CHAPTER NINE

Why we play it safe

Sasha awoke just before dawn as usual. She had always been an early riser. Though the thought of having a lie in sounded good, she generally found that she could never get back to sleep and would instead spend the time worrying or turning the same unproductive thoughts over and over again in her mind. It was far better for her mental health to get up and engage in an occupation that would clear her head. The morning was very cool, so she had to bundle up a bit. She quickly dressed, grabbed her broom and headed to the courtyard for takeoff. Harry was already there waiting for her. From a distance, he looked so much like his father, though his posture made him appear less cocksure than James.

"Morning, Harry! I'm afraid this will have to be our last morning flight until the tournament is over. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was playing favorites."

"I thought you might say that professor," he said with a heavy sigh. "I just couldn't sleep. I've no idea who put my name in that goblet. The worst part of it is that everyone thinks I'm lying."

She smiled, knowing that feeling of worry and dread very well. It made her feel a bit sorry for him. He had a far sweeter demeanor than his father. He was humble, a trait James certainly lacked. Lily lacked it too in Sasha's opinion though everyone else in the world would disagree with her. Truth be told she liked him better than both of them. He was a good kid. "I believe you, Harry." She beamed at him and he seemed to relax a bit. "Come on! Last chance to halfpipe with an old lady!" With that, she took off and he followed her. They flew for two hours, not wanting their last outing to end. They didn't land until they absolutely had to in order to grab a quick breakfast before class.

Severus was watching this pre-dawn flight from his window and getting angrier by the moment. He loathed Potter. He also hated Sasha for intruding on his well-ordered life. Just look at them. She obviously fancies him. A younger version of James right here and now. She'll manipulate that stupid boy into bed and he will love every minute of it. Severus was a seething cauldron of hatred by the time he trudged into the Great Hall for breakfast. He had no appetite but desperately needed caffeine after so many nights without sleeping well.

He sat sulking at the head table with a pounding headache and watched them enter the room like old friends. Two arrogant quidditch jocks with their brooms over their shoulders striding in like they owned the castle. They were laughing and joking. Both were pink-cheeked from strenuous activity with their hair tousled about. Seeing the two of them together made Severus' blood boil. They both looked like they'd just rolled out of bed after a fantastic shag. He felt his shoulders tense in disgust.

Harry joined his friends at the Gryffindor table as Sasha approached the head table. She smiled at Severus but walked right past him. "Good morning Severus," she said with a dismissive little wave. She seemed to barely notice him as she walked over to join Madame Hooch, Minerva, and Sprout. His mind was racing erratically, still livid about the discovery of her love for James the night before and now this spectacle with his son. Harry wasn't even a man. He was merely a pubescent boy. The crease between his eyes deepened as he began to plot a punishment for this perceived sin. He wanted to hurt her, to make her feel as horrible and rejected as he did. Without thinking it through he walked over to where she was sitting with the other women. He stood at the table looming over them until everyone looked up at him. Her punishment must be public. "Out to rob the cradle are we?"

The entire table of women stopped eating and went silent, completely astonished. He and Sasha locked eyes on each other like snipers with a target. He raised an eyebrow at her, daring her to come back at him. She did. She put down her coffee cup and rolled her eyes. "Would you care to tell me what it is that you're babbling about?" she said in her most condescending tone.

His upper lip curled. "Is it not enough that you have Karkaroff on your hook? Now you're whoring around with students? This is a school not a singles bar."

His accusation was so shocking that it caused Minerva to gasp, and she was not one to shock easily.

Sasha however, did not show that he had shocked her in the least. "Just what exactly are you insinuating, Snape?" She spat out his last name like it had a bad taste.

Minerva piped up nervously, 'Time for class ladies" and quickly shooed the others away, giving Snape a nasty look as they left.

Sasha would later be annoyed that Minerva hadn't taken up for her, but for now, she was too focused on preparing to give Snape an earful. As much as she adored him, he was terribly frustrating and it would feel good to finally unload on him for a change. She waited until they were out of earshot but neither she nor Snape broke eye contact during this time

"Well...explain yourself," she drawled slowly

"You and Potter," he hissed.

"Harry and I?"

"That's right. You're spending an inappropriate amount of time together. He's an impressionable young boy and you're behaving like a tart." Their eyes drilled holes into each other.

"HA! Tart, am I? Well, I don't have to ask how you know all about my whereabouts. I saw you this morning stalking me from your window. AGAIN!" Her voice got much louder and she stood to be on an even level with him and leaned even closer until they were nearly nose to nose. Then she went after him in an angry whisper. "How DARE you accuse me of something so low! You've got a lot of brass to stand there and accuse me of something so vile especially when it's completely baseless and utterly absurd." Severus had a terrible feeling he was about to be bested and swallowed hard bracing for impact. Sasha went for his throat. "Who the BLOODY HELL do you think you are to come up to me in front of a group of colleagues and disparage my reputation based on nothing but your ridiculous conjecture? And THEN to call me a disgusting name like that! If this is how you treat all your friends? It's no wonder you don't have any."

He stood there shocked into silence and back to reality. She had him. Of course, she was right. His accusations were stupid and he instantly had no idea why he leveled such an insidious charge at her. He was repeating a pattern he swore he never would.

Sasha had even shocked herself. She hadn't wanted to wound him this badly. He suddenly looked like that lonely young man she knew so long ago. He wore the same expression as a cornered animal that she had seen when James would go after him. Her stomach flipped and she wanted so badly to take it back. "Oh, Severus I'm," He closed his eyes and held up his hand for her to stop. Then he turned on his heel and walked quickly towards the door.

As he passed Potter he glared at him. "Fifty points from Gryffindor." The whole table looked at him in shock.

"For what?" said Harry.

"You're not to be flying in the morning."

Sasha was no longer hungry and began to slowly exit with her coffee in hand. "Fifty points to Gryffindor," she sighed as she passed Harry. "For being in the wrong place at the wrong time." She left the table of students in utter confusion.

A week went by and Sasha drifted through her days in a dream-like state. She felt horrible about the things she's said to him. He deserved it she told herself, but she didn't really believe it. She was ashamed of herself for hurting someone she loved, but then that was how the Malfoys were sometimes. Severus wouldn't look at her and she was terrified of pushing him and bearing his wrath again. Harry, of course, relayed all his observations to Sirius who decided to check up on his favorite cousin.

Sasha sat alone in her room trying and failing to get absorbed in a new book. She heard a stirring in the fire and turned to see her beloved Sirius poking through the embers.

"Hey you!" She smiled for the first time in seven days. "I wondered when I'd hear from you again. How is the country?"

"Miserable, the birds are beyond ugly."

Sasha laughed. He could always make her laugh at her darkest hours.

"How are you cousin?"

"Great," she shrugged and tried to sound convincing.

"You don't sound great," he said with a tone of suspicion. "How are things with Snivellus?"

She didn't bother to correct Sirius as she normally would when he called Severus by his unflattering nickname. "He hasn't changed much." She tried to sound nonchalant.

"Let me guess. I'll bet he's still being an absolute prick and you're still going right back for more aren't you?"

"Oh, you want honesty." She sighed heavily. "I keep thinking I'll just walk away but then I just have to have my fix. We had an argument last week though. We haven't spoken since. Are you proud of me?"

"Always, but not for that. You'll go back. I've never understood what you see in him. He such a twit. Why do you put up with him." Sirius sounded like his old schoolboy self.

"Because beneath that hard black exterior is a good heart and a tender soul, and when I can catch a glimpse of it, it's just...so...endearing. He's had such a hard time of it and I so want to help him, but he doesn't want my help or anyone else's for that matter. Actually, I also find that admirable." She stared far away dreamily.

"I think I should go vomit." He laughed loudly.

"Go then." She was in no mood for teasing.

"Sash," he said using his pet name for her, "I just don't want you to get hurt again. Remember what happened last time? He almost destroyed you."

"Destroyed? That's a bit dramatic, don't you think? Anyway, I was a child then Sirius. I can handle it now."

There was a knock at the door that made Sasha jump. "I have to go. Someone's at the door."

"Promise me you'll be careful."

"I promise if you do."

"I promise."

"Good night Sirius."

"Good night Sash."

