Emma couldn't process her body movements as she moved through the hospital. Every scenario possible had gone through her head and she felt her breathe hitch at the thought. They could be…No I can't go there, Emma felt her body shaking.

"Can I help you?" A woman was sitting behind the counter, watching Emma with caution. Emma felt herself wobbly on her feet, she probably looked as crazy as she felt.

"I'm here to see Killian and Liam Jones. They were in a car crash I'm their emergency contact," Emma didn't know how she was able to even speak with her mind going a million miles an hour but the woman behind the desk took a deep breath, understanding the situation. "Killian Jones is in Emergency surgery, the car crushed the whole left side of his body between the air bag and his seat," The woman spoke with no emotion behind it, just stating facts. Emma felt the tears prick behind her eyes. Emergency surgery?

"Liam Jones has been in and out of consciousness, we've been trying to get him in for a proper CT scan but our staff is running low at the moment but he is awake and should make a full recovery," Another woman said behind the counter. She was wearing scrubs and had a mask hanging from her neck that made Emma believe she was the one checking up on him.

"May I see him?" Emma asked quietly and the woman nodded, leading the way into the back of the hospital and into a closed off room. Liam was lying in a bed, still wearing the clothing he had on earlier. His eyes were fluttering open and closed but he looked up when Emma rushed through the door.

"Emma?" Liam smiled weakly, holding out his hand. Emma reached out a hand for him and he took it.

"Oh thank god you're alive. I don't know what I would have done without you," Emma's tears had turned into sobs and she held on tighter to Liam, "I thought... I didn't know," Emma tried to pull herself together.

"Ah, watch it," Liam clenched his jaw grabbing his side in pain. Emma looked down at his side. She turned to get the nurse but she was gone.

"What's wrong?" She held his hand over his side.

"Nothing. Just some pain in my side. I'm sure I'm fine," Liam tried to give her a little smile. Emma sat next to him, still holding his hand. Liam squeezed it harder holding on tight. Emma kept crying, she couldn't even help it. He's alive. Pull yourself together, but she couldn't. Liam reached over and lifted up her chin.

"It's going to be okay Emma," He whispered, letting his hand linger over her cheek, wiping way some of her tears, "Please stop crying darling." Emma looked at him, meeting his eyes and seeing the love and care behind his smile.

"What happened?" She didn't know if she even wanted to know.

"It was raining…We could barely see. I was trying to pull into a parking lot across the street and the car coming the other way tried to stop for us… I thought they were stopping for us. Anyways, they started hydroplaning and the next thing I knew our car was flipping. Killian's arm was caught between the seat and the air bag and I hit the steering wheel… the seatbelt pushed into me and it felt like I was being ripped open but it's only bruising," Liam grimaced and turned away from Emma for a second before continuing. He moved his other hand to his side again and Emma looked worriedly at it.

"I don't know how long we were stuck in the car. I couldn't feel my body and Killian's head was hanging limply and… and…." Liam held back a tear, "Oh god. Where's my brother?"

"He's in emergency surgery. We'll find out soon but I'm sure he's okay… I'm sure," Emma nodded at him, trying to convince not only Liam but herself as well. Liam let a tear fall from his eye and she reached over, wiping it from his face and giving him a reassuring smile. Liam reached up and held her hand there. It startled Emma for a second but then she relaxed, moving her thumb easily in his hand. She let him keep her hand on his face and he just stared up at her.

"Emma… the last thing I thought of… the last thing I saw before the car hit us…," Liam looked at her, he was sweating and he swallowed hard. Emma leaned closer to him and he grimaced. "Oh sorry!" Emma pushed herself back as Liam reached for his side again, writhing in pain.

"Fuck Liam,you're not okay. Where's the damn doctor! I'm sorry Liam I'm so so sorry," Emma was pissed and upset and she needed him.

"No. No, don't apologize to me. Don't ever apologize to me," Liam was breathing heavily and pulled her closer to him again.

"What are you talking about…" Emma looked down at him, worried and afraid at what he was going to say to her.

