Chapter 10: Chapter 10
Natsu's scent was bothering Lucy again. It wasn't because she finds the scent awful, it's the opposite actually. How she wants to yank him down and sniff him to death!
But why the sudden change of perfume? She wished she knew. He smells like a baby. It's not a perfume actually. It smells cologne, refreshing cologne. He smells like a girl.
So that is what he's going to do after pulling that act yesterday. He was going to silently scream that he spent his night somewhere with another girl. Was she not enough? She couldn't really give all his needs, could she?
If she was satisfying and beautiful enough as a wife, he would not look for another girl to sleep with. But who was she kidding? She doubts if he will look at her even if she is damn satisfying and beautiful. He will never give her the wife treatment.
He may have taken her twice, but that was it. There was no love in it. That was nothing, merely a sex for him. And maybe in the days to come when that will happen again, it will happen in the same way. She would cry of the lack of feelings while he was doing what is gonna make him comfortable. And then after having what he wants, he will leave again.
She thought not consummating their marriage was already painful, but it wasn't painful enough when she comes to know how painful it is for your legal husband to take you with no passion – no love. Maybe, he was just badly itching to bang someone and she was there by chance.
She felt like she stooped lower than the lowest thinking of that. She sunk lower than those girls who were forced to sell their dignity for money. She was taken for granted. Maybe his girls were silently laughing at her for being the lowest of the lowest. They must be laughing and making fun of her. They were drowning in fake sympathy for her due to the fact that Natsu has to run to them for something that she can give.
That was heartbreaking.
And in return for his selfish actions and desire, he gave her another life to live.
But she won't still have his heart. He just made it clear through that cologne. What do his bitches have that she doesn't?
Is she hard to fall in love with? Is she that easy to hurt?
To be honest, she prefers his old scent. She loves that. It was a part of him. She was the one who told him to use that particular perfume when everything was still fine between them. He was so manly with his old perfume, one of the reasons why many girls are drooling for him. And now, he changed it. If his girls were laughing at her, she could laugh at them too. They were all the same.
Like her, Natsu won't ever love them. He was just using them for his needs. They were nothing to him, just like her.
If she's just a so-called wife, they were just a fling.
There are no feelings.
That's where they're the same.
"Thank you for the ride." She whispered before opening the car's door.
"I'll go somewhere." He quickly informed.
That made Lucy wonder why he has to tell her first. Does he mean to say that he's going to one of his girls?
She couldn't feel a thing, though.
"Okay. Thanks again."
Before completely opening the car's door, her eyes caught a glimpse of the drink she bought for him. It was just a bottle.
A roaring cascade of warm water flowed inside her chest. She feels like she was listening to her favorite song that never ceases to ease her soul, only was she staring at the bottle.
One second she was a lost kitten in search for her mother, then a second after that, she turned into a hatchling in delight upon seeing her mother with a food in its bill.
Getting off his car, she turned away after murmuring "Drive safely," in which Natsu nodded his head in return. Though Lucy couldn't see it because she wasn't looking at him.
That was a nice gesture to accept what she had given him, and to think and assume that he's going to one of his girls, damn, it hurts.
When she was inside her office, her tears started rolling down her rosy cheeks.
She thought it wouldn't hurt knowing that he'll be off to some other girl again. She convinced herself that it wasn't painful anymore, but it was.
Lately, she feels like he's been changing his attitude towards her. She thought he was starting to act nice towards her finally. She thought, their old friendship was coming back to life. If friendship was all fate could offer, what more could she ask for?
She doesn't want him hating her forever. If he will keep that strong and sinful feeling inside, it will just be a burden to him. Hating will do him no good. To be hated will do no good either. Every night, she couldn't sleep well knowing that the person she loves hates her in return.
It's hard to accept the truth that he will never be hers. He may not love her, but at least, there was a 'ship' connecting them. It may not be the relationship she wanted, but to know that somehow, he wants to be friends with her again, she will accept it with all her heart.
She thought he was offering friendship.
Without her consent, she hoped again.
And now that it was crushed, it was an old, same story, repeating over again.
She saw him with his flings before. She thought she already got the hang of it. She thought she would never get affected again. She thought it was alright. But it was not. As long as her feelings were alive, it was not alright.
If her feelings won't die, she will just feel the same. She had already given up. She had given him what he badly wanted, but he refused to sign them. Should she give him a copy of the divorce paper again?
He will just burn it again, so it will be a waste of time. She was a dove in a locked cage. In her current case, she wasn't a pure, white dove anymore. She was more like a stained dove. A dove stained with tears and blood, a dove used in the circus for playing tricks to other people. Yes, she was really that stained dove whose purpose was to serve their master in fooling other's imagination – she was a tool to perform optical illusion and for moneymaking.
