Xander

"Radiocheck," I said.

"This is stupid," Jen said, "But you're loud and clear."

"I agree with Country Girl," Cordelia said, "On more than one level, this is suicidal."

"We're not finding any movement," I said, ignoring their criticisms. They weren't the ones who were in the sewers below a cemetery, hunting for a monster that was making the local high school students disappear.

Then again, their accusations of stupidity might hold water, considering me and Jesse were the ones in the sewers below a cemetery, hunting for a monster that was making the local high school students disappear.

I gulped but pressed on, Jesse watching my back. Our shotguns, loaded with rocksalt, both to protect us from friendly fire and, for some reason, lethal to some monsters, had lights at the end shining an eerie red light into the walls of the sewer. Our Dusters were tucked into our belts at the small of our backs. The flack jackets we wore had high collars to protect our jugulars, along with pouches filled with goodies such as bombs, silver "brass" knuckles, Christmas balls filled with holy water, and other goodies. We looked almost like professional monster slayers, if I said so myself.

"I should get a hat," I said.

"Not this again," Jesse groaned behind me.

"You think of professional monster slayer, you think of a guy in a long coat with a nifty hat," I argued.

"I told you," Jesse said, exasperated, "Those movies take place in Transylvania, where it's always raining. Do you know how ridiculous you would look in Southern California wearing a long coat, let alone a wide brimmed hat?"

"Is he wanting a hat again?" Jen asked.

"Shut up," I said into the radio.

"If you dare be that unfashionable, I will hit you," Cordy threatened.

"Personally, I think he'd look good in a stetson," Jen said, "Just not in a rediculous long coat. Some flannel and heavy duty jeans with a good pair of boots. Can you say 'sexy cowboy'?"

"Absolutely not," I said, having a mental image of me in a cowboy getup looking like a life sized Woody doll.

"Well, saddle up," Cordy said, "You're ten meters from the target, on your left."

"In normal people units, please," I said.

"Ten Yards," Jesse said.

"Oh," I blinked, "Why didn't you just say so?"

"Why isn't the smart one the one with the radio?" Cordy asked.

I get no respect.

I kept my shotgun on the door as Jesse gave it a gentle pull. Fortunately, it opened smoothly. I pulled out a bomb and he nodded, raising his shotgun to cover the door. I flicked open the zippo and lit the fuse before tossing the pipe bomb into the room, the shoved it closed with all my might, and a deafening boom as the bomb exploded. I shoved open the door as Jesse smoothly entered the room,swinging left. I brought up my shotgun and swung right, checking all corners.

The room was empty.

"Fuck," I growled, "Wrong tree."

And then something landed between me and Jesse.

I don't care what anyone says. We let out manly noises of mild surprise.

Me and Jesse immediately backpedaled and leveled our shotguns at the figure in the center of the room. Even in the reddish light of our flash lights, he was pale, with bleached blonde hair, an angular face, a scar over his eyebrow, and a punk sense of fashion.

I fired as soon as it clicked.

The vampire from the road.

Jesse made the connection too, opening fire on it as well. It snarled in rage and charged me, ignoring the rocksalt taking chunks out of it's clothing. It whipped my shotgun out of me hands and slammed it's fist into my side. Even through the layer of flack and Kevlar, that hurt. Then it spun me around and sank it's teeth into the neck protector.

I gritted my teeth, thankful that it did it's job, and pulled my Duster out and blindly swung it over my shoulder. I felt the teeth remove themselves just before it landed in something soft and wet, and a feral roar deafened my ear as I rolled away, allowing Jesse to slam more shotgun shells into it before clicking empty.

It looked up at us in absolute rage, it's coat and shirt torn to shreds, along with a bloody mess covering most of it's upperbody. I knew from experience that salt retarded the regenerative properties of vampires. It growled, "I really liked this jacket," it laughed, "So you two are the hunters that have the vamp community running scared."

Jesse just glared, slung his shotgun, and pulled out his own Duster. I hefted my own.

"Oh, no introductions?" he laughed, "Well then, guess it is some unmarked graves for the two of you. I, for your peace of mind, am Spike."

"What a coincidence," I said, "I got one for your heart right here."

"It speaks!" he laughed, "I swear, if the gossip is to believed, then you two were on your ways to being the next Holtz!" he looked confused, "Holtzes? Holtzi?"

"The fuck is it talking about?" Jesse asked.

"You couldn't shoot it in the mouth?" I asked.

"Doesn't matter, anyway, I suppose," it said, "Considering you two will be dead before the hour's up. I would turn you, hell knows you deserve it, but I don't like minions who can turn on me."

"Definitely should have shot it in the mouth," Jesse agreed.

"Or at least it's face," I said, "That hair? With those clothes."

"That's uncalled for," it growled, gesturing with his hands, "Well, what the hell are you waiting for?!"

Three vamps stepped out of the doorway, crouched and game faces on. These three minions were so generic that they seemed to be wearing matching clothes, all fake leather and goth paraphernalia.

Cake.

