Note: Hey all! Sorry this took so long to get out and I'm sorry it's such an incredibly long chapter! For those that wanted Elena's journal, this chapter's for you! It'll pop up again for sure, but this will begin to explain what she's been going through since Damon's departure. FYI-For those anxious for Damon's return...hang on. He's coming. REALLY soon. :) :)

As always thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback and support! You are amazing! :) Hope you enjoy! Happy reading and I'd love to hear what you think! :)

Chapter 10

One week later

"So, what did Ric have to say?"

Caroline's question was muffled by the near-solid changing room door.

"He hit another dead end, but said he's not giving up." Elena sighed and glanced down at her phone to make sure no new messages had come through. It was the tenth time she'd looked in half as many minutes. Even though she knew Ric's established schedule of communication was one text a day, looking for messages from him was an obsession now. "He thinks he has a really good lead this time though."

"Well, if anyone can find Damon, it'll be Ric." Caroline announced as she flung the door opened, stepped from the dressing room and posed for Elena, who was lounging on a nearby chair, shoes off and feet tucked under her. Thanks to Daddy Forbes' large checkbook, the exclusivity of the shop and a little compulsion on the side, they were taking full advantage of being the store's sole customers.

How Caroline had managed to talk Elena into driving to Richmond on a shopping trip to find a new dress for the upcoming Founders' Party was definitely going down as a 'what-just-happened' moment for Elena and a 'I've-still-got-it moment' for Caroline. Though reluctant to follow through at first, Elena was glad now for the distraction. Knowing Ric was out there looking for Damon while she helplessly waited at home was starting to drive her insane.

And that was only one part of all the other craziness in her life.

"So? Whaddya think?" Caroline did a Vanna White with her hands and turned slowly in front of Elena before even being prompted. The form fitting strapless number hugged all the right curves and showed off all the right assets.

"Oh, wow. That's perfect. And the color really brings out your eyes." Elena's assessing gaze swept over the girl that had done more than just help her hold it together the past week. She'd helped her come ever so slowly out of her shell. Even if only briefly and only in her presence. After all, it was nearly impossible to not feel lighter whenever Caroline was around. Even harder not to smile."Seriously. That's definitely the one."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah." Elena nodded, her eyes lighting with teasing. "I know of at least one puppy that'll be panting in appreciation. Or does Tyler howl?"

"Oh, would you stop." Caroline chided, though she couldn't hide the blush that spread over her cheeks at the not-so-covert reference to the slow, but sure, romance budding between her and the town's only known werewolf. "We sooo haven't gotten to the panting stage yet. Or howling for that matter."

"Wear that and you will." Elena grinned at her friend and shook her head in disbelief. "I still can't believe you're going as Tyler's date to the Founder's Party."

"And I can't believe you're not going to be there at all." Caroline announced with a pout. "It's not gonna be the same without you. You know, love him as I do, it just doesn't seem right that Jeremy will be the sole representative of the Gilbert family this year."

"Yeah, well, you know why I'm not going. I'm still not in the mix and mingle mood. Besides, everything is so different now." Elena didn't have to say Stefan's name for it to be hanging there, unspoken, in the air between them. And she didn't have to say his name for Caroline to understand. By mutual agreement two topics were off the table unless Elena brought them up. And both topics just happened to have the last name 'Salvatore' attached to them.

Her eyes narrowed as she considered how gleeful Caroline was in getting ready for a date with a guy that wasn't Matt. "For both of us, it would seem. Now, fess up. Tell me about this date of yours."

"It's not a date, really. I'm going to be there." Checking out her reflection in the mirror, Caroline turned slowly and took mental notes of her image. "He's going to be there. And if we just happen to you know, have a dance or two..."

"Or maybe even a kiss?"

"Or maybe even that." Caroline's blush deepened as she bit back a grin. She caught Elena's shaking head in the mirror. "What? It's not like it's going to kill anybody if we do." She glanced at herself once more in the mirror. Her head bounced once in satisfaction then she quickly slipped back into the dressing room to change.

"I'm just glad it's not going to be a full moon." Elena quipped, fully feeling the irony of Caroline's statement.

"You and me both." The roll of Caroline's eyes was evident in her voice. "I mean, could you imagine? The expression 'heavy petting' would take on a whole new level of meaning."

