Of all the times for Doctor Logan to be on vacation, it had to be now. Ray cursed when he got the man's receptionist. She said she would pass on the message but not to expect the doctor to cancel his plans. At least Doctor Allison was available and assured Ray his team would meet them in the emergency room and take them directly to the maternity floor.
"You need me to call anyone?" Vecchio asked as the nurses wheeled Fraser into an examination room.
A young nurse stopped Ray at the door and gave him a pile of papers to fill out on Ben's behalf. "No, just…" Ray thought as he ran his free hand through his hair. "Jesus, what's happening?"
"Hey, it's gonna be okay. Benny's strong. I'm going to go call Stella let her know we are here."
"Ok, thanks."
By the time Ray got all of the admission paperwork complete, the nurses had Ben in a hospital gown and hooked up to a heart rate monitor for both him and the baby.
"This monitor," she explained as she slid it under his back and pulled it across his stomach, "will tell me if you are having any contractions and how far apart they are occurring, which in turn will tell me if you are in active labor or if something else is going on." She scanned Fraser's medical chart. "Says here you are at approximately thirty two weeks. And looks like at twenty three weeks you were in for contractions which we were able to stop with the Magnesium Sulfate."
All Ray heard was active labor. Labor? Panic set in as he frantically searched his brain for the information from the pregnancy book. What did it say about early labor? Weren't there key organs still forming like the lungs? What are the odds of survival if baby arrives at thirty two weeks?
"No," Ray broke the silence in the room. "No, it's too early. You have to stop it. Give him that drug again, Magnesium Sulfate. That worked last time."
"We need to see if he is having contractions first, Mister Kowalski. If that is the case, then we will certainly try and stop the labor."
Fraser's breathing was erratic and his heart rate was all over the charts. He had a death grip on the bed railing, twisting the immobile bars between his clenched fists. Ray decided it was better the bar than his own hand that was taking the punishment.
The nurse studied the monitor and made a face. "Can I get you to roll over to your back so I can exam you?"
"I can't… hurts too much," he ground out, his eyes still screwed shut tightly.
"Ben," Ray spoke softly, "Come on, I'll help you." Fraser released the railing with one hand and Ray helped him roll to his back.
"God it hurts," he exclaimed as he pressed a hand into his stomach.
"Labor usually does," the nurse chimed in.
'No shit, lady,' Ray thought as he held onto Ben's hand.
"On a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?"
Fraser pushed his foot into the bed and curled his toes when she inserted a lubed pinky finger into his minute opening to check for dilation.
"Oh God…" He gasped, breathing in and out quickly, on the brink of hyperventilating. "It feels like you lit a railroad tie on fire… Jesus… " He tried to take a calming breath but the pain was too intense. "Feels like you nailed it into my stomach," Ben clenched his teeth together and squeezed Ray's hand. "God… about a ninety five on your scale." He took another deep breath when she removed her finger and patted his leg, telling him he could put them down. He immediately rolled back to his side to lessen the onslaught of the next contraction.
"What were you checking for?" Ray asked. And then… like a two ton brick... it hit him. Allison was trying to get Ben to deliver naturally.
"I was checking to see how dilated he is… but I'm a little concerned that his contractions are far too close together and he's not dilating quickly enough. His opening is much different than what I've encountered before."
"No, no no no no… He's supposed to have a c... section. It's not possible for him to have the baby naturally. He doesn't have a normal opening like women do."
"What?" The nurse was now fumbling through the notations in Fraser's chart, suddenly concerned. "That's not what his chart says. It says he is to labor until all efforts have been exhausted… but this makes no sense..."
Ray was going to kill Allison with his bare hands.
"Ray," Ben groaned. "What's happening?"
"Shh, Ben, it'll be alright."
Ben squeezed his eyes shut. He was having trouble remembering what he was doing in the hospital. He couldn't remember how to breathe. Between one contraction and the next, there was nothing but a world of pain.
He tried to focus on the world outside. There was Ray, his blond, disheveled head bending over him. His voice was anxious as he spoke.
"Deep breaths, Ben... deep breaths." Ray turned to the nurse, "He's in a lot of pain, isn't there something you can give him?"
The nurses seemed to be ignoring him.
"Where is Doctor Allison?" The woman who had just checked Ben asked her colleague. "Someone page him."
"No need, I'm right here. How are we doing?" Allison was suddenly there, appearing in the room as if by magic. He tucked Fraser's chart underneath his arm and slipped on a pair of latex gloves.
Ben groaned, just at the sight of him. He wished it had been Logan.
"Shh, Ben." Ray's voice was calm, though Ben knew better from the tightness of his face. "It's going to be fine."
Ben squeezed his hands around Ray's, and Ray squeezed back.
"What's this the nurse said," Ray spoke up. "She says Ben's got to try for a natural delivery till he's exhausted or something."
"Exhausted all other options," the doctor said, blithely.
"Exhausted all..." Ray's voice was getting higher pitched as his anger rose. "I thought he had a choice? He said no, he said he wanted a caesarian. What the fuck are you trying to prove?" he squeezed Ben's hand harder. "We told you we stopped doing those exercises. Why is he in a delivery room?"
Doctor Allison gave as dismissive a look as he had ever managed, and moved down to the bottom of the bed, between Ben's legs. "Because," he said, dryly, "Ben is having a baby."
"I know that," Ray yelled. "And he is supposed to be having a Caesarean."
"Let's just take a look." Allison sounded far too calm. Ben's whole body was seizing up, clenching down toward the moment of another contraction, and Allison, damn him, damn him, damn him, was inserting a gloved finger into Ben's... opening.
"Oh, God, stop him, Ray." Ben heard himself moaning, and would have been humiliated, but everything hurt so damn much. The exercises had been bad enough, but now, with his whole body bearing down against his will, it felt like the man's latex clad index finger was a red hot poker stabbing right inside of him. Ben didn't even feel the tears on his face, even as Ray wiped them away. "Stop it, please, make him stop."
For a blissful moment, the contraction eased, and the intrusion in his body passed. Doctor Allison had removed his finger. Ben didn't question why, he simply closed his eyes and thanked God, or whoever was listening.
Then, as the room came back to him, he heard scuffling. He turned his head on the pillow. From the corner of his eye, he could see Allison being shoved, bodily, toward the door. He could see Ray's back, one shoulder raised, an elbow drawn back, a clenched fist. He could hear raised voices... Ray, Allison, other voices in the hallway. Someone must be calling for security guards. He heard and saw all that, and then...
Oh.
It was snowing in the delivery suite. His body was still pushing, still trying to deliver itself of its burden, but even the pain was far away. The cold was so calm, so soothing...
Ben stepped into the snow.
One minute Ray was fighting ... pushing Allison out of the delivery suite, one fist raised to fly…
And then the bottom fell out. Fraser's blood pressure dropped right along with his heart rate. Alarms were ringing in Ray's ears. For a moment he thought he was hallucinating ... bells, and whistles, and fucking angels applauding his very reasonable decision to beat Allison's face into a bloody pulp ... then he realized that the machines in the room behind him were all crashing and clanging, and saying something was very, very wrong.
He stepped back from Allison and released him ... he had just been holding him by the throat.
"What the hell is going on?" he asked. Allison went pale.
"Oh my God," he said, and pushed past him, straight into the room.
And that was it. Door slammed in his face, security guard pressing him up against the wall, and all he could do was ... wait outside.
"Sit down," the guy said, when it was obvious that Ray had stopped yelling, wasn't foaming at the mouth, and didn't need to be arrested or sedated. "Let them do what they're doing."
"What are they doing?" Ray could barely hear himself over the thunder in his ears.
"They're trying to save your boyfriend," the guy said. "And I guess your baby. Though I don't know how that works."
The man had a slightly dismissive tone to his voice, and normally Ray would have bridled at it… but for now, he simply sagged against the wall defeated, and watched through the window, as Allison worked. After about ten minutes, one of the nurses turned, and drew the curtains. They were beige.
Of course they were. The whole damn world was beige.
There were voices in the snow.
"I caught this morning morning's minion..."
Ben ignored it, and waded on through the hip... deep white.
"Dapple dawn... drawn Falcon in his riding."
Nothing. The words meant nothing to him at all anymore. He was looking for someone else.
He didn't know who.
A lupine shadow bounded around the roots of the tallest pines at the edge of the forest. It dashed through the mounds of unending snow across the flat terrain before coming to a full stop at the base of the hill Ben was descending. It yipped once, turned a full circle and yipped again.
