Chapter Nine

That night, Rissa sat alone in her room, tugging at her white skirts, and playing with her long hair that she had tied back with a ribbon, not wanting to be bothered by the pieces of hair falling in front of her face. Tears stung at her eyes as she remembered her horrible day. Seeing all the faces of those girls who looked at her in true horror, like she was a monster or something, because she nearly caught the whole room on fire with the power of saidar had really affected Rissa, especially because Karen Sedai had reacted much the same way.

Then there had been Sheriam Sedai, who she had stood before, trying to explain what had happened to the best of her ability, but even Rissa couldn't fully understand why she could only channel some of the time and not others. Now Sheriam Sedai had told her she was a Wilder, something Rissa had never heard of before. But Rissa realized Sheriam must be right, she just wasn't sure what her so-called block was.

Light, Rissa was exhausted, but because of what had happened today, sleep was denied to her. She could only sit, and wait for this Accepted woman named Nynaeve to come meet with her.

Rissa sighed out with a tremble. Earlier today, when she was with Egwene and Elayne, talking about the meeting with Sheriam Sedai, Egwene had told Rissa about Nynaeve's temper, and anger being her block. Rissa remembered how angry Karen Sedai got when Rissa wasn't channeling. What would an Accepted who had a bad temper who probably didn't even want to be teaching some new Novice be like?

Rissa had no way of knowing, she could do nothing but wait, as Sheriam Sedai had instructed her to do. She wondered to herself if she would ever be allowed back in the Novice classes, or if she would forever be restricted because of her block to the confines of individual teaching.

She felt sick to her stomach when she heard a slight knock on the door. Rissa swallowed hard, wishing Jule Sedai would have been the one to teach her; she had seemed so understanding thus far. The last thing Rissa wanted was to meet more strangers. She was afraid enough as it was.

Rissa crossed the room to the door, smoothing out her skirt as she did, and opened the door slowly, peeking out.

A taller woman, with dark hair pulled back in a long braid stood wearing the same white dress as Rissa, only banded with the seven colors of the different Ajahs, and a Great Serpent ring banding the third finger on her left hand. Rissa lowered herself in a curtsy, not sure what else to do. The woman sighed.

"You must be Rissa." Nynaeve said in a low voice. Rissa nodded, as she opened up her door to let Nynaeve inside her room.

"I'm Nynaeve, but I suppose Sheriam Sedai already told you who I am, and why I'm here." Nynaeve turned to take a good look at the student she would be teaching, and a strange feeling came over her, something strangely familiar, but she pushed it away. Perhaps it was only because at first glance, Nynaeve felt as though she were looking into Egwene's eyes, the same deep dark brown.

"I am sorry if this arrangement is inconvient for you, Nynaeve." Rissa said quietly, feeling embarrassed for taking the time of this Accepted because of her mistakes and her issues with controlling the One Power. Nynaeve sighed, feeling agitated but hated herself for feeling angry. It wasn't the Novices' fault, if she truly was a Wilder, like Sheriam had told her earlier when she assigned Rissa to Nynaeve, then the child had no control.

"I don't want to hear apologies." Nynaeve said, doing her best to keep her voice calm and flat. "What is your block?" Rissa puckered her brow.

"Didn't Sheriam tell you? I do not know. I only found out today that I had a block, or that I'm a Wilder. I have never heard of these women before. All I know is that I do not seem to have control over saidar, and I cannot always reach out to it." She said quietly. "Light, I really want to be able to have it there all the time, and control it." The last part, she said a little too passionately, and Nynaeve noticed, secretly wondering why a young girl whom she guessed could be no older than fifteen wanted so badly to be able to learn to control saidar when she was just a fresh Novice.

"You'll learn in time." Nynaeve said, sitting on the bed across from Rissa's. "Now, I want you to do the rosebud exercise, just close your eyes, imagine you're a rosebud, and reach out to saidar." Rissa, still feeling nervous about this new stranger, sat down on her own bed and did as she was told. Feeling her own heart hammering against her chest, she envisioned the rosebud and within seconds, she felt herself giving in to the power of saidar.

"I don't see there being a problem. You've seized saidar, I can see it." Nynaeve pointed out, as she recognized the glow around the child. Rissa released the beauty of saidar and sighed.

