Disclaimer: Yes, I do not own Full Metal Panic. Though in my dreams, I'd like to pretend I do.
Summary: (Spoiler Warning) Her mouth stopped near his ear, and whispered ever so softly, much like the same way she did the last time Sousuke allowed her to cut his hair. "You can't protect me forever, Sousuke." (SousukeKaname)
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Save Me
Chapter 10 : Redemption
By makka na yuki
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Tell me… Would you have done everything to bring me back?
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"Thank you. You've done a very good job… Kaname"
It was not real.
They were all just ganging up on him, and lying to his face. What else could explain everything that has happened up until this moment? It was already complicated as it is – Kaname joined forces with the enemy, and he was here to save her and bring her back to her senses. Mind control, threats or bribery – every single justification as to why she went to the other side was acceptable.
But not this. Never this. Who could he blame now? To think that she entered this kind of world – the very same one he had worked so hard to prevent her from knowing – willingly and in her own accord was crazy.
She was crazy.
The other occupants in the room seemed to have forgotten about him as they continued on with their conversation.
"Yes, I found it suspicious as well that they let me leave just like that." The blue-haired girl said, recalling her recent endeavor while in enemy hands. True, she had a difficult time planning her escape - stealing bomb parts and learning where to actually detonate it had not been simple – but everything seemed to go perfectly after that.
It was really too suspicious.
"Especially since you carried a microchip of the latest data regarding the new Arm Slave" Tessa replied while examining the said chip on her hands. Kaname had stolen the important data before she bombed the laboratory. That way, they could ensure that the enemy would not be able to use the new technology against them again. The prototype had self-detonated – her brother should really stop blowing up things like that – and the creation of a new one would surely take up more than a few months. It would at least give Mithril time to prepare. Amalgam surely would not stay quiet after this. "It was a good thing that agent Wraith found you first"
The undercover agent laughed, "I was surprised that Ms. Chidori recognized me at all." Wraith then frowned before continuing with her report, "Sergeant Sagara reported that he had encountered Gauron on the way back to the base," she said grimly, To think that the bastard was still alive. "There is a big possibility that they have plans as to why they allowed her to escape. On the other hand, it is also likely that they simply made a mistake somewhere along the line."
Tessa nodded. She turned her head back to the blue-haired girl, "Do you think anyone would have helped you escape?"
"No" Kaname replied immediately. She really didn't have to think about it. The scientists, staff, and technicians - everyone in the enemy base was just being polite to her because of Leonard's orders. But she knew that they harbored ill feelings towards her for making the experiment last too long, "I set the bomb by myself. No one could have predicted when it would explode. And I was not exactly popular back there."
"Hmmm, you seem to be quite adept with those kinds of weapons, huh Ms. Chidori?" Wraith commented scratching her chin. The young girl was always full of surprises.
Kaname stuck her tongue out at the undercover agent, clearly understanding what she was pointing out, "Ordering me to bomb Sousuke's apartment before was actually helpful, in a way. I understood the detonation process perfectly."
"Well, given your knowledge, it's no surprise you pick up on those things quickly" Wraith replied, her eyes darting towards the silent man in the room, "Speaking of a certain apartment-owner…"
All pairs of eyes looked at him, and Sousuke could only blink in response. What was he supposed to say…? Everything was starting to make sense… and yet, the situation still confused the hell out of him. Why was he the only one who didn't know? He was the closest Mithril agent to her, knowing everything about her lifestyle and attitude. Did six months of being away changed things so much? Was someone out there punishing him for leaving the person he promised to protect?
Kaname sensed the tension building inside the young sergeant, "Sousuke" she started, "Maybe I should explain-"
Sousuke cut in before she could finish, "Commander" he saluted, not wanting to hear anything more from the long-haired girl. He needed to organize his thoughts, lest he do something that he would be guilty of. Heaven knows he already can't take any more mistakes, "May I be excused? I will start working on the report regarding the latest mission."
Tessa looked at Kaname, before nodding sadly at the young boy, "Permission to leave granted, Sergeant. I expect that report before the end of the day." The silver-haired girl thought it best that Sousuke focus on work at the moment. It was clear he wasn't ready to hear them out. She watched the brown-haired boy leave the room.
"I apologize, Chidori," the young commander said softly, "Maybe we should have told him about this…"
Kaname shook her head before smiling, "It's alright Tessa. I was the one who asked you not to say anything to him."
"You should go talk to him soon Ms. Chidori," Wraith interjected. Everyone in the Tuatha knew how devastated Sousuke was when Kaname was captured by the enemy.
The blue-haired girl nodded in reply. She would stop being selfish and tell Sousuke everything that happened when he was away. Kaname thought she at least owed him that. It seems keeping this secret from him did nothing to help their situation. She would face him and give all the information she is allowed to release.
If only he would look at her again.
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Kaname opened her eyes and stared at the dark ceiling. She didn't have problems sleeping before in the Tuatha de Danaan, but the guilt gnawing at her insides did nothing to ease the tension in her heart. Her eyes darted towards the digital clock at the side of her bed, the blinking red numbers denoting that it would be long before the sun would rise.
