(ORIGINALLY FINISHED 9/17/12)
The Adventures of Kat and Lee
With UNNECESSARY production notes!
-EPISODE 10: The Small Horse That is Below Average Scale That I Happen to Own: An Important Relationship-Based Element, Otherwise Known as Friendship, Has the Capability of Producing a Positive Supernatural Force, Also Known as Magic (OR) Sharkjumper-
In which the word "FRIENDSHIP" loses all meaning.
-Part I: We are the Ponies, We Will Assimilate You, Resistance is Futile-
The office building across from the apartment building had been taken over by Equestrians, the workers weren't allowed to leave, as the horrid beings bit the metal door knobs off of every exit door, and cut the cables to every elevator, the assimilation process could run smoothly.
There had originally been 107 non-brony humans in the office, and because they only had one closet and the assimilation process (watching the entire current Friendship is Magic series one episode per minute) was slow, the ponies would attempt to utilize computers with their finger-less hooves to construct an orbital friendship cannon.
"Curse you, human computer!" screamed the white one, which ate the computer it was currently using.
Back in Olympus, Ares and Athena played a friendly game of Chess.
"...Anyway, I thought it was nice that we could settle our differences in a friendly game of Chess instead of in a war that would end in horrid cuts and bruises, check," said Athena cheerily.
"Check? CHECK? CHECK?! YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME?" Ares shot a beam of red light onto the board, causing the pieces to come to life and charge at each other in an unfixed movement style.
"But- that takes the fun out of it!" said Athena.
"Still fun to watch," said Ares.
"If I wanted to watch a war movie, I would watch "Age of Heroes", I wouldn't play Chess," said Athena.
"Oh, you're no fun, I'm gonna go play Black Ops," and with that, Ares stalked off.
Dionysus came drunkenly running in with a glass of wine in his hand. "Guys, guys, I am soooo wasted right now, so I can't exactly drive you to space today."
"How the hell did you get drunk? You don't even have a liver, you're a freaking GOD!" shouted Poseidon.
"Screw you, man, I can, like, turn you into a grape or something," Dionysus keeled over and threw up on the nice red carpet.
Athena decided she would fill Poseidon in on what happened. "He thought that people were having too much fun with wine, so he pulled a Hogfather and reversed the effects of alcohol, causing all of the drunkenness of the drinkers around the world to flow into his own liver, and force him to be the sole drunk of the universe."
"I wish I could do that sort of thing, then I wouldn't have to walk the six miles to the water pump every evening when I'm thirsty," said Poseidon.
"That is kind of stupid, isn't it?" said Athena.
Zeus twirled a lightning bolt in his hands as he cheerily walked into the room and whistled a tuneless song, then he tossed the bolt out the window. "It's BORING when it isn't raining, Poseidon, come on, help me out here."
Poseidon sighed. "Fine."
Back in the apartment, Tabby remained a mere cat-ant, and Tom remained in space, possibly arguing with the cat-human hybrid he was "getting busy" with to come back to earth with him.
Lee was calling to get the television fixed while Kat caught up on her summer reading and Hector looked in the cabinet for some gauze to fix his face.
Caleb slept on the floor with one of Hector's comic books on his face, Mr Muffin looked over Kat's shoulder as she read, and Mittens slept on top of Sam's stomach, making it impossible for her to get up for fear of waking the cat.
The pipes in the sink drawer produced a muffled creaking noise, but a strong creaking noise, not a regular "it's-just-another-miniature-slime-man" creak, but it was as if there was a Flubber party in there, causing their flubbery bodies to bounce around the pipes and make a racket, but that wasn't the case, as back in the office building, the ponies had located a supply of nitroglycerin deep within the basement, and began pumping it through the sewers toward chemical plants across the city where they belong- and because this is New York City, there are a whole lot of those.
"I'm just going to say, wow, why the heck do you even have pressure explosives in the basement?" said the pink-purple one to the manager.
"Gee, I don't know, why the heck do ponies talk and have psychic powers? I watched your show with my kid once, and man, that was a load of bull-"
"Move this one to the top of the list," said the pink-purple one, and she walked off.
The blue-colorful one walked up to the manager and said, whilst wearing some kind of gas mask thing that deepened her voice, "When everyone is a brony, you have my permission to wait for the next episode."
"NO! THAT'S WORSE THAN DEATH!" said the manager.
The Equestrian ripped off its gas mask, and glared a most wicked death glare into the face of the dumbass manager. "For god's sake, would you just give the show a try? Seriously, a few episodes in and you will be able to see past all of the pastel-coloring and partial computer animation and-"
"Rainbow! We don't need to speed up the process!" said the pink one from the closet-turned-assimilation room.
"You better have those headphones on that guy tight, missy!"
"You smell like Skittles," the manager pouted.
-Part 2: Lee Meets Yet Another Talking Animal-
Back in the apartment, Lee had finished the call, and decided he would re-enact a few video game trailers, "It's been a long time, Dovakhiin, how have you- FUS RO DAH! LEGO Elder Scrolls! kick some brick in one through... five. This is boring."
"It wouldn't be so boring if the police hadn't told us that we had to remain indoors for the next six hours," said Kat.
"In their tongue, she is Dovakat, ferretborn!" Lee muttered.
Kat ran up to Lee, and shouted, "Go a-WAY!"
Surprisingly, Lee flew backwards out the window and clung to a ledge. "Nice job!"
"Thank you, Lee," said Kat. "Do you need any help or-?"
"No, wait, I think I've got- losing my grip- oh shi- FAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
Lee fell twelve stories and landed on his feet, rather than landing on his face like normal. Two foot-deep footprints were planted finely into the ground, Lee stepped out of them, and had a good look at the building. "Jeezus..."
The building was stained with a dark green chemical that appeared to be leaking out of the pipes and the gutters, Lee immediately realized that the chemical was nitroglycerin.
"This is why we have to stay indoors? A petty nitroglycerin leak? Words cannot describe just how horribly insulted I am at this mortification! How disgusted I am with the government system of current time! How horribly wide my insufferable vocabulary dare make itself!"
Through the office window, one generic magenta pony looked at the blabbering pilgrim and asked to nobody in particular, "Why is it that I suddenly crave nachos?"
"I don't know, but now I crave nachos, too, mm," said another cream-colored one.
"I made an appearance in this chapter because the authors friend writes MLP fanfiction!" said a flaming red-and-orange pony with a submachine gun.
"Irrelevantly to the previous paragraph, I'm going to go get us some nachos," said one of the people who were converted to bronies.
"You can't," said Rainbow Dash, blocking the exit.
"Why not?" said the new brony.
The pony pulled out a slip of paper and read, "Our operation prohibits newly converted bronies from leaving the building until every office worker has been successfully converted to Bronism."
"Aww, come on, that'll take forever!" said the brony.
"That's the rule, buddy, live with it or get outta here!" Rainbow Dash threw the paper aside.
"For the nachos?"
"...No, and despite the fact that I really want nachos right now, allowing you to leave the building will doom us all!" Dash shoved the man back over to his computer. "So get back to building the friendship cannon, knowing that by tomorrow, everyone in the office building will be enjoying a hot, steaming plate of FRIENDSHIP!"
At the final word, Dash jumped into the air and golden letters spelled out "FRIENDSHIP" beneath her with a rainbow and for some reason, the Beatles and the Blue Meanies.
"Friendship... aaand nachos, right?" said the office man turned brony.
"Yeah," said Dash.
"Good... good."
Back on the sidewalk, Lee had spawned a gas mask on his face with a fedora on his head, so he looked like some steampunk version of Rorschach from Watchmen, he decided he would hand-deliver his hate notes to the office this time, rather than throwing them through the window, so he walked over to the lobby, walked up the stairs, walked to the door of the office manager himself, and opened the door.
He was about to throw his hate notes into the manager's fat face, when he noticed something off about the manager.
First off, the thing was covered in hair, BLUE hair, and it had wings.
Second, the thing's eyes were the size of small bowling balls, and shiny.
Third, the thing was a freakin' horse. A small horse, but still about Lee's height, and very irritated-looking.
"Gods, Poseidon got high on this one, didn't he?"
"What do you want?" the horse-thing asked.
"I have a package for I. M. Adoosh?"
"Haven't heard that one before," the pony growled.
"No, seriously, that's the guy's name!" Lee said.
"Wow, really?" the pony asked.
"Yeah."
"I. M. ADOOSH, THERE'S A PACKAGE FOR YOU!" screamed the pony to someone in the room.
Lee snickered.
The pony turned back to Lee. "He's not in a good mood right now, just leave the box at the door."
"Kay," said Lee, and he shut the door, then he put the package down and left.
When Lee had gone, the pony swiped the package into the room and opened it up.
"So, Mr. Adoosh, what could these be?" the pony asked to the bound manager. "Blueprints for advanced weaponry? A word from your mob boss on where the next hit's going to be? A large supply of Mind-Control Sprinkles?"
"Mind-Control Sprinkles?" the manager asked.
"It's a code word for MCS, a drug in Equestria," said Rainbow Dash.
"Oh," said the manager.
Dash picked up the first of many sheets of paper, and began reading to herself.
"Wow... WOW, I always thought you were a bad guy, but-"
Dash giggled. "Oh, here's one- 'You are a nematode of a nebbish from the nether of negatively noted Nerf nipples', I have absolutely no idea what that's supposed to mean, but it's a catchy alliteration!"
"Stop- please!" the manager said.
"Oh, this one took up a front and back side of a page, 'you're a (for this scene, the logo for the Hub, the television channel that airs Friendship is Magic, goes over the pony's mouth every time there is a censor) [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] chicken finger [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] bowling pin [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] fruitcake [CENSORED BY HUB] noodles [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] Wallace and Gromit [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] Nickelodeon [CENSORED BY HUB] caterpiller [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] remote control car full of dynamite and wooden stakes [CENSORED BY HUB] Abraham Lincoln [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] the national guard [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] brains [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] yourself up [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] chimney [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] Santa Claus [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] then you can go to the North pole and [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] [CENSORED BY HUB] and all the little children can know that their toys were [CENSORED BY HUB] on by you and your miserable office building', that's poetry, right there."
The office manager stared at Rainbow Dash, his mouth open in a comical 'O' shape.
"I know, I have a beautiful voice, don't thank me."
"You're a children's show character!" said the manager.
"Have a look at the internet and then call me a "CHILDREN'S" show character again," said Rainbow Dash, and she pushed the insults off to the side and began working on a project known as the "20% Cooler" on the computer.
The gods in their little discreetly hidden kingdom on top of the second-tallest building in America had a look down at this office building, well, just Zeus and Poseidon, but they sort of count as six gods each.
"Quite a mistake we'll all remember you made," said Zeus.
"It wasn't a mistake, I made all of them on purpose!" said Poseidon. "Every one of them, including the blue one."
"I don't exactly think 'while I was high' is interchangable with 'on purpose'," said Zeus.
"I got HIGH on PURPOSE, and therefore, I made them on PURPOSE," said Poseidon, angrily.
"Uh huh, sure, then why did you send them off to another universe?" said Zeus.
"It was a social experiment, and I filmed the whole thing, anyway, I wanted to know what was happening with my experiment!"
"I think you're lying and you just filmed it so you could make it into a television show to pretend you got some benefit from it," said Zeus.
"Haters gonna hate," Poseidon said sing-songily.
"Ponies gonna get pwned," said Zeus.
"I thought that it was 'ponies gonna pwn'," said Poseidon.
"No, actually, you see, if it had -er at the end, it would be that they were the ones pwning, however, if it has the -ee suffix, it is the one being pwned, that a good English lesson for you?"
"Haters still gonna hate," said Poseidon.
"I hate you," said Zeus.
"Haters gonna-"
There was a loud, distant boom.
"What happen?" said Zeus.
"Someone set up us the bomb," said Poseidon. "We get signal."
"Main screen turn on," said Zeus, who was somehow holding a full television set, which was working.
"It's you," said Poseidon, looking at the screen, which displayed Hades.
"How are you, gentlemen?" Hades said through the screen. "All your base are belong to-"
-Part 3: Ponies and Aliens-
That was when the camera cut to the apartment building, because that joke is boring.
This be from Mr Muffin's point of view, which is actually quite reddish and has a list of targets to the side of his eye with the watermark of the Russian flag symbol with the Soviet national anthem playing faintly in his ears.
"I'm back," said Lee, walking in the door, Mr Muffin turned to see him, and a box highlighted his position.
Above the box, there was a white text box with red text. "TARGET- LEE, REASON FOR HESITATION OF ELIMINATION- HE JUST WON'T DIE."
Out of Mr Muffin's eye-stinging point of view, through the window, a corner of the office building was smoking, as if it had just been blown off the face of the earth, considering there was no rubble.
"NO! YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU REALLY DID IT! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" the office manager slammed his fist on his desk as he screamed this. What had been blown up was the manager's most prized posession, a really big microwavable burrito that he was saving for lunch on this day.
"Burritos deplete the O-Zone layer, you idiot! We would all be doomed if you had eaten that, DOOMED!" Rainbow Dash shouted in something of a German accent similar to that of Dr. Strangelove, then she wanted fish, so she looked over to a random waiter in the corner of the room. "You don't have any fresh fish?"
"I'm afraid not, ma'am," said the waiter.
"Your eggs then, they are fresh?"
"Oh, yes, ma'am." said the waiter semi-enthusiastically.
"I will have four eggs."
Pinky-Pie walked into the room with a box of cigarettes and spoke with a more American accent. "Do you want a cigarette, doctor?"
"No, thank you, I do not smoke zose," said Dash, in a slightly heavier German accent.
"Huh, only commie cigarettes, I suppose."
Back in the apartment, Kat decided she would stop reading for a moment and take a minute to throw the already-destroyed television out the window, considering nobody will be on the street, and therefore, nobody will be hurt.
"Hey, Hector, help me with this," said Kat as she picked up the television.
"Okay," said Hector, he walked over to the television and picked up the other side.
"On three," said Kat. "One, two..."
Back in the office, the ponies decided that they didn't need to assimilate people one at a time in a dark room, and simply wheeled the television out into the manager's office and called everyone who hadn't yet been assimilated to get into the room, or else they would have their asses kicked so hard that their eye sockets and mouths would be spewing pure unconcentrated FRIENDSHIP, and then blood. Lots and lots of blood.
"All right, let's just get these wires hooked up to the DVD player and- ah, come on! Who the heck takes the time to literally tie the audio cable for the VCR and the audio cable for the DVD player together? I ask you!" said Twilight.
"BURN IT! BURN IT ALL DOWN!" screamed the office manager. "BAWW, I DON'T WANNA BE A BRONY!"
"Whiner!" screamed Gaz from across the street.
"She's right, you know," said Twilight.
"BAAAAWWWW!"
The broken television broke through the once-again newly-repaired window and knocked the business manager out in a similar animation style to Family Guy.
Twilight walked over to the out-cold manager and poked him. "Dead. God, finally."
"So you say ponies have taken over the office building across the street?" said Kat.
"Yep, it was going to happen eventually, I'm gonna let you know that someone owes me a good twenty-five bucks now. YA HEAR THAT, HECTOR? IT HAPPENED!" The same television came in through the window and beheaded Lee, leaving a horribly uncleanable blood stain on the wall.
Kat leaned her head to the side, then pulled the television off of the wall, and had a look at it, the screen had been repaired.
"THANK YOU!" Kat shouted at the office building.
"Throwing stuff is fun! Can we throw some more?" asked Pinkie Pie to Dash.
"HECK YEAH WE CAN!" Dash shouted, and she picked up the manager's dead body and flew out the window, then tossed him at the same exact window where Pinkie Pie tossed the television.
Except at this point, the god of death decided that he would screw with mortals some more, and raised the Loctat Knight apartment building up five feet. Dash missed the window, but made a direct indirect hit to the nitro-filled pipes beneath it.
Dash didn't realize this until the second before the corpse hit the pipe, and at this point, it was too late to even say "Oh, shi-" and she was just stuck with saying "O-."
The pipes burst and narrowly missed Dash, a piece of the pipe hit her in the face and knocked her out, sending her falling onto a truck that was carrying sixteen miniature nuclear bombs for SCIENCE- which exploded, and created a massive crater in the road, along with a very pretty mushroom cloud.
