If Lucy was going to be completely honest, she had to admit that she thought about lemons more than she thought about Virginia. Every time she caught herself forgetting about David, she cringed and slapped herself. Shereally had to think about Virginia. Well, rather, she had to think about what she was going to say to David.
"Yoo-hoo, Sully…"
She fluttered back to reality and saw Blink waving his hand in front of her face. She smiled and shook her head, getting up from the park bench.
"Lookin' a little dazed there!" he teased.
"Nah, my brain's just workin' too hard."
"Psh. That's no fun." He ruffled his hand on her hair, messing up the braids she had put in place.
"Blink! That took me a long time to do by myself…" she pouted. She fished out a small hand mirror and inspected the damage.
"Ha-ha!" Blink took both hands and screwed up her hair even more relentlessly.
"Ugh, you boys have no appreciation for hair." She sighed dramatically and untied the ribbons of her hopeless braids. They started walking casually around the block.
"So, you obviously heard about David?" he asked, and his tone was less comical.
"Yeah…"
"Are you goin' with him?"
She hesitated. She unknotted her hair and let it fall freely behind her. She stuck her hands in her pockets and kicked a rock in front of her. "I don't know, Blink."
He followed the rock and kicked it ahead of them again, prompting her to do the same. "You don't wanna go to Virginia for a month, do ya?"
She kicked the rock. "It's a whole mess of things, really. I don't know where to begin."
"Virginia's nice, or so I heah…" he lunged and tapped the rock with his shoe. "But it sure ain't New York."
"That's what I'm sayin'. That and so much more, ya know? It's not like I wouldn't miss him. I would. It's just…" she paused to concentrate on locating the pebble and furthering their game.
"Can I be honest with ya real quick?" he interrupted and stepped in front of her. "Don't go. I can tell ya don't want to."
"Is it that obvious?"
"Yes." His tone was blunt and she made a surprised face. "Sorry, didn't mean to offend. But I know you pretty good, Sully. I think you'd be miserable. Now don't get me wrong, I like Dave and all, we'se good friends too. But you wanna know what I pictured when I heard about him invitin' you along?"
She wasn't sure she wanted to hear it. "What?"
"You starin' out the window for the bettah half 'a the day when he's out workin'. Does that sound like you? Nah." He messed up her hair again.
She scratched her fingers together and crossed her arms. There were other reasons too, though, that she didn't want to go. There were reasons why she wanted to keep herself here. She knew there were. One huge one in particular.
"Not to mention you'd miss me like crazy," joked Blink. He slung his arm over her shoulders and pulled her into a loose headlock.
She laughed sincerely and wrestled to get out. "How could I stand bein' away from you for a whole month, Blink?"
"Believe me, you couldn't."
That evening as Lucy made her way to do the unavoidable, she found she had been biting down on her lip for the whole day. She'd practically tried sewing herself up altogether because she didn't want to do this. All she could do was picture David crushed.
"Why do I feel like I'm about to go break his heart?" she mumbled, looking up at the Jacobs' apartment building from the street.
Jack patted her back encouragingly. "Man up."
She glanced at him.
"You'se a Sullivan after all."
She sighed painfully. "I just can't be Mrs. David Jacobs in Virginia."
"No one expects ya to."
She looked to the fire escape near David's bedroom where he was nowhere in sight. "Yes, they do."
Lucy took a deep breath and headed for the building. Jack followed behind as if making sure she wouldn't back out and give up. He was whistling casually and she assumed he was probably trying to take the edge off. It was no help, though, really. By the time they got to the third floor she was downright irritated.
"Shoulda smoked a cigarette down there," he said as they ascended the last floor. "Ya sure you don't wanna have one right now? I got half 'a one left in my pocket somewhere."
"I'm okay." She knocked on the door.
"Big smiles now!" teased Jack, putting on a cheesy grin and nudging her.
Lucy rolled her eyes.
Sarah came to answer and opened it with as big a smile as Jack's. Lucy did a quick mental somersault and gave Sarah a hug, stepping inside the apartment. Esther and Meyer were setting the table and Les was sitting in the window frame pulling a yo-yo up and down. Lucy looked around the entire room. David was nowhere she could see. She felt her pulse start to quicken and her stomach knotting in a way that made her sick.
"We're not quite done getting dinner together," said Esther. "Why don't you guys go and sit down while you wait? Lucy, I think David's finishing up some reading in his room." She smiled warmly at her, in a way that made her want to cry. She didn't want Esther to think of her any differently. She gave a weak smile.