The blue-haired girl climbed out of bed and stretched. Since she wouldn't be able to sleep, she might as well try to relax by going around the submarine. The underwater vessel definitely had a different feel compared to that of Leonard's submarine. This place had been her home, and it still carried the warmth that she so dearly missed.
Kaname fixed her hair and clothing before stepping outside the almost deserted hallways. She sighed, knowing full well that only a few people would be awake at this hour, but she hoped for some kind of companion at least.
She takes a step forward, not really planning any destination in mind. Kaname closes her eyes and let's her thoughts wander to a time almost a year back when her life changed.
"He has a mission in China. We will permit you see him but we need something of yours in return."
It was naïve of her to think that they would not expect anything from her for what she was asking. China was in the middle of conflict back then. Of course, it won't be easy to send a civilian like her into the country just for some personal agenda.
"You want money? Of course I don't have that!" Kaname had screamed indignantly. She smiled at the memory of her rashness. That never did her any good.
The blue-haired girl remembered the look on Wraith's face back then. She had forced the undercover agent to introduce her to the higher-ups so that she would be able to see Sousuke. It was evident now what trouble she had caused her new friend.
Wraith looked uncomfortable, even with her mask on. Her eyes darted between the long-haired girl and the man in the suit. The male officer adjusted his glasses before continuing, "Leonard Testarossa has developed a rather strange interest for you."
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"Work for him. And for us as well."
"A double agent…?"
What could she say to that? Given the present situation, her answer had obviously been an affirmation. But she had not been thinking clearly at that moment – the consequences of her actions did not seem so important back then. Seeing Sousuke was her priority, and she was going to do everything to make that happen.
But she wasn't totally stupid, Kaname snorted at the thought. She knew at the very least what she was getting into – the risks of being a double agent was easy to comprehend.
Every moment was simply a life and death situation.
Kaname wasn't some masochist – hell she hated pain even if she unconsciously whacks people with her paper fan. But Sousuke leaving for war and not mentioning it to her made her realize many important things. There was another life aside from hers – something more dangerous and vile than she could ever imagine. And that's the life that Sousuke, Mao, Kurz, Tessa and her other new-found friends have known all their lives.
It wasn't fair that she was the only one that's different.
"Well, I don't exactly envy their lives," Kaname tells herself. She wrinkled her nose at the idea of actually loving war and death. "But it's just not logical that I be shunned from their world when they were the ones who were doing everything to keep me from harm."
"There's an irony there, if you think about it," a voice disrupted her musings. Kaname turned around to see Kalinin smiling at her. She didn't notice she had spoken out loud.
"Good morning, Kalinin-san. I didn't think you would be awake at this hour."
"I'm a light sleeper. And I couldn't just leave a young girl alone in this big boring submarine. May I invite you for a cup of coffee, and maybe some breakfast?"
Kaname laughed at the invitation, remembering the good old days when she was forced to suffer under the old man's cooking. "The coffee would be most welcome," she replied grinning.
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Kaname enjoyed the aroma of the hot drink before taking a small sip.
"You have something you needed to ask," Kalinin said, breaking the silence. It was more of a statement than a question, and Kaname wondered how she ever survived this far when she was so transparent with her thoughts.
The blue-haired girl stared at her cup for a moment before answering the old man's question in front of her, "Did I do the right thing? Should I have told him the truth?"
He did not pause. "It is not your obligation. He wouldn't have understood"
In a way, she expected that kind of answer. But will her relationship with Sousuke all just come down to this? An obligation? They were friends, and even up 'til now she thought of him like that. "He is still my protector"
Again, Kalinin answered without hesitation. "He wouldn't be, if he wasn't ordered to"
Kaname cringed. There it was again – obligation, duty, orders… "You wouldn't know that."
"I actually do. In fact, if I remember correctly, he didn't exactly have any hesitations when he left you to go to China more than a half a year ago"
Kaname's eyes darkened at the memory.
"And," the old man continued, "he also did not carry any doubts about staying there and leaving you behind."
Despite the negative feelings swirling inside her, Kaname gave out a small laugh. "I'm surprised you're not exactly defending him."
Kalinin leaned back on his chair, arms crossed, "I'm simply telling the truth. I think that's what's important for our situation."
The truth, huh? Kaname thought. If she had been truthful to Sousuke from the start, would anything have changed? No, the blue-haired girl answered to herself. Sousuke would do everything to stop her, but she still would have continued on with the mission. On the other hand, Kaname pondered, maybe his sense of duty would stop him from actually doing anything. The long-haired girl's eyes narrowed. She was starting to hate that word. But it was true. It wasn't her duty to tell anyone about her secret mission – much less someone who wasn't present at that time. And it was his duty to continue with his own line of work, and leave her be.
Kaname sighed. When did it all start? A few months ago, when he came back from his mission… should she have done something else?