"You. Emma look at me," Liam said forcefully and Emma stopped moving and looked at him. He had a completely serious expression across his face. A face Emma didn't see often. "You were the last thing I saw before the crash. It was like your face was etched into my brain and you know how they say you see your whole life flash before your eyes in an accident? Emma I saw you…" Liam held her hand tightly and she felt her knees going weak.

"Liam… I…"

"No. I know you don't love me," He looked away from her for a second, "But I love you. I love you so goddamn much Emma," Liam was clenching his jaw trying to make a decision. He looked up to see Emma contempating something too. She looked back at the door and then back and him and he wondered what she was thinking until she reached her hands to his face and pressed her lips lightly to his. She felt his breathe hitch in surprise.

"Emma…" He breathed her name so easily, stroking his fingers through her hair and wanting to pull her closer to him. He kissed her so sweetly, so soft and loving and Emma felt a tear fall down her face.

"I love you," He whispered, rubbing his thumb against her cheek.

"I…I know. I... I think I love you too," Emma looked at into his eyes and he gave her a little smile.

"No...We love each other in different ways Emma," Liam stated blankly, watching her eyes shift between him and the door. She must be thinking about Killian, too. hHs jaw clenched a little but he relaxed it as he looked at her. She wanted to please him so desperately. He saw it and it made his heart ache.

"Liam..." Emma held his cheeks, moving to kiss his cheek but he stopped her this time.

Liam shook his head in disbelief that he was actually stopping her. This was all he had ever wanted.

"Emma," He whispered, feeling her hand is his hand.

"Yes, Liam?" Emma whispered back, letting him stroke the back of her hand, "Don't leave me," He whispered, feeling a tear fall down his cheek. He would let her go, he knew that now. But maybe he could just hold on to her for a few more minutes. Emma nodded, holding on tightly to his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere," She smiled and he relaxed under her touch his head turning slowly to the side as the drugs made their way through his system.

"Sleep Liam, I'll be here when you wake," Emma smiled at him. She pulled up a chair and sat down next to him, being sure to keep him calm.

/

Emma's eyes flew open. Her hand was still attached to Liam but there were nurses everywhere. She knew she had dozed off but it couldn't have been for long. Liam's fingers felt cold in her hand.

"Liam? What's happening?" Emma asked a little dazedly. A nurse looked down at her.

"His stomach. He has internal bleeding," The nurse yelled, ripping up Liam's shirt to reveal a huge black and blue bruise the was covering his whole side. Emma gasped and the woman pushed her out of the room.

"No! I can't leave him!" Emma held on tightly to his hand and felt a little resistance in Liam's hand.

"Emma?" He whispered.

"I'm right here!" Emma yelled back as she was pushed out the doors. Liam was pushed out behind her and rushed down the hall. Emma tried to follow but another nurse stopped her. "I'm sorry. This is as far as you can go. We will take care of the rest," The woman nodded at Emma and she felt her tears coming back, pricking her eyes. She slammed the wall.

"When will they be out!?" Emma said a little too forcefully to the woman behind the counter once she had moved back to the waiting area. The woman jumped.

"It could be hours Ms….."

"Swan. Emma Swan," Emma crossed her hands across her chest, looking at the floor or the ceiling, basically anywhere but the two doors that she knew her boys lay behind.

"Ms. Swan, maybe you should go home. We'll call you with any changes," The woman reached comfortingly for Emma but Emma moved away. She didn't need comfort from a stranger.

"I'm not leaving," She shot back.

"It will be hours before you hear anything... You should get some rest," The woman whispered back.

"Fine," She turned on her heel and moved through the door. She didn't want to go home. She couldn't be alone. She just couldn't but she wasn't going to make an idiot of herself in front of that damn woman judging her from behind the counter.