"Diefenbaker," Ben called, quickening his pace down the hill. Ben struggled in the deep snow, but trudged ahead to greet his fallen companion, his lost friend. Dief managed the snow as if he had never left the Great White North. He bounded forward with great speed, tongue hanging out to the side. Ben tripped and stumbled. Diefenbaker was there in an instant, catching his fallen friend. They rolled in the snow, tears freezing in the bitter cold and laughter breaking the vast silence. Diefenbaker pinned Ben to the ground and licked playfully at his face and for once, Ben let him. He wrapped his heavy arms around the wolf's thick neck and buried his face in the Dief's scruff.
"I've missed you, Diefenbaker," Ben whispered into the blowing wind. Dief yipped and understood. Ben smiled as he pulled himself to his feet. From Dief's response, it was obvious that he could hear again. Dief nudged him in the knee and Ben gave the lupine another rub behind the ears. He still had someone to find. "You coming?" he asked his companion. Diefenbaker fell into step beside him, just like old times. Only difference this time… Ben had his hand twisted in the thick fur of his lupine friend, offering the occasional rub behind the ear.
"Son."
There. He turned. "Dad?"
In the midst of the storm, he saw a silhouette. A man bundled up in layers of bulky woolens and furs. The figure was hunched protectively around whatever it was in its arms.
"Dad, is that you?"
"Benton." His father's voice, clear despite the storm. "I have someone I want you to meet."
Ben dipped his head and looked.
"She can't live without you Ben. Not this little. Don't do what I did. Don't leave her alone."
"Mister Kowalski?" The nurse's voice cut through his daze, and he lurched upright… somehow he had slid down the wall, and had been sitting on the floor. "Mister Kowalski, I'm sorry. It's… it's not good news. But… but you can go in now."
"What do you mean it's not good news?" Ray's voice was hoarse, as though he'd been screaming or crying, possibly both.
"I mean… well, your partner is in surgery. But… your little girl is on life support. You can go and see her now."
And that is how Ray first saw Chloe. The first time, and, for all he knew the last time. Lying in a glass box, with tubes sticking out of everything.
"Oh, God." He reached through the hole in the box and tentatively touched her hand with one finger, and she clenched her fist around it. He choked back a sob and then let the tears flow. "Oh, God."
The nurse cleared her throat, and spoke sympathetically. "All her organs are intact, she seems developmentally normal. Just, she's very little."
"Can I… can I hold her?"
Behind him a man's voice spoke up, gruff and tired.
"Let him hold her," Allison said. "Skin to skin contact. It can only do her good."
Oh. Skin to skin… yes. Ray had read about this. Numbly, his fingers fumbled with his buttons, then the nurse was passing him little Chloe, and then...
Then she was up against his chest, and she snuffled, and...
Oh sweet Jesus.
She opened her eyes.
Blue as Ben's, blue as the start of a new morning. Just... perfect.
Ray felt something tugging at his heart. A love that he'd never known he'd had in him, different from anything he had ever felt before.
He dipped his head, and kissed the fluff of her hair.
Oh God. I'm a Dad.
If only Ben was with him, this moment would be perfect.
But Ben was not with him.
Ben didn't know how long the dream went on. He did know that it was cold, but that finally faded to warmth. His father was holding him, as he had wanted him to, all those long lonely years of childhood, that Dief was pressed up warm against his leg, panting and wagging his tail. And that, cradled in his arms, was the child he had never known he needed but now could not live without.
"You go back now," Bob said. "Share her with Ray. You'll be good parents. Better than I ever was."
"No, Dad," Ben's voice cracked. "You were the best father a man could have. I love you."
"I know, Son." Bob's voice was fading. "And I you."
When Ben opened his eyes, the snow had all melted away. He was in a room with one bright window, a pot of flowers on the sill and... Ray.
Ray, sitting in a shabby hospital rocking chair, staring down at a bundle in his arms.
A little pink hand flailed up from the bundle, and Ben's heart caught in his throat.
"Ray," he whispered. "Chloe."
Ray lifted his head, his eyes bright with exhaustion, vivid against his pale face. "Ben," he replied. "Oh, God, Ben. You're awake. I thought you were gone."
