10. If I Could Only Find A Rock To Cling To

Effy

I had seen it coming for days. Hovering over us like a dark cloud that was threatening to release a torrent of rain. You didn't even have to have special visionary powers to see that one coming. I am amazed she had managed to restrain herself this long. It must have been killing her. But bless her she had kept quiet for my sake, watching me as she always did, making sure I was ok, always putting my needs before her own. But finally the pressure had just gotten too much, and the unspoken question that had been plaguing her ever since that night at Glastonbury forced its way onto her lips.

"So," said Anthea cautiously. "What's going on with you and Katie?"

Good question, Anthea, good question.

"We're friends," I replied coolly.

Anthea merely raised her eyebrows at me and waited for me to 'fess up. One disadvantage of having your mother save you from suicide and see you through the depths of madness, there was no fooling her. She knew everything about me. When I was young she used to run from me, too scared of what she might find if she looked too closely, but now she wanted to know every bit of me, even my fears and my darkest nightmares. She never gave up hope for me, always optimistic that someday we would find some way for me to have a happy life. Even when my own cynicism scoffed at such possibilities, Anthea never stopped trying. After all her dedication, she at least deserved the truth.

The problem was how to determine the truth. I was still so confused after the turbulence of the last week. It was hard to tell apart the things that resonated in the small confines of general purpose reality and those that found their home in the more liberal parameters of Effyland.

Things I knew for certain.

Katie Fitch is a Goddess in human form.

She makes me feel things I never thought I'd be able to feel again

Her presence is actively changing my life for the better

I can be stronger when she is around

She cares about me

She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen

I love her

Things that might prove a little bit more difficult for others to accept

She can fly

She has the ability to fight demons

She is my personal angel sent here to protect me from the darkness

Sometimes she glows

She loves me as much as I love her and she will never leave me

She kissed me

She kissed me

She kissed me

.

.

"Still with us, sweetheart?" asked Anthea gently, stroking my hair affectionately. I knew she would give me all the time I needed. She might be a bit of a fearsome tyrant in her work, but when it came to me she had the patience of a saint. She was going to need it. For me to explain me and Katie to her I was going to have to understand it myself. One thing above all others was absolutely vital, I had to convince Anthea to let me rejoin Circus Abandon when Katie and Emily came back from their corporate gig in Dubai. There was no fucking way I could live without my angel.

When I woke in her arms that Monday morning in Glastonbury, it was probably the happiest moment of my life. I was all wrapped up in Fitch, and this time it was the right Fitch. The smell of her, the heat of her body washing over me, the feel of her soft skin next to mine. It was fucking paradise. She had come to rescue me from the darkness, and taken me back to heaven. Ok, so a four berth beige coloured caravan in a noisy field in Somerset might not be everyone's idea of heaven, but for me anywhere would be heaven with Katie Fitch. I stayed as till as I could as I waited to find out which form of consciousness I was returning to, praying it would be one where she wouldn't get up and abandon me. If I could just stay in her embrace a little while longer every thing would be all right. Slowly the events of the night before came creeping back to me. My mum and the trapeze boy, finding paradise, kissing Amy, the pill. Shit, Amy. She was hot, she was charming, and she was very, very fuckable so why did my heart shrink when I thought about her? I enjoyed it, I know I enjoyed it at the time. In my head it made perfect sense. I should just fuck other people for pleasure, and get to keep my friendship with Katie intact. But my heart was crying at what I'd done. I felt like I had betrayed my Katie, and what was worse was I think I'd told her about it.

I lay there paralysed, needing the contact with Katie too much to risk moving and waking her, as I forced my weary brain to try to remember what happened after that. The recollection simultaneously freaked me out and gave me hope. I had recognised the symptoms of the ket pretty much as soon as they had hit me, and I had a fairly good idea of where I was headed, but somehow I had managed to keep some sense of detachment from the delusions that I knew would follow. I had forced my heavy limbs to drag me towards home, and even after I felt that the earth was trying to swallow me, I somehow found the strength to fight it. I held out for as long as I could, the image of my beautiful saviour providing a counterbalance for my fear, but eventually the pull of the storm became to strong for me. I still have no fucking idea how I got up that fucking sculpture when moments before I could barely fucking walk, but somewhere in the back of my head was the thought that if I could only find a rock to cling to, then lifeboat Katie would come and find me before I was swept away completely.