But that still didn't kill Rainbow Dash, she was thrown all the way over to the smaller area of New York City known as "Earthtown", and landed in a giant pit of acid- which was frozen, of course, and bounced over a large house with sixteen insect zappers guarding the walkway next to a smaller purple-and-green house with a men's bathroom door for a front door, and guard gnomes in place of insect zappers.
Dash fell right through the roof of this small house, through the floor of the attic, through the lesser-known second floor, and finally, landed face-first into a gargantuan bowl of nachos.
The little robot holding the bowl of nachos promptly freaked the fuck out and threw the nachos- and Rainbow Dash- at the television screen.
"Master! It happened again!" the robot shouted.
"Third year in a row! Tenn owes me twenty-five monies!" our favorite little green alien, Zim, ran into the room with a cheese-proof hazmat suit. "All right, what is it this time? Zombies? Kittens? Kitten-zombies?"
Zim carefully moved the very heavy bowl of nachos- which was about the size of the average adult human- off of the television, and saw the now-conscious and very confused Rainbow Dash, who was glued to the television, thanks to the cheese.
"And it's a pony! Now Tenn owes me a whopping FIFTY monies!" Zim shouted triumphantly.
"Where the heck am I?" Dash asked.
"It can talk! Seventy-five monies in the First National Bank of ZIIIIM!" Zim shouted victoriously. "Now the only question I have for you is, can you fly?"
"Uh... yeah."
"BAM! A full hundred monies for me and a bonus FIFTY from Skoodge! This is my lucky day!" Zim shouted.
"You sure make a heck of a lot of bets," said Rainbow Dash.
"We Irkens are known for our delicate bet branches," Zim hissed. "Now who are you, and what do you want? Are you after my robot bee?"
"No."
"Are you after my technology?"
"No."
"Are you after my coke stash?"
"...Partially," Dash said shamefully.
"Well, I can tell you that I don't have one! That horrible interfering DIB took it and sold it to the pedophilic mail man across the street! SO MANY MONIES... WASTED!" Zim cried.
"Bummer," said Dash. "Now if you would get me off of the TV, that would be awesome."
"I'm afraid to say that I'd need nothing short of a device used for removing thin layers of hard cement from icicles without breaking the icicles to do such a thing," said Zim, then he pulled out a jackhammer. "BUT I STILL GOT THIS!"
"AAAH!" Rainbow Dash jumped off of the television screen with the sound of crunching metal.
"Heh heh, works EVERY time," said Zim, holding his jackhammer over his shoulder, then losing his balance and falling.
"I will KILL yo-"
"You smell like Skittles," said GIR.
"GAH!" Dash threw GIR at Zim, crushing the table in the dining room with the amazing strength of FRIENDSHIP.
"I think you broke something!" said Zim.
"What's in you to break? You don't even have any ribs!" said Rainbow Dash.
"Or a spine... or a collarbone... come to think of it, I'm a gelatin sculpture with a squeedily-spooch!" Zim ran up to Dash. "Hit me, go on, I won't feel a thing."
Dash kicked Zim in his stomach area, where his unprotected squeedily-spooch rested, Zim keeled over and coughed loudly, then he perked up. "Didn't hurt! HA HA!"
"FRIENDSHIP PAWNCH!" Dash shouted, and she glide-kicked Zim into the wall, making a large hole.
"That DID hurt!" said Zim.
GIR had fully recovered, and walked into the living room to watch the 2005 adaptation of The Producers while Zim and Dash battled with Mortal- nay, VORTAL Combat playing in the background, that's much cooler than Mortal Kombat, and fitting, too.
-Part 4: Bombs?-
Back at the apartment, every apartment in the same horizontal location as Kat's and Lee's apartment was crumbling to the ground, thanks to the velocity of the corpse of Mr. Adoosh, everyone had to jump out the window and sidle onto another building before the apartment was reduced to rubble.
At this, Lee abruptly shouted to Percy that it was his dad's fault.
"That's a very indirect accusation, Mr. Jefferson," said Percy irritably. "First off, I am one of several sons of Poseidon, and therefore you have plenty to blame, my good brother Tyson, for instance, and even he has the brain capacity to know that it isn't his fault. Second, Poseidon gave horses free will, and therefore, if you give something free will, it wont be your fault for any of the consequences. Third, it wasn't even that pegasus' fault, it was because Hades likes to [CENSORED BY HUB] with people and thought it would be funny if he rose the apartment building up a good five feet, and it's not her fault that the nitroglycerin was there either, in fact, because the guys who had the nitroglycerin are over in the office building. So, in a way, this is all Mr. Adoosh's fault!"
"Wow, that was very educational for me, thank you, Percy," said Lee. "But we're still homeless, and data points aren't going to help us with that."
"My moments of genius are wasted on you," Percy grumbled.
Kat still had the television, Claire had been exploring present day for most of the episode, Hector's face was now beyond repair, and his entire left side was completely gored. Mr Muffin had completely ignored Percy's speech and realized that more than half of his assigned targets were in the office building. Mittens was still sleeping on Sam, who had to keep the cat stable on her stomach whilst sidling over to the building that they were standing on top of.
Mr Muffin carried two ferret-scale Uzis in his stubby ferret hands and made his way over to the office building while Kat wasn't looking.
"I think I'm going to go bomb that office building now," said Lee. He put his bucket hat on and jumped off of the building. "I should have done this LONG ago!"
"Wait, Lee!" said Hector.
Lee turned to face Hector.
"You are forgetting that there are innocent ponies in there, ponies with fans! Fans that will write angry reviews if you kill the poor Equestrian abominations!"
"You fool, you are forgetting that ponies can't die! They are the PROTOTYPE of internet fandoms! They can survive a freaking nuclear bomb!" Lee shouted. "SOYLENT GREEN IS PURPLE!"
"What?" said Hector.
"Sorry, movie reference tourettes, FAREWELL!" with that, Lee ran to the office building like the pilgrim terrorist he was.
"I never thought that Lee of all people would be a terrorist," said Sam.
"Here's something else, bronies to haters are like assassins to templars," said Hector.
"Wha-?"
"It was a crappy book idea the author had a couple months ago, filled up too much on Assassin's Creed."
Over in the magical cluster[CENSORED BY HUB] land of Olympus, Zeus was waiting impatiently for a controller of weather to arrive to carry out his request to make it snow in the middle of August. "Dammit, I'm not paying these people five bucks a minute for nothing! I am really getting sick of having to eat an entire freaking cloud every day I want to make it rain and spit it out over the city! WHAT THE [CENSORED BY HUB] AM I PAYING THEM FOR?"
"I think it's because the only controller of weather in the entire district is all the way in Earthtown and completely oblivious to the fact that you hired her," said Poseidon.
"How did you know that?" Zeus asked.
"I read the story up to this point, sinking ocean liners and creating different breeds of horse gets boring after a while," said Poseidon.
"So it does... so it does... WAIT A MINUTE, you mean to say that you created a horse that can control the weather without my permission?" said Zeus.
"Hey, it's not the first time someone broke the rules, Mister I'm-gonna-mate-with-a-mortal-because-I-need-an-air-of-power-every-once-in-a-while, Mister I'm-gonna-have-a-baby-that-can-shoot-lightning-out-of-her-hands."
"Well you did the same sort of thing a couple years after!"
"That's because someone dared me to do it, and I got plenty a gold drachma out of it, thank you very much," said Poseidon. "It was also because I sorta had to, with that whole prophecy and such."
"But-but- COMMUNISM!" said Zeus.
"You didn't come up with that, Ares did," said Poseidon.
"Leave me OUT OF THIS!" said Ares from his room as he continued playing Call of Duty.
"Baw!" said Zeus. "I'm gonna go eat a cloud!"
"Have fun with that! I'm gonna go watch Titanic and LAUGH THROUGH IT, LAUGH THROUGH IT!" Poseidon screamed as Zeus left to go eat some clouds.
Dionysus looked horrible, he was vomiting off the visible top of the Empire State Building and wishing that he hadn't done such a stupid thing as pull a Hogfather.
"Oh, lordy, here comes round two," said Dionysus, and he vomited with more force off of the Empire State Building, splattering some poor dude's car in bile.
"Aw, man, I'm gonna hit the bar to forget this," said the guy, and he left.
"Nooo! Not the bar!" that was when Dionysus fainted.
Back in Earthtown, GIR continued watching The Producers while Vortal Combat played on loop in the dining room as Dash and Zim fought to the death or until someone faints, in which they would be injected with adrenaline and have to continue fighting until they were beaten beyond recognition, eat your heart out, Cupcakes!
