Chapter 10: Merry Christmas Peter Griffin OR How Bertram stole Christmas
Okay, you guys are really starting to bum me out. Last chapter I didn't get one single review. It got 7 hits. I decided not to do the Lois and marge story. Now I know you guys might be busy because of the holidays but it doesn't take that long to review. After I read a chapter I always review it. Now you've forced me to write a cheesy extremely belated Christmas chapter that's a horrible mix between "How the Grinch stole Christmas" and "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown". But, if you're nice enough to read the whole thing, at the end of the chapter I've written some nice things about my loyal readers and the writers of my favorite stories. But remember: NO skipping. It's like peeking at your presents before Christmas.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of trademarks in this one so basically I only own the OCs I created: Rachel, Heather, J.Z., and Butty.
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It was Christmas time in Quahog and everyone was in the holiday spirit. Everyone, that is, except for two people. Let's meet the first one.
Peter walked out of his house into the freshly fallen snow. The snow crunched beneath his boots and he stopped to lean on a wall. (The way Charlie Brown and Linus do in the Christmas special. I know I just ruined the cliché but it gets kind of confusing.) He sighed. Then Cleveland and Homer walked over.
"Hey Peter." said Cleveland. "And a merry yuletide season to you I might add."
"That's funny." said Homer. "I thought it was Christmas time."
"Why so glum peter?" asked Cleveland.
"I and Butty can't seem to get into the holiday spirit."
"You and who?"
"Butty. I figured out that this isn't a dream so I gave him a name."
"How do you know it's not a dream?"
"Well last night when I was about to go to bed I looked under the mattress and there wasn't any monsters. Just a sock and what's so scary about socks?"
"Oh you have no idea." said homer, about to relive a horrific memory.
Flashback--
Homer walked through Mr. Burns' office doors.
"Mr. Burns can I talk to AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" he had walked in on Mr. Burns getting dressed with nothing but his socks on.
"Simpson! Get out of here!"
Homer didn't need to be told twice. He ran out as fast as could.
"Now Sir?" asked Smithers.
"Wait for it." He said. "Okay Now! Release the hounds!"
Homer ran into Moe's a few seconds later.
"Moe! I just saw my boss naked!"
"Okay Homer you got it. The usual you have when you see a man naked. One forget me shot coming up!"
The next day homer woke up with no memory just as the hounds found him. Later at work.
Homer walked into Mr. Burns' office.
"Mr. Burns, about your hounds, they AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"
"Damnit Simpson! Not again!"
Homer ran out as fast as he could.
"How long has it been Smithers?"
"This is the fourth time this week sir."
"Remind me to mark his profile as gay."
"Yes sir."
End Flashback--
"So peter. What are you planning to do about your holiday spirit?"
"I'm not sure."
"Why don't you visit Lois's theatre group and see how they're doing on the Christmas play?" said Butty.
"Not now Butty I'm trying to think. I've got it! I'll go visit Lois's theatre group and see how they're doing on the Christmas play!" said Peter.
Then He, Cleveland, and Homer walked off.
All the people in quahog liked Christmas a lot.
But the little boy who had been spying in a nearby tree did not.
Bertram had never really liked the holiday season,
I can't tell you why no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right,
Or maybe his shoes were a little too tight,
But I think the biggest reason of all
Was that his heart was two sizes too small.
"Oh I hate Christmas!" Bertram said.
"It is the one holiday that I truly dread.
I can't stand all that holiday cheer,
Or the hopes that Saint Nick will soon be here.
For much too long, I've put up with it now
I must stop Christmas from coming! But How?
Wait, am I talking in Rhyme?
Gotta remember not to do that next time. Damnit!"
Bertram thought about what peter had said,
And the pieces formed together inside of his head.
Then Bertram got an idea.
Bertram got a nasty idea.
Bertram got an evil nasty idea.
"I'll ruin their play!" he said with a sneer.
"That'll put an end to their holiday cheer."
Then he climbed out that tree very quick indeed,
And went off to start his devilish deed.
--
When Peter and everyone else got to the play house Lois was directing everything. She looked very stressed out. She saw them and walked over.
"Well hello peter. Maybe you could help us out. We're reenacting the baby in the manger play this year. We've been very busy. I might need you to get a few things for me."
"Sure lois. I'm just trying to get into the holiday spirit."
"Well you can have some of this fruitcake: Since there's not an invasion of Pokemon outside."
"aww Gross!" said peter holding the fruitcake. He looked from side to side to see that no one was watching. Then he put it on a chair and sat on it.
"Gross! I don't want it either." said Butty.
--
Bertram stood in the room in the back
Getting ready for his Christmas attack.
He took all the costumes and he tore them apart.
He poured ink on them all and put them back in their cart.
"With no costumes their play will surely be bad,
But I won't stop there; I'll make it the worst they've had."
Then he snuck away with an evil grin.
He was sure now that he would win.
(P.S. I know these rhymes really suck.)
--
"Peter, could you get those costumes in the back for us?" said lois.
"Sure." Said peter, running around back. He gasped when he found all the costumes torn up and all inky.
"Good grief." He said as he handed them to Lois.
"Oh my gosh! These look worse than Brittany Spears' outfits!"
Cut Scene--
Brittany's costume designers are sitting in a room smoking pot.
"Okay, Okay I've got a great idea. Instead of covering up all the bad parts let's cover everything except the bad parts!"
"Dude! That is an awesome idea. D-Dude!"
"I-I know! It's like they won't be expecting it!"
"We'd better get that ready, she performs in five minutes."
End Cut Scene--
"Nah, scratch that." said Lois. "They're not that bad. Looks like we'll just have to perform without costumes."
"But aren't you trying to recreate the scene that started our Christian religion?" asked Peter.
