. Charlie had kept calling and trying to get hold of him to do some family therapy but he had never responded.
Shawn knew what was wrong with him now and decided there was nothing at all wrong with him. He had been diagnosed as a paranoid Schizophrenic with mild sociopathic tendencies but Shawn knew that it was a psychological disorder and it made him who he was. He wouldn't change that for the world. What made others normal made him unique. Shawn was a very intelligent person for someone who didn't attend school from the age of eight. His eidetic memory made it very easy to learn things quickly and Shawn found that he needed things to keep him busy. He enjoyed doing the cross words from the newspapers that were delivered and read up on what was happening in the outside world and Shawn wondered if he could dismiss himself. No. He needed a clean medical bill of health to be released. Shawn found himself sticking to routine, doing the same things every day and sometimes became agitated when his routine was disrupted. Luckily, he had never been violent. Charlie had always said she didn't think he had it in him to do something like that… when he was in the right mind. Shawn was very annoyed at the change in location but his annoyance was temporarily relieved when he saw the new centre.
Shawn stepped out of the mini bus with a face of awe. A pale grey building stood up tall before him. The window frames were newly painted white which shone when the sun hit them. Shawn noticed that each carer were taking their patients over individually as another mini bus had just pulled up and everyone was guided in through the brown double doors.
Shawn actually gasped aloud when he saw the inside. A long brown stair case crawled up the left wall, a guy was mopping the floor and Shawn could see his reflection in the ground where he was standing and looking forwards he could see through large full length windows to what looked like an endless sea of green. Shawn followed Charlie as she gave him a quick tour. She showed him the back yard, it had a fountain in the middle had a little wall surrounding it. There was a gate in the wall allowing access to beyond that point but Shawn guessed you have to have permission. It hurt Shawn's eyes, everything was white. There was nothing to stimulate him what so ever as nothing around him was interesting. He supposed that was for the patients that colours stimulate them and they go a bit nuts but they obviously weren't thinking about him in that scenario. Shawn needed something to do, his brain worked fast, with his hyper observant mind and eidetic memory Shawn bored incredibly easy and a bored Shawn was not a good Shawn and Charlie knew this and so did her best to keep him stimulates. That was why he always seemed to have an endless supply of cross word puzzles. Charlie showed him to his room next and Shawn couldn't believe how tidy and strange it was.
He had his own double bed, which was nice. But it was incredibly dull and boring and Shawn knew he would have to do something to liven it up a bit.
"We've got some paints so you can paint the walls… I know how you needs stimulation and these walls hurt my eyes to be honest" Charlie told him and he smiled.
"Everything here is so white" Shawn replied as if the colour disgusted him and Charlie instantly agreed.
"It's gonna be so great here! We've got a pool, sauna, running tracks. We have gotten a private tutor for you to catch up on your education. We can have group therapy on the lawn and we're gonna have tonnes more employees and a few more patients too. We've got people called Orderlies to restrain people too. So if anyone loses it they can keep everyone else safe. Everyone goes a little crazy sometimes" she whispered and Shawn nodded.
"I'll unpack then shall I?" Shawn asked and Charlie immediately realised he was waiting for her to go.
"Yes, of course. I'll be back in 30 minutes, and then I'll show you our new therapy room/ my office and your new tutor" she told him before leaving.
Shawn noted with an amused expression that even though new, there was a huge dead bolt on the door. Typical. It was just the same, another prison cell. Shawn unpacked quickly this time and organised everything. When he was younger he used to just stuff things anyway but he knew better now. He needed everything to be organised. In his own way of course, someone might view it as chaotic but it was going to be organised chaos. Shawn managed to unpack everything fairy quickly as he inspected the space around him.