"What the heck are we even fighting over?!" Zim shouted.
"THE INTERNET!" Dash screamed, and punted Zim into the attic.
"Understandable!" Zim shouted, and he took several more hits before he pulled out an oversized sword, over which time stood still and the sword turned into a stop sign, and whispered, "Kill them, Zim, kill them all."
"Yesss," Zim hissed, and he screamed a loud battle cry. "I AM ZIM, SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF MY EIGHT-SIDED TRIANGLE!"
"THAT'S A STOP SIGN!" Rainbow Dash screamed.
"WHO THE HELL CARES? ROUND SIX-HUNDRED-THIRTY-FOUR!" Zim threw his stop sign like a reaper's boomerang at Rainbow Dash, and, despite all the drama and come-from-behind-victory foreshadowing, it missed Dash by an inch without her flinching.
"Riiight."
The Equestrian punched Zim in the face in an expensive green-screen of a rushing blue background in slow motion with an invisible announcer screaming, "K.O!"
"Now you shall see my tr- my true for- ah shit," Zim crawled to reach for his stop sign, and before Dash could get the chance to defeat an Irken Invader, she was punted out the window and onto the grass.
"ALIENS RULE, BABEH!" Zim screamed out the window. "NOBODY CONQUERS AN IRKEN INVADER! NOBODEH!"
"I don't have time for this!" Dash shouted, and she pulled a gnome out of the ground and threw it at Zim.
The gnome hit Zim with perfect accuracy, and knocked him unconscious.
"Done, now, where the heck is Manhattan?"
Mr Muffin had gotten into the building with ease, he hadn't been seen by any of the guards that looked strangely like anthropomorphic ponies, he searched and searched the floor until he found one of his targets in the cafeteria. He hid in a bowl of caesar salad and conversed with the chef, who also looked like an anthropomorphic pony.
"In my country, I was attorney-general," said Mr Muffin grimly.
"Interesting, I once fed someone a cupcake that knocked them out, then I vivisected them while injecting them with adrenaline so that they wouldn't faint from blood loss," said the chef cheerily.
"I did that sort of thing once, I cut off this guy's limbs, drowned him in his own blood, and locked him in a room with nothing but the pictures of his family that he would never see again," said Mr Muffin.
"Jeez, that's not even funny, mine was funny because it was a Cupcakes reference, but yours was just sad, very sad," the chef said.
"Here comes my target now," said Mr Muffin.
The target was an elderly man who worked on a drug trade in '62, he came to America for a better life, and that better life is soon to be drastically shortened.
"What would you like, sir?" asked the chef.
"Do you have any Soylent Green?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Very well," said the target. "I'll just leave then."
"NOT SO FAST, MR PIDD!" shouted Mr Muffin, and he jumped on Mr Pidd's head, firing several rounds deep into his head before he fell to the ground.
"That's one down, thirty-eight to go," said Mr Muffin.
Lee walked cheerfully up to the second floor of the office building, completely unaware of the metal detectors in the large doorway.
In the room from which the one way mirror was, two guard-ponies saw Lee come up the stairs, and at the first beep, the both of them screamed, "BOMB! HE'S GOT A BOMB!"
"Get him on the ground!" shouted a pony dressed up as one of the Navy SEALs.
More of that sort of pony came out of nowhere (or the ceiling, whichever you think is more realistic) and tackled Lee to the ground.
"Oh my god- oh my god, that bomb isn't even proportional to the height of this floor! Where the hell is he hiding it?" shouted one of the guard ponies.
Lee cackled loudly, and he whispered, "Grapefruit."
In the cafeteria, as Mr Muffin was walking away from his kill, he noticed a gargantuan wall of flaming businessmen blowing out of the door.
From his point of view, time slowed down, Mr Muffin started noticing targets. With every passing tenth-second, a new box appeared over a different businessman, reading "TARGET FOUND"
In a 300-style slow-motion movement, Mr Muffin pulled out a sword built for a ferret, and eliminated each target individually by stabbing each of the businessmen in the heart to the tune of war music with a bass noise every time Mr Muffin eliminated a target. This all happened while the businessmen, the chef, and the ferret were carried by a wall of flames to the other side of the cafeteria.
"I DON'T DESERVE THIS!" screamed the chef as it was tossed out of the building, making a five-foot hole in the shape of a pony with a chef hat in the wall.
"Just- one- more!" said Mr Muffin, he ejected a hidden blade from a little patch on his forearm and aimed to stab his unconscious target where the pretty little X appeared on his sunglasses (did we mention he was wearing sunglasses? Think the ones from the "Deus Ex" series).
"YAAARGH!" Mr Muffin screamed this as he lightly grazed the top of his target's head with his hidden blade, and was tossed through the pony-shaped hole in the wall right before the whole building caved in and created a beautiful orange-based mushroom cloud with a ring of bloodstained smoke around it.
The sky rained charred organs, submachine guns, and ponies (still alive and well, of course). Some of the charred organs telekinetically went into the mushroom cloud, and after a full set went in, Lee shot out of the top of the mushroom cloud and landed in a pile of old newspapers that were being searched for anything that could possibly endanger the operation.
That was when Lee realized that the businessmen had stopped owning the building yesterday, and it had belonged to the ponies. He also realized that he didn't care, and was hungry, and he picked up an ever-so-convenient bowl of nachos, and began the process of consuming one, when somepony held a Colt Python to the back of his head- with its hooves, too, not its mouth, as they had established an ESHAZPEFCaMD (Equestrian Science Hoofheld Artificial Zero Point Energy Field Creation and Manipulation Device).
"Give. Me. Those. Nachos."
Without looking, Lee handed the generic magenta pony from earlier the nachos that he found, then he turned around. "I am very sorry for the mess, I assure you that this terrorist act was completely moral and I honestly didn't think that the building itself would be destroyed by a bomb capable of destroying anything within a third-mile radius."
"Oh no, don't worry, the building wasn't important to us, I just wanted some nachos," an intact alluminum table held a cup of fruit punch, the pony decided she would take that as well, but Lee slapped its hoof away.
"NO. That's my fruit punch," said Lee.
"Very well, duel to the death for it?"
"I couldn't think of a better way!" Lee said happily, and he noticed a stop sign that had just planted itself on the ground, it appeared to have been thrown, Lee hoisted the sign out of the ground.
"BEHOLD YOUR IMPENDING DOOM AT THE HANDS OF MY EIGHT-SIDED TRIANGLE!" Lee screamed.
"No," said the pony.
Lee sighed. "SHRIEK AT YOUR IMPENDING DOOM AT THE HANDS OF MY EIGHT-SIDED TRIANGLE!"
"I don't wanna!" the pony shouted.
Lee groaned. "SQUEAK AT YOUR IMPENDING DOOM AT THE HANDS OF MY EIGHT-SIDED TRIANGLE!"
"Nope," said the pony, with its neck stretched out and wearing a hard hat.
Lee growled. "ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF MY EIGHT-SIDED TRIANGLE!"
"Maybe..." said the pony.
"Oh, screw it," Lee punted the pony into a chunk of destroyed wall, which crumbled over and crushed the fragile being. "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?"
"I'm horrible!" said the pony. "And I'm also pissed!"
"Do you need a bandage or anything?"
"I need a [CENSORED BY HUB] paramedic!"
"All right!" Lee pulled out his cell phone, which was actually one of the huge ones from the 80's that gave you cancer, and dialed for an ambulance.
"Hey, Mr. Paramedic Man, it's Lee, no, not without a last name anymore, I found out my last name's actually Jefferson! Nifty, huh? Anyway, I'm just going to let you know that I have a severely crushed Equestrian being in front of me. No, not emotionally, and not in an interdimensional time portal incident, a mere explosion. Yes, I caused it, yes, I did die in the process, and yes, it was a generic minor character from My Little Pony. If I pay extra, can you dig her out of the rubble? I'm having a hard day. You know, one of those days that starts with a torrential rain storm, and some jerk took the rest of the coffee in the pot, and ends with a... large... explosion, that kind of day. You will? Thanks, man, you're the best," Lee turned off his cancer-giving cell phone and stuffed it down his throat. "All right, Missus... Sparkleypoo, I just called you an ambulance."