Ben reached out, and grasped Ray's free hand, drawing him close. "I would never leave you," he managed to say. Ray stood from the chair and moved closer so Ben could get a closer look at their daughter. With fumbling fingers, Ben caressed Chloe's face, tracing, as lightly as he could, the delicate curves of her cheek. "I would never leave either of you. I'm here to stay."
Ray pressed his face against him, and kissed.
"Thank God," he said.
Ben tried to lift his arms, to hug his family, but his hands dropped heavily to his sides.
"No, you stay put," Ray whispered. "Don't try and move just yet. We'll come to you."
And then, somehow they were together, Ray perched on the edge of Ben's bed. Ray leaned forward and carefully laid their daughter on Ben's chest, her tiny head resting under his chin. Ben raised his hand and held her in place over his beating heart. Chloe did what babies do… snuffling and squeaking and snuggling under his hand, barely opening her eyes.
But when Ben looked at her, then looked across at Ray, he realized something. Something so important he couldn't find the words.
For the first time in his life, he was happy. Deeply, profoundly happy.
And for the first time he was home.
Ray kissed his daughter's head lightly as he placed another thin blanket over her tiny body. Chloe fussed and squirmed until Ben placed his hand protectively over her back, holding her tightly against his chest. She snuggled under her father's familiar touch and fell silent as he rubbed his hand soothingly up and down her back. She had her knees pulled up and tucked tightly underneath herself as she drifted off to sleep.
"Thank you," Ben whispered as Ray dropped a kiss to his head. "I couldn't reach a blanket and she was getting chilly." Ray slid the ottoman towards Fraser and helped him lift his feet onto it to relieve the strain on his abdomen. Fraser grimaced and made a face against the pain.
"You okay?" Ray asked concerned as he rubbed Ben's legs.
"Yeah," he shifted gingerly in the rocking chair, careful not to disturb Chloe or put too much pressure on his stomach. "It's just everything still hurts, a lot more than I thought it would after two weeks."
"That's why Doctor Allison told you… you can't do anything yet. All you are allowed to do is sit and love on Chloe. You had major surgery, Ben, it's not going to heal overnight."
"I can't believe she's finally home with us."
Ray smiled in return. He couldn't believe it either. Doctor Allison had discharged Ben after four days with orders to lift nothing and get plenty of rest. He was to stay off his feet at all times. He reminded Ben on more than one occasion that inactivity was his best healing medicine at the moment. Ray had taken Ben to the hospital every day, where they were allowed to sit in the nursery and bond with Chloe until it was safe for her to go home as well. Developmentally she was doing well, but her tiny stature left the doctor wanting her to gain some weight before leaving the safety net of the hospital.
Ben went to sleep every night with the cordless phone next to his pillow. He felt like his world had been shattered when he had to leave the hospital and leave her behind. Then finally after two agonizing weeks, Doctor Logan announced that Chloe could go home.
Ray Vecchio and Francesca had planned a get together for the homecoming, but Ben had asked his Ray if they could wait a few days to adjust to being home with Chloe. It didn't stop them from visiting, but at least it wasn't a house full of people all at one time.
Barbara was a God-send with helping figure out the first few bottles. Even with all the books Ray and Ben had read, neither one felt completely competent with making the bottle of formula correctly. Ray paid careful attention to his mother as she warmed and mixed the bottle for her granddaughter.
"That's it?" Ray asked her as she handed over the bottle.
Barbara nodded and smiled as she kissed him lightly on the cheek. "That's it. She will let you know when she's hungry and when she's full. You will learn her different cries and before long, you'll know what she wants and needs."
When they went to bed that first night, Ray went into Chloe's room and retrieved the bassinet and placed it next to their bed. Ben just nodded with an understanding smile as he cradled Chloe in his arms. He wasn't about to let her out of his sight. Ray was nervous. Every squeak out of Chloe had him at the edge of the bassinet checking on her. Ben was just as concerned with her squeaks or lack of. Placing his cheek next to hers to make sure she was still breathing. 'New parent jitters' he had to constantly remind himself. They had come so far, survived so many traumas that if anything happened to her now in the safety of their home, Ben wasn't sure he could go on living.