David was bent over his desk reading Shakespeare. He looked like he was exhausted, like he hadn't slept in a couple of days. His face was paler than usual and he wore only his white shirt, letting the straps of his suspenders fall lazily down the sides of his pants. He looked up at the sight of her in the doorway.
He smiled. "Hey."
"Hi." She leaned herself into the doorframe.
"You okay?"
She shrugged and walked to the desk, leaning herself against it. She took one hand in another and twiddled her thumbs about each other. She felt him looking at her with a mixture of worry and anticipation, and she was too nervous to even fake small-talk.
"Was work okay? You seem upset."
"Oh, ya know…" she stammered. "Work's work."
He nodded, giving up. He got to his feet and stretched out his back. Sighing, he gave her a peck on the cheek as he walked by, as if they had been doing it for years. He closed the door quietly, leaving it open a crack. Lucy felt the room get ten times smaller than its actual size and her hands went cold and clammy. She shakily pushed herself up onto the desk and let her feet dangle in front of her.
"So." David pulled his chair to face her. "I'm goin' to the train station tomorrow to get the tickets."
She looked at him speechlessly.
"Am I getting one ticket or two?" He was leaning himself on his elbows, his hands clasped together so tight that his knuckles were white and the muscles were taut in his forearms. Though his tone was casual Lucy could sense otherwise from his body language alone.
She took a piece of hair in front of her face and started twisting it around. "Why d'you want me to go with you anyway? Won't I just be a burden in your work?"
His face fell. "Well, no, not really. I'd miss you is all. A month is a long time to be away, and I thought…"
She gulped down a beating lump in her throat. She yanked on her hair hard and was afraid to look him in the eyes. It was then, in the pause of his sentence, that she for some reason had a vivid flashback of sleeping with him and her face flushed burning hot.
He sat back and tried to loosen up. "I just thought it would be a good way to spend time together. I really have strong feelings for you, Luce. I need you there in Virginia with me to keep me company and to keep me happy. Is that so bad?"
She brushed the hair out of her face with her palm and finally spoke. "It's New York, ya know? I feel like I just got here."
"You've been here for almost seven months," he said bluntly.
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Sorry, it's just…How much time d'you need?"
"Well, what exactly are you waiting for me to do? What is it you're wanting me to rush into?"
He exhaled deeply and got up, pacing the small space of his room. "I'm not asking you to do any favors for me." He rested his arms above him at the window frame, staring through the glass with his back towards her. "I want you in Virginia. New York is…Well, it's New York. Too much happens here. You need to slow down every so often, know what I'm saying?"
"What've you got against New York all of a sudden?" Lucy got to her feet and there was defensiveness in her voice.
"It's not New York, it's…" he trailed, leaving the end of the sentence like a cliffhanger.
Before Lucy thought on it the words came out. "It's me, isn't it?"
He turned around and looked at her unfaltering gaze.
"It's not New York you're talkin' about, it's me. You want me to slow down. You want me to leave. With you. You don't think I can take care 'a myself here so you wanna keep me somewhere else. Isn't that it?"
He said nothing but his expression was rising in tension and his jaw was starting to clench. She could tell she was starting to get in the right direction, digging out the truth behind his words.
"I can take care 'a myself, David. I don't need you to watch over me."
"I'm not trying to patronize you—"
"Then why're you so worried?" she interrupted loudly. "Why're you so afraid to leave me alone? What, is it that you don't trust me or something?"
His face was blank.
"You don't trust me," she stated with clarity. "You don't trust me to be alone. You think you'll lose me. You think he's gonna come and snatch me back up again, don't you?"
"Lucy, stop—"
"No, David, that's it!"
He walked forward and stopped inches from her body. "I want you to stop where you're going. Alright? Just stop it. What's so bad about wanting to take you to Virginia? What's so horrible about me wanting you around? Yes, I think it would be good for you to get a change of scenery. If you come to Virginia, if you be with me, you'll be happy."
"Why d'you think going away will suddenly make us happier?"
"Because I need…" he huffed, finding the right words. "I need something I know I can't lose to anyone else."
Lucy unclenched her jaw and stared into his dark, deep blue eyes that were fearful as they were determined. That's precisely what they were – bound by fear of losing her to Spot. It suddenly wasn't about her happiness anymore; it was about his. Being with her made him happy and secure, even if she wasn't entirely committed to him.
