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Chapter Nine

He stared down at her sleeping form and smiled. "Bella..." Edward said softly as he reached down and ran one finger along her cheek. She stirred slightly, her brow furrowing before her face relaxed back into sleep again. "Bella…" he called again, relentless.

She grumbled and opened one eye, squinting as she struggled to focus. "What time is it?" she asked, yawning. Edward grinned, and then with a jolt, she sat up suddenly. "I didn't mean to fall asleep. I…" She cast her eyes around the room furiously, panicked for reasons he couldn't imagine.

"Hey, it's okay. You're fine." He reached out and stroked her cheek in an attempt to calm her frenetic flailing. "It's ten-thirty. I'd have let you sleep, but I don't think my couch is very comfortable."

She began to calm, and she smiled sheepishly at him. "I'm sorry. Is the movie over? I think I missed the whole thing. I'm just so tired…" She ended with a yawn and Edward laughed.

"It wasn't that great anyway. You didn't miss much," he said with a chuckle as he lifted up her feet and sat down next to her on the couch. She pivoted and sat up so they were side by side, and he laughed as she stifled another yawn.

"I better go," Bella said, rolling her eyes and laughing at her own exhaustion.

"You don't have to," he said, smiling at her.

"I don't think I can stay awake any longer. Not that I've done that great of a job staying awake so far."

"No, Bella. I mean…you could stay," he said softly, not quite able to meet her gaze. When he did manage to look up at her, she was searching his face and a small smile spread across her lips. His stomach flipped several times as his heart picked up speed. They'd been dating for a month now, and while she'd spent plenty of time at his apartment, Bella had never stayed over before. She smiled as she moved closer to him, taking his face in her hands as their lips met.

"Okay," she whispered against his lips.

Their kisses grew more passionate, breathing more heavy, and after a few moments, Bella moved so she was sitting on Edward's lap, one knee on either side of him. He grinned and slid his fingers along her waist and up her back. She reached down and brushed his hands aside gently as she gripped the hem of her shirt and lifted it up over her head. Bella smiled as she gazed down at Edward. But the smile slid off her face as she saw Edward's expression. He was as frozen as immovable stone.

"Edward?" Bella whispered.

He opened his mouth several times, but no words came out. A sudden and undeniable panic gripped him, and there was a dull roar in his ears. He no longer saw Bella in front of him; instead, he was staring at a rain-slicked road and a mangled mass of twisted, smoking metal. Jane's voice sounded in his head as she called for him, her voice a strangled cry. Jane. His heart raced, and he felt both chilled and flushed at the same time. Finally, he managed to say in a tortured voice, "I can't. I'm sorry."

Bella's expression turned to one of anger and embarrassment, and a pink flush swept up her chest and neck and onto her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I thought…" She fumbled for her shirt and stretched it clumsily over her chest as she struggled to rise from his lap.

Her movement seemed to spur Edward out of his stupor. Finally, he saw the girl standing in front of him, hair tousled and falling around her shoulders, crumpled shirt stretched awkwardly to cover herself, her big brown eyes brimming with tears as she tried desperately to avoid meeting his gaze. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment just as Edward's heart burned with shame. He sighed, conflicted, tormented, and despairing. "No, Bella, I..." He faded off, his tongue suddenly too large for his mouth.

"No, it's fine. I should go," Bella mumbled as she pulled her shirt roughly over her head and searched for her backpack. She found it and slung it over her shoulder.

"Bella." Edward's voice was tortured, and he scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration. What was wrong with him? "Wait…Please..." But his attempt to stop her sounded half-hearted, even to his ears, and Bella was already at the front door.

"It's fine. I have class in the morning anyway," Bella answered. Her eyes remained downcast, and she still refused to meet his gaze. She slipped through the door and closed it behind her with a quiet click.

It took Edward a moment to come to his senses and realize he should have offered her a ride home. Cursing under his breath, he grabbed his keys and ran out the door after her.

Outside his apartment, the streetlights cast a yellow glow on the parking lot and sidewalk. He scanned the lot, but she was nowhere to be seen. Quickly, he unlocked his car and threw himself into the driver's seat, hopeful that he could find her before she'd gone too far. He wasn't sure what he'd say to her, or if she'd even speak to him, but at least he could make sure she got home safely.

He turned the key in the ignition, but nothing happened. Puzzled, he waited a split second before trying again. Still the engine refused to respond, a dull clicking the only noise the car made. He slammed his fist into the steering wheel and wrenched open his door.

"Bella!" he called into the empty night, uncaring about the spectacle he might be making of himself. He whirled around, searching in vain for her. He practically sprinted the few blocks to her dorm building; his eyes peeled for her every step of the way. She was nowhere to be found. Her building stood tall and silent against the black sky. He contemplated going in, and even approached the door twice, but both times he changed his mind and walked back to the parking lot. He knew it wouldn't have done him any good at this hour without a key.