Elena chuckled. And it felt good. To be able to smile and find humor in things again. It was in large part due to Caroline. And, if Elena was being honest, an even larger part to the hope of Damon's eminent return.

But since she was trying really hard not to feel guilty or think about all things Salvatore...

"Hey, how's the Matt situation?" Elena asked cautiously when Caroline emerged wearing her jeans, t-shirt and a brown leather jacket.

A hint of sadness filtered into Caroline's expression as she shrugged resignedly. "There is no Matt situation. He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want anything to do with me so..."

"And you're sure Tyler's not just a rebound thing?" Elena asked softly, surprised by her own bluntness. Apparently she was picking up a few of Caroline's habits. Or maybe this was a sign of the new Elena that was beginning to emerge.

"I really don't think so. But to be sure, we're taking it slow and keeping it honest." Tilting her head to the side, Caroline met Elena's curious gaze. "I still love Matt, and there's a part of me that probably always will. Tyler knows that."

"But?"

"But nothing. I want Matt to be happy, and being with me...he isn't. So, I'm choosing to let him go so he can be." Caroline slipped into the seat next to Elena. "And before you think I'm being entirely selfless here, I'm not. I've changed, Elena. And I need someone who will accept the new me. Matt just isn't that someone right now."

"And Tyler is."

"Yeah. Maybe." Caroline answered softly then shrugged. "I guess that's what we're trying to find out. You know he told me once that you can't be with someone if they don't really know who you are. And he was right. As much as I hate to admit I was wrong about Matt being the one, there's something with Tyler that just...clicks, you know? In a totally unexpected way, he gets me in a way Matt never did. And maybe in the end, that's what it's all about."

"Yeah, maybe it is." Elena agreed, her rebellious thoughts taking her right back down Damon Lane. She stopped herself by remembering the crossroads looming large before her. "Hey, when did you get so awesome and wise?"

"Oh, I guess it was somewhere between being smothered by a pillow and waking up to sunlight burning my skin." She giggled before a look of horror flashed over her expression. "Oh, God. Does that mean I actually owe something to Katherine?" Her gaze shifted and she brightened. "Oh! Come here my pretties…"

Elena rolled her eyes as an easily distracted Caroline saw the perfect pair of shoes across the store and made a beeline in their direction. And as for beelines, Elena's thoughts went directly from Caroline's last comment straight to a pair of blue eyes that had been haunting her dreams.

Her own whispered admission surprised even her. "If it does, you aren't the only one..."

"It's been a week and Ric is still looking for him." Bonnie announced a bit uncertainly. "I thought he would have given up by now."

"As long as Ric is searching for Damon, he doesn't have to think about what happened with Jenna. It's a distraction he needs. He won't give up easily, which is why we need to extend our little project." Stefan took a drink of amber liquid from his glass.

Bonnie was taken back by his carelessly chosen words. Casting spells and changing the course of people's lives was more than just a 'little project' to Bonnie. And if Elena's well-being wasn't on the line...

"Stefan, are you sure we're doing the right thing?"

It wasn't the first time Bonnie had voiced her misgivings. Given Stefan's determination to follow through with this particular plan of action, it probably wouldn't be the last.

"Yes, Bonnie, I'm sure." Stefan answered as he stared out the window of his room, glass in hand and a half-empty decanter by his side. There was a barely noticeable tremor in his hand. "You see what he's done to her, how she's changed. As usual, Damon got reckless, he did whatever he wanted and now someone else is paying the price for it while he's off doing..." His lips curled in disdain. "...who knows what to whom."

Bonnie took a cautious step forward. "Look, I'll be the first to admit that I've never liked Damon. I get that he's a bad influence on Elena, ok? And while I don't like the affect he has on her any more than you do, I just think maybe she needs to see him to realize that. Maybe we should..."

"Should what? Let Ric find him?" Stefan shook his head before turning to Bonnie with brows extra furrowed. "And then what? Damon will come back, Bonnie. And if he does that..." He let the thought dangle so that every dreadful scenario he'd painted for Bonnie at the onset of this adventure a week ago had time to re-occur to Bonnie. And did. "Bonnie, after everything Elena's gone through, I'm just trying to protect her. We are trying to protect her."