"No you didn't!" shouted the Equestrian from beneath the rubble.
"Very well," said Lee, then he cleared his throat, and teasingly pointed at the rubble while shouting, "YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE! YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE! YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE! YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE! YOU'RE AN-" the television from earlier flew off the top of the leveled Loctat Knight apartment building and knocked Lee to the ground. "Ambulance!"
-PART 5: Angry Empty Box-
Zeus finally finished eating the last cloud in the sky, and began spitting it out off the top of the Empire State Building to make it snow.
Rainbow Dash, who had been completely blinded by the enormous explosion that Lee created, flew top-speed into the stomach of the giant, who now, instead of spitting snow, started Shoop-Da-Whooping snow.
"BLAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Zeus as he turned Manhattan into a Little Alaska.
"OH MY GOD- I EXPLODED!" Dash shouted, still blind, and flew in circles, screaming.
"PAWNCH!" Zeus shouted, and he PAWNCHed Rainbow Dash over to the pile of rubble that was once an office building.
Meanwhile, a man who was obsessed with hunting anything that flies was just taking a stroll after he blew up an airplane with a sniper rifle. "Those turbines were hard ones to shoot."
Then the man saw Rainbow Dash flying by and screaming. "By god! I've finally found it! The winged pastel-colored bug-eyed rainbow-featured pony that smells like Skittles!"
"-AAAAA- I DON'T SMELL LIKE SKITTLES- AAAAAAA-!"
"That TALKS!" shouted the hunter, and he pulled out a sniper rifle and pulled a small lever near the trigger, putting several smaller scopes up against the main one, making the shot to be as precise as possible, then he pushed a button that activated the aimbot hack he installed. "Thank goodness that my sniper rifle runs on the Source engine!"
"-AAAAAAAA- YOU HACKING JERK, YOU RUIN THE GAME FOR EVERYONE- AAAAAAAAAA-"
"And it has a sense of morality! Brilliant! I'll make MEELIONS!" shouted the hunter.
"AAAAAA- wait a minute, MEELions?" Dash literally air-braked her falling process. "You're pronouncing it wrong, it's MILLions."
"Bull crap, it's MEELions!" said the hunter.
"No, the word 'millions' has a long terminology of why it's spelled and pronounced the way it is, whereas 'MEELions' isn't even in the frickin' DICTIONARY!"
This, I believe, was the part where she lost her temper. In the process, the camera was obliterated, so we had to redo the whole thing with the merchandise that we never get to sell.
The camera overlooked a table with an action figure for the hunter and one of the old Rainbow Dash toys.
"Rah!" said a guy who just threw the Rainbow Dash toy at the action figure.
"Ah- I'm dead," said the same guy in a deeper voice.
And now back to the real show, where Rainbow Dash is actually still beating the crap out of the hunter.
A prompt above the screen read, "Y: CONSUME" with the "Y" being a yellow letter in a light-yellow circle. The caption sat there for a while while Dash continued to beat the crap out of the hunter, then it started hitting Dash in the back repeatedly, but she remained oblivious as she crushed the hunter up against a brick wall, then picked up the caption and cut the hunter in half with the sharp letters. "YOU FAIL!"
"Hey! That's my job!" said Alex Mercer from across the street.
"That's your side, this is my side, now stop talking or I'll turn you into a pony!" shouted Rainbow Dash.
"I'd like to see you try!" said Alex Mercer.
"Yeah! I'd pay money to see that happen!" said James Heller, who had popped up next to Alex.
"Go away, please, I'm not racist, just go, your section of New York to destroy is over at Grand Central," said Alex.
Then a bunch of little white icons appeared at the bottom of the screen.
"Oh would you look at that, Toybox icons," said James.
The icons turned green and popped off of the screen like popcorn, and the camera now faces the iron sight of the 9mm pistol that spawned on Dash's hoof.
'"Oh, look at that, that's a pretty gun," said Alex.
Rainbow Dash shot Alex, and he transformed into an Equestrian with almost no frames of difference.
We did this by asking the actor for Alex to step off the stage for a bit, then we put his stunt double on the stage and blew him up, computer generated imaging removes organs and charred limbs miraculously well, and then we put an Equestrian who we injected with the PROTOTYPE virus on the stage.
"Oh, well that was surprising, you actually did it, well done," said the Mercer pony, or as we will call him uncreatively instead of ZEUS, POSEIDON.
"That's dumb, I thought you would be a lot angrier," said Rainbow Dash.
"Oh no, I'm pissed, I'm just gonna wait until later to release my rage in a really cool and exciting way," said POSEIDON. "Like now."
POSEIDON picked James up and punched him into orbit. "Now I feel much better."
Back on top of the unnamed building, Kat stared into an empty box that she found next to a giant bar of plutonium about the size of Mr Muffin.
"I swear, I saw this thing move," said Kat.
"You've hallucinated before, it's probably nothing," said Hector.
"It snarled at me! I know it!" Kat screamed. She picked up the box and held it in the place she supposed a box would have its neck. "WHAT ARE YOU?"
"GAH! THOSE ARE MY GENITALS!" screamed the box.
Kat threw the box on the ground. "WHAT ARE YOU?!"
"I'm your worst nightmare," said the box. It pulled out a knife. "This knife is a gun filled with more knives that shoot bullets full of cyanide delicately spliced with gas particles."
"So, it's a gunsword?" Kat asked.
"No, it's a knifegunbulletpoisongas," said the box. "Also comes with an incredibly useful and durable TOOTH PICK!"
"If it has a serated blade that can kill a man before he can scream, I'll buy it," said Kat.
"There are currently two collectible blades to this knife, clean throat-slitting, which is out now," the box telekinetically switched the blade out for a large, gorily serated blade. "And for the bloodthirsty, an enormous serated blade that can sever limbs and cut through bones in seconds!"
"I already have something like that, I call it the Reaper's Boomerang," said Hector, who immediately threw a small scythe at the weak cardboard box, a wire from the scythe quickly sliced 1.5 millimeters into the thin thickness of the box skin and pumped it full of nitroglycerin (nitroglycerin is best pressure-based explosive).
The Reaper's Boomerang finished its first duty, and pumped the box with an unnamed element we'll just call "liquid fire" and clipped the wire off of itself before the liquid fire could reach the box and shot back into Hector's hand.
"SON OF A BIT-" the box exploded, the blade it was holding impaled the metal an inch from Sam's face, which woke Mittens.
"What'd I miss?" the cat asked as Sam scooped the cat off of her stomach and got up.
"Nothing," said Kat, who picked up the knife, flicked a switch that sent the blade back into its socket, and hid it in her jacket. "Nothing at all."
-Part 6: Beef-
Deep within the BOWELS of the earth, miles away from our heroes, Zim and GIR drank some delicious Irken-converted POOP Cola as they wrote their future plans for world domination.
"All right, GIR, here's our plan, first we find the chickens, put them on our heads, dance the Irken dance of the DOOM gods, throw the chickens into car compactors, and because the chickens will jam the car compactors, the compactors will break and sputter, and with two car compactors destroyed out of thousands, people will ask why it had to be their compactors, then assume it's a conspiracy against their towns, causing mass hysteria and terrorism, and because we are in greater New York, the word will be spread, and we will have people jumping out of buildings, commiting suicide, burning landmarks to the ground, cats and filthy earth dogs living together, and finally, a nuclear bomb as dessert to this dinner of chaos. It can't POSSIBLY FAIL!"
"Why can't we just nuke them now?" GIR asked, a twinge of duty mode in his eyes.
"PA-LEASE, GIR, LEAVE THE PLANNING TO THE PROFESSIONALS!" Zim shouted.
"Hello," said Fluttershy from behind Zim and GIR.
Zim turned on his heel and protected his computer with his arms. "GREAT BLORCH, how did you get here?" Zim asked.
"I... took the elevator," said Fluttershy, pointing to the unguarded elevator in the corner of the room.
"Why are you here?" Zim asked suspiciously.
"I just want you to like, know that you could totally get more chaos in the air if you, er, used more chickens," Fluttershy said cheerily.
"By the Tallest, you're RIGHT!" Zim shouted, then he wheeled a random chalkboard into the room from off-camera. "For if we multiply the earlier number of two chickens by six million, we'll have enough for every car and trash compactor in every junkyard of the entire state of New York!"