Before she opened the door, she saw that someone had slipped a letter under her door. She quickly flung the door open but found no one there. So, she walked back into her room and opened the letter to find Severus' angled script.

Dear Miss Malfoy,

I must apologize for my conduct last week. I haven't been sleeping and the lack of proper rest has affected my mood and judgment. You were right to call me out on my treatment of friends. It is at times deplorable. There are many things in my past that I regret. I cannot take them back or excuse them. I can only tell you that we are all a product of our experiences and beg you to accept my humble apology.

SS

She teared up as she read this. This was one of the rare glimpses into his heart that she could live on forever. She wanted to run to his room and throw her arms around him and tell him everything was okay and she would love him forever. But what good would that do? He would never love her back and it would just scare him away. This friendship was the best she could hope for. She decided a simple response was best. Direct and to the point was the language he understood. She sat down and penned her response and then set out to slip it under his door.

He was alone, sipping his nightly brandy as he always did right before turning in. His usual one brandy had turned into two since his argument with Sasha one week ago and he tried to forget the terrible things he'd said to her. Calling her a tart had been ridiculous. She was nothing of the sort, and he was appalled at his behavior. His felt his shame particularly tonight and decided on a third brandy, hence the letter. He wanted to take the letter back as soon as he sent it. How could he be so stupid as to leave himself completely prone for her to crush him? His insecurity was amplified by drunkenness and he had made a stupid mistake. Now as was the pattern he was begging like a dog for forgiveness. He felt like a pathetic excuse for a man. She would never forgive him and he would return to his life devoid of meaningful human contact other than that which was unavoidable. The only difference was that now she would have the upper hand.

He heard the letter skidding across the floor. He ran to the door but after three brandies he knocked over a small table, tripped over a rug and was too late to catch the messenger. He slammed the door and stared at the letter, which bore the Malfoy family crest. He didn't want to open it, for once he did he knew there was no going back. He finished the last swallow of the third brandy and poured a fourth. Then he picked up the letter and sat back in his wing chair by the fire and resigned himself to the inevitable. He opened the letter and read Sasha's elegant script.

My dear friend Severus,

I could never stay mad at you for long, especially over such a silly argument. All is forgiven.

Love,

Sasha

P.S. Meet me for breakfast tomorrow. I've missed you.

He heaved an enormous sigh of relief and threw brandy number four in the fire. He went to bed and had the best sleep he'd had in a week.

Sasha woke up at four, an hour earlier than usual. She dressed and decided to go for an extra long solo flight so she would have a clear head when she saw him.

Severus was up vomiting at six am a result of too much brandy. He reread her letter and was relieved to see that he wasn't dreaming. He showered and tried to collect himself before he saw her. He should have taken a draught to relieve his hangover, but decided he deserved a physical punishment for his foolishness so he would remember not to drink so much again.

He felt nauseous when he walked into the great hall and saw her already there. It was partly because of too much brandy, partly from nerves. He hated it when someone had the advantage and did she ever have it today. She was sure to use it too. Women always did. She looked fresh and bright and had saved him a seat. He avoided eye contact and sat down.

"I thought you might need this. Your letter smelled faintly of brandy." She handed him a large bottle of something red.

"You made me a potion?" He said cautiously wondering what was in it.

"More of a beverage really. Drink up, you'll feel better."

He looked closely at it, holding it to the light. "What's in it?"

"Afraid I'll poison you? Relax, it's just vitamins and caffeine. Nothing magical. Just drink it."

He did. It helped.

"Thank you." There was a long silence between them which made him uncomfortable. He might as well get on with the inevitable.

"Sasha," he said looking down, "I'm so sorry." His voice was weak and cracked.

"Shah" she whispered softly patting his arm. "It's in the past. Everyone makes mistakes. Still friends?" Neither could look at the other.

"Yes." She's so easy on me. Why couldn't Lily have been this forgiving? This is the kind of understanding that would be so prized in someone I loved. Instead, it is wasted on someone I merely lust for.

Sasha sensed his mind drifting far away and tried to look for safer ground. "How's my nephew doing in your class?"

Severus was relieved for the diversion. Once again she was easy on him. "Quite well actually. He's very intelligent." And so they slipped back into this familiar rhythm of work and small talk. It was safe.