Scout was in the elevator, past the point where any of these freaking chambers had numbers for them.
"Say, do you remember when I told you about how I enjoy surprises?"
He jumped, looking around the small elevator. It had been a while since the broad had spoken up.
"While I'll enjoy this next one, it turns out that the enjoyment of a surprise does depend on its context. I'm sorry to admit that some surprises under certain contexts had to remind Me of this. So, too, does the enjoyment of a surprise depend on the recipient of said surprise, so while I can say with certainty that I'll enjoy it, I cannot be so certain of you. That was a rhetorical observation, of course. I know you won't enjoy it."
Another floor was coming up, "So it is conclusive that the enjoyment of any surprise depends on context, recipient, and timing. And speaking of timing, the surprise I have in mind—" The elevator opened up, and he flinched with a yell as a train whistle blared into his ears, his body curling, prepared for the impact, suddenly taken back to that one time at the Well when he hadn't been fast enough. It stopped, and he looked up.
It was only an empty chamber, with a couple of measly sentries.
". . . Was not the one in this test chamber. . . Surprise."
He gasped, limbs buzzing with that familiar adrenalin rush, getting his breath back, waiting for the ringing in his ears to go away.
"By the way, are you guilty of something?"
He blinked, and glared at the nearest camera, "What the heck, lady?!"
"Never mind. But don't you see? You, on a subconscious level, would not 'appreciate' the surprise of the expected surprise more unless the actual, unexpected surprise had been there and were experienced. Since it was a surprise that you expected, even if it still surprised you, it wasn't really a surprise at all. The act of My telling you about it ruined the complete surprise experience. But don't worry, that doesn't mean there won't be an unexpected surprise."
She sounded like she was laughing as he bluntly flipped off the camera, stomping off to do another stupid test.
A sentry waved its guns at him, "Oh, hi! . . . Surprise?"
He ignored it, carefully placing it where it couldn't shoot him.
He didn't like 'killing' things that sounded like kids, even if they were freaking annoying.
"For all you know," the Announcer lady continued, "The actual surprise could be in the next test chamber, or the one after that, or a few more after that. But I'm not actually going to tell you. That would defeat the entire purpose of a surprise. But you knew that, of course."
He tried to ignore her, working to get through this as quickly as possible so he'd have his hands free to plug his ears in the next elevator.
"Still, the surprise could be that there's not really a surprise at all. But not really. I hate paradoxes."
He let that sink in for a moment, and then paused, grinning. He remembered some 'paradoxes' the Doc threw at him.
"Really? Paradoxes, huh? Like, 'This sentence is f—'?"
The test chamber shook with a simple, solid WHAM.
. . .
She waited patiently until he popped back into existence after running the usual cleanup, which was starting to become tedious.
"Well, aren't you a bright little glowworm? Yes. Like that one. Especially that one. Do you have anything else you'd like to say?"
A smile was tugging at his face, but quickly disappeared when the chamber's edges shook again warningly.
He settled for shaking his head.
"Good. Continue testing, glowworm."
He scowled. But he did.
"Hey, what's that thing?" a little voice asked, an orange glow in the dark.
"Another glass test tube, darlin', with another poor humanoid all floating around in it." answered another voice gently, with a green glow.
"Fact: The Curiosity Core's curiosity has merit. Second Fact: This one is different." said another voice with a glow it insisted was mauve, not pink.
"Really, looks like all the other humanoid-filled test tubes to me, four-eyes."
"Fact: The Adventure Core has inferior information processors to the Fact Core and Curiosity Core, in order of succession. Second Fact: This 'humanoid-filled test tube' is registered as a recent addition in the Archive of 'humanoid-filled test tubes'."
"Ooh, it's got numbers on it. . . Is it wearing any clothes?"
"Avert your optic, Curie!"
"Fact: The numbers register this addition to be current with today's date. Second Fact: As with all humanoids in the Archive, this one is in its natural state. Third Fact: The Fact Core congratulates the Adventure Core and Curiosity Core for their handling of the proverbial 'elephant in the room'. Fourth Fact: The previous Fact was sarcasm. Fifth Fact: The numbers register its role and label as the 'Interesting Idea Generator' and 'Soldier', and it is active."
"Yeah, yeah, wires in the brains and all. Poor fella. Soldier, huh? Man, could we share a war story or two.
Any chance we can wake him up a bit?"
"Fact: We have no external power or influence in the Archive. Second Fact: Any attempts to exert power or influence would anger Her."
"Eh, was just a thought."
"He looks funny. Does anyone know where Solly went?"
