"Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straitjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing
Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Run away this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again" - The All-American Rejects
Clarke emerged from the bathroom in her borrowed clothes and found Lexa leaning back on her couch with her eyes tightly closed. She was breathing hard and seemed to be trying to focus on something.
"What are you thinking about?" the blonde asked. Lexa looked in her direction and gave her a once over. Clarke in her borrowed clothes was some how sexier than Clarke in a stunning blue fluffy dress that barely covered anything. The brunette felt her temperature spike again, and she internally cursed. She'd just spent a few minutes trying to get herself to calm down and she didn't understand what was happening.
"Hey. You alright?" Clarke asked and moved to sit next to her.
Clarke Clarke Clarke was all that was running through Lexa's mind. She wanted to stare at her, breathe in her scent, touch her, kiss her...and suddenly Lexa understood what was going on. She was furiously turned on. She hadn't recognized it for what it was because no one had ever made her feel this way before.
"I'm fine." She laughed.
"Uhh. Did I miss something?"
"Yes, remind me in a few months to tell you about it."
"Why can't you tell me now?"
"Because it will be funnier and less awkward later on. Trust me."
"Okay..." She drawled out. "So..."
"So let's talk. I promise not to get angry this time."
"Ok...So how are you handling this? Being openly gay."
"It's harder now than it was at first. It's just so weird: everything I am at my very core is the exact opposite of what I was raised to believe. I'm into music, not so into organized religion, and I'm super gay. I'm a little too 'free' for Joseph and Elizabeth's standards."
"Are you having second thoughts?"
"Not at all. I have to separate what I was taught from who I am and merge together all the pieces that go together. I'm actually enjoying the internal conflict."
"What? Lexa that sounds crazy." Clarke exclaimed. "How exactly is that enjoyable?"
The brunette laughed before continuing. "I enjoy it because it means I actually have a choice. Growing up I always did what my mother said and I learned early on that whatever she says goes. Now I'm 17, a year away from graduating and I'll be out of her house. I enjoy it because for the first time ever I realized that the only person standing in the way of my happiness is me."
"Are you real?"
Lexa quirked an eyebrow. "You lost me."
"You're too good to be true. You're artistic, smart, funny, and witty. You've got super strict parents that basically told you that it wasn't ok to be who you are, but you're overcoming that in record time. I've met plenty of closeted people, Lexa. It takes them months, sometimes up to a year, to figure out everything you just told me. And you did it in what? A week?"
"You give me too much credit. It took Anya years to get me to even consider living in a way that would make me happy. She also helped me see past my anger when I was mad at you: Raven too, she really stood up for you. If it weren't for those two I may not be talking to you right now."
"Raven? I thought for sure she'd have nothing but bad things to say about me, especially after I yelled at her."
"Quite the opposite actually. She was angry with you but promised me that your reaction was nothing more than your insecurities about the past. You've always had a man on the inside."
"Now I really feel terrible." Clarke groaned
"Just apologize every day for the rest of your life and let her tinker with your car."
"Ha!" The blonde snorted. "I'm good with apologizing but I'm not sure about letting her under the hood of my car."
"You should reconsider. Have you heard the noises that hunk of junk makes when you're going up hill?"
"My car is not a hunk of junk!"
"Oh I beg to differ, Clarke. That thing is a dirty death trap."
"Well not all of us can have brand new designer cars."
"Actually you could. But for some reason you didn't let your parents buy you one."
"You're mean." The blonde pouted.
"Just stating facts, blondie." Lexa said playfully. "So what's with the painting? You sat it by the door when you came in and never said anything about it."
"Oh! I completely forgot!" Clarke jumped up and ran to get it. When she returned she held it up right in front of Lexa. There was a sheet covering it, so she couldn't see what it was.
"I thought maybe you'd want to have it, I just finished it a couple days ago."
Clarke took off the sheet and heard Lexa audibly gasp.
