Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided
Chapter 10: The Assemblage of Awesomeness
Adam made sure to close the trapdoor to hell so that its precious heat wouldn't seep out and make global warming worse than it already was. He then turned around to find himself in a penthouse on one of the highest floors of the convention center, despite the fact that this floor had a trapdoor to hell, which paradoxically suggested close proximity to the center of the Earth. (Though to be fair, if you've read this far into the fic and this is what bothers you out of all the inconsistencies, then I'm afraid you might need some serious psychological help.)
Viktor Marchenko stood in front of a large window overlooking London in all of its depressing yellow and orange hues. The demon parakeet, Belial, sat on his right shoulder like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, only Viktor was more like the parrot as far as this hierarchy was concerned.
"I think we all know how this is going to end," said Viktor.
Adam said, "Well if this is anything like a typical trollfic, it will end with everyone having an orgy so outrageous and explicit that it will cause the universe to implode, and then a disembodied voice will say 'Amen', or something along those lines."
"Come now, Adam. I know we've both committed a great many atrocities, but I doubt either of us would ever stoop that low. No, we are two mortal men who have ascended to godhood. This is a divine battle of— Ow!"
The parakeet bit Viktor's ear. "Now's not the time for meaningless monologuing," said Belial in his deep voice. "I command you to remove this pest from my presence!"
Viktor straightened himself like a soldier before a drill sergeant. "Yes, master."
Adam's nanoblades ejected forth and he charged at Viktor with a manly roar, but Viktor grabbed the blades in his meaty hands.
Viktor chuckled. "Do you honestly believe you are going to lay a scratch on me with these box cutters?" He squeezed the blades, shattering them into zero pieces.
"No! " said Adam in disbelief.
"Face it Adam. You are obsolete. You are like the Windows 95 of the cyborg world, and I'm. . . . Whatever the latest version of Windows is. Not that I would know what that is. I've never been good with computers. Don't judge me!"
Adam belched in Viktor's face, hoping that the putrefaction of his breath would cause his face to melt, or at least make him vomit, anything, but no, it had no effect.
Viktor threw his head back and laughed. "Ha! That actually smells good compared to what I'm used to! Now it's my turn!" He produced a belch so loud it was deafening and earthshaking like the air horn of a barge and reeked of fermented diesel.
Adam opened his mouth wide and the antique cuckoo bird sprang forth towards Viktor's face along with a steady stream of vomit, but the vomit didn't bother Viktor and he seized the bird with lightning fast reflexes and snapped it free from its scissoring mechanism.
"What the hell do you think you are, a grandfather clock? You are even more obsolete than I expected!" Viktor pulled down his pants and a punching glove on an extending scissoring mechanism sprang forth from his enormous dickhole and sucker punched Adam in the stomach, sending him flying backwards into the stone bust of Caesar Seth from the album cover of Therion's Beloved Antichrist. The bust toppled off its stand and shattered into a bazillion pieces. (It looked really bored anyways.)
Frank McCallister was sitting in an armchair nearby while reading a National Geographic magazine with pictures of topless tribal women cause he couldn't afford legit naughty magazines. He put the magazine down and scowled at Adam. "Look what you did, ya little jerk!"
Adam whipped out a pistol. "You thought it was hilarious when that decoration fell on that old lady, right? Well how's this for karmic retribution!" He shot a Christmas tree decoration and it fell over on top of Frank, reducing him into cranberry sauce and sending his soul to Christmas heaven, which was like heaven only it was Christmas 24/7, which got really boring really fast.
Adam stood up and aimed his pistol at Viktor. If this boss was anything like the bosses he fought during the events of Deus Ex: Human Revolver, then he knew that it would take an ungodly amount of bullets to take him down. He fired several shots. All of them ricocheted off of Viktor's thicc body, but one of them did manage to hit the parakeet and reduce it into a puff of giblets and feathers.
Viktor gasped and stooped down to gather up the feathers and gore as though in some vain attempt on putting the bird back together. "No, master Belial!"
An animal rights activist materialized out of nowhere and pointed at Adam. "That's animal cruelty!"
"Well technically it was a demon and not an actual animal," said Adam matter-of-factly.
"It doesn't matter! You should be forced to worship the very image of animals!"
Adam and Viktor nodded in agreement and they both fired their unicorn blasters at the activist, reducing the subject of unspecified gender into a vast array of special snowflakes.
"At least we agree on one thing," said Viktor. "Now where was I? Oh yeah, kicking your ass." He lifted a refrigerator over his head. "You need to chill out!"
He threw the fridge at Adam and it bounced off his forehead, making him say "Ow" in the most unenthusiastic way possible before falling over.
The fridge landed in an upright position, the door flung open, and Alex Vega and old Indiana Jones tumbled out.
Adam gaped at Alex. "Alex Vega? What are you doing here?"
Alex pointed at Viktor. "I was kidnapped by that bionic brute!"
"What a stereotypically evil and sexist thing to do! And what are you doing here, Indie?"
Indiana Jones cracked his back. "I was trying to get out of a bad sequel, but it looks like I've ended up in an even worse fanfic. I'm getting too old for this crap."
"I was meaning to save those two as a snack for later," said Viktor, "but now I'm afraid they are going to have to be a part of the main course." He stepped forward, his heavy footsteps making the whole penthouse tremble.
Adam stepped in front of Alex. "You can take the old man, but the girl is mine!"
Indie threw up his hands. "Oh that's not discriminatory at all!"
Viktor chuckled again. "It's not like you have a say in the matter, Adam. You will never be able to beat me. I am more advanced than you in every way."
Adam had already given everything he had in terms of combat strategies and recycled jokes. It seemed that he had no way of beating him, but then he remembered how Hellfire Warhorse had encouraged him to make friends. It was then that he realized that he held the key to defeating Viktor after all. "Gratuitous cameos, assemble!"
Adam whipped out the bottle of Mr. Clean's All Purpose spray and squeezed the handle, unleashing Mr. Clean, who now reluctantly served Adam.
The joint smoking Shiba Inu appeared from a puff of weed smoke and dabbed. "BORK BORK, MUTHAF***AS!"
Pink puffs of perfume wafted out of Adam's nostrils and accumulated together to reform Pennywise. (So I guess Adam was possessed by Pennywise this whole time?)
Hellfire Warhorse trotted out of Hell's trapdoor and joined the roster.
"Hellfire?" asked Adam. "But what are you doing up here? Won't you disintegrate if you are not in hell?"
"Only if I stay up here for too long, but I don't plan on doing that. I'm going to make this quick like my ex-boyfriend."
Viktor shrugged. "What the hell do you guys think you are, some kind of second-rate Avengers?"
"You know what Viktor, you're right. I can't beat you by myself, but with the power of friends on my side I can overcome any obstacle!"
"Are you serious? That was so lame. It sounded like a last minute lesson from the end of a My Little Pony episode."
"Actually, I did learn that from a pony." Adam gave Hellfire a brofist.
Viktor face palmed. "You really have stooped to an all-time new low, and it is for this very reason that I stand justified in ending your life."
"Not if we end yours first!"
Mr. Clean rubbed his sponges against Viktor's already ugly man-face, permanently making it uglier than before.
Pennywise transformed into Viktor's most homophobic fears, paralyzing him with fear.
Indiana Jones whipped Viktor with his whip. "Bad! Be nice!"
Hellfire Warhorse turned around and kicked a hind foot through the air several times, producing astral horseshoes that hurled through the air towards Viktor, each and every one of them hitting him square in the bionic ball sack.
The Shiba Inu threw fidget spinners like shurikens at Viktor while all the meanwhile having his boombox blast the most obnoