Again, there should probably be a trigger warning on this.
Rachel knew it was coming before she felt his grip on her shoulder. She had expected it since Finn had cornered her after Glee and asked if she was okay, because if Finn had heard, Puck would have heard too and unlike the others, he would have guessed exactly what happened. Not that Rachel had ever actually admitted it to him, but he knew. She was just glad he hadn't seen her scars, and he'd never actually caught her in the act, because that way she could pretend to herself that it was still entirely hers.
But when Puck grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face him before she could leave the English classroom, she knew that illusion was about to be shattered. He was glaring at her even more angrily than he had done when he had heard her sing. She felt his fingers dig even deeper into her shoulder blade, holding her back until the last person had left the classroom, shooting an 'oi oi' in the direction of Puck and Rachel. That was, until they were silenced by a dark look from Puck.
"What are you doing?" He demanded, as soon as the classroom was empty.
"I could ask you the same question," Rachel shot back, wrenching herself free. She took a step backwards, away from him, but didn't make a run for the door like he had been expecting her to.
"I want to know why someone who's meant to be on for straight As can be so stupid!"
Rachel had been expecting his anger, and she was ready for it. It had taken a lot of thought to decide how to react when he did confront her, as she knew he would, Noah was not like Finn. If he had something to say, he would say it. There was no beating around the bush for him, and a part of Rachel was grateful for it. At least that meant she could get the conversation over and done with and react with some anger of her own. It was so much easier to be defensive with someone who was mad at you than someone who could barely get their own words out.
"I don't know what you're talking about Noah," she said, innocently, but with an edge to her voice that warned him not to push it. Not that it made any difference. Noah had never been afraid of her like Finn was, if it was him confronting her, he would already be thinking about backing down from the brewing argument.
"Bullshit. Kurt told me about your 'accident'. Now you've landed yourself in hospital, what's the next part? You gonna kill yourself?" Rachel flinched, she wanted to run from his words, be anywhere other than there. Even Finn's company would be preferable, but she could not find it in herself to run. Her feet wouldn't take her, and he'd probably catch her anyway.
"I can firmly assure you, Noah, that suicide is not on my agenda. Now as soon as you're done flinging misguided stereotypes at me, I have a lesson to attend." She did try and walk away then, but Puck's hand shot out and grabbed her once again before she could take anymore than one step towards the door.
"No way Berry, we're doing this. I might have taken my anger out on nerds and losers in the past, but the worst I ever did was toss them in the dumpster. I'd never hurt anyone like you're hurting yourself." Without warning, Rachel's anger and defence evaporated and she felt near tears. Moisture welled up inside her eyes, and she blinked to get rid of it. She had already cried in front of Noah once that week.
Rachel knew, deep down somewhere inside of her, that what she was doing was wrong. Not only did it scar her body and could possibly affect her future on Broadway, but it was letting them know they had won. Everyone who was the cause of the cuts that covered her skin had beat her when she did it, no matter how much she fought to keep it a secret. Although her words often came out in the wrong way, Rachel always did her best not to hurt anyone else, and that kindness should extend to herself. She knew that.
But she also knew how good it felt. She knew about the feeling of release as soon as she had made a mark, she knew how it allowed all the pain she kept bottled up to escape in a way that was harming no one else, she knew how calm she felt with the blade in her hand, she knew the power it gave her afterwards, to hide her secret and know within herself that none of them could hurt her as much as she could hurt herself.
"I'm sorry Noah, but I really don't know what you're referring to. My trip to the Doctor this morning was nothing more than an accident." Even as the lie killed her to tell, even as she could see Puck's eyes flash with frustration and even as she could see him looking right through the lie as if the truth were stamped across her forehead, she still told it. If she denied all charges, he couldn't prove anything.
Puck's fist clenched at his side and the hand that was still around her wrist gripped her tighter, pulling her towards him as he glared furiously into her eyes. For just a flash of a second of madness, Rachel thought he was going to hit her. But then his features relaxed, his hold loosened and when he spoke, he was calmer. His voice still held the frustration. He still sounded as if he wanted to throttle her, or at least knock the truth out of her, but he wasn't so furious.
"Look Berry, we both know you're lying, but you're as stubborn as Lauren on a good day, so I'm just gonna tell you to call me, okay? When you want to do that, just call me and I'll come hang out. We don't even have to talk about it, you know I'm rubbish with all the girl talk about feelings and stuff, but I still will, if you want. Anyway, just do it, I'll keep you company, take your mind off it." For once, Puck didn't even give a wink that would turn it into a sexual innuendo.
Rachel said nothing. If she thanked him, or even nodded, she would be admitting that he was right, and she wasn't ready for that, not yet. He seemed to understand anyway and before she could push him away, he pulled on her wrist and tugged her closer to hug her. For a second, Rachel froze in his grip, but then she reminded herself that it was only Noah, the boy she had known since she was five years old, and it was only a hug. She relaxed into it and even found herself wrapping her arms around him in return, burying her face in his chest and taking comfort in being held.