When will she get free of her chains? Whenever she tries escaping, the chains will just pull her back. When her masters treat her nicely, it will turn out not the way she thought it would be. When she will behave, no one will notice. She would try to act nice, but they would put malice in it.
The idea of offering Natsu a divorce paper comes to her mind again.
She realized that it wasn't the tears that make us stronger. It is the pain that molds us to be tougher than before. It wasn't the mistakes that make you wiser, heartbreak was what makes you. Tears make you braver. They filter your eyes to see the truth that the stained eyes cannot see. And when you see the truth, you become brave to face it with everything you've got. Mistakes were her forefinger that points where she has to turn when she makes the wrong choices. Mistakes are the proof that she was trying.
She tried. She never quits trying. But if you would hurt yourself in every try, should you just stop? Maybe, that was a good option. What choices does she have? Does she have another thing to consider? There was nothing.
And with nothingness, she will start something.
The question is, can she?
She prayed to God for a little more time. She needs time to understand everything.
Wiping her tears away, Juvia with her swollen stomach came inside with worry in her eyes.
X – X – X
Natsu entered the company.
He readied himself for work smelling like a newly born infant, only to smell like a warrior after getting back from the car shop where he brought Lucy's car for fixing.
He made up his mind. He couldn't bear everything he's keeping inside anymore. He will give Lucy the real piece of his mind – and his heart. He will tell her everything, starting from Lisanna, to the marriage, his foolish actions, fake flings, taking her and her pregnancy. If only guilt doesn't exist, he would have confronted her with that, weeks ago.
He will ask her the meaning behind her kissing him. He wants to know the real reason behind her tears. He wants to know everything.
He had never felt so confused before.
While half – walking and half – running, he bumped into someone.
"Sorry Sir." Loke bowed his head.
"Where are you going?" He asked in a low and serious voice.
Looking at his hand, he was holding a pack of sushi.
"I'm just going to give this to Miss Lucy, Sir."
"I think you're awfully mistaken Loke. It's Mrs. Lucy and Ma'am Lucy Dragneel at work. Should I give you a lesson first?" He snatched the sushi from him, gripping tightly on it. He made sure to put emphasis on his surname. Annoyance was overpowering him.
"I'm sorry Sir."
"Don't you have a wife and a kid? Why don't you just give them the extra attention you're showering Lucy? Lucy's not your damn wife! You don't suit her!" He said through gritted teeth.
He was mad that he couldn't think first before letting his words out of his mouth. All he wanted that time was to make sure Loke will get, understand and do what he wanted to say and make him do.
But the latter just gave him a smirk that pissed him more. That moment on, he knows they weren't talking as someone with names or someone who has something anymore. Their conversation has turned into a man to man talk and when a man talks, they do it with fists.
"You think you deserve somebody that is Lucy? Do you know who you are? Just a Dragneel with a rotten attitude while I'm Loke, her best friend. We are never the same Dragneel." He spat his name with venom as if trying to kill him with his tone of voice.
"Damn you!"
In a rapid blink of an eye, Loke was seen struggling to stand up from the floor while rubbing his bleeding lip corner. As soon as he was on his feet again, Natsu strikes again. Loke didn't let him hit her. Pulling his right arm behind to increase momentum and enough power, he pushed his arm forward, hitting Natsu in his gut.
Natsu made a step back.
They continue hitting one another.
"Stay away from her! You hear me? Stay away!" Natsu gave him a blow on the face again.
Loke did the same with a smirk while trying to answer his statement.
"I won't until she doesn't leave you moron! You're no good for her!"
"SHUT UP!" Natsu couldn't control himself anymore.
Every punch, he meant it for Loke to take back what he had just said. Every hit, he wants to show him who is stronger.
Through his fist, he was letting his anger out with every illegal punch. What Loke said was true and he couldn't accept that it was all true. It made him think again if he should talk to her.
One last hit and Loke landed on the floor. Everyone was just staring, afraid to meddle in between. Gray and Gajeel came into view.
Loke stands again. No one was backing out. This time, someone was holding them back. Their anger was getting the best of them that even Gajeel and Gray couldn't do a thing. They were sent flying backwards.
Their eyes only hold one kind of emotion – anger to one another.
One hit and they both fell to the floor.
"WHAT'S THIS?! STOP!"
Natsu's clock stopped tickling upon hearing that voice. Gray, Gajeel, Juvia and who knows who, surrounded him.
