This is where the plot splits off in two and starts to make even less sense than it did already haha anyway I hope you enjoy it
"Brothers," Rei began looking around at the cluster of vampires that had gathered. They were standing in a small clearing in, what looked like, a graveyard. Rei standing at the front behind two slightly raised tombs. Izumi and Abby were tied to one each with Rei in the middle of them. "a moment that his infested our dreams and our desires for what seems like an eternity is finally upon us."
"This doesn't sound good." Izumi muttered.
"For this night," Rei continued. "the last of the Baron's bloodline shall fall and our King shall rise again."
"The Vampire King?" Izumi asked. Rei glared down at him. "Sorry." he said. "Carry on."
"So his blood mixed with the blood of one who has never known the touch of a woman – even if they are a woman – will bring him back?" Abby asked. Rei chuckled and gave her hair a gentle stroke.
"You know a lot, pretty one," he stated. "and normally that would be the case but as my dear Izumi is a virgin killing you is just an added bonus."
"Wonderful..." Abby muttered.
"Soon it will begin." Rei stated turning to the vampires again.
"I've heard of the Vampire King and the prophecy but I've never heard of you." Abby told him. "Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books. Who are you anyway?"
"He's my butler." Izumi told her.
"You have a butler?"
"Sort of." Izumi replied.
"Well," Rei cut their conversation short, the irritation clear in his voice. "soon our King will know of you. And with his resurrection this land will be ensnared forever in the dawn of the Red Moon."
"Shit." Izumi muttered.
"These are your final moments on earth Izumi." Rei smirked. "Any last words?"
"Fan fucking tastic..." Izumi groaned.
"This is the final resting place of the Baron and your friend's great ancestor." the Vicar said as he pushed open the gates to a private graveyard and mausoleum.
"I'm am still so confused by this." Jess muttered.
"I understand that it is a lot to take in in a single night." the Vicar stated.
"I really don't think you do." Jess replied. She sighed, she really couldn't be bothered to explain the numerous plot-holes in this man's story and just might as well go along with it. "So Izumi's the reason I've ended up in this shit-hole?"
"He is our salvation and our only hope." the Vicar replied as he pulled ivy leaves and vines off the largest tomb Jess could see. "The prophesy foretold of when the last of the Baron's bloodline would return. When his blood mixed with the blood of one who has never known the touch of a woman then the Vampire King will be resurrected and walk this earth once more."
"Oh!" Jess exclaimed. "I'm alright then."
"What?"
"You said one who has never known the touch of a woman."
"It can still be a woman." the Vicar told her.
"I'm still alright then." Jess replied. The Vicar stared at her for a minute before shaking his head and continuing.
"Concealed within this tomb is the weapon that can slay the beast forever: The Sword of Daeldo." he told her.
"And what, in the name of all that is holy, is that?" Jess asked.
"Daeldo, the god of lust." the Vicar explained. "Said to be the Vampire King's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades. A hideous multi-tentacled beast."
"Seen enough hentai to know where this is going." Jess grinned.
"What?"
"Nothing." she shook her head. "Carry on."
"Daeldo was the only beast brave enough to have tried to penetrate the Vampire King's vilest depths and paid for it with his life." the Vicar finished.
"Let me get this straight," Jess said, processing what the Vicar had just told her. "your plan is to wait for this dick to be resurrected, stake him with the sword, of what sounded like Dildo, thus rescuing my friend, curing your son, ending the curse and saving the planet?"
"Exactly." the Vicar replied. "So are you with me?"
"Not really but I haven't got much fucking choice, have I?" Jess replied. The Vicar opened his mouth to say something but a bell began to toll from the church clock tower. He handed Jess the crowbar he had been carrying.
"You do this." he told her. "I need to go and check on my Richard."
"What?" Jess spluttered. "Now I've got to go and unearth a corpse?"
"Concealed within this tomb is..." the Vicar began but Jess waved him off.
"Yeah yeah alright, spare me the monologues." she said as she jammed the crowbar underneath the tomb's stone cover and thrust all her weight into it. "This is officially the worst holiday ever!"