"Fact: The Space Core had last told the Fact Core that it was taking the 'second star on the right, and straight on 'til morning'. Second Fact: Taking the previous Fact into consideration, the Fact Core strongly advises against pursuing the Space Core."
"Oh, stars. I wanna go look at stars, too!"
The orange glow leaves.
". . . Heh, young love's cute, isn't it?"
"Fact: Any evidence of 'love' is, in this case, constituent with mental illness, and therefore unapproved by the Fact Core."
"Aw, you sweet on her, too?"
"Fact: The Adventure Core is showing signs of hallucination and delusion. This is also unapproved by the Fact Core.
Second Fact: The Curiosity Core is too superior for the Space Core."
"Keep telling yourself that, nerd. . . Really, not a slight chance that we could wake this guy up?"
"Fact: The Adventure Core should get over it."
"'Getting over it' is not in this man's dictionary!"
"Fact: Apparently, neither is 'reality'."
". . . When I acquire those bear arms, boy, you're gonna have your own spot on my 'To-Destroy' List."
"Fact: Keep experiencing sleep-mode memory cleanup."
The humanoid named 'Soldier's hands twitched, as if trying to curl into fists.
The Spy was not having the best times. The pathway the mysterious arrows led him by was convoluted and difficult, occasionally putting him in places that made his collar shock him in warning. This artist was an odd one, for certain. He was back in the section with many pipes, pistons, and oddly placed boilers and Engineer would have probably enjoyed this excursion, these mechanical parts.
All the Spy got out of it was rust, dust, oil, and sharp edges.
He rubbed his fingers together, scoffing at the blackness that accumulated on the pads of his fingers and palms. Filthy.
Random noises of steam and metallic groans and creaks had made him edgy, expecting robot men or alien machines at any corner.
So it was surprising when he actually met an alien machine.
"Hello."
He blinked, warily staying at the edge of its vision. He had experienced these multiple times before he was 'convinced' to do this job.
It was strange to see it in this place, however. It was situated under a painting of one of those cubes with the hearts on it.
"I'm different."
"Pardon?" he asked, edging in, but it did not draw its guns.
Its eye flashed at him.
"Hello. I'm different."
He stood in front of it, waiting, and it seemed to stare blankly.
"I am not friend or foe, but with the duty of the Companion. I can speak, and will say the things the Companion cannot. You will listen."
"Oui, I suppose I have time." he commented drily, sitting down. "You wouldn't be the artist, would you?" he joked.
He thought not, but this must be the thing the artist had meant to lead him to. It spoke without preamble.
"The numbers are the foundation of Her rise and downfall. The more She acquires, the more She gains, the more She loses.
Regret is Her reason, Ambition is Her reasoning.
She seeks what She has lost, and requires eyes to seek. She steals what She cannot create.
The eyes of Vision, of Ingenuity, and of Insight."
This made him raise an eyebrow, he probably was working for this 'She'.
"The numbers will be unbalanced, and the favoring uncertain.
The one who observes will observe this balance and all that influence it.
Care is her reason, Interest is her reasoning."
Never mind, the turret had lost him.
"The number of one will fall to the number of the other.
One is neutral, the one who failed before she began, and succeeded twice where others have not.
Closure is her reason, Tenacity is her reasoning.
She will fail the third time."
The one who had killed 'Her' twice. Did failure mean death?
"She will fail the third time, and fall for all time,
And all will be subject to the Dea in Machina.
. . . That is all I can say."
"Really, all you can say, that is so helpful." he growled, palming his face, but another red flash blinded him.
"I am not done.
You, who are collared and led,
Will influence the balance by the very existence of your leash,
You will help bring the ghosts to rest
And blind the eyes
And be the second acolyte of the Dea in Machina.
The answers you seek will be found in conglomeration.
The one who you seek is right behind you.
I am done."
"But that doesn't make any se—!" he began, but was stopped short by the rustle of cloth behind him.
A telltale chill swept up his spine.
How could anyone sneak up on him?! He whirled around.
"Who—?!" he began again, but was again stopped short by the vision he encountered.
The characteristics that had given him the reputation of a 'lady killer' immediately and happily took up the majority of his brain.
He straightened up, nearly straightening a nonexistent tie.
"Ah, pardon me, bonjour, mademoiselle," he said, using the smile the women normally favored, before rationality and logic regained control.
He blinked.
"I must say, you are not hardly as monstrous as She had descri—"
CRACK!
Before he went unconscious, he thought again about how he was definitely not having the best of times.
However, at the moment, he strangely didn't seem to mind that so much.