"Pardon me, but how do you expect to do that?"
"WITH THE DNA IN THEIR HAY!" Zim pointed to the chalkboard, which read 'key: arse data' "HA HA HA! HA HA HA!" Zim shouted.
"I could help you with that," said Fluttershy.
"Excellent, I want you to go to a farm and eat some hay that a chicken has sat in, we will extract a saliva sample and use the cloner from there," Zim said. "Now that's SAT in, not SHAT in."
"Got it," said Fluttershy, and she flew up out of the trash bin that Zim uses as an elevator.
"World domination is only minutes from our greasy, eager palms, GIR! Soon, we shall be the men in charge, not these smelly HYOOMANS."
"GREASY!" GIR screamed.
Fluttershy cheerily soared through the air over to the nearest farm and landed, she had a look at her surroundings. "Now, what was it he wanted..?"
In Fluttershy's mind, Zim spoke to her in a white void. "FLUTTERSHY, WE WANT YOU TO GO THE BARNHOUSE AND EAT-!"
"Ah, my mind-ears!" Fluttershy squeaked. "I guess I'll just have to eat anything that doesn't have to do with chickens."
Meanwhile, back where Lee and "Ms. Sparklypoo" were sitting with bored looks in their eyes and playing a friendly game of Checkers outside in knee-deep snow (again, in August) and having a conversation.
"...I'm just saying that pegasi and unicorns were meant to be serious creatures, I have no idea why just because it's horse-based or winged, it's gotta be girly, when unicorns in mythology would use their horns to impale their enemies, and pegasi were vehicles for demigods to go across the battleground without being interrupted by a pesky melee weapon, and HORNED pegasi were a gem in battle, a Swiss army knife in horse form."
"I can't say anything other than that I agree with you, honestly, things are so inverted lately, pink is a gender-neutral color, used to disarm the enemy, and horses are battle beings! Not a petting zoo attraction, not 'Oh look, it's an animal from which a soldier would shoot and stab his worst enemy, I'M GONNA PET IT'!"
"I really do think that bronies have the right idea, they know what is a pony and what is a tiny baby petting target," said Lee.
There was a disturbing crunching noise, and POSEIDON surfed by on the corpse of a police officer. "SOVIET RUSSIA, BEETCHES!"
"Keep up the good work! It's not like you're supposed to save New York or something!" Lee shouted.
"[CENSORED BY HUB] you!" shouted POSEIDON from a distance.
"Idiot," said Sparklypoo.
Within the brilliant exposed-wiring lair of ZIM, Fluttershy clumsily fell down the elevator shaft to bring Zim her saliva sample.
"Excellent," said Zim as he used an eyedropper to remove a droplet of saliva from Fluttershy's tongue. "And now, as men like gods- nay, titans, we shall create life to destroy it."
Zim placed the sample inside a blender-shaped mechanism with the trademark magenta-purple-and-white tint that his lair gave off. "We shall conquer it, we shall scatter it..."
Zim connected the blender to a plug attached to a giant apparatus in his base that looked like a nuclear power plant funnel, and just as mighty. "We shall crush it, we shall consume it, we shall blind it," Zim switched on the blender device, which began solidifying the DNA molecules and sending segments into the industrial-sized cloner. "We shall dominate it."
"And this is chaos..." said GIR, once more in duty mode.
"A little... overdramatic, don't you think?" said Fluttershy.
Zim stared back at Fluttershy for a bit. "Nah."
The main industrial cloning machine was what Zim supposed only a sixth of its way full when it released a loud Klaxon.
"WHAT?" Zim shouted. "Piece of junk! You have all this space and can't fill yourself to the brim? 'OVERLOAD ERROR'? BAH! Garbage, a load of old tosh! WORK, DAMN YOU!" Zim kicked the machine, and a hatch opened in the container that let hundreds and hundreds of cows out of the device.
Zim screamed, "BEEEEEEEEF!"
"A-HA-HA!" GIR laughed maniacally while breakdancing. "Dance with me, cows! DANCE WITH MEH!"
"We have to get out now, GIR!" Zim shouted, and he grabbed both GIR and Fluttershy (completely fazed by the many, many cows) and ran to the Voot. It was a little cramped with the extra passenger, but not quite as cramped as it was a year ago when he had to go to space with a boy who couldn't die, three other Irkens, a Wiccan wannabe, a prophet, a girl with back-to-front speech-based dyslexia, a cat, a black-footed ferret, and a miniature SIR unit to stop a bunch of internet memes from bringing down the Irken Empire.
Zim leaned into a crater in the back of the driver's seat, which took his PAK for him.
"PAK identified, now pumping all vital nutrients into cockpit," said the identification AI for Zim's Voot cruiser.
Zim drove the Voot cruiser up through the floor, rather than taking the specified hole in the wall used for exit that was a mere eight feet away at the cost of a small amount of precision.
"WOO!" GIR shouted.
"Doomed, doomed, our whole operation is DOOMED!" Zim screamed.
"I am so sorry," said Fluttershy.
"Daw, I'm not mad at you, I'm just gonna bottle my rage and save it for a key moment where it'll prove useful," said Zim as he tussled Fluttershy's mane.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't do that."
"I CAN DO WHATEVER I [CENSORED BY HUB] WANT, YOU FREAKIN' HORSE!" Zim screamed, then he cleared his throat and stopped petting the pony. "Sorry you had to hear that, I was planning to use that in more of a battle than a conversation."
"Well you succeeded in scaring the hay out of me, so that's one mystery solved," said Fluttershy.
"Indeed," said Zim. "And now we're off to the safehouse of Irken SAFETY DOOM!"
"If I may ask, why do you like to say 'doom' so much?" then Fluttershy mouthed it a few times. "Nevermind, I get it now."
"Again! Again!" GIR shouted happily as the Voot left the ruins of Zim's magnificent base.
"No, GIR, the cows aren't our friends, we have to kill them now, because they have been genetically engineered to destroy buildings," Zim began his explanation. "You see, the chicken command for walking into a car compactor is the same as the cow command for suicide bombing a building, and therefore, they will find the tallest and most occupied buildings they can, and blow them up."
"That's creepy, it's scary, and- wow, that's scary," said Fluttershy, in a sort of imitative version of the guy on Valve News Network when he was talking about the sentry buster in "Mann vs. Machine."
"That might sound like a good thing, but we really NEED those buildings, they're our only satellite towers for transmitting our demands to the human FREAKSHOWS when we finally take over, not to mention that if we destroy the buildings, the humans will have no reason to live here and will therefore move to an area in which we cannot fully track them down and enslave them."
"Is it just me, or did we just jump the shark?" said Fluttershy.
"You think this is jumping the shark? I'll tell you when we've jumped the shark," said Zim as they flew over to Manhattan as the stampede sped on behind them.
"I'm pretty sure we're close to it, though-"
"Like death, I don't want to be reminded of the inevitability of jumping the shark, okay?" Zim growled. "Jeez."
GIR, in all this, had been humming the music that plays whenever you travel to another country in "Destroy All Humans 2."
"Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!"
"See, if they'd been listening to that, they would get the mood, but because they read it, they're just thinking 'What the f*ck?' That's why we need to stop copying song lyrics into fan fiction," said Fluttershy.
"Hang on, here's one," said Zim, completely ignoring Fluttershy. "My little phony, full of baloney, isn't the world such a horrible fake? My little phony, full of baloney, everyone has a pasted smile on their face!"
"You are so insensetive," said Fluttershy.
"Hey, I'm an Irken, I'm supposed to "IRK" people, it's my job," said Zim.
-Part 7: A Demon Rises, Throws Cows at Buildings-
Meanwhile, the superhero that we decided not to mention until now, Captain Mustache, was watching over the city from atop the Empire State Building, he was actually just a guy with a top hat, a suit, a cane, and a really awesome mustache-goatee combo.
"My mustache detects no danger," said the man heroically as he stroked his magnificent, shiny, black mustache. "I'm gonna go hit the bar."
"Dammit, no!" screamed Dionysus. "Does ANYONE feel any pity for me?"
Mustache Man looked back at Mr D. "You were a dick in the books," with that, Mustache Man jumped off of the building and used his coat to glide safely to the ground.
"Dammit! I'm a god! I don't deserve this torment!" screamed Dionysus.