/

Emma smiled a little as she wandered the nautical shop, searching for the right gift. She found it, hidden behind a row of glasses covered with pictures of the sea. The stuffed seagull sat eyeing her. It was horribly tacky and Emma laughed as she picked it up. Killian would love it. Killian, Her heart dropped a little. She didn't know why she kissed Liam… Why she had left him in the first place when he loved her so deeply and she just ripped his heart out like it meant nothing. She didn't understand anything except the thought of losing either of them broke her heart into a million pieces and she needed them to be okay and she needed them with her. God I am so stupid, Emma shut her eyes wondering why she always ruined a good thing.

Emma rubbed her hand down her cheek. She wanted so desperately to be in love with Liam.. To make him happy. And yet as much as she wanted to believe that, it didn't make it true. Liam would never let her be unhappy, even if it meant making himself happy. Emma felt the tears pricking at her eyes. She couldn't lose him. She just couldn't. He had stood up for her, he had let her leave so that she could be happy. Maybe I do love Killian, Emma thought, a sense of dread in her stomach. They had never talked about love. Emma didn't even know what they were and she was about to lose him. She was about to lose both of them. She clenched her fist around the ugly bird and brought it up to the clerk.

"That'll be 40 dollars," The woman said brightly.

"40 dollars?! No one would ever possibly want this!?" Emma screamed back looking at the ugly ass seagull in her hands.

"Ma'am if you can't afford it. Please put it back. I don't make the prices," The woman backed up a little from Emma and she rolled her eyes.

"It's for my friend who's in the hospital right now. He loves the sea," Emma whispered, staring at the stupid bird and feeling oddly attached to it. She handed over the 40 dollars.

"You're a very good friend," The woman smiled encouragingly but took the 40 dollars from Emma's hands. She rolled her eyes again, grabbing the seagull and heading back to the hospital.

/

"Ms….Swan?" A doctor looked around expectantly in the waiting room. Emma held up her seagull. "Yes?!" She yelled, standing up. The doctor raised her eyebrows at the seagull. "Uh… are you the Jones's family?"

"I'm all they have," Emma responded, moving closer. The doctor was avoiding her eyes and Emma knew that look. The way she looked down at the floor and seemed to take a deep breathe.

"Who." Emma stated blankly. She knew that look too well. Someone was dead.

"Liam Jones…I'm," The woman looked away from Emma's face.

"No," Emma yelled.

"Ma'am I'm sorry but..."

"NO," Emma felt her hands shaking. The doctor must have known the breaking that happened when someone died. Emma felt her knees giving out. The tiles were cold on her hands but she didn't care. Her vision was blurring with her tears and she held her breath. She didn't want to feel, or think, or be. She just wanted Liam in her arms and alive.

"I'm sorry for your loss," She repeated again, lowering herself to Emma.

"No," Emma said slowly, again.

"We tried to get to him before it.."

"NO. YOU DIDN'T I KNEW HE WASN'T OKAY YOU DAFT BITCH," Emma screamed at the woman who swallowed slowly taking a step away from Emma.

"I'm sorry there was nothing more we could do."

"Don't be." Emma got up, "Don't be sorry. He's already dead and your apology means nothing to me." her head was empty, her heart beating fast. She couldn't be here. The doctor watched Emma make her way out the doors. As soon as they closed Emma let out a scream.

"FUCK YOU UNIVERSE," She screamed letting the tears stream down her face. The doctor watched her worriedly as Emma made her way to her car. She slammed her steering wheel, she kicked her seat, she couldn't drive and she knew it. So she sat on the top of her car and waited for her heart to stop. Nothing would ever be the same.

She was still holding the damn seagull and she looked at it, holding it close and refusing to move. She didn't know how long she was sitting there when the rain started coming down again lightly in a little pitter patter on her face, masking her red and bloodshot eyes. Tear marks streamed her face. Still she didn't move.

"Why me... Why?!" Emma yelled into this air, hoping she'd be struck by lightning.

"Ms. Swan?" The doctor from earlier yelled from the entrance. Emma looked up from her spot in the rain, getting drenched by the minute by the rain. She realized the sky was getting darker around her.

"What do you want," Emma hissed at her and the woman stepped back a little.

"Killian..Killian Jones," The woman stammered and Emma's eye's shot up.

