Doing the same thing every day - only going to school and staying in my house all the time - wasn't helping Chloe and I knew that. I wanted to get her mind off of all of the negative things that had been happening, I wanted to pull her out of that rut and get her out of the downward spiral she seemed so used to being in. I wasn't in the best mood either, all of the things regarding Chloe were heavy topics and it was like they weighed me down as I went about my day. It's hard to describe.

So, any day that we had enough time free, we would get in my car and I would drive somewhere, anywhere. She liked it. I was starting to notice more and more during these times that underneath all of the trauma and pain, she was spontaneous, adventurous and outgoing. I loved seeing her happy. It was the best thing in the world, especially when I knew that I was the one that had made her smile, or laugh, or even cause just a spark of contentment to flash behind her eyes for the briefest of moments. I tried so hard to keep her in a good mood, but it didn't work sometimes.

I tried to switch things up and keep things interesting, to keep her distracted from her depression and self-harming urges. I would take her out to eat at weird, cute little diners that I managed to find, I took her to see any movie she wanted, I took her to a few concerts, and I would drive as far as she wanted to go when we were in the car, I would honestly do anything she asked me to without slight hesitation. It was like my feelings for her wouldn't allow me to do anything different.

One day, a Saturday, I think, we got in the car like we often did and I drove onto the highway. Instead of going off in some random direction we had never gone before, I went a familiar route. And I pulled over on the side of the road - next to an old, empty drive-in-movie place. We didn't even need to say anything to one another. I noticed that we didn't exchange words about little things like some people might, we just understood one another without them. It was nice. Special.

We sat down in the same spot we had weeks and weeks before, when she had come back here after moving. It was nighttime then, we had driven for a while. After not saying anything for a good ten minutes or so, I noticed Chloe laying on her back to stare up at the stars. I joined her.

At times like this, I found it so ridiculously hard not to confess how I felt about her, even though I knew how badly it would turn out. Something inside of me just viewed it as some kind of opportunity. Instead though, I would unintentionally say things that hinted at how I felt, only noticing after the fact that it had been totally stupid and that I was an idiot. It happened a lot.

I had never stargazed with anyone before. I didn't think people actually did this, I thought that it was something that only happened in rom-coms. But there I was, laying with Chloe on this nearly unreal soft grass, the only sounds being the very distant humming of car engines. I tilted my head to have my eyes on her instead of the stars. She was much more pretty than they were. She looked so enthralled and content. The way that the starlight illuminated her face made her look even more gorgeous when I thought that was impossible.

I watched as she sighed lightly before speaking quietly, "The view is beautiful." It was almost like she was talking to herself.

"You're beautiful." I told her, unable to stop staring. I cursed myself mentally, wondering if that was weird. I knew it was stupid, but did she think anything of it?

She let out a soft chuckle, "You know, I always have this fear that one day you're gonna realize I'm not as great as you seem to think." Her words were faint but I caught every one of them.

"That's never going to happen. You don't have to worry." I tried to reassure her. It wasn't really working.

"You're not going to want me around forever, Beca." She had a smile on her face but she wasn't happy. That much was obvious.

I moved my hand to hers and intertwined our fingers together. She was cold, "How can you not see your own beauty?" It genuinely confused me. I didn't care if this might make her have suspicions about my feelings for her, I wanted to know the answer. Surely other people had told her the same thing. Then again... maybe not. She hadn't seemed to have much support throughout her life. A pang of sadness hit my heart and it physically hurt for a few seconds. I felt so bad for her.

"Because there isn't any." She uttered, still smiling for some reason. The dimness of the moonlight made it too hard to tell if her eyes were glossy, "There never has been."

I tightened my grip on her hand, her words sobering to hear, "One day, you'll have to stop hating yourself." I told her under my breath. I still couldn't look away from her, from her profile, from her smile I now interpreted as a bitter one.

"I don't know anything else."

I scooted closer to her instinctively, "Chloe, I think you're beautiful. And I wouldn't lie to you."