Sleep never came to him the first night she was home with them. Ben just laid in bed, eyes focused intently on the bassinet and listened to her breathe and squeak. He never knew babies made so many different sounds. Each one unique in it's meaning. Ray slipped an arm around his chest, moved closer to his back and reminded him to breathe himself.
"Thank you," he whispered in the dark as he twined his fingers together with Ray's and clutched his hand tightly against his chest. "Thank you for Chloe."
Ray kissed the back of his neck and pulled him closer. "We're a trio now."
Ray understood what sleep deprivation meant after three full days and nights of only broken hours of sleep knitted together over the course of those three days. He tended to Chloe during the night time hours so Ben could rest and heal. He didn't want Ben to worry about trying to get out of bed quickly to get Chloe when she was hungry and crying. Although, he usually wasn't awake too long before Ben would join him in Chloe's room and share in the consoling of their daughter. Ray was amazed how a tiny little baby could seem to wake every living thing within a quarter mile of their house. Chloe may have been pre-mature, but she definitely had Ben's excess lung capacity.
On the third night, Ray swore he was the worst parent on the planet. Unable to console Chloe after feeding her a bottle, he rocked her gently in his arms while pacing in her bedroom. He closed the bedroom door after ten minutes of her crying non-stop so Ben wouldn't wake up. Her wails continued as Ray shifted her within his arms, then from one shoulder to the other. Nothing seemed to sooth her. Ray finally moved downstairs when he heard Ben stirring in their bedroom. After forty five minutes, he remembered the pacifiers someone had bought them and fished for one in the bottom of the basket beside the couch that contained diapers and wipes.
"Good Lord," Ray muttered as he held four different ones in his hand. Chloe was still so tiny. He tossed the larger two back into the basket. They looked far too large for her mouth. Ray brushed one pacifier against Chloe's lips as she continued to cry. She immediately closed her mouth around the rubbery end and began sucking. Ray grinned triumphantly. Ten seconds of silence was music to his ears. He walked to the rocking chair Ben had built and settled into it, resting Chloe against his chest. He picked up another thin blanket and draped it over her small body as he began rocking. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Ben coming down the stairs. With his free hand, he pulled a finger to his lips, making sure Ben knew to keep his voice low. Chloe was sucking contently on the pacifier and was sound asleep.
"We need to buy more of these things," he whispered as Ben kissed the back of Chloe's head. "I wasn't sure what was wrong with her. She just wouldn't stop crying and I was afraid she would wake you up."
"I forgot all about the pacifiers," Ben kissed Ray before grabbing a blanket and settling carefully on the couch. "I'm sorry, I must have been exhausted. I never heard her."
"Hey, no problem. I like getting up with her. And you need to get some solid sleep." Ray kissed Chloe's head. The pacifier fell from her parted lips and he caught it and set it to the side. She snuffled and squirmed under her father's comforting hand. Ray ran his hand soothingly up and down Chloe's back as her eyes opened and then drifted shut again. "Go back to bed, Ben."
Ben stretched out the length of the couch and pulled the blanket over his body. "I'll rest down here with you two." He let his eyes drift shut as Ray rocked Chloe. Before too long, he too was sound asleep, just like his daughter.
Ray smiled at his sleeping family. 'Life couldn't possibly get any better than this.'
"What time is everyone coming over?" Ben asked feeling apprehensive and suddenly exhausted. He still had trouble maneuvering without experiencing any pain.
"I think in about an hour. You want to go lay down for a bit? I can take Chloe and then wake you when they get here," Ray offered as he gathered a stack of folded baby clothes in his arms to put away.
"No, I was just wondering how long before I have to share her. She's so little, Ray…"
Ray smiled following Ben's train of thought. "She's not going to break, Ben."
"I know that… I just don't want… I'm not ready to share her." Ben scooted Chloe further up his chest and placed butterfly kisses atop her head. She squeaked in response and opened her mouth in a silent yawn. "She'll be ready to eat soon."
"You mind if I do that?" Ben and Ray both startled as Ray Vecchio appeared in the entrance to the living room. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he apologized quickly. "I uh… knocked but no one answered and I knew you would be expecting us soon. Didn't want to ring the bell in case Chloe was sleeping."
"That's okay, Ray." Fraser smiled, and glanced at his Ray for agreement. "If anyone was going to turn up early, I'd rather it was you."