His sensitive ears caught up the familiar noise of her shoes. The owner of that most beautiful pair of legs was running. He couldn't look at her eyes, though. He doesn't care about the people surrounding him.
He never saw Lucy exchanging glances at their bleeding faces. She was worried for the both of them. But who should she run to? She wants to know what drove them to kill each other and of all places to do it, they've done it inside the company.
Natsu has cuts and bruises on his face. It wasn't many, but it was deep. His left cheek was turning into a hue of purple too. He has a wound on his forehead; a rivulet of blood dripping from it. Lucy trailed her eyes full of worry on his hand that wiped the blood that flowed down his head. How she wants to run to him, but seeing that Natsu has so many people gathered around him while Loke was left alone wiping the remnants of blood away from his lips and cheeks, she ran on to Loke.
She crouched down beside Loke, the man who was always there for her.
"What are you two doing?!" Lucy shouted in fear.
Her hands trembled when they got stained with blood. It was a very frightening sight that she feels like throwing up.
Natsu felt like something stabbed and penetrated deeply right through his chest. It was a heavy feeling. He has no idea how much it weighs or if he could even carry that weight. He felt like he lost. He overpowered Loke, but seeing Lucy ran to him, he felt like he has proven nothing.
He just wanted Loke to stay away from Lucy, but the opposite happened. He has so many things he wants to know, but he doubts if he will ever know the answers to his every question. Fuck. Does that matter now? Right, he is selfish for wanting Lucy to run to him.
While she was standing in between of their sitting form, he prays for her to run to him, lean down and wipe his bloodstained face while asking him in her soft and worried voice if he was okay. Was that too much to ask? He wanted that to happen because if she did, he knows he still has a chance to correct all his mistakes.
He never had it. Lucy ran to Loke. There are lots of people surrounding him, but why does he feel so alone? What was that isolated feeling? Damn, he was awfully hurt. He stands up, but half of him wasn't motivated to do so. He feels so defeated, but at the same time, he feels mad.
Standing up, Lucy shot him a look of pure disgust. Lucy did her best in hiding and pushing the worry behind her eyes. She was worried, but she couldn't say she wasn't mad.
Walking to his standing form, her nose scrunched up at his smell. It made something churn inside her stomach, making her feel dizzy. She was mad and the disgusting thing that her senses received just added fuel to the already burning pit.
"What's your fucking problem?!" She shouted. For once, she was glad she did.
Natsu tidied up his suit after giving Loke a glare. Hearing Lucy shout lit something inside him. It wasn't anger. It was far different from anger, but there was still the element of anger on it. It was fucking jealousy.
He almost crouched down when she yelled, but decided in the very last second to act tough.
"He is my fucking problem! Damn it! I have so many fucking shits!" He shouted back.
Upon seeing the sushi she asked Loke to buy, she snatched it away from him.
"That doesn't give you the right to hit Loke! Get your grip!" Lucy choked on her own words.
Loke walked behind Lucy in an attempt to take her far from Natsu. He was afraid to where their heated conversation might get. Holding her gently in her arm, Natsu pulled her away roughly.
"You don't fucking get in between. We're not done talking!"
Natsu hit him again after taking Lucy behind him, still holding her in her arm.
Lucy tried breaking free from his tight hold, but he was so damn strong.
"Stop it Natsu!"
Lucy couldn't take his smell anymore. He smells like rusted chains and smoke and damn knows what! She would throw out any minute. She doesn't know what was with Natsu, but what matters to her that time was to get away from him.
Pulling her arm back with one forceful yank, she pushed him away while covering her nose. Natsu turned to look at her with surprise completely visible on his face.
"Just…" She can feel the lump in her throat.
"Just fucking stay away from me!" She shouted before running past Loke and from everyone to head towards the toilet.
Loke fixed his suit before grinning.
"I wonder what hurts more than my punch, Lucy running to me, Lucy pushing you away or Lucy commanding you to stay away from her? Damn, the feels."
Natsu glared at him. He fisted on Loke's collar with his two hands.
"Damn you! Shut the fuck up!" He threw him away, not minding whether he lands on the floor or not.
With that, he gets away from the scene.
She just told him to stay away from her. Maybe, he was too late for everything. It's damn hard to do what she asked. He doesn't want to do it, but does he have a choice?
Too late.
X – X – X
Lucy locked herself in her room after that incident. She doesn't really mean what she told him. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Because of her shitty mouth, Natsu won't plan to go home anymore. They would be distant apart.
She feels horrible for running to Loke instead of running to him. Later that day, she was informed by a man from a car shop that Natsu brought them her car for fixing. She was also told that he was the one who fixed most of the parts. He wasn't going anywhere with some random girl. He was being kind, kind enough to fix her car.