Neither of them noticed Finn standing at the door, watching them until his angry voice rung through the classroom. "So you're with him now?" He half yelled, and the two of them sprung apart as if they had been caught making out by their parents. More from the shock than anything else, Rachel backed away from Puck and swung her head to look at Finn. As soon as she laid eyes on him, her own fury grew to match his.
"Is this why you blew me off yesterday? Because you're screwing him? I know I'm not your boyfriend any more Rachel, but you could have had the decency to tell me!" In three quick strides, Rachel crossed the classroom until she was just inches from Finn, she could not remember a time when she felt so angry. He had done worse than this by far, but then she had just been hurt. Now, she was furious. Really, really furious.
"No Finn, we are not dating. As it has obviously escaped your notice, I shall take this time to point out to you that Noah is in a relationship. My reasons for not running back to you as soon as it got into your brain that I was telling the truth all along have nothing to do with him, we aren't back together because, as I informed you yesterday, I can't even stand to be around you. Now I know how you really see me, what you think of all the whispers in the halls, I don't even want to think about having a relationship with you.
"I need someone who can actually look past all that and not give a crap what everyone else thinks. I need someone who's going to believe me over the local prostitute and not assume something as innocent as a hug goes as far as a relationship! I need someone who will not shout and storm at me when he is the one who messed it all up to begin with! And most of all I need someone who sees what you were so blind to for months that we were going out!"
Rachel shouted so loudly that several people milling around in the hall outside turned to stare, even through the closed door. She didn't wait to hear what Finn had to say back to her, she didn't even wait for Puck to start chewing him out too, she just wrenched open the classroom door and stormed out of it, physically shaking with the intensity of her anger. She ploughed into several people as she rushed through the corridor, not even stopping to apologise or turn back as some of them called angrily after her.
She did not stop storming until she was half way home and her mind was finally clear enough from the fog of fury that had consumed it for her to think clearly. She had never lost it like that before. Not with Santana, not with Quinn, not with her dads or Shelby. But it was not just Finn, it was all of them. It was all of the anger that went towards every cut she made on her own skin, it was all the emotions she could only release in that way. Finn had just been there, he had just delivered the faint blow needed to the delicate house of cards that she had become.
It was only when she finally did stop to catch her breath that Rachel realised in her haste to get out, she had not even brought her coat with her. And she still had Spanish to go to. She had been so angry with Finn when she left, that she hadn't thought of any of that. Perhaps she should go back. Spanish only began ten minutes ago, if she hurried, she'd only be about fifteen minutes late. It was only Mr Schue, she could spin him a story about going to the nurse for pain relief. Finn would be there. But she had Glee afterwards, which she never missed, even when it had started to become a chore, and someone was bound to realise something wrong if she didn't turn up. Especially Kurt.
With an irritated sigh, Rachel turned on her heel and began to trudge through the snow back to school, not bothering to hurry. She was already late, a few more minutes wouldn't make a difference. Mr Schue wouldn't question her too much if she told him the painkillers were for women's issues. That was the one advantage to having that monthly curse, male teachers always accepted it as an excuse for lateness, or a reason so suddenly leave their classroom.
As she pushed the door open to the Spanish classroom, Rachel felt as if all eyes were on her, and not in a good way. She very carefully avoided Finn's eyes as she mumbled to Mr Schue her made up reason for being late and sat down. She could feel his gaze on her, so intense she half expected it to physically burn, but she could not tell if it was apologetic, or angry. Her question was soon answered when she felt a something hit the back of her head and turned around to see a screwed up ball of paper fall to the floor. With a quick glance to the front of the classroom to check Mr Shue wasn't watching, Rachel bent down and scooped up the note, taking care not to tear it as she unscrewed it.
Im sorry, was all it said. Rachel did not have to look around to know who sent it. She'd know that handwriting amongst millions, and no one else liked her enough to apologise, whatever they had done. With another quick check at her teacher, Rachel picked up a pencil and drew in the missing apostrophe before screwing the note back up and flinging it in Finn's direction, being sure to aim right between his eyes.
Sorry guys, don't hate me too much, but I felt all that needed to be said. As much as I love Finchel, they can't try and fix their relationship until all the anger and feelings are out in the open. And I suppose I should credit Katy Perry or whoever it was that wrote that song for the card metaphor, but apart from that, and the fact that none of the characters or the TV show are mine, the work's all me. I think that is the first disclaimer I have ever written, and I have A LOT of fan fiction.
Also, in good news, I have a plan and know just where I am going with this now :) I really love getting all of your reviews, it's a much happier thing to wake up to in the morning than someone thumping on my door and shouting at me to get the f- out of bed.