Christmas break means I'm bored which means I write more. Hurray! Happy holidays!

Raphael was snoring on the couch as I crept up the stairs. Maybe he wouldn't remember. He had asked to tell him about my first kill, but I couldn't concede. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth even if I tried. We had drank in silence for half an hour more before he fell asleep after half of his eleventh beer and I was still into my fifth. It wasn't a silence that was stiff or hostile from either side. More of understanding. Of knowing what it was like to have things you just couldn't talk about.

He had been asleep for fifteen minutes before I finally decided to creep upstairs. I hadn't had enough alcohol to calm my inner voice, the bad one. Sometimes, there's a nice one. It tells me to take it easy; to be nice to myself. The former frequents my mind more often. I attempted to numb myself consciously as laid in my bed and closed my eyes, not even bothering to undo the covers. My mind wouldn't silence itself and the jet lag was proving difficult to overcome.

You didn't deserve someone to trust, my voice told me. He could tell someone. He could tell his brothers. He could tell April. I attempted to reason with myself that Raph wouldn't do that, but my mind wouldn't concede. What if you have to kill him? The violent images of past kills transferred onto Raphael wouldn't stop sliding through my inner viewing screen. Having my eyes closed made it worse. I squeezed a portion of my comforter into my hand, making a fist around the clump of fabric.

I thought about going down and waking Raph up and talking to him. Not about this. About anything but this. Movies, dogs, music, literally anything but this. He was sleeping. I couldn't bother him. Raph didn't need to be mixed up in my shit. So I decided to do what I always did when my brain wouldn't shut the fuck up at night. I went into my bathroom and got the Benadryl down from my medicine box on the shelf. I usually took two. I should only take two. I poured four into my hand. I put water into the cup I kept beside the sink and downed them.

Fucking hell, Karen. I pinched my nose. I always thought maybe one day it would be better. Easier. That's why I got this house and made it all cute and shit. Because maybe it would make me better. It never got better.

I hopped into the shower and as I moved through the steps, shampoo then conditioner then face then body, my eyes started to burn from being open and my yawning got more frequent. I didn't think it would happen, but I started to wonder how many Benadryl it took until I would pass out in the shower leaving Raph to find me dead of concussion in the morning, stark naked. Jesus. I had some dignity to at least hit my head on the floor with pajamas on. At least die clothed and clean.

I did make it to my bed, towel on my head, in soft pajamas. This time, I undid the comforter, and got comfy before closing my eyes and almost instantly losing consciousness.

I woke up to the smell of bacon. My mind was fuzzy for a while, going in and out of dreaming about Jason making bacon. I slowly came completely to, and slammed my hand around till it finally found my phone. It was ten in the morning. I sat up and rubbed my eyes on the back of my arm. I remembered that I had left Raphael sleeping on the couch and he was the only one who could be down there making bacon. I shook the thought of Jason out of my head with a twinge in my chest before working my way out of my bed.

I was still groggy from my drugged sleep. I trudged around and slowly waddled down the stairs, yawning. Sure enough, I could see Raph in the kitchen. He turned around when the stairs creaked under me.

"I, uh, figured since I downed most of your beer that I could at least make breakfast?" He gave me a sheepish smirk. I smiled and shrugged. "How do you like your eggs? I like sunny side up, but Mike usually breaks the yoke half way through and makes weird scrambled eggs."

Maybe Raph didn't remember what I told him last night I thought as I myself remembered what I told him. That would be nice. "I like scrambled, but I'm not picky."

"Eh, I could go for scrambled, and it makes it easier." He cracked five eggs into a pan he already had heating up with butter and beat the eggs while they cooked.

As I stood at the kitchen table that served as a make shift island in my small den and kitchen area, we made small talk. How did you sleep? Fine, and you? The weather is nice today. It felt strained. I knew he remembered. I realized that he hadn't planned to spend the night.

"Do your brothers think your dead in a ditch somewhere?" I joked, hoping to lighten the heavy air. Hoping it would make him forget or never bring it up again.

"Nah, I texted Leo this morning that I got drunk and passed out. He wasn't too surprised. I run around a lot." He shrugged, stirring the hardening eggs around the pan with a spatula.