"You want me in Virginia so I can be what you want me to be." She gulped down a difficult breath. "You don't see me at all."
"That's not true."
She shook her head. She could feel their relationship breaking apart before her eyes. "If you knew me you'd know I don't want the life you want. I'm not like you, David. I never will be. I'm not used to stability and studying and school. I'm not logical or rational – I'm messy and emotional and dramatic and I don't care about getting in trouble. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. It can't work this way…"
He was silent for a moment until he suddenly said, "You're asking for another heartbreak."
"What d'you mean?"
"You've been comparing me and Spot all along, haven't you?"
"David…"
He shook his head and emotions started to liven up his entire being. He paced a small circle quickly before unleashing a barrage of pent-up thoughts. "You know, I don't get how you still hold on to him when I'm here – right here – standing in front of you, trying so hard to make you see that he's no good. That it's me you deserve to be with. It's me you can trust. It's me you can depend on. Goddamn, Lucy, I'm so much better for you than he is and I can't understand for the life of me why it's so hard for you to see that!"
She suddenly felt incredibly nervous – it was too much for her too fast.
"No, I'm not the type a person who always has a trick up his sleeve or a way to stick in your mind even if you don't want me there. I'm sorry I'm deeper than that. I'm sorry my words don't stay with you because you think they mean something they don't. I'm not Spot and I never will be, and thank God for that!"
"I'm not askin' you to be Spot!"
"Yes, you are! Lucy, you call his name out in your sleep and when you look at me sometimes I can tell you wish I were him. You don't think I see you but I see a lot more than you think."
Lucy sighed loudly, childlike and temperamental.
David continued. "I'm frustrated because what better person are you gonna end up with, huh? I'm stable – and trustworthy – and I'm there for you. What more could you possibly want?" He stood with his arms out, his chest breathing harshly.
It was then that Lucy realized that what had held them together was the happy mistake that David had caught her when she fell from Spot's arms, and he was undeniably happy to be that person. What he gave her – everything he had – was only a temporary comfort until she'd glued herself back together. But she was whole now and what he gave her wasn't permanent. It was breakable and finite, in a way that David could never see coming. What had kept them together, it wasn't attraction, love, or desire. It wasn't any of those things. They were simply disconnected, and it was only a matter of time before the ticking clock of their relationship finally stopped.
He dropped his head and scratched his neck. "I don't know what else to say to make you understand."
"You shouldn't 'make' me do anything," she shot back immaturely.
David clenched his jaw, visibly hurt.
She crossed her arms and tried to redeem herself. "I know you're a good person. I'm not choosing him…" She could hardly trust her own words, though. "I'm just sorry I can't be the person you deserve to give everything to."
David looked up and when he did, he understood what was happening here.
Lucy shook her head. "I don't want to hurt you but I can't go to Virginia with you." She couldn't bear looking into his eyes and she had nothing left to say. They'd left it all there in the crushing space between them, in that cramped, uncomfortable bedroom where everything was suddenly real and honest and painful.
David crossed his arms and straightened up, in what Lucy assumed was an attempt to hide his hurt feelings. He gulped loudly and said in a clear voice, "I can't believe I'm losing you to him."
"You're not losing me to him, he doesn't have my heart."
"Sometimes I'm not so sure about that."
Without giving her a chance to respond he turned his back to her once again and rested his arms against the window glass.
She at least wanted to have a better goodbye. This was the image she was going to have of him for a while now – his back to her and his words of disbelief and faithlessness.
When she knew she couldn't take any more, she opened the door. The rest of the Jacobs were sitting at the table quietly starting to eat their meal. Jack hadn't touched his food, though. He was watching the door to the bedroom all along, and when he saw the painful look on his sister's face, he backed up his chair at once and stood up. Without saying a word, and without looking at anyone else, even though the entire Jacobs family directed their glances at the two of them, he motioned for Lucy to come with him. She kept her eyes down and her face hidden.
Jack opened the apartment door and remained close behind Lucy as she descended the staircase. It took her what felt like ages, and she was unsure if this was a conscious action or not, because as soon as she made it to the very last step, she paused and tried to make a memory of the apartment building – she wasn't so sure she would ever see it again.
A/N: They should call Spot a gnat instead...he's always there somehow! Never goes away! Alright, this note probably didn't fit the tone of the chapter. Thoughts are greatly appreciated!