Shawn was exhausted, the move shouldn't have made him this tired and he assumed they had changed his medication again. Shawn hated his meds now. He had expressed to Charlie that he would rather have them then be on medication but so far Charlie had refused to let him. Shawn hated feeling down, hated feeling tired all of the time and he hated the ill nights spent by the toilet seat throwing up which happened every few weeks. Shawn had decided that he would rather have the voices, he believed that he could function if he followed a routine, kept his brain busy with puzzles and had talk therapy with Charlie he was certain but Charlie always said no.
Shawn understood why, because of Ross probably. But she didn't understand Ross like he did. Shawn reasoned that surely if Ross was part of him he could control him. Shawn knew that Ross had always been there for him and part of him reasoned that he had over reacted when he found out he wasn't real; it was many years ago after all. Charlie had been brutally honest with him and he hadn't taken it too well. Shawn still saw Ross from time to time and every time Shawn panicked. Shawn never called him Ross anymore in therapy; he called him an "unpleasant visitor". Charlie thought this was a good thing; he was distancing himself from his hallucinations.
Shawn had finished unpacking and he took out another newspaper and started flicking through it. You could learn a lot from the papers. Shawn had become paranoid that the government was after him sometimes, he and come up with several theories about technological advances. For example he had seen the new cell phones that had come out; in fact Gus had brought one with him last time he had visited. Shawn had told him that it was the government's way of tracking people but Gus wouldn't listen. Shawn read a lot of things that didn't agree with him including several things he read about restless leg syndrome? Shawn knew that was just an invention of the drug companies to sell more pills. They claimed they were "going to save lives", right, conveniently forgetting about all the money they were going to earn. It was absolutely rubbish in his opinion. Rubbish.
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Later on Charlie came back and introduced him to his new tutor Mr Daniels. Shawn thought he was a nice man. He was stood there in Charlie's new office wearing a suit and tie with a long chain around his neck saying VISITOR on it.
"You look nervous" Shawn commented and Charlie shot him a look. The man just laughed nervously and shrugged.
"Let's just say I wanted to make a good impression, Shawn" he replied and Charlie smiled.
"He will be your tutor and teach you about maths, science, English… everything." Charlie said and looked to see Shawn's expression.
"Isn't 15 a little late to start learning?" Shawn asked and Mr Daniels smiled at him.
"I'm told you're very intelligent" he said smiling sharing a quick glance with Charlie.
Shawn sighed; Charlie had obviously spoken to him prior and told him all about him.
"Fine" Shawn sighed.
"We'll meet up every day and I'll give you homework assignments to complete" Mr Daniels said in excitement. "We'll have our first lesson tomorrow as I have put together a simple test for you to complete so I can gage your education….. See what you can remember"
"I remember everything" Shawn stated blandly. It wasn't the truth. He remembered most things, the important things.
"Well, it will just be a case of what your teachers actually taught you and to what level" he stated and Shawn just nodded in boredom. Mr Daniels was boring him.
"Right, well. We'll see you tomorrow Mr Daniels" Charlie stated awkwardly in an effort to dismiss him. Mr Daniels seemed to understand,
"Yes, see you then Miss Roberts" Mr Daniels bowed, "See you tomorrow Shawn" he smiled before he closed the door behind him.
Immediately the atmosphere relaxed and Charlie dropped from her professional manner.
"What do you think?" Charlie asked as she dumped herself on the new sofa.
"He's ok" Shawn replied absently.
"Just Ok?" Charlie replied with a smile.
Shawn shrugged before sitting next to Charlie looking down.
"I know you don't like change Shawn, it's not good for you I agree but Mr Daniels will bring you puzzles….like this one" she smiled handing him a book of cross words.
Shawn smiled and grabbed the book enthusiastically.
"Thanks" he smiled and Charlie smiled.
"You're welcome"
Charlie paused and watched as Shawn began to flick through the cross word book.
"How are you feeling?" Charlie asked sympathetically, noticing that Shawn looked a bit down.
"Fine" Shawn replied, not looking up until he glanced upwards and saw Charlie's sceptic face.