"But, Stefan, if she finds out..."

"She won't." Stefan assured Bonnie, then played on her one of her weaknesses. "We're the ones in control here. If we don't want her to know, how could she ever find out?" He paused and gave her his best puppy dog eyes. "So, we're doing this, right? For Elena."

Seemingly convinced, Bonnie nodded. "How long do you want the spell to last this time?"

"Give it two weeks."

"And if at the end of two weeks of the wild goose chase we're sending him on, Ric is still hellbent on finding Damon?"

"Then we'll revisit." Stefan casually answered, putting an end to the matter. For now. He lowered himself into his favorite chair. "Until then, that's two weeks I have with Elena. Alone. Believe me, Bonnie, that's more than enough time to undo the damage Damon has done."

With an arrogant tilt of his chin, Stefan raised his glass as if toasting her and his victory to come.

The earlier conversation with Caroline still resonated with Elena long after the sun had set.

Perhaps it was the straightforward simplicity with which Caroline put her situation into words. Maybe it was the way Caroline's relationships mirrored Elena's own. Or, most likely, it was the insight she had to know when it wasn't right and the maturity of her decision to let Matt go.

Whatever the reason, Elena Gilbert understood the truth of Caroline's words. And more importantly, she felt the peace of her own decision despite the difficult and tumultuous road she'd traveled to get there.

Given the circumstances, there really was no other choice.

Because Caroline had been right before. With Damon's return would come a host of undeniables. And someone was going to get hurt.

Her thoughts immediately turned to Stefan.

To say things between them were rocky would have been an understatement. At first, it had been subtle. Or maybe she'd just been too wrapped up in her own pain to notice his. But as time went on, a distance grew until she had to admit, if only to herself, that the shift between them was more fundamental, more permanent than she'd previously believed.

And that realization broke her heart.

Because, ultimately, she knew she would end up breaking his.

It seemed, in fact, that she already was.

Three journals lay in front of her. If she were to label them, they would be 'pre' and 'post'. The dividing line that separated the one from the other two was that night. That moment. That connection with Damon Salvatore that was turning everything inside out. Or she could label them 'old' and 'new'. Not for their age or her length of ownership, but to signify the difference between the girl Elena once was and the young woman she was becoming.

The turning point?

The night she died.

And came back to life.

The old journal had been all Stefan, all the time. Their first meeting, first kiss, their last dance. All of what made Stefan and Elena them had found a home in its pages. She hadn't written a word in it for months and kept it now in treasured remembrance of what once was. Because despite what she now knew, what she'd discovered, how she felt, Stefan was an important part of her life. She was not ashamed of that. And she wasn't going to deny it.

Her gaze shifted to the two newest journals with blue covers that differed only slightly in hue. Each had a different purpose. Each held secrets that belonged to her and her alone.

At least, until Damon returned.

She grabbed the new journal dedicated to the current journey she was on, intent on adding an entry from the day's events, but instead found herself reading through her varying thoughts from the past several weeks.

She began with the first entry...

It's been ten days since he disappeared from my life without a word. And ten days since he began invading my dreams.

At first, I was so angry and hurt at his leaving me that way, I resisted him. I tossed and turned and lost sleep in an effort to ward him off. Now, I beg him to stay, and pray to never wake.

The routine is always the same. No sooner do I close my eyes then his appear. Brilliant. Intense. Stormy. He says my name, extends his hand and beckons me to follow. And when I do...

Oh, when I do, a miracle happens.

Every single time.

I see Damon. The way he could be. And seeing him this way is a true study in contrasts.

Because the Damon Salvatore in my dreams is a Damon with no repressed anger or pain. With no broken promises or relationships damaged beyond repair. He knows himself and is at peace. And in finding that peace, he's free. Uninhibited. The sharp edges that tend to cut today don't exist there. His tender heart is large and open, and untainted by cynicism. And the way he defiantly embraces life with no fear makes my own heart ache to join to him.

He's a man of ideals. A man of honor and loyalty. He's also a dreamer. A romantic. There's this sweet innocence about him that's endearing. On one hand, I didn't expected that from the self-proclaimed fatalist. And on the other, how could I expect anything else? I'm grateful that I get to see it. Every night. In everything he says, believes. In actions that speak louder than words.