She looked at the old man in front of her, who was waiting patiently for her to continue, "You knew the enemy was monitoring me when I went to my apartment. Why did you let him come back to me?"
It was coincidentally the worst time for them to meet. They didn't know she was ordered to plant a bomb in his apartmet – in the same way she didn't know he would come back so soon.
"You still needed to be protected even when you are pretending to live your civilian life. Him catching you and finding out... wasn't part of the plan"
Ironically, Gauron mentioned the same thing
Kaname couldn't control her outburst, "You endangered his life!" And she instantly regretted her words. In their world, everyone was prepared to die for the organization's purpose. And Kaname understands perfectly the ghosts that haunt those in positions of authority. Just like Tessa and Kalinin, the higher-ups would have to live with the idea that they have sent countless people to their graves.
Kalinin replied before she could apologize, "You looked like you needed a reason to live"
This old guy was so funny that she could almost cry.
Kalinin continued, "He came back for you, even though he wasn't obligated to. And you couldn't understand that fact - not back then when you let yourself get captured by him, and not right now."
Kaname took another sip of drink, not really noticing how cold it has become. She smiled sadly, "You're wrong in that account."
The old man raised an eyebrow, "So why do you hesitate? Why not talk to him?"
"It's too early…"
"The Kaname I knew wouldn't have been stopped by that. If you say you understand him, then speak to him now and tell him what he wants to know."
"It's because I understand completely that I don't want him to be concerned about me anymore. After I joined Mithril, I was so sure he wouldn't be endangered anymore because of me."
Kaname remembered the words she spoke only a few moments before. Although the man in front of her said that she was wrong in saying this, it doesn't change the fact that she meant every word.
"But it's just not logical that I be shunned from their world when they were the ones who were doing everything to keep me from harm."
Kalinin seemed to have read her line of thought, "You spoke of the reason why you accepted the Intelligence Division's offer, but that is not the whole story, is it?
The blue-haired girl grinned, she really couldn't hide anything from this old man, "You're right. I may have other reasons… but they may seem unreasonable."
Kalinin frowned, "I know of your hatred towards the Commander's brother."
Kaname smiled once again at the label. Only Kalinin understood how his name was enough to send shivers down her spine. It has always been the case after that fateful rainy night.
Kalinin stood up to bring the cups to the sink. He paused for a moment, back turned to her, before breaking the silence, "It is not exactly unreasonable."
Kaname remembered the feeling of helplessness as she stared at the unmoving form of her attacker. The silver-haired man's eyes did not even hold any remorse after he ordered his miniature AS to kill the female agent. She remembers the feeling of relief that came when she knew that the threat was gone… and she hated herself for it. "You say that, and yet I'm sure you do not approve of the idea of revenge."
The old man turned on the faucet, "That is correct." He continues to wash the cups, pausing for a moment before drying them and placing them back on the shelf. He turns and leans on the counter while looking at the blue-haired girl. Truthfully, though revenge was not enough of a reason to start a war, Kalinin has witnessed countless innocent deaths because of it. The human mind, when clouded with such negative emotions, can become so corrupt that their actions could not be considered normal anymore. He could only pray that the girl in front of him would never know of such reality.
"But this is not revenge we are talking about." He finally answered, "You do not blame him."
Kaname looked down at the floor, trying to control her emotions. It was true. She did not agree to become a double agent so she could get back at silver-haired man. It was never about revenge. Her true feelings were clear the moment she was left standing in the rain, trying to pull the paralyzed Wraith towards the hospital. Kaname remembered mentioning it to a certain brown-haired sergeant that last time they met.
"We can help."
She shook her head.
"It's already too late. This is my repentance."
It was all about personal redemption. Kaname realized that she was being selfish again in that aspect. "There was no other way…"
Kalinin walked back to sit on the couch in front of her, "You thought endangering yourself was the solution."
Kaname's eyes flashed with conviction, "I believe that I should have died in her place."
The old man raised an eyebrow at her words, "She was a soldier and she knew that death is inevitable in her line of work. You were her target. You should be thankful that you lived."
"I know," Kaname loved life more than anything, "I know" she repeated. But knowing did not help in relieving her of the pain.
"Let's put it this way," Kalinin began, leaning closer and making sure he made eye contact, "if he did not order her to be killed, I would have done so."
And this was it. This was the world she entered. She knew of the injustices, yet still wasn't prepared for it.Kaname buried her face in her hands, willing that the tears would not fall. Her eyes stayed dry, surprisingly. How much has she changed?
Kalinin's eyes softened. He knew all these was hard, especially for a young girl like Kaname, who only knew of the horrors for such a short time, "We care for you Ms. Chidori. We would have done everything to protect you from this life. Do you understand?"
Yes. Yes, she finally understood.
And inspite of this, she did not know how to atone for her mistakes.
Fate was surely laughing at her now
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Tell me… Would you stop me from fighting for you?
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Author's Note: Less action. More talk. Yeah. Next chapter: Sousuke and Kaname finally gets the chance to talk.