When I was hiding in that car, I closed down all my thoughts into one single magnificent perception. Katie. Katie. Katie. Fuck knows how long it was but it seemed like only moments before suddenly she was there, holding out her arms for me to run to. It was then that I experienced the strangest of sensations as multiple realities began to play themselves out before me. I knew that the earth was trying to eat me, but I also know that I had just taken a dodgy pill. I knew that Katie was just a girl who was trying to be kind to me, but I also knew that she was fucking superhuman. It was as if delusion and reality were co-existing in different halves of my brain. Had I just become a little bit crazier, or a little bit more sane? Blazing through both realities was a single unifying force, and either way she was going to save my skinny mental ass whether I deserved it or not.

I felt Katie stirring and knew there was no way to postpone the inevitable. She was lying on her back with her arm around me and I was curled right into her, our legs and hair entwined in a delicious tangle of precious connection. Much to my surprise she didn't pull away as she awoke, but continued to let me savour the embrace.

"Anyone else in there?" she asked me sleepily in what was fast becoming our private ritual.

"Only you and me, babe," I assured her.

"That's a relief," she grinned. "I wasn't really planning on a gangbang."

The sound of my uncontrollable laughter woke Anthea from her slumbers. Even half asleep, Katie's sarcastic humour was razor sharp. Perhaps this was why she kept me coming back for her, Katie's reality was simply so much more attractive than any other.

The rest of the day mostly consisted of drinking tea and watching the deconstruction of our tent from the safety of the caravan window, whilst Katie read next to me. She had gone out to help with tent down, after assuring me she wouldn't stray from earshot, only to be sent back moments later by Naomi telling her to stay and look after me. Katie let me have my silence, allowing me to bask in her comforting presence without bombarding me with questions. Every so often she would touch me lightly, her hand grazing my arm, my back or my shoulder offering me quiet reassurance. I tried to imagine the times when I was terrified of her, but found that I couldn't even remember what that felt like. Now her presence was my harbour. Her strength was nothing but a beautiful cosmic force radiating energy just for me. I loved the way she understood me, how she always seemed to know just what I needed, and how she freely gave so generously of herself. No wonder I was fucking falling in love with her.

One by one the others had come in to see me, keen to check if I was ok, but also wary of tiring me out. Even Freddie, bless him, who was clearly still very scared of Katie, and remembering they way they cared reminded me just how important it was that I could find my way back to them. The first stage was being totally honest with Anthea. She would be able to tell if I was faking it.

"I love her," I stated in reply to Anthea's earlier question.

"And does she feel the same way about you?" asked my mum.

"She cares about me,"

"But you want more?"

"I can't want more," I sighed. "Katie's the most heterosexual girl on the planet. She's already told me she will never fall in love with me. It's better this way. What she gives me is way too precious to fuck it up with sex."

"What does she give you?"

"Peace," I said gratefully. "She's stronger than the voices. It's quieter when she's around."

"Does she scare them into submission?" laughed Anthea.

"Something like that," I giggled.

Anthea stubbed out her fag, and folded me into a warm maternal embrace.

"Be careful, sweetheart," she told me. "I don't want to see you get hurt."

"She would never hurt me," I said confidently.

"Maybe not on purpose, Effy," countered Anthea. "But she's a good looking girl. She's going to meet someone sometime, and that's bound to affect things between you."

"I know," I said trying to appear grown up and sensible, and to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest that that very thought engendered. Ironically, if anyone could teach me how to be strong enough to handle it, it would be Katie herself. I smiled at the paradox, and decided to gain revenge on my mother.

"So what about you and David?" I asked her.

"Fuck, he's sexy," smirked Anthea. "And it was all going swimmingly until someone decided to swallow horse tranquilisers and have an episode."

I knew she was teasing me fondly, taking the piss to let me know it was alright, but I still felt guilty for cockblocking my Mum, cause she was right. He was ridiculously sexy.

"I'm sorry for fucking up your life," I said, putting far more meaning into it than just the loss of a casual shag.

"Like I've never fucked up yours," she said lovingly, kissing me on the forehead.