"Clarke, this is amazing!" she said. It was a collage. All of the drawings she posed for, or was aware of were all collected together.
"I finished my series on you and decided that it needed to be painted. So this is what I came up with."
The headshot, the very first drawing Lexa posed for, was dead center. Lexa playing the piano, studying, playing soccer, laughing, sitting with her legs crisscrossed on her bed with her computer. It was all there surrounding a very stoic looking Lexa.
"How did you paint my face that small so perfectly?"
"An outline, a really small paint brush, lots of patience, and very little sleep."
"This is so amazing. You're amazing." The brunette cooed.
Clarke smiled: happy that her hard work was so well received.
"I want to take you on a date." Clarke blurted out. "And I know we've had plenty of nights in with dinner and movies on the couch. Kind of like tonight. But I want a real date where I pick you up, open the car door for you, maybe buy you a rose, take you to dinner so we can talk and swap childhood stories, and at the end of the night I'll walk you to your door and hopefully get a kiss goodnight."
"That sounds really nice, but..." Lexa started and Clarke clammed up for a second not sure what the 'but' was for.
"But what?"
"But you don't have to open doors for me...and I'm not keeping this painting. I'm not conceited enough to have this big of a self portrait slash collage in my room."
Clarke slapped Lexa on the arm. "I can't believe you! I thought you were going to say no!"
"Hey. No need to be so violent."
"You're nothing but trouble, you know that?"
"Oh I know. And you're stuck with me, so get used to it." Lexa poked her tongue out and of course Clarke had to do the same. It amazed the blonde how much Lexa has changed over the past month. Well it wasn't so much a change as it was her letting loose. She had seen parts of her playful personality the first time they studied together and more of it seemed to emerge every day.
...
Clarke ended up sleeping over at Lexa's, only after being assured that her parents wouldn't come home early and freak out on her. The house, she noticed, was uncharacteristically empty and the brunette confessed to letting the house staff have time off whenever her parents went out of town. She was capable of taking care of herself and Elizabeth runs them into the ground, it was the least she could do. Now Clarke understood why the staff, especially Marisol, loved Lexa so much.
On Saturday morning Clarke went home and immediately called Octavia to gush about everything that had happened. Neither girls could really understand what the other was saying because both of them were far too excited to say anything coherently. They decided to meet for breakfast and spill in person.
Across town much of the same was happening between Lexa and Raven, though they weren't squealing at each other. Raven called to see how things with Clarke went and when Lexa gave a very vague "it went nicely" Raven scoffed and told the taller girl to pick her up from home so they could go get breakfast and talk about every little detail.
Walking into the little cafe they didn't know they'd run into Octavia and Clarke. The younger girls were talking animatedly while waiting to be seated. Clarke ran over to her girl and kissed her the second she saw her.
"Hi." Lexa giggled. "Miss me?"
"Yes. Of course I did. What are you doing here?"
"You really didn't see me walk in with her?" Raven chimed in. "That's some impressive tunnel vision."
"Sorry." Clarke laughed. She noticed Octavia and Raven were huddled together...well as much as they could be while standing up. But something else was different about them too. Between all of Octavia's babbling she could piece together that the two of them were finally officially an item. There was something more though...
Raven twisted her head to place a chast kiss on O's jawline. The motion caused the collar of her shirt to move and she could see a couple a hickeys. Octavia laughed and moved her hand under the hem of the shorter girl's shirt.
"Clarke." The hostess called. "Would you like to change your party to 4?"
"Yes, please." The blonde answered. "How long is the wait?"
"We're cleaning off your table right now."
They made their way to a both towards the back of the restaurant. Clexa walked hand in hand, Octaven was practically attached at the skin. Once they ordered it was like Clarke and Lexa didn't even exist, the two brunettes were all over each other. It wasn't until Raven kissed Octavia's shoulder that she put the pieces together, and couldn't help but blurt out "You had sex!" while waggling her finger between her two friends.