"BLAAAAAA- yes, you do- AAAAAAAAAA-" said Zeus from a distance, still vomiting snow.
"You stay out of- BLAAAAAAGH!" Dionysus was interrupted by his own vomiting. "DAMMIT, HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF?"
Meanwhile, miles away, from beneath his undeserved grave, Andrew, the main character-turned antagonist from Chronicle, hopped right out of the hole, no theatrics. All on a single man-carried camera of course, thanks to our invisible mute cameraman, Bob.
"God, death looks so boring, I sure as hell am glad I can't die!" said Andrew, then he looked at the gaping hole in his stomach. "Gonna have to get that fixed up, though."
With that, Andrew flew off to New York so he could tip over the Empire State Building.
Agent 47 from the Hitman series saw this happen as he took his evening stroll, and decided that, since he wasn't in the business anymore, he could go ahead and kill whoever he damn well wanted to.
That's right, the story is now a Prototype of The Chronicle of My Little Invader Hitman From LYOKO and the Olympians With Kat and Lee: Source. Because it ends in Source, the rest of this will contain video game based jokes.
Kat practiced stabbing at a wall with the new knife that she had looted from the dead box, it went through bricks like warm butter, steel like flimsy plastic, glass like ice.
Hector tossed his Reaper's Boomerang into the sky as he whistled tunelessly as his lack of home could not be ignored, and therefore must be partially ignored so as to make way for the eternal pit of bloodthirsty serial killing that Hector had in store for everyone directly or indirectly responsible for the destruction of his house, this began, of course, with Rainbow Dash, and he would work his way backward from there.
Meanwhile, Lee had a horrible stomach ache, and was vomiting blood with a disturbing parasite on his neck consuming whatever was left of it.
"Jeez, how much blood can someone have?" said Sparklypoo, who had been waiting for the past half hour for Lee to finish his vomiting and continue playing checkers.
"So far, I've counted HERRRRRAAALGH sixty three point nine nine nine nine gallons," said Lee, his face covered in blood, but because certain ponies were unfamiliar with the concept of blood, we just told them it was thick tomato juice that had some cranberry juice in it.
"Hey guys, what's going on?" said Rainbow Dash, carefully stepping around the puddle of blood, and looking at Lee. "That tomato juice that your mouth is farting smells funny."
"That's because it's not toma- HAAAAAARRRLGHH!" Lee tossed cookies (moreso cookie nutrients and other foods converted into his blood stream through stomach acid) at Rainbow Dash. "Sorry."
"If it's not tomato juice, then what the heck is it?" said Rainbow Dash, sniffing the concoction on her hoof.
"It's b-"
"Berry juice, cranberry juice, really thick cranberry juice," said Sparklypoo. "I'm sorry that you can't drink it now, if it's mouth-farted then it's poisonous."
Rainbow Dash sighed and whiped her hoof on the snow. "For some reason, I think it's much worse than that."
That was when Zim, GIR, and Fluttershy landed next to the group. "Good evening, earth-abomination and interdimensional slaves!"
"...Evening?" said Rainbow Dash.
GIR hopped out of the Voot cruiser and ran up to Lee. "Oh boy! Poisonous thick mouthfart cranberry juice! My favor-"
Lee vomited on GIR, covering him in unusable blood. GIR's eyes flashed to duty mood.
"Someone get this off of me," said GIR, disgusted.
"That's earth for you, you know you're there when a diseased kid with a death handicap begins vomiting poisonous blood on everyone," said Zim, hopping down after GIR and bloodying his boots.
Fluttershy was careful to make sure she flew over this whole scene, as she was one of the few ponies who knew the difference between blood and cranberry juice. "I always thought that was Dementia."
"Dementia is an entirely different story, we'll cross that space highway when we travel to it," said Zim, waving Fluttershy's statement away.
"Wait a minute- did you say that this was blood?" said Rainbow Dash, pointing to Zim.
"Keep those infected paws away from me, you trespassing roof-crushing Equestrian abomination," said Zim, dusting his shirt with his fingers as if Rainbow Dash had touched it with her bloodied hoof.
That was when Twilight teleported into view. "ABOMINATION?"
"Oh boy, unison time!" said Lee, and he began reading into Twilight's brain and vice versa to make sure the both of them would remain in-character if one said everything the other did.
The both of them began shouting, "LISTEN, YOU PESKY GREEN SPACE WORM, WE ARE A MAGNIFICENT SPECIES AND TAKE EXTREME OFFENSE FROM SUCH A COMMENT, I COULD DESTROY YOU WITH A THOUGHT! A THOUGHT, YOU FREAK!"
"Wonderful insults and threats, I would have warned you of horrible tidings and how to repair them, but you seem to be busy getting upset with me," said Zim, then he picked up GIR. "So I'll just go and live in space while the rest of you live in a cow-filled DOOM, then I'll come back down and take the scraps."
"Cow-filled doom? Please, cows don't cause doom as far as I know, just commotion," said Twilight.
"You earth-dogs are so ignorant, cows are coming in from Earthtown and suicide bombing buildings, that's what they DO in Earthtown, in New York, they don't seem to exist, and in Equestria all they do is stampede," said Zim. "And I admit that I am an idiot, because I just told you what kinda excrement is going to make physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device."
"Uhh, WHAT?" said Rainbow Dash.
"You poor confused child, trapped for eternity with a limited vocabulary that only goes up to words that the average human fourth-grader would have known if he was stranded on an island since age eight," said Zim.
Rainbow Dash then decided that she was very much pissed, and pulled out a gun. "What are you talking about?"
"He's saying that you're stupid and that when the shit hit's the fan we're all screwed unless we know how to stop cow suicide bombers!" said Sparklypoo.
"Thank you," said Rainbow Dash, and she put the gun away, then she punted Zim so high into the air that he saw the curvature of the earth, then pointed in anger. "NOBODY CALLS ME STUPID AND GET'S AWAY WITH IT!"
Rainbow Dash flew into the sky and punched Zim into the ground at escape velocity, thankfully for him, it had snowed enough to cushion his fall, and we won't be seeing what Irken blood looks like, but it also created a blast radius that splattered bloody snow all over the rest of the group, just as Rarity had walked into the screen.
"What is this? Is that cranberry juice?" she asked.
"No, it's bl-" Lee began.
"BLUEBERRY JUICE!" screamed Sparklypoo.
"It's the reddest blue I've ever seen."
"He's trying to tell you that it's bloo-" Zim began.
"FROM FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS! SAY HI, BLOO!" Sparklypoo desperately shouted, and in a nasally-sounding voice with just a twinge of a Western accent, she said, "Hi, everybody, right now I'm everywhere! It's so painful that I'm happy!"
"That's kinda creepy, what happened to the old Bloo?" said Rarity.
"He died in a fire," said Lee. "AND THIS IS BLOOD!"
"Oh, BLOOD, that's good, it's an excellent shade of red with white, especially when it's rejected by the human body!"
"You're scaring me," said Sparklypoo.
"Fashion doesn't have to be calming, my dear Sparklypoo, it's just gotta make people look like Cap'n Crunch!" Rarity teased.
"Rarity, stop talking, you're seriously scaring me right now," said Sparklypoo.
"You think that's scary? Haven't you ever read Cupcakes?" said Lee.
"No, and neither have you, so stop making references to it," said Sparklypoo.
"Very well, oh ruler of the free universe," said Lee.
"SHADDUP!" Zim shouted. "We've been talking for too long, when are we going to go back to the miserable sliver of storyline that we have for plot?"
"When are you going to stop acting like some kind of poet every time you speak like how Doctor Breen talks through his city broadcasts?" said Lee.
"When shut up," said Zim.
"That joke is lame," said Lee.
"You're lame, THIS WHOLE COURT IS LAME!" said Zim, and he climbed out of his crater in the ground. "Now do you want me to dig you out of there, or are you just going to try to dig out of there when three of you don't have fingers and one of you has probably lost them with all the blood they spat out today?"
A cow flew into a convenience store and blew it up.
"Wow, I didn't know they could fly," said Zim, turning his head a full 180 degrees to see the explosion.
"I sense my thunder being stolen!" said Rainbow Dash, still very close to exiting the atmosphere.
"And I don't know how anyone can expect that I can hear that far," said Zim.