She left it at that. We had made a pact not to speak about how guilty she felt about not being there for me the first time I was heading into madness. I had assured her time and again that she had more than made up for it since given that she had saved my life. Twice.

"Besides," she grinned, "I've got his number. Their show is coming to London next month and that boy is going to get a right royal seeing to."

Have I ever mentioned that my mother's a fucking legend?

.

.

.

Three days later and I was skipping round the departure lounge at Heathrow like a demented puppy. Yes, I Effy Stonem, queen of cool openly giving off more emotion than backstage at an X Factor Saturday Night sing-off. Katie had phoned me several times from Dubai and had happily talked at me for ages despite my protestations at the cost. She said money didn't matter where I was concerned, and she seemed genuinely overjoyed when I told her Anthea had given me the all clear to join them at the next Abandon gig in Scotland. I had decided not to worry about being careful that day, and just allow myself to be happy to see her. And I was fucking excited about the thought of seeing her. I had made Anthea drive me to the airport ridiculously early, and I had forced her to leave me so I could go through security to where I could meet Naomi and Emily coming through from their transfer. It was stupid, I know. It wasn't like their plane was going to get there early, but I can't remember ever having this much energy and enthusiasm for something coursing through my veins since before I went into hospital, and there was simply no containing it.

If I ruled the world, airports would be filled with chill out rooms awash with cushions. There would be mood lighting and places to sleep and get a shiatsu. Somewhere you could go and smoke a spliff in peace, and a way to get outside and have some fresh air. The cafes would sell delicious home-cooked food, and there would be loads of places to charge your phone. Wireless internet would be free, and instead of the hard cold seating there would be soft comfy sofas for you to lounge on whilst you checked your emails or dicked about on Facebook. Everything about the place would be set up to help you relax whilst you waited for your onward journey. But this wasn't Effyland and I was stuck with harsh glaring lighting and temples to retail indulgence in which to pass my time. The lack of smoking opportunities was making me edgy, and I succumbed to the temptation of the shops. Most of it was useless crap I wouldn't want in my life, but as I found my eyes drifting over the gossip magazines I would never normally give a second glance to, found myself buying a couple for Katie as I knew she liked them so much. I could see her image in my mind's eye, flicking idly through some article on why so and so couldn't keep a man.

"Everyone needs a way to switch their brain off from the cares of the day," she had said to me one day. "You should try it."

Well now I had a sure fire way to leave all my troubles behind. I would empty my mind of everything but Katie Fitch. I wandered around the stores some more until I found myself in a jewellery section. Most of it was too hideous to contemplate, but then I noticed a beautiful delicate white gold chain with a pendant in the shape of a Moebius strip. It was simple, elegant and gorgeous and I knew in an instant that I wanted her to have it. I looked at the not insignificant price. Was it too much? Would it send out the wrong signals? Fuck it, I didn't care. Without Katie I'd probably be back on the funny farm by now. She deserved it. Even the infinity symbol seemed appropriate, because I never wanted to lose her from my life.

Forty-five minutes later I heard my name being squealed in a high pitched voice, and turned round to see Katie clattering towards me in a pair of ridiculous (but extremely sexy) shoes, the sound of her heels resonating throughout the whole terminal, whilst Emily trailed along behind. For a moment I had a vision of the pair of them in their early teenage years, Katie demanding all the attention and Emily following along in her shadow. But all thoughts of Emily were swept aside as Katie launched herself at me and enveloped me in a huge hug. I've never been that much of a hugger, but with Katie you don't exactly get much choice. Once a Fitch sets her sights on you, you are doomed.

"How are you doing, babes?" she said, releasing me from the titanic embrace just enough so she could look me in the eyes.

"Pretty much mostly in the here and now," I told her, adrenalin washing over me in waves. I hadn't realised just how much I had missed her touch.

We grabbed takeaway coffees and headed of towards our gate. Katie calmed down pretty quickly and was happy just to sit next to me, flicking through the magazines I'd got her, and chatting away about Dubai at the same time, but Emily was agitated and restless alternating between pacing up and down and then staring out the window at the planes, her face glued to the glass.

"Emily seems jumpy," I observed.

"That's cause she's got chillies in her pants," smirked Katie. "You should have seen her in Dubai, all pining and moping like a lovesick schoolgirl. You'd think she'd never been in love before."