And what she did in return was truly not something you could be proud of. Instead of ensuring his safety, she left him alone. She yelled at him and shoo him away. She should have controlled herself. It was just a scent! How could she say bad things to him when she was his wife?
She should have tended his wounds. She should have stood beside him no matter who was at fault. Whether it's Loke or not who started the fight, she shouldn't have cared. She should know better that Natsu wasn't the type to pick a fight first and in a place where he is respected in the first place.
What had she done?
She was always following her heart, so why on earth did she use her mind that time? It wasn't the right time to use her brain. If she just used her heart and run to him, she wouldn't feel guilt and remorse.
What should she do now?
He wasn't going back home and it has been three days. Only if nothing happened between them, she could stay calm knowing that he will always come back whenever he wants to. But that was a fake dream. There's no assurance if he would ever go back and it's all her fault.
"Princess, time for dinner."
Lucy told her no and shut herself in the library. All she could do was work harder. As much as she wants to seek for him, she couldn't find the courage to do it. She was the one who pushed him away and she has no right to get him back. It wasn't like he was hers at the very beginning.
She has to work his part too. It's her responsibility to do so. And if he will hopefully come back, at least, he will come back in a light atmosphere.
It has become a busy day when he left. There are lots of paper to sign, lots of meetings to attend to and lots of office work to finish. Deadlines of whatever was filling her memo.
Loke tried talking to her too, but she just couldn't act well around him. She wasn't mad at him nor was she blaming him for everything that had transpired. Blaming won't do any good. But even so, she couldn't get herself to treat Loke the same way as before. It was kind of awkward to talk to him.
Heck, she couldn't even look him in the eye anymore. Slowly, a thick pile of brick separated them apart. And maybe, that was better. She doesn't want Loke to have problems because of her. He has a wife and Natsu was right when he told her to stay away from him.
All this time, Natsu was just doing what would be the best for everyone. For a moment, she forgot the script that she took time to memorize. She forgot that there were cameras rolling everywhere and they were the actor and actress in the eye of the higher ups.
He was so smart and careful and in one sweep on her feet, she destroyed the drama, the opera they were acting at. It's difficult to think of an answer every time the board of directors of any company will ask her about them and what had happened between them. It's so hard to weave a realistic comeback when she knows what the real thing is. She doesn't know what to say.
Every time they would talk ill of Natsu, she would defend him. But it was all gone futile. She told them she wasn't having an affair, but they will just give her a scrutinizing look. No one believes her. She has decided to just shut her mouth about everything, but her ears could hear it all. Their false accusations, their wrong judgments – everything that could possibly hurt!
Despite of their ill-mannered mouths, they would still invest and were still willing to work with their company. It's because of the money, the name and the success that they were still lingering around them. For that, she's a bit thankful.
If they are gone, her father will surely confine her in an unbreakable chain. And when that happens, her baby will be put in a hard situation.
She was dying of worry to where Natsu might be. The higher ups hardly pressed her for that matter. She has no idea where he went.
She is afraid of what be happening to him. Is he eating well or is he having a good sleep? There were lots of questions bugging her mind about his whereabouts. She was pummeled with so many emotions – guilt, regret, stress, depression, sadness, tiredness, fear, anxiety and such.
Starting the fourth day of Natsu's absence, she was always gloomy. She loss weight and got thinner despite of her sudden bloating due to pregnancy. She doesn't feel like eating at all. Natsu's mom once visited their house and upon finding that her son was gone, she received a severe scolding. She got slightly sick, but recovered quickly nonetheless. She couldn't be sick.
She should stay healthy for the company. She was also starting to neglect her child's need by accident. When she will crave, she will strongly restrain herself not to stop working. Every second counts. The baby's safety all depends on how she works now. If her father would know about her baby too, chances that he will take the baby away from her to train for business. She has to sacrifice what she thinks is needed for the better.
Everything she does wasn't all for her, it was for the others, but mostly was all for her baby and her dream family.
She was walking like a cat in the hallway down to Gray's office. She has something to get from him – about work. What else would it be?
"Natsu met up with Lisanna." She heard his voice loud and clear.
"Really? Did they already fix everything between them?" It was Gajeel.
"Yes."
Not wanting to hear more of their conversation, he accidentally shut the door close. It made a sound that made Gray and Gajeel got alarmed.
"M – Ma'am Lucy…" Gray stuttered.
"Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to listen."
"It's not what you think Ma'am." Gray made a step, making Lucy take a step back.