By nature, Damon's also a protector. Whether it's shielding a slave from punishment, his brother from blame or coming to a lady's rescue over sharp, catty words meant to slight, he's mindful of others' pain and attempts to ease them. To comfort them. I've seen on more than one occasion just how sweet and caring he can truly be.

At the same time, he's fun and witty. That mind of his is always spinning, scheming, looking for a way to tease or upset the status quo with mischief. His smile is easy and full and his laugh...it's so contagious. I wish I'd heard it more often when he was still part of my life. More than that, I wish I'd taken the time to make him laugh or given him a reason to smile. And that I'd paid attention more and dismissed him less.

I wish...so many things.

Because in the dreams, he's the Damon I always knew existed somewhere. The one I saw behind all of his transparent walls. That I believed in and couldn't walk away from.

He's not perfect. Not by a long shot.

He's still snarky and stubborn and more than a bit rebellious. He has a tendency to play up to whatever image a person has of him, often to his own detriment. He still makes me gasp at the insanity of some of his actions, and he never stops. Whatever scheme he's hatched, there's a fierce determination that burns bright in him. It makes him bold and brave and reckless. And there's a large part of him that takes joy in tempting Fate then laughing it its face.

Ironically, the Damon in my dreams is not that much different than the Damon of today.

It took me a few days, but I finally understand that what I'm seeing is...him.

The way he used to be.

Because these aren't just dreams. They're memories. His memories.

Before he became a vampire.

I am both an invisible observer and a willing participant. Events unfold as I silently watch from the outside. But as I sink deeper into these forgotten moments, it's as if I am the one living them. Feeling his hurts and his joys. Thinking his thoughts. Understanding his motivations.

How am I so tied to him? So linked that I can see into a part of him that he's locked away for nearly a century and a half? Is this what Lily meant? When she said it would change me forever, did she know this would happen? And how is it even possible? Is it because he drank my blood? That can't be the only reason. He isn't the only one that has.

And yet...

I've never been this profoundly connected to anyone.

Not even Stefan.

And speaking of...

He's in the dreams too. How could he not be? He was such an important part of Damon's life that nearly every memory is somehow connected to his brother. And in nearly every memory, the same pattern emerges.

It's not at all how I pictured their relationship. Given what I've been told, given their current animosity. Yet, somehow what I'm seeing now rings more true.

Lily was right.

Everything I've known, everything I've believed, what I've felt...it's all disappearing.

And in it's place is a truth both brutal and pure.

Because in it's place is the true Damon Salvatore. A man I'm coming to know. A man I'm coming to love.

Or perhaps even the man I'm just realizing that I always have.

And another entry...

Is it possible to not have a fight and feel like you have? To feel so unsettled about what was said that it plays over and over again in your mind till it threatens to drive you insane?

I guess it is. Because that's exactly how I feel right now.

Stefan managed to get me out of the house today with a surprise picnic. I didn't eat much and considering all the trouble he'd gone through to pull it together, I was feeling more than guilty. I was feeling downright condemnable. Maybe that's what prompted my question. And maybe I just wanted one moment of pure honesty between two people who hadn't shared an honest word in well over a month. If not longer.

"Stefan? If you could change anything about me, anything at all, what would it be?" I offered a smile, hoping to be reassuring. Not at all sure that I was. "Go ahead. Be brutal."

Stefan didn't even think. He didn't even hesitate. And he surprised me with his answer. "Nothing."

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"No." He smiled that smile of his that I fell so in love with, reached over and took my hand. "You're perfect just as you are. I wouldn't change a thing."

There was a moment of silence between us. And I'm sure he felt that moment was complete. Until I told the truth.

"Really? Because I would change me if I could."

"Elena, don't say that."

"Why not? It's true."

"You just feel that way right now because of everything you've gone through."

Actually, no. I feel it because it is true. I feel it because I am changing and in changing I see the girl I used to be.

She was naive and foolish. Unrealistic. She often masked her fear with false bravery and thought if she could just put a smile on her face, and make everyone believe things were alright, they would be. Even though, deep inside, she knew everything was terribly wrong. And sometimes, she dove into a world of make believe hoping that when she emerged, reality wouldn't be reality. That it would change somehow and she wouldn't have to face it. To face herself. That things that had once mattered, could matter again. If only she tried. She refused to see the darkness, the danger, the evil. Until it was draining the life from my body.