"For Shayna?" I posed, even though I knew it wasn't true.

"Yeah right," scoffed Katie, instantly seeing through my charade. "Shayna got dumped the night we got back to your mum's after Glasto. She turned up at the airport next morning trying to get Em's back, but Ems told her where to shove it, thank God. She wouldn't let me smack her one though, I really wanted to after the things she said about you."

"Yeah well, I think my mum had that one covered," I laughed. I sniggered at the thought of how two such fearsome women had become my self-appointed bodyguards, ready to jump into action at the merest hint of a slight against my character. I just wished I could find a way to repay them for such spectacular devotion. The only way I could think of was to stop being such a useless fuck and try and get my life back. Emily was drumming her fingers against the window pane, oblivious to the dirty looks she was getting from the other passengers. Her eyes were glued to our plane, as if she were trying to bend space and time with only the power of her mind, and make it ready for boarding right now. I could hardly blame her, she was blazing. The heat of her sun was scorching away at fifteen million degrees, and the gravitational force pulling her towards her partner was powerful enough to crush a lesser being. Even from five hundred miles away I could feel Naomi dragging Emily relentlessly into her orbit. Not long now.

"About fucking time," Emily grumbled as they started to announce the boarding and we stood up and gathered our things. The twins had seats together whilst mine was further down the plane, but Emily offered hers up to me so I could be with Katie.

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

"I've just spent a week shacked up in a hotel room with her," she replied. "I do love her, but enough is enough. I don't think I can take much more of that stupid grin. I'm not used to seeing Katie this happy."

I suffered an infestation of butterflies at the thought that 'that stupid grin' might have something to do with me. Katie held my hand throughout take off.

"I just fucking love this bit," she smiled at me. "I just love the speed of it and the G-force. No matter how much I travel, it never gets old."

I could say the same thing about you, I thought. Being round Katie was like being in a permanent state of take off. The speed, the G-force, the thrill. Without thinking I whipped out the present I'd bought her.

"I got you something," I said, nervously handing over the gift wrapped package. "I just saw it and it made me think of you."

Katie's eyes lit up as she took the gift. I felt suddenly stupid. She was probably well used to guys buying her expensive stuff to try to win her over. This probably wasn't that special to her at all.

"Oh my God, Eff," she exclaimed, as she picked the necklace out of the box. "It's fucking beautiful. Fuck me, this is fucking amazing. Thank you, babes, though I don't know what I've done to deserve it."

I found myself growing embarrassed at her effusive gratitude, and tried to play down its significance, even though my heart was screaming 'Of course you deserve it. You deserve it just for being fucking you.'

"Well, you know, I was just browsing and I saw it and that," I mumbled.

"I love it," said Katie, fixing the chain around her neck.

She reached down under the seat in front and rescued her handbag.

"Good job I brought you something back from Dubai then," she smirked.

She handed me a small bag that looked like it came from an expensive store.

"For me?" I said incredulously.

"No, for fucking kilt man," she said sarcastically. "Of course it's for you, dumbass."

I pulled an object wrapped in tissue from the back and began to unwrap it. It was an amazing silver bracelet formed from the figures of two sleeping angels. The craftsmanship was incredible, and I turned it over and over in my hands, marvelling at the detail.

"Now even when I can't be there, you'll know I'm always with you," smiled Katie.

"It's wonderful," I stuttered. "And perfect. Where did you find such a thing?"

"Hmmm, let's think," said Katie. "Where have I been? Swindon on a wet Monday afternoon? No. An Antarctic expedition with nothing around me but a thousand miles of ice? No. Dubai, shopping capital of the Middle East? Ah yes, that must be it."

"Fuck you, Katie Fitch," I smirked at her, secretly loving her for cutting through the emotion of the moment and giving me an out.

"Fuck you right back, Stonem," said Katie.

"You wouldn't know where to start," I teased her.

"You wouldn't know how to stop," she countered quickly. Fuck, she's sharp. All I could do was fix her with one of my special looks.

"I've told you, the Death Glare doesn't work on me Madame Mystery," she scoffed. "I can see right through you."

God, I hope not. Otherwise she would be able to see just how right she was. Even if I ever got just the slightest chance to be with her, I wouldn't know how to stop.