"Are you seeing him again?" she asked referring to Ross and they both knew that.
Shawn was quick to shake his head.
"Not really. I just hate being on meds" Shawn moaned and Charlie sighed.
"Shawn, we've talked about this…" she started.
"No we haven't" Shawn interrupted. "You just keep telling me that I need them to be normal. Yes I have a condition that is MY normal; it is what makes me unique"
"Shawn…"
"No, I hate being on meds. They change every few months and make me feel sick, ill. One thing I have learnt is that every pill has side effects. Surely taking them for long periods is bad for you? All the people you read about with drug trials and people dying of heart attacks from adverse reactions"
"Shawn. I don't have a choice here, we can experiment but I can't take you off your meds completely. Technically that choice is up to your parents" Charlie told him quietly.
Shawn paused for a moment before answering. "Let me guess, you haven't been able to contact my mom or my dad"
Charlie grimaced and shrugged in agreement.
"Doesn't that make you my guardian then?" Shawn asked.
Charlie shook her head slowly.
"Technically, they are still your guardians until you turn 18. Then custody transfers to us." She explained and Shawn looked solemn.
"Look, maybe after you have adapted to this place we could try a few weeks without your meds but your routine had been disrupted and I don't want to ruin our progress. Your health is my main priority. But if you decline you'll have to go back on." Charlie explained and Shawn smiled weakly.
"Thanks"
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True to Charlie's promise, a few weeks later he tried without his meds. Shawn stopped feeling tired all the time and he felt loads better. For the first week or so he had no problems what so ever. Not that Shawn noticed anyway. He developed routine and made sure he did the same thing every day and he became familiar with his surroundings. Even the new patients loved Shawn once they had adapted, in fact all of the patients loved Shawn. It was mainly just because he was young, at 15 years old he was several years younger than the rest of the patients and every one saw him as the child of the place and treated him as the little kid. Even though, Shawn was more mature than some of the patients. There was one girl here who was about 25 who woke up every day thinking she was 17. Phoebe was her name. She had suffered a severe psychological trauma when she was 17 and had developed retrograde amnesia. Shawn had become good friends with her over the years and as long as there wasn't a mirror in the room for her to see her aged reflection, they were all good.
In his therapy sessions all seemingly went Ok and Charlie agreed that he didn't have to take any medications as long as he kept up his routine and continued talk therapy and Shawn was ecstatic. Charlie would occasionally catch him looking over his shoulder at someone who wasn't there but Shawn tried not to react to them, knowing they were hallucinations when people walked past them without realising or when his common sense kicked in with, Spider man is a fictional character. There is no way he can be standing there.
His tutoring went really well and Mr Daniels actually had trouble keeping up. It reached a point when Shawn was 19 when he decided there was nothing left he could teach him. Instead, Shawn was told to visit the library every day which he easily fit in to his schedule. Spending exactly two hours every afternoon in the library studying the subjects in alphabetical order. He read everything, fiction and nonfiction. Some of the things he read weren't particularly interesting but Shawn couldn't stand only reading half of a book, he had to complete things. He had never left a cross word uncompleted. If he didn't know the answer, he never asked anyone, he hated getting help; instead he went to the library and looked it up himself. They got computers in the library at one point that you had to have special permission to use. Shawn had been given permission but refused to use them. Shawn knew all about the radiation they could give off, perhaps giving him skin cancer. He also knew that staring at a screen could damage your eyes and refused to let himself be drawn by these atrocious technological advances. Charlie considered Shawn a genius but Shawn was modest but also honestly blunt. Charlie warned him that he was very blunt with people and although he shouldn't lie, sometimes not telling someone the whole truth could be beneficial.
Author note: Ok, so now we have a diagnosis for Shawn's mental condition! Woop! And more donations means a nicer place. Woop! Next chapter we will skip 8 years where he is 23. See you all then! (Not in 8 years but, you know what I mean)