"You sure?" She moved her hand from mine suddenly and it made me tense, "I'm pretty sure that you just don't want me to kill myself. And that you'll say just about anything to keep me from doing it." She sat up.

I did the same, "...Do you still want to?" She didn't answer. Just fiddled with her fingers, staring down at the highway with an odd interest, "...Chloe?" I needed to her her say no. If her response was anything besides that, I didn't know what I would do. I just wanted to know she was safe. Stable. Better.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know, okay?" She sounded a little aggravated. Not really at me, more at herself. I felt bad for her, but also so protective. She probably didn't want to know just how concerned I was. It would make her feel guilty.

I sighed heavily, shakily, "Chloe, I want you here, with me. Remember what I said? I don't think I'll be able to live without you. You're such a huge part of my life now, you..." I trailed off for a second or two, contemplating on whether or not I should say what I planned. When I saw her hands clench into white-knuckles fists, and her head tilting lower down, I forced the words out, "...you are my happiness. Really."

She shut her eyes tightly for a few dragging moments, "I wish you hadn't said that..." She smiled bitterly again, "... because, what if I'm not around anymore? What'll you do?" Her voice broke on the last word.

"I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably..." I stared at her intensely, I just wanted her to look back at me. If I said what I anticipated, it may get her attention, "...I would probably kill myself, Chloe."

She turned immediately, eyes locked with mine, her expression very different than it had been seconds before. She scooted closer to me, "Beca you can't."

"You can't either."

"I..." She sighed, but she reached forward and gently grasped my hands, her grip loose. Now she wasn't looking at my eyes at all. I could tell that she felt guilty. I wasn't sure if she should or not.

"Chloe, listen to me." She seemed very conflicted. She sighed again, releasing my hands, staring at the grass, "Chloe." I could tell she was much more immersed in her own thoughts than in what I was saying. I wanted her to pay attention. I wanted her to actually keep her eyes on me. After sitting there for a few more moments, I was losing my patience and I was getting upset. Finally, I reached forward and I placed my hand on her ridiculously soft cheek, turning her head to me gently. Our gazes met. So many emotions were shown behind hers, "Please just... remember the next time you want to... leave me... just think of how much I would hurt. Please."

She stammered out some things, the beginnings to parts of words, before she frowned and whispered something almost inaudible, "I don't want to hurt you."

I paused for a second, "Well... Chloe you sort of are. I feel like I'm not helping you. It's a really awful feeling."

I noticed her eyes flit to my hand that still rested on her cheek. I wondered if it was making her uncomfortable so I started to pull away but she reached up, keeping it there by pressing her own against it, "Beca I'm sorry, alright..? I just... I'm tired of being so goddamn sad all the time. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I want to sleep forever."

I almost told her how I felt. Just to possibly make her happy. But I kept it in. I felt like I was going to explode most of the time. Not fun. Telling her would be bad though. It would cause a lot of problems, "Please stay alive for me. Please. You don't understand how much I need you." I sounded so desperate and sincere.

Chloe stared at me. Her breathing was patchy and uneven. I noticed her moving her face closer to mine. Just a little, it was barely noticeable. But I picked up on it immediately. Why had she done that? I kept my eyes on her for a few seconds longer. But she didn't say anything else. We just looked at one another.

She sighed lightly, briefly, before moving away from me and standing, "Lets just head back to your house, okay? I'm tired." She extended a hand to me and tugged me to my feet.

I sort of felt like we still needed to talk about these topics, no matter how upset it made both of us. But she didn't want to. It was making her feel pressured and nervous. So I left it alone. We got in my car and we went back to my place. This time, though, instead of her at least attempting to go to sleep on my couch, she followed me straight into my room and got into my bed. I didn't say anything about it.

At some point during the night she moved and pressed herself against me. I was a bit startled, having been half-asleep. But I wrapped my arms around her. It actually helped me get to sleep for once.