All eyes were on the blonde and Lexa couldn't help but laugh at the blushing faces across from her.
"How did you know?" Octavia mumbled.
"Raven has hickeys and you won't stop groping each other. I don't think I've everseen this much PDA."
Their flushed faces only got more red as their embarrassment washed over them. Lexa laughed again and covered her mouth to try and stifle her giggles. Clarke subsequently joined in.
"Don't laugh!" Raven exclaimed. "When you two have sex I'm so calling you out on it!"
...
It took one week but Clarke finally took Lexa on the date she'd always wanted to take her on. As promised she picked her up from her house and opened the car door for her. She had a single red rose waiting for her in the car. They went to a French restaurant in Beverly Hills. A garden salad was $30 and the entrees were close to $50 but it was worth it. Lexa felt horrible. There weren't any prices on the menu so she didn't know how expensive her meal was until the bill came. Clarke promised that it was more than okay and she had been here before so she knew what to expect.
On the ride home Clarke asked to know more about Lexa's relationship with music. The brunette got talking and wouldn't shut up, but Clarke thought it was adorable. She loved that Lexa had as much passion for playing the violin as she did for painting. 'Finally, someone that gets it' she thought. Clarke walked Lexa to her front door and both girls spoke of having a good time and promised to do it again. The brunette insisted that she would do the doting next time around.
"I'm going to kiss you now." Clarke stated, and pulled Lexa's lips down to meet hers before a response could be made. They had become so accustom to each other. Clarke knew how to make Lexa moan, and Lexa knew how to make Clarke's knees buckle. They were so balanced together, it was unreal.
The blonde pulled away but stayed close enough for their noses to continue brushing together.
"Yeah. I'm definitely going to fall in love with you. I'm pretty sure it's already happening." Clarke said. She hadn't meant to say it out loud but didn't regret it. It was how she felt. Lexa didn't know what to say to that. Sure she liked Clarke a lot and was quite infatuated, but love? She'd honestly never got that far in her thinking.
"I..." The brunette started. She wanted to give Clarke something too but she wasn't ready for those words yet.
"It's ok." The blonde said. Lexa started to back away but she held her tighter. "I'm not pressuring you into anything, I was just telling you how I feel. That's all."
Lexa nodded her head and pressed her lips into Clarke's one last time before they bid each other good night.
Time seemed to fly after their first official date. Finals and graduation had come and gone. Lexa signed up to volunteer at a law firm for the summer while Clarke did the same at a hospital. The two teens finally put a label on their relationship two months into it after Lexa goofily asked if Clarke was 'seeing other people', to which the blonde responded with an obnoxious laugh and stated "I told you I was falling in love with you, we spend all of our time together, and you think I want to date someone else?"
The brunette did think she was being silly after hearing that out loud.
"You're my girlfriend, Lex. I thought you knew."
"Well I'm sorry! You never asked, I never asked, it's never really come up and I just wanted to make sure, ok?"
"Would it make you feel better if we had an official girlfriend ceremony?" Clarke asked sarcastically.
"Maybe." the brunette pouted.
"Alexandra Woods." Clarke got on one knee in front of her soon to be official girlfriend and took one hand between both of hers. "Will you go steady with me?"
Lexa shook her head and pulled Clarke into her lap, kissing her.
"So, is this a yes?" the blonde asked between kisses, to which Lexa responded with a laugh and more kissing.
Soon enough they were strewn out on the couch, limbs tangled in each other's. They were in their own world until Jake so rudely interrupted them. He cleared his throat and made a comment about knowing Clarke was 16 with raging hormones but wished she would try harder to keep her 'old man in the dark about this sort of thing.' The blonde just laughed and dragged Lexa by the wrist up to her loft.
"You're only 16?!" Lexa asked as they were climbing the stairs.
"Yeah. We've been dating for 2 months, how did you not know that? You're a terrible girlfriend."
"In my defense I've only been your girlfriend for 5 minutes...literally."
"Not letting this one slide." The blonde said as she threw her girlfriend onto her solo mattress and straddled her waist.
"Seriously, Clarke. I'm cougar. Oh my god, my birthday is before yours. I'll be 18 before you're 17. Do you know how bad that sounds? An 18 year old dating a 16 year old."
"Our birthdays are exactly 7 days apart. It isn't that bad."
"I feel dirty." The brunette groaned.
"You're seriously killing the mood."
"I'm not going to make out with you while your dad is down stairs."
"Fine." The blonde huffed and rolled onto her side. "You're such a cock blocker." Clarke joked. They hadn't gone very far physically yet but she felt comfortable enough to make sex jokes.
It took Lexa 3 days to get over the age difference with her girlfriend. It was absolutely ridiculous, but Lexa wouldn't be Lexa if she didn't obsess over little things like that.
In the beginning of August it was time for Anya to pack up and go off to college. Lexa was sad that her best friend was going all the way to D.C, but was happy that she got into her top choice. Lexa stayed with Anya and her family for most of the week with Anya and her parents, who she was surprised to find out, knew about her relationship with Clarke and was completely supportive. It was weird considering Elizabeth and Jenna (Anya's mom) were the best of friends. The two girls spent as much time as they could together, packing and just enjoying the company before it was ripped away from them for the better part of 4 years.
Lexa drove Anya to the airport on a Sunday morning, she had already said goodbye to her parents. It was one of the only times her mother let her skip church. Lexa didn't cry but her friend did. She was a blubbering mess.
"I'm crying on you."
"Yeah it's gross."
"It's my essence."
They laughed at the mimicked conversation they had when Lexa came out a few months ago.
"I'll miss you, cornflake."
"I'll miss you, too. Take care of yourself ok? Don't be antisocial. Don't mess things up with Clarke. Apply to LMU; don't let your parents get to you. Please just let yourself be happy, ok?"
"Ok." Lexa held on as tight as she could for as long as she could. It didn't last too long though. LAX is always ridiculously crowded and she didn't want Anya to miss her flight. So she urged her to go and made her promise to call when she landed and text her every day.
Lexa drove home a little sad but was happy overall. Sure her best friend moved across the country but she was following her dreams. She had friends in Nate (who finally apologized to Clarke for being so rude in her house) and Raven. She had an amazing girlfriend and a father who seemed to be supportive. That was still a little gray but ultimately Joseph was more involved in her life than he'd ever been.
Lexa opened the front door to her house and heard shouting. She ventured in further and realized it was her father and a woman. The noise was coming from Joseph's study. Marisol came from the kitchen and made a confused face. She probably didn't know what was going on either.
"You know how she feels about that!" Joseph said. He was obviously the most flustered, his voice booming out into the living area while the woman's voice remained muffled by the door separating them from Lexa.
"Ever since Tris it's just been different. You of all people should understand!"
Tris. Lexa hadn't heard that name in a while, she'd almost forgotten of the girl's existence…almost. It made her feel sick to her stomach.
Marisol shook Lexa from her thoughts and pulled her out of the way of angry footsteps that made their way out of the front door. She barely registered it, but that was definitely Anya's mother that just stormed out of her house.
A/N: Ok things to notice in this chapter. (1.) Lexa is talking about her own happiness so much because it's new and she's reveling in it, if she seems a little self involved then good: that's what I wanted because she deserves it. (2) There was a THREE MONTH time jump. I know I only actually wrote 2 but by the end it's been 3. (3) The song I used in this chapter: think of it in terms of Lexa's parents (or don't think of it at all, whatever boats your float) (4) Lexa who is finally catching a freaking break in life now has to deal with whatever Joseph and Jenna were fighting about. AND Tris was brought up so that opens up a whole other can of worms she wished would just stay shut.
So what do you guys think happened with Tris?