"It's alright. What matters most is that Natsu is safe. I couldn't ask for more knowing that he is perfectly safe and sound." She smiled at them, though she could see it in their eyes that they weren't convinced.
Turning her back on them, she finished everything that has to be done that day and dashed to their house. Their house wasn't a home anymore.
It was dull, lonely and lifeless. There were no people around. Even Virgo, Lyra, and Macao weren't there. Her two friends had a day off while she learned from Natsu that Macao's son is sick.
It was just a house with furnitures. She was the only living being inside, she and her baby. Such a shame for those who worked hard to complete their house. Their sweats were for nothing.
Of course she wasn't alright. She just learned that Natsu met up with Lisanna. And surely, that was the reason why he wasn't going back. He found the girl who could set his heart into different kind of motions.
Maybe they were happy by now. They must be drowning in each other's hug and smile. They must be telling how they missed each other, confessing how much they love each other. At last, Natsu will smile again. The picture of Lisanna and Natsu, running away together come into her mind. Although it hurts to know that she was left out, she won't do anything to destroy their happiness.
But damn, it hurts. It just fucking hurts. Even though it hurts to think, and even though it is hard to believe and accept, his feelings weren't for her. But what could she do? She gave him her one and only 'I do,' but the real couple here is them.
If she was Lisanna, would he notice her? If she was her, would he give her the love she was begging for? What does Lisanna has that she doesn't?
She knows he didn't notice the fact that she was just there, waiting for him to love her. She was always waiting for that time to come. She thought she could wait forever. Why couldn't he notice that she was always right there waiting for him to come back?
Will the time that he will find her, search for her and come back to her come? She had hoped, but it wouldn't happen now. All those two years of hoping that he could love her too was gone for nothing. He was the only man he loved like that.
She wants to forget everything, but would anybody tell her how? How could he forget him when he left her a trace of himself?
Sitting at the poolside, she let her legs dangle down the cold water, not caring if she would wet her clothes. It was still bright outside despite of the time.
Reaching a hand over her stomach, she made soothing circles on it. She didn't notice the tears that freed out her tear duct.
"Sorry that I can tell your father about you, okay? Mommy was just afraid that Daddy will deny you as his child because – "She wiped away her tears.
"Because Daddy doesn't love Mommy. She loves another girl. But your father is a kind person. Actually, he fixed mommy's car. He just couldn't love me, so don't get mad at him, ok?"
If he knew and started to act nice towards her just because she was carrying his child, what will happen after the child is born? Is she going to be a trash in his eyes again? She was so tired of being a trash being dumped over and over again.
It doesn't matter anymore though. As long as he could be a father to his child, it's enough. If he could love their child, then everything is fine. She won't wish something for herself anymore. It won't come true anyways so she should better stop wasting her time.
"If ever your father loves you, could you do me a favor?"
She splashed some water away from her. She doesn't know if she's going insane or what. She just wants to let everything out.
"Could you tell your Daddy Natsu that I love him? Could you tell him that even though he won't love me, I will still love him? Please tell Daddy that I had never stopped loving him even though loving him hurts so much. Tell him that I tried to forget my love for him, but I just can't because forgetting him means killing my heart. Could you do that for me?"
And as if the baby asked her why, she smiled a sad one after answering her imaginary question.
"Mommy has a feeling that she would never get the chance to tell him that… anymore. So please, grant me my wish when you're born."
Only one person could heal the scars. But she knows it too well that her scars won't heal. She tried smiling to stop her tears from falling, but her tears will flow nonetheless. That was a metaphor of her undying love for him. Suppress your feelings and it will only get stronger. The time that it gets stronger, expect the pain to be much more worse than the worst.
Her tears were a sign that she couldn't handle the pain anymore.
Maybe, it's better if she just didn't live. How can love make you feel so alive and dead at the same time?
With all the loneliness, the feeling of solitude, heartbreak, she couldn't feel her baby inside her anymore. But she knows the baby is just there. She was just too numb to feel a thing anymore.
Her once innocent life far from pain got broken when she comes to know the meaning of love. When water falls from the river, it becomes a waterfall. When you drop a tear on the ocean, you can never get it back anymore. You won't know where it is. The blue waves of the cascading water pushed by the strong wind turned red. As blue turned into red, light becomes dark.
"Help…"
Hi. Im so sorry for posting it for the second time and deleting it for the second time. Well, it wont happen for the third time. Im so sorry for any errors, Im too lazy. Im so sorry my dear readers (if I have any) for making you wait for this. Im truly sorry. Truth is, I deleted this story for the second time for a reason.
Anyways, thanks. Peace on Earth. The second half here.
Tcare.
-Aia