"What," Emma said, making eye contact with the woman who had ripped her heart out just a few hours prior.

"… He's awake," She said, smiling a little at Emma who took a breath of relief. Hugging the seagull closely to her chest she made her way back into the hospital and followed the doctor through the double doors. They passed Liam's room and Emma kept her head down, feeling her heart fall out of her chest. She couldn't do this right now. The woman rubbed her shoulder and Emma glared at her. She released her immediately.

"Here we are," She smiled pointing through the glass to a man laying still in his bed. Dark hair was amock on the top of his head, and Emma saw tat clenched jaw, that dark chest hair, that handsome face but he looked delicate. He looked like he could break at any moment.

"Is he awake?" Emma asked.

"He's sleeping. There was a lot of drugs involved in his surgery... His hand had to be removed," The doctor said sadly to Emma's side and Emma's mouth fell open in horror. The doctor opened the door first, with Emma following her. She placed the seagull down on the little table next to his head and looked down at his arm. There were welts and scrapes and stiches all up his arm where glass had broken skin. Her eyes wandered down to the bandages covering his arm where his left hand should have been. She looked away immediately.

"It was crushed," The doctor started to explain.

"Yeah I've figured that out, thanks," Emma shot back. She knew was being a bitch but she didn't give two shits about the people around her right now, about the people in this hospital who had let one of her friend's die and the other lose his hand. Tears streamed down her face. Killian was asleep, but his arm seemed to drift to Emma, if his hand were there he would have reached her but Emma moved back. She couldn't touch him. Just looking at him reminded her of Liam and she couldn't breath.

"Does he know about...?" Emma asked the doctor, stopping before saying his name. The doctor nodded slowly. Emma looked back at Killian's face inspecting the puffy red under his eyes. She should have been the one to tell him.

"I should have been here," Emma's jaw clenched in frustration and the doctor looked away. She was scared of Emma and she knew it. Emma clenched her fist pounding the table next to Killian but he didn't wake. He was too drugged out.

"He'll be awake in a couple hours," The doctor said reassuringly. Emma looked down at her watch. It was 8:15 pm. He wouldn't wake up for a few hours.

"No... No I can't," Emma whispered to herself.

"Excuse me?" The doctor asked and Emma remembered she wasn't alone.

"I'll be right back," Emma said suddenly, and the doctor nodded her eyebrows furrowing on her forehead. She took one last look at Killian. He was sleeping soundly. She leaned down and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"I love you. I'm sorry," Emma whispered into his ear letting her lips touch gently to his skin before moving out the door. She didn't look back, she wasn't coming back. She was leaving and going where no one could follow her. She had never had a home, including Boston, and she could make another home by herself. All she had was herself.

As Emma reached the door she broke into a run. She wasn't going to think too much she was just going to go. Anywhere, everywhere it didn't matter she just needed to go.

It took 10 minutes to get home, another 20 to get everything packed. She stopped at Killian's shirt before shoving it in with the rest of her clothes into a duffel bag she could carry on her back if she needed to. Her kitchen was more stocked with food then it ever had been before and Emma knew that was Killian's doing. She let a little sticky note on the fridge.

Know that I'm sorry. I've caused enough pain. But I can't do this anymore.

- Emma

She looked at the note and shook her head. Whether Killian found it or not didn't really matter. He would know why she left. She always left when things got too serious or when people got too attached. She took a deep breath and walked out of her apartment, not bothering to take one last look. It was just another house with bad memories to add to her list.

Emma started her car and drove to the airport. By the time she got settled with her ticket to Tallahassee, her watch read 10:20. She knew Killian would be up soon and she let a tear fall down her face before she dropped her phone into the trash and headed down the hall to her gate number, preparing to board her flight.

"Goodbye," She whispered as she walked.

A couple miles away Killian opened his eyes and smiled at the seagull sitting next to his bed.

"She's gone isn't she," He whispered to the seagull, letting tears fall down his face at the loss of a brother, and the love of his life. The bird just stared at him and Killian nodded knowingly. She always ran.