"It doesn't matter peter. As long as we get good reviews." Said lois.
"Whatever." Said Peter walking over to the dessert table. He reached for a cupcake without looking but found it was empty. He gasped and everybody ran over to see was the matter.
"Peter!" said lois angrily.
"lois it wasn't me! Do I look like some sort of fat guy to you?"
They all stared in silence.
--
Behind a wall a few yards away Bertram sat there and spit, like, 6 cupcakes out of his mouth.
"Ugh." He said. "I still can't eat too much sugar after that time I went to strawberry shortcake land."
Cut Scene--
Bertram walked down a long road. A girl with a huge head and a dog ran up to him.
"Hi. I'm Strawberry Shortcake and this is Pupcake. Would you like a lollipop to suck on?"
"No but I'll be serving you some nice cold Death!" He Said pulling out two automatic rifles. He began to shoot everybody. Strawberry tried to run down the chocolate meadow but Bertram was close behind. He shot her in the leg and she rolled the rest of the way until she stopped herself and stood up. She found that her back was extremely close to the pit of death. Er… chocolate pit of death. One roll and she would have fallen in. there was nowhere to run now. Bertram walked up slowly.
"It's strange how stupid shows like yours bring out the evilest in us isn't?" he said.
"This is Madness!" she yelled.
"No…" he said. "This…is…SPARTA!"
He kicked her and watched as she fell to her death.
"Suck on that B!#."
End Cut Scene--
Peter was watching them rehearse when Lois came up to him.
"Okay peter I'll give one more chance to help me out but please don't screw this one up."
"you got it Lois!"
"I need you to go down to the supermart's parking lot and pick up a tree."
"I'll get the best one they have!" he said running off.
Up in the rafters Bertram smiled devilishly.
"Here's my biggest thing yet!" then he raced off.
(You'll notice I stopped rhyming. I really got nothing.)
--
Bertram arrived at the lot first.
He took out a flamethrower and started laughing maniacally as he burnt down the whole lot. This goes on for about five minutes (Not literally of course) so while you're waiting please hum to yourself the "You're a mean one Mr. Grinch" song but replace Mr. Grinch with Mr. Bertram. When he was done there were no trees left at all. He thought he'd finally won so he ran off.
Then Peter showed and when he saw the mess he said: "Good Grief!"
"What are we gonna do now Butty?"
"I don't know Peter…"
Then peter saw something. He ran behind the dumpster to find an old small beat up tree.
"Hey look Butty I found one!"
"I don't know peter. It doesn't look very good."
"awww. What do you know Butty? You're a butt!"
He picked about the pathetic excuse for a tree and ran off.
Back at the theatre, Lois was yelling at peter.
"Peter, the tree you got looks absolutely horrible! How are we supposed to re-enact the birth of Jesus without a proper pine tree?"
Peter contemplated this for a moment and said, "Actually Lois, judging by the context of the holy bible, it's pretty obvious that most Christian events started in northern Africa. I submit to you that since pine trees aren't even native to the African suburb that they couldn't possibly be related or even have been in the presence of Jesus at the time of his birth. If we were to celebrate around a tree at all I think it would be more suitable if the tree were of an African genus."
Everyone stared at him for about twenty minutes. Then peter suddenly snapped out of it.
"Sorry," he said, "I just got done reading Guns, Germs, and Steel. 500 pages of why the Europeans had the advantage over native peoples. An ingenious read but definitely not for the feeble minded."
"Tell me about it," said Butty, "I kept falling asleep!"
"Well," said Lois, "I guess this'll have to do."
"Oh, so that's how it is!" said peter angrily. "then I guess I'll just take my tree and leave!"
He took the tree and walked out.
Peter walked to the middle of the town square and set the tree down gloomily.
"Well Butty," he said sadly, "Looks like it's just you and me this Christmas."
Then without any noise all the townspeople slowly walked in and surrounded the tree.
"What's this?" asked peter surprised.
"You were right peter. Christmas isn't about flash and pizzazz. It's about being with the people you love and the people the law requires you to love."
"I never said any of that but okay!"
Everyone in turn put their own special ornament on the tree slowly making it the best tree ever. They put lights on, and hangers, and bomboodles, and zapzoodles and… wait a minute these aren't even real things! What the hell is Dr. Seuss on? I gotta get me some of that!
"Peter that's an awful lot of lights. Won't it catch fire?" Asked Lois, Now apparently caring for the tree.
"No, It won't unless you put on like 5000 lights. I saw it on Mythbusters." Said peter.
"Oh! That's a good show."
And everyone nodded silently. It was, indeed, a good show.
Then, without saying a thing, they all joined hands and formed a big circle. It took a while to get the Cleveland to hold Bruce's hand, especially because he kept asking to play "find the nickel", but eventually they were a joined mass of happiness.
Up in the tree, Bertram was completely dumbfounded.
"What? How could they still have a good Christmas? How? I thought these losers depended solely on cheap renewable entertainment to be happy! I didn't think that they'd learn a life lesson!"
And then Bertram thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe, just maybe, Christmas doesn't come from a store.
Maybe it means a little bit more."
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through
And Bertram gained the strength of ten Bertram's! Plus two.
Unfortunately, his muscle systems had to compensate so he lost all of his balance.
He fell off the tree and landed right by the Christmas tree everyone had decorated. He probably broke something but he didn't care. Now, all he wanted was to be with these people. These people who knew the true meaning of Christmas.
He stood up and joined them. Then, as if on cue, everyone started humming "holy night".
Slowly fade to black with perhaps a sleigh flying through the air in the background. Yeah. That looks good. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
I don't really have anything to say. Since you weren't very good (that's right, I saw that.) I won't be saying anything about anybody. Good day! I said Good Day!