"But that doesn't always happen, you see. Some days, I can grasp it so easily, and other days it's impossible to even find the True Source. Light, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I do not know why I can't always find it!" Rissa forced the tears down, wanting nothing more than to have the True Source always available for her, and her ready to use it and control it at her convience, when she was ready.

Nynaeve watched her patiently, realizing there was a lot about this girl she needed to learn. There was a past, a history Nynaeve could not yet read, but she was sure it existed. There was too much pain and suffering behind the eyes of this child, far too much for her young age, and Nynaeve could only sigh.

"You really do not have any idea why you cannot channel all of the time? Have you not noticed any differences between the times you can and cannot find saidar?" Nynaeve asked, wishing she could just figure out the cause. Light, she was only Accepted. She did not know everything there was to know about being a Wilder, why on earth would Sheriam Sedai assign Nynaeve to help this girl?

Rissa shook her head.

"No, none, Nynaeve. I am sorry. I am sure there are better uses for your time. I am sorry Sheriam Sedai involved you." She said moodily. Nynaeve felt her irritation nagging her.

"Don't apologize!" Nynaeve sighed, trying to control her temper. "Alright, I will meet with you again in two nights time. I want you to try and be conscious of when you can and cannot channel, and try to see what is different. Maybe if we can figure out what your block is, we can work on overcoming it." Though Nynaeve felt that was an impossible feat. She still had not overcome her own block, how under the Light was she supposed to help Rissa overcome hers?

Nynaeve hestitated, but finally stood and turned to leave. Rissa watched her go, wanting to ask so many questions, but the fear of not being able to ever channel at will silenced her. What if Nynaeve could not help her? What if she truly was crippled for the rest of her life? Would she ever be raised to the shawl? How would she ever truly gain her life back if she was not going to be able to fully control the power inside her?

As Nynaeve nodded, and Rissa faked a smile, as the door closed behind the Accepted, Rissa fell against her pillow, and cried.

"Rissa, Rissa, Rissa!" She heard a hissing whisper about an hour later, and she sat up, her eyes still swollen from the tears she had shed. She stood up, taking the candlestick she had lit earlier, and walked over to the door. She opened it carefully, and saw both Egwene and Elayne, both in their nightgowns, peering up and down the halls for any sign of Accepted or Aes Sedai.

"What are you doing here? If you get caught, you'll be in trouble." Rissa whispered, knowing it was well past curfew. Egwene and Elayne pushed past Rissa into her room, closing the door behind her. Rissa felt her own heart beating, as she imagined someone like Karen Sedai opening the door to find three Novices in one room, past curfew. Rissa knew it wouldn't look good, especially when Rissa was already seen under a bad light by Karen Sedai.

"You really shouldn't be here." Rissa hissed, wiping her eyes against her nightgown sleeve. "If we get caught-"

"We won't stay long, but we didn't want to wait until morning. With all our chores, and classes to attend, we knew we wouldn't get much of a chance to ask you." Elayne pointed out in a low whisper, lowering herself to sit on Rissa's bed beside her. Rissa puckered her brow.

"Ask me about what?" She asked.

"About your meeting with Nynaeve." Egwene replied. "We saw her when we were on our way up for bed. She was just leaving your room. I tried asking her, but she only told me to mind my own business, and she walked away." Rissa shrugged, trying to remember her first impression of Nynaeve. She hadn't noticed anything about a bad temper, although she had only spent a few moments with her; there really hadn't been any opportunities for tempers to arise.

"She was alright, but she was only here for moments. I think this meeting was arranged just so we could meet. I must meet with her again in two nights time." Rissa explained.

"Just make sure you don't ever question why she's doing something. Nynaeve hates it when I tell her if I don't agree with something she's doing. She figures because she's older, she knows better, but truth be told, she doesn't always." Egwene laughed a little, as Elayne and Rissa both shushed her.

"Well, I guess we'd better get back to our beds before we do get caught." Elayne said as she stood.

"Yes, I suppose. Elayne and I are still doing chores for a rule we broke a few days ago, so extra punishment wouldn't be so bad for us, but we don't want you to have to face Sheriam again." She paused. "I imagine taking lessons from Nynaeve is enough."

Rissa said goodnight to the two girls, and went to her bed, lying her head down against the cool pillow. Despite what Egwene and Elayne said about Nynaeve, Rissa didn't feel so badly about it; not yet anyhow. As she tried to drift off to sleep, she tried to picture in her mind what private lessons would be like; would she ever discover her true block? As sleep overtook her, the answers never came.