But Stefan wasn't in the mood to hear that.

So I just agreed...

"I'm sure you're right."

...and let it go.

So much for a moment of honesty.

I wonder, if asked the same question, what would Damon have said?

And another...

I'm suffocating.

I can't go anywhere without Stefan being there. I can't be in a crowd. I can't be alone. He's constantly watching me or trying to 'protect' me from some invisible danger.

And this morning, I woke to find him sitting by my bed, staring at me. Can I be honest? Truly honest? A month ago, I would have found that endearing. But today? It creeped me out. How is that even possible? I love Stefan. He's wonderful and sweet and kind and...

Who am I kidding?

Stefan has changed. Or, maybe he's always been this way and I just didn't see it. What I took for devotion before, feels more like this never-ending need for control. And has he always been so possessive and jealous? Looking back on it, I can't count the number of times he showed these traits. Or questioned my feelings and commitment to him. How did I not see this before? Why did I ignore the signs?

And another thing. What I used to see as remorse for his own life choices I'm coming to see as nothing more than a plea for attention wrapped in a martyr complex. And he agrees with me. All. The. Time. Like he doesn't have his own opinion or is too afraid that what he thinks will bring down swift and sudden disapproval. It's maddening. And unhealthy. After all, how can I be with someone I don't really know? And how am I to know him if he's masking his true self in favor of my approval?

I've also noticed something even more disturbing - the way he chooses his words to wound in the sweetest of ways. And then there are the words he uses to intentionally destroy. I swear if he puts Damon down to me just one more time...

Maybe its the dreams. I see in them a Stefan I don't recognize. At least not fully. And somehow that's opened my eyes to things I was unwilling to see before.

But not now.

The new me can't ignore any of this any more.

What's more...the new me doesn't want to.

And her latest from only a few days before...

Things with Stefan are getting worse.

I don't know what else to do. It's not like I haven't tried. I have. At first, I couldn't. I literally was incapable. I was still grieving, still numb. But something's changed. I'm beginning to feel again. And what I feel isn't all bad.

Even so, there's an emptiness, an ache that's always with me now, dull and penetrating. I could say it's because of what I've gone through, because of all I've lost. But that would be a lie. Because I think it's always been there. Waiting. As reluctant as I once was to name its source, there's no denying it now.

That empty place inside of me has Damon Salvatore's name written all over it.

It's not anyone's fault. The simple truth is, you can't die and not have it change your life forever.

While I still love the man I knew Stefan to be, I am no longer the girl that he fell in love with.

I am different now. And not just because of what happened with Damon. Strange as it may sound, my relationship with Stefan is not dependent on his brother. On where he is or when he's coming back. And my feelings for Damon aren't dependent on Stefan. To me, they are two separate things.

Whether I'm with Stefan or not, my feelings for Damon aren't going away. I've finally reconciled myself to that. If anything, they've solidified into this undeniable force. This, living, breathing tangible thing that I can wrap my arms around even if Damon isn't here to feel them.

Knowing I have this pull to Damon, this connection, and being with Stefan...it isn't right. It isn't fair. To any of us.

Which is why I know I have to break up with Stefan. I've known it for weeks now. But every time I'm determined to say the words, he does something incredibly sweet or says something that tugs at my heartstrings. And I let the moment go knowing the reprieve won't last forever.

Taking a deep breath, Elena Gilbert picked up her pen, added the day's date and began to write...

I've come to a decision that will change everything. It will be difficult and it will hurt, but I can't do this any more. I can't pretend. I can't deny. And I can't delay.

Stefan and I are over. We have been for a while, I've just not had the courage to say the words out loud. And that's kept me a prisoner to something that belonged to girl long gone.

Tomorrow is the end of my reprieve.

Tomorrow, I'm laying the old Elena to rest in hope that the new Elena will have a chance to live.

tbc...

P.S. I know Stefan's currently unlikable and while some of that is truly coming from my inner place of extreme dislike of the character, there's actually a plot reason behind it. :) As for Bonnie - I just don't like her. She's not a major player so while I'm making her a bit OOC in support of Stefan right now, she's sure to redeem herself at some point, for those of you who care about Bonnie. :)