I narrowed my eyes. I didn't need Leo or any of the rest of them thinking weird shit went down. "Define running around."

"Jesus. Pervert, huh? Nah, I disappear, go for rides. Mostly come out here, to Casey's family place and sleep on the couch. Or on rooftops in the city. I disappear occasionally." He started scraping the eggs out onto a plate and eyed me. I nodded to let him know that was enough and he scraped the rest onto his plate. He put two slices of crisped bacon on my plate and four on his before sliding the plate across the table to me and sitting down. "Well, I don't think I actually disappear. I'm pretty sure Don's got trackers on all of us."

"Knows where I live now, huh?" I walked into the kitchen and pulled a pitcher of coffee out of the fridge. I poured some into a mug and turned to Raphael. "Want some coffee? It's cold so it can be iced or hot from the microwave."

"No and no, I don't like coffee. Watching Don chug three pitchers a day kinda ruins it for me." He shook his head. "And I don't do tea either. Leader boy makes it feel pretentious."

I snorted as I placed my mug in the microwave and started it up for a minute. "Leader boy?"

"Leo. It can be an insult or a fun nickname depending on this situation." He snickered and shoved eggs into his mouth. "Didn't you have siblings?"

"Only child." I poured some cream and stirred it and some sugar into my coffee before sitting back down. Raph eyed into my cup.

"Don would call that 'milk.'"

"Well. I don't hate myself so I add cream and sugar." I bit into a piece of bacon, letting it crumble into my mouth. It was crunchier than I liked it, but I wasn't about to complain.

We had some banter while eating. I took care of the dishes, but not without reminding Raph of his dish troubles from the night before.

"She was more angry when Leo exploded her microwave the other week." He laughed.

"Leo? He seems so responsible."

"Clueless when it comes to cooking. Put some dumplings in foil so he wouldn't waste a plate. Ruined the microwave instead. That's what his portion of the money from this mission is going towards."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Is that the whole reason you signed up for it? So that Leo could replace a microwave?"

He shook his head. "We owed Bishop a favor, he said we sounded perfect for the job, and the money was a nice bonus."

I hummed in response as I scrubbed the dishes out and placed them in the drying rack.

"Why did you take the mission?"

Why did I take the mission? It had been so different from the previous jobs I had done. It seemed fitting. Since it turned out to be my last job. I didn't need to stop. I could keep going despite Vanessa's gift. But my desire had died out since I had gotten back. I hadn't checked messages like I usually did immediately upon return. Hadn't turned my business phone back on that was still sitting in my bedside drawer. What changed? And back to the original question, why had I taken this job? Not even I was sure.

"It was a shit ton of money." Was the easiest answer I could think of.

"It was." Raph didn't seem to fully accept this answer. His phone buzzed and he placed it to his ear. "What is it, Mike?"

He moved into the den, and I didn't bother to listen over the clattering plates and pans in the sink suds. I finished up after a bit to catch Raph saying, "What the fuck you mean?"

I turned around. Raph was in the middle of the den, hand on his hip, staring at the ceiling with a scowl. His bottles were no longer scattered on the floor and I noticed he had put them all in the trash. Probably before making breakfast. Silently thoughtful.

"Ugh. Just. Do whatever. I don't care." He hung up and sighed.

"What's up?" I asked, curious.

He rubbed his eyes. "They decided to come out to the cabin since I was 'having fun out here without them.' Well, Mike and Casey decided to come out, and Leo and Don decided to come along."

"April too?" I actually wanted to be friends with her, much to my own surprise. What was happening?

He shrugged and plopped into the couch, spreading his arms across the back. "Maybe."

I sat myself in the chair, it felt the same as last night. Except now the sunlight was streaming into the windows and I was sober. He was sober too. "Hey."

"Hm?" He looked over at me, still spread out.

"Promise you won't talk about what I told you. Last night." I picked at my thumb nail, avoiding eye contact in case he said no.

He didn't answer, just sat for a while, I could feel his eyes on me, making me hunch over and pick with more furiously. The couch relaxed audibly as he stood up and walked over to me. I felt his hand spread on top of my head and he scrunched my hair up and down before patting it back down.

"It's safe with me."