Vecchio stepped into the living room and made his way over to Ben in the rocking chair. "She's beautiful, Benny."
"Thank you," Ben whispered as he pressed a light kiss into Chloe's sandy wisps of hair.
"I'm going to run these clothes up to her room and put them away," Ray picked up the stack of clothing he had dropped when Vecchio arrived. 'Give Ben some privacy with his best friend.' Fraser nodded and shifted in the chair. After fussing in Chloe's room for as long as he could stand to be away from her, Ray started back down the stairs.
"Stella didn't come with you?" Fraser asked while rubbing a hand down Chloe's back. She was beginning to fuss and root around his neck. "Shh," he whispered trying to sooth her as her squeaks turned into more vocal whimperings.
"I'll make a bottle," Ray called as he came down the stairs.
Vecchio took a seat on the couch across from Ben. "No she's coming with Frannie. Something about a surprise." Ben raised his eyebrows and Vecchio held up his hands. "Don't ask me, all I know is they went shopping today."
Ray returned to the living room with a bottle for Chloe and was about to hand it to Ben when Vecchio spoke up.
"Can I feed her?" He blushed and folded his arms across his chest nervously. It had been a while since he had held a baby and never one so tiny. "You know, when the girls get here they're going to want to hold her because all women want to love on the babies and I won't…"
"Get a chance?"
"Yeah." Vecchio smiled. "And I am her handsome uncle after all."
Ray rolled his eyes. "Fishing for compliments? You are insecure."
Vecchio quirked a grin, but didn't say anything, as he scooped her up in his arms. Fraser bit back the urge to tell his friend to remember to support her neck. Of course, Vecchio knew what he was doing. He was an Italian family man after all.
"She's gonna have to grow into that t-shirt I got her." Vecchio gave Kowalski a teasing smile as he settled onto the couch and began to feed his newest niece. "We got a letter from Chloe Wells' aunt and uncle. Stella has it with her to give to you. She wanted to let us know that Chloe is adjusting and doing well."
Ray rubbed Ben's shoulder. "Good, we were wondering how she was doing."
Vecchio grew silent and just smiled down at the infant cuddled in his arms. "Benny,"
"Yes?"
"She's so beautiful. You really should consider another one in the future." Vecchio drew his eyes up from Chloe expecting to see his friend smiling back at him. Instead, Benny had his head turned away, a hand shielding his face, his forearm pressed tightly into his abdomen. Kowalski was at his side, whispering something in his ear.
"What did I say?" Vecchio asked confused. Benny still hadn't turned his head. Ray's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's okay," Ray said softly. "We haven't told anyone yet. It's kinda a sensitive subject. They had to do a full... well, you know."
"Hysterectomy?" Vecchio paled and looked at the baby asleep in his arms.
Ray shook his head as Fraser swiped at a stray tear. "I'm sorry. You never realize how badly you want something until it's been taken away from you. I didn't even know I had it. Now knowing it's gone, I feel completely hollow inside."
"God, Benny. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I just assumed the emergency surgery was to get Chloe out quick." Vecchio stood and walked the short distance back to his friends. Chloe had fallen asleep after her bottle and he placed her gently in Benny's arms. "She's precious."
"Thank you, Ray," Ben whispered as he closed his eyes and pressed kisses to Chloe's cheek. He held her against his chest and rocked gently, humming softly to his daughter.
"Benny," Vecchio sat down on the ottoman beside Ben's feet.
"Yeah,"
"Are you really going to retire?" Vecchio's green eyes watered as he looked from the baby to his friend.
Fraser stared over his friend's shoulder at the ghost standing by himself in the corner of his living room. Bob Fraser smiled at his son and shook his head approvingly.
"Yes," Ben said quietly as he squeezed Ray's hand. "I think it's time to move on."
"I'll hold a spot for you, if you're ever ready to come back," Vecchio promised.
"Thank you."
The house was filling up with Vecchios, and Kowalskis, and noise. For a moment, Fraser was overwhelmed by it all… then he smiled, and gazed down at the child in his arms.
He would never have imagined this could be his life ... never have imagined this bustle, and vividness. It was so different from the wild emptiness of his childhood. So different from anything he had ever planned.
It's been said that life would be easier if it followed a script.
Ben thanked God it didn't.