He cursed himself when he realized he'd left his phone back at his apartment. But he wondered whether it would do any good anyway. Would she even take his call?

Defeated, he made his way slowly back home, growing angrier at himself with each step. Once inside, he closed the door and leaned against it, sliding down to the floor as he covered his face with his hands. He wondered how he could have ever thought that getting involved with Bella was a good idea. She was funny, and smart, and good, and everything that he wasn't. She was going to make something of herself all on her own. He was just flailing helplessly through life. He caught sight of his phone sitting on his coffee table and considered picking it up and calling her, but what would he say? Would he tell her about Jane? The thought sent a spasm of dread through him. How could he tell her about Jane? About what a monster he was? She'd never speak to him again. He didn't think he could bear her looking at him the way everyone else did when they found out about what had happened that night.

He tilted his head back and listened to the hollow thudding sound his head made as he bumped it repeatedly against the door. For a moment, he imagined that it wasn't his head that made the sound, but her knuckles knocking softly instead. He pictured himself standing, letting her in, apologizing to her and enveloping her in his arms. In his fantasy, she forgave him without question, and he didn't have to tell her anything about his wretched past. He sighed again. That was just a fantasy. There was no way she'd want anything to do with him if she knew the truth about who he was and what he'd done.

The back of his throat burned familiarly, and suddenly he had the overwhelming urge to do something he hadn't done in over six months. He stood and strode into the kitchen, jaw clenched as he began opening cupboards and slamming them back shut when his search turned fruitless. He had known it would. There was no way he'd keep alcohol in the house. Not after that night.

Ignoring the voice that was screaming at him in the back of his head, he picked up his keys. It wasn't until his hand was on the doorknob that he remembered that his car wasn't working. He cursed loudly, his voice echoing off the walls of his empty apartment. Could he walk? He wasn't sure where the closest liquor store was. He realized as he stood in the doorway, fists clenched, chest heaving, that it didn't matter how far it was. Walking across the entire state would be better than sitting helpless in his stuffy little apartment.

So he walked. At first, he was on the lookout for somewhere to buy alcohol, but then as the yards and blocks fell away beneath his feet, he lost the desire that had burned so fiercely on the back of his tongue and made his hands tremble. Instead, despair and self-loathing settled heavily on his chest. He lost the drive he'd had only moments ago to break his promise to stay clean, and instead he began to wander aimlessly. He wasn't surprised when he found himself at the pier.

The moon was full and shimmered across the endless expanse of water. As he'd expected, the beach and the parking lot were nearly empty; the only sound was the crashing of the waves against the shore. The ocean breeze picked up, and he shivered, realizing he'd forgotten to grab a jacket. He shoved his hands down in his pockets and trudged on, determined to ignore the biting chill of the marine air as he moved closer to the water's edge. His shoes sank deep into the damp sand as the waves lapped at his feet.

He'd walked for about ten minutes when he spotted them. The orange glow of their fire caught his eye immediately. He edged closer, not wanting to be seen. There were maybe a dozen of them—young kids, maybe still in high school. Their voices carried across the deserted beach as they laughed. A girl giggled and rose from her chair, squealing as the boy next to her stood and began to chase her around the bonfire. The others joined in the laughter, and Edward inched closer. The firelight flickered across their upturned, smiling faces. Something inside Edward twisted as he realized that just a short time ago, he could have easily been among them. They were so young and carefree, just as he'd been; before everything in his life had changed.

His breath came in short frantic gasps, and he plopped down on the ground where he stood, heedless of the damp sand's moisture that was seeping through his jeans. His fingers worked fruitlessly to gain purchase in the wet sand as he fought to swallow the scream that was building in his throat. The gravity of his situation washed over him, smashing into him, pummeling him into the rocks of his own despair as he realized that he could never have what he once had. And worse, Jane could never have it either. He could deal with his own misery, he could accept that he'd never be deserving of someone like Bella, but how was he supposed to live with what he'd done to Jane?

The moon had traveled far across the black sky before Edward rose. Oblivious to his presence, the kids had long since packed up their coolers and headed for home by the time he trudged up the beach and through the parking lot. His lower half and his fingers were numb from the cold sand, but he didn't really notice. Once home, he collapsed into bed, fully clothed and exhausted, both mentally and physically.

He didn't stir until mid-morning. When he awoke, his face was plastered to the sheet, arms and legs jutting out across the bed at weird angles, and his head was pounding. He glanced at the clock and muttered a sullen curse when he realized he'd missed his morning classes. His body felt stiff as he sat on the edge of the bed and stretched, rotating his ankles and wrists. For a brief moment, he wondered whether he had given in to temptation and gotten drunk the night before. He felt as bad as he often had after a night of heavy drinking. He sighed as he brushed the sand that had clung to his wet clothing the night before off the sheets.

But there was one difference: he remembered everything about the night before in sickening, stomach-churning clarity. Bella, his behavior, her sudden departure, his late-night stroll along the beach. Everything. He groaned and flopped back on the bed, wishing that it had all been just a bad dream.