Rainbow Dash flew down to Zim at ludicrous speed (causing a plaid trail to follow her rather than a rainbow one) and screamed in his antenna, "HOW ABOUT THIS? CAN YOU HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR RIGHT NOW?"
"GAAAH- THAT MOVIE WAS AWESOME, AND YES I CAN HEAR YOU!" screamed Zim.
"Good, now tell me who's stealing my thunder," said Rainbow Dash.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm deaf now and I can't hear a word you're saying," said Zim, and he curled up in a ball while muttering, "Slenderman, slenderman, slenderman, slenderman..."
"Very well," said Rainbow Dash, and she walked up to the snow pile. "Any of you know?"
There was the sound of flapping paper, Lee replied, "Sorry, we were playing go-fish, what was that?"
"WHO. THE HECK. IS STEALING. MY THUNDER?" with each syllable, Dash punched a hole in the snow pile with her hoof, hitting the three ponies and one complete bozo that stood inside of the drift.
Lee opened a door in the snow and shut it. "I think it's that dork, up there." Lee pointed to a floating teenager in hospital clothes who was using telekinesis to throw cows at buildings.
"This is more fun than GMod!" said the teenager as he tossed another cow at the Empire State Building.
"Ooh, flying and psychokinesis, now that's neat, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK!" screamed Twilight.
"Why does everyone suddenly have an even more insane quality about them?" said Lee.
"No offense, but on this plane, everyone gets just a LITTLE bit crazier than the average Equestrian, or twenty percent more insane, if you want to be memetic about it," said Rarity, then she looked at Lee's clothes, which were like those of a scarecrow. "You look great, by the way."
"Why thank y- HEEEEEEY!" said Lee.
Sparklypoo and Rainbow Dash laughed their pastel-colored asses off at this joke while Twilight began a battle of will with Andrew, in which there was a red circuit of electricity and a blue circuit of electricity, and little white bulbs going along these circuits. These circuits connected to the brain of the enemy, or in Twilight's case, her entire body, as ponies don't have bones, organs, muscles, or blood, they're just piles of adorable stem cells that are capable of everything (yes, those are controversial, but whoever cares clearly shouldn't be reading fanfiction, they should be going out being the SCIENTISTS they always dreamed of being, if to show so much concern for freakin' cells).
The will battle popped.
"Screw this, I'll just kill you with fire," said Twilight, then she threw Blaze (the pony from earlier with the submachine gun) at Andrew, Blaze opened fire on Andrew like the badass he was, and caused him to explode, with a scoring noise and a green floating CRITICAL HIT caption above Andrew's lifeless organs, then there was a freeze frame where the friendly captons would point vitals out with things like "YOUR SPLEEN", "YOUR LIVER", and "YOUR MANHOOD" the final being almost impossible to see without the arrow pointing to it.
"Daw, I wanted to kill him!" said Rainbow Dash.
"Aren't you supposed to be like 'friends with benefits' with that guy or something?" Lee asked.
"Pfft, the budget isn't high enough for us to do non-canon and canon character pairings, trust me, you have no idea how much the Hub will charge you per minute for that sort of thing," said Rainbow Dash. "Not to mention we only paid for two appearances for that one to appear, so he can't really have a place in this story."
"This chapter is pointlessly long, isn't it?" said Sparklypoo. "I mean, I appeared fairly late in the story and I've seen enough for THREE episodes."
"Yes, but you see, your building's destroyed, Zim's base is totaled, my apartment's destroyed, and it's sort of all each other's fault. Therefore, we're going to have to live together," said Lee.
"What kind of logic proves that?" said Twilight. "At that, you haven't even shown Applejack in the story yet."
"Yeaaah, about that," said Zim. "GIR was going haywire yesterday and he started seeing everything as food, and, well..." Zim pulled out Applejack's hat.
"OH MY GOD, THEY ATE APPLEJACK!" said Rainbow Dash.
"YOU BASTARDS!" screamed Twilight.
"What are you talking about?" said Applejack, who had been sitting in the Voot the whole time. "I'm right here!"
"The idea was that GIR had chased Applejack into the house, where she shot him several times with a revolver, and somehow fixed him, then we brought her back, because I don't like her accent," said Zim.
"I'm TOTALLY FINE!" said GIR, then he screeched, "GNYAAAA- I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPEN, THE WHOLE WORLD IS EXPLODE, SO WE JUST RUNNING! RUNNING VERY FAST!"
"MindJack, that was a bad one," said Lee.
"More things ending in -jack, anyone?" said Sparklypoo.
"Hijack? Carjack?" said Lee. "Ooh! Ooh! I've got one, 'capitalization is the difference between helping your cousin Jack off the pony and helping your cousin-"
Sparklypoo shoved Applejack's hat into Lee's mouth. "That joke is overused and disgusting, I'm speaking from EXPERIENCE!"
"Shawee," said Lee, then he pulled out the hat, carefully wiped off the saliva, and placed it gently on Applejack's head. "Very, very sorry."
"And at the explanation of the length of this chapter, it's the end of the season, meaning we have to wrap up what we can," said Zim, who pulled out a list with simple pictures next to the check boxes, like in the LEGO games. "So, we have Hector seeking revenge, Kat getting a knife, Mr Muffin being a spy for the Soviets, the Mane Six getting introduced, Agent 47 looking for a target that has been obliterated, Blaze coming and going, yours truly being introduced-" Zim took a bow, "-several Prototype references, and Rainbow Dash creating the Ponytype, or POSEIDON, now all that's left is the classical music playing stick figure and Vinyl Scratch ragefully interrupting him by killing him and playing dubstep. Also, we need more production notes."
Slenderman walked by Zim, forcing him into a fetal position and repeating his name.
"Now, we play some music," Slenderman's voice sounded nasally and warped, as if he was speaking underwater, then he walked over to a convenient piano and started playing Mozart Symphony #40, 1st movement, somehow with just a piano, ain't the guy got talent?
Then Vinyl Scratch ran in with Lee's hatchet in a similar movement to the movie version of Abraham Lincoln as a vampire slayer and sliced Slenderman's head off, then she played some real music, we did this by taking the Equestrian to the movies and asking her to write down how Abraham Lincoln spins the ax with a pointless number of tricks. Slenderman, on the other hand, was entirely unknowing of the fact that he would get killed, and we killed him for the greater good.
"Check, aaand check, that was easy," said Zim. "Now where is everyone else?"
ADMIN TELEPORT
"Thank goodness for lazy plot devices," said Zim, now overlooking the whole assembled group, including Tom, who had apparently been in an escape pod looking for a parking space on earth for the past two days.
"Thanks, Zim, those space patrol dorks are always getting on my nerves," said Tom, then he went to talking to Lee. "Hey, Lee, oh, Equestrians, 'uh?"
Lee didn't say anything, he just glared at Tom for no apparent reason.
"Well, see ya later," said Tom, and he walked to an area of the group as far from Lee as possible.
"Okay, we have myself, GIR, Hector, Sparklypoo, Samantha, Mittens, Mr Muffin, Dennis, Tomas, Leeroy, Kathleen, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack, who I was framed of consuming, and I assure you I have never claimed to be so hungry that I could eat a horse. That's seventeen characters, so I'm pretty sure a lot of us are going to end up dying by the end of next season to lower confusion. It also means we'll have to take FILTHY HUMAN TRANSPORTATION instead of my magnificent Irken VOOT to get to wherever it is we're going."
"Can I kill him?" Fluttershy whispered to GIR.
"Eventually," said GIR dramatically, in duty mode.
"Is this where the season ends?" Kat asked.
"Yes, yes it is, we get on the plane to Boston in the next season," said Zim, then he looked over at Vinyl Scratch, still playing her music, then he looked over at Pinkie-Pie. "Is she going to be okay if we leave her behind?"
"I have no idea!" screamed Pinkie Pie in a German accent, and she kicked everyone into the cramped Voot using merely the powers of velocity, randomness and awesome, then she jumped into the driver's seat and closed the jar lid of a windshield, the Voot sped into a building off-camera, and on the crashing noise, the scene cut to black, and we hear the sound of a sputtering liftoff fade into the distance.
For the credits, we decided we would use "Rock My Emotions" by Kitsune^2, due to the fact that internet memes are all we can afford right now.
And because nobody gives a flying fartcicle about the credits, we just whip right on through them with the music playing at ludicrous speed, which again, left a giant trail of plaid behind.
THE END.