Three

They charged us. One swiped at me, but I ducked and planted the axe-head of my Duster into it's side and shoved it into the one that charged Jesse, sending both into a heap on the floor. The third swiped at me, but I ducked again and scooted left, making the vamp overextend and allowing Jesse to come in behind me and stake it with his own Duster.

Two.

The remaining pair pulled themselves off their feet and charged us. I ducked low, lowered my shoulder, and jabbed my Duster foreward into it's leg, and then flipped the vamp over my shoulder like a shovel full of shit. I pivoted and jabbed my Duster into the heart of the one Jesse was wrestling with.

One.

The final one had learned it's lesson and was trying to scurry away. I planted my axe-head into it's calf and dragged it back for Jesse to stake, before turning to Spike, who was laughing his ass off.

"Good show!" it applauded, "Good show indeed! Oh, it's a pity that none are here to witness this tussle! Oh, it's going to be so much fun!"

"Definitely should have shot it in the mouth," we both remarked.

It roared and charged us. I scooted right while Jesse went left, both of us swinging our Dusters at it. It strafed right, narrowly missing the axe-head and stake of Jesse's Duster and grabbed the haft of mine before backhanding me across the face.

I saw stars as me head flew through space, my feet following. The earth slammed into my back, driving all the air from me as my head slammed into the ground, making the stars come back as I gasped for air.

I blinked and saw the blurry image of Jesse and Spike fighting, with Spike easily dodging all of Jesse's swipes and jabs with his Duster. Spike grabbed the haft of Jesse's Duster and slammed his palm into Jesse's chest sending him flying back.

I mentally growled, as I didn't have the breath to actually do so, as I hauled myself to my feet. I felt bile rise in my throat, burning it as it came up. I swallowed and charged the vamp's back, leaping on it and putting it in a chokehold.

"Really?" Spike said, annoyed, "A chokehold on a guy who doesn't breathe? How did you survive being so retarded, mate?"

My response, I dare say, was the wittiest and pithiest ever in the whole universe.

I puked on him.

Not a lot, I'll admit, but enough. The vamp growled, "Disgusting!" Which seemed a bit conceited, considering the source. That thought was driven out of my mind by his fist impacting like a meteor between my eyes.

I felt the beginning numbness of a massive headache, but everything seemed to get brighter. I, somehow, tightened the grip on my chokehold and drove my knee into it's spine, making him growl, distantly. I felt him whumph as Jesse drove his shoulder into it's mangled chest, knocking both of us down, and driving the wind from me again. I felt my hold collapse completely, and blinding pain erupt through my head as the world blacked out for a second. When it came back, everything was as bright as a kleig light shining in my face, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I curled up and retched.

"COME ON!" the voice of God, which sounded suspiciously like Jesse, shouted in my ear, "WE HAVE TO MOVE!"

I let him pull me up as the earth rolled under my feet, almost as bad as the time I took a ride on the Vomitron 3000 when I was 6. I felt him pull my arm over his shoulder and he manhandled me out the door, just as a thunderbolt crashed in the room behind us.

"THAT WON'T STALL HIM FOR LONG!" he roared in my ear. My response was another retch.

He shouted again, "MASTER VAMP! HE'S NOT FAR BEHIND US!"

"ROGER. GET TO THE SURFACE. EXFILL IMMEDIATELY." A voice that sounded like Cordy's roared again.

Jesse redoubled our speed, and I felt my lungs burn as we raced through the hot and humid sewers. As we reached our exit, a steam grait outside the gym, he shoved my useless ass up through it before following me up, dropping his last bomb in before slamming the grate back in place.

We ran, my lungs on fire and my legs encased in lead, to the parking lot where Cordy waited in Jesse's truck.

We were within sight of it when the vamp grabbed the shotgun still slung on my back and threw me six feet.

"It was a good show," it growled all traces of amusement gone, "But playtime is-"

A deafening BANG and a little ball of fire erupted from it's shoulder. It snarled and turned just as Jen baseball slid into it's knees, knocking it off it's feet.

She rolled up faster than it did, and kicked it's face like it was a football to a field goal. The thing rolled away as she unslung her carbon fiber compound crossbow with a pricey reflex sight attached, and loaded a bolt filled with gunpowder and the primer of a shotgun shell under a wickedly sharp broadhead.

"Should have shot him in the mouth," me and Jesse said.

I blinked and hauled myself up, unslinging my shotgun and loaded shells into it, trying to look intimidating and not like I just spent 12 rounds getting Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicked to the face.

The vamp roared at us in total rage, it's entire upper torso a bloody mess, it's right arm hanging uselessly as it's shoulder was blown to bits, with the jagged edges of it's shoulder bone sticking out.

I screamed, "KILL IT!"

Jen fired the bolt, but the vamp caught it mid flight and tossed it away. Me and Jesse unloaded into it, our rocksalt rounds tearing through it as Jen reloaded. One of us even got it in the mouth.

It fell to it's knees before us, looking at us with dizzy eyes, it's shallow breathing coming is gargling rattles. It was almost pitiful.

"Jen," I said, "Put it out of it's misery."

"With pleasure," she replied, leveling her crossbow at the creature.

And, naturally, that's when everything went wrong.