He found his cell phone in the living room and picked it up. He punched the button that would dial Bella's number and stood holding his breath while he listened to it ring. He was sure she wasn't going to answer, but on the fifth ring, she did.

"Hello?" Her voice was low.

"Bella, I'm sorry." He realized just as she was answering that she was probably in class. "Are you in class? I didn't think about that."

"No, it's fine. I am, but I stepped outside."

"Okay, sorry," he mumbled lamely.

She was silent for a moment. "Are you?"

He closed his eyes and exhaled swiftly. "I am."

"What the hell was that, anyway?" Her voice was hard. He could picture her face, eyes flashing and brow furrowing in anger.

"I…" He sighed. What was he supposed to say? "I don't want to talk about this over the phone. Can I see you?"

She was silent for so long he thought they'd lost the connection. He was just about to say her name when she finally answered. "Yeah, okay."

Relief flooded through him. At least she still wanted to see him. Or, at least she was willing to see him. "When will you be home? Can I come over?"

"I have one more class, and then I'm done until work."

They agreed to meet at her dorm and hung up. Edward plopped down on the couch, slouching down so his head rested on the cushion as he threw his arm over his face. He wasn't at all sure what he was going to tell Bella.

He mulled it over the entire time he was in the shower, and as he toweled off, he realized there was only one thing to do. He needed to end it with her. It wasn't fair to him or Jane. But most importantly, it wasn't fair to Bella. He realized he'd never be able to give her what she deserved. He'd never be able to be what she deserved: someone as kind and honest and good as she was.

The thought of not seeing her anymore made Edward's heart clench uncomfortably. He'd have to quit at Lucky's and get another job. It'd be too painful to see her everyday if he couldn't be with her. But surely it'd be easier to start another job with the experience he had under his belt now. Somehow, that thought didn't make him feel any better. As he dressed and headed to Bella's dorm, on foot, a pit settled uncomfortably into his stomach.

This time, she wasn't waiting in the lobby for him. He took the stairs up to her floor two at a time. He'd been in her dorm room a couple of times and knew the way. He knocked hesitantly on her door.

"Hey," she said as she pulled the door open. "Come on in."

He ducked his head as he moved past her and into her room. She plopped down cross-legged on her bed, and Edward fought the urge to sit next to her. He swiveled her desk chair around sat there instead, smoothing his palms against his thighs. "Where's Alice?" he asked. He'd met Bella's roommate only once before, and he was glad she wasn't there at that moment.

"Class," Bella said simply. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.

There was an awkward silence for a moment, and then Edward sighed, knowing he owed it to her to speak first. "Bella, I…I'm so sorry about last night. I just…" He ran a hand through his hair, sighing in frustration. How was he going to explain it to her?

"Edward." Bella's voice cut through his thoughts. He raised his eyes to meet her gaze. "Do you like me?"

He was forced to smile at her straightforward manner. "Yes, but—"

She cut him off. "Then what is the problem?" He remained silent, knowing what he needed to tell her, but unable to get the words out. She sighed and shook her head.

"Bella, I…"

She stopped him again, shaking her head as she stretched her legs out in front of her. "What happened last night hurt a lot. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did. You…rejected me." Her voice grew quieter with each word until she was almost whispering.

Edward shook his head. "No. It wasn't you. Last night had nothing to do with you. I promise. I'm so sorry."

She folded her legs up under her again and studied her bedspread, fingers picking at loose threads as her hair fell over her shoulders in waves. "Okay," she said simply.

Edward stared at her, eyebrows raised in surprise for a moment. Was she really willing to forgive him so quickly, without hesitation or the need for more information? The knowledge reinforced his belief that he didn't deserve her. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. His next words were going to be painful, but he knew that he needed to say them. "I just want to—"

"It's fine, Edward. I get it. It's done. Let's move on."

He looked up at her, brow furrowed and rendered speechless for a moment. She met his gaze and smiled and shrugged.

"I get it. You need more time. It's fine. I don't want to talk about it anymore," she said, tossing her hair as she clamored off her bed and over to him. She wiggled her way into his lap, and he found himself putting his arms around her as she settled on his knee. Her lips found his and he didn't resist, even though he knew he should. She was warm and wonderful, and she smelled divine. After their kiss, she rested her head on his shoulder, and he leaned back in the chair, bringing his hand up to stroke her hair. They were silent for a while, and Edward wondered what she was thinking about. For his part, he was trying not to think. If he did, he'd remember all of the reasons that he was supposed to let her go and all of the things that made keeping her such a bad idea. He knew it was wrong, but he didn't want to think about that.

After a few moments, she looked up at him. "Do I make you happy?" she asked.

His heart ached at her question. How could he explain to her how happy she made him and how undeserving he was of that happiness? He needed to tell her, but he couldn't. Instead, he stroked her hair and rested his cheek against the top of her head. "Yes, Bella. You do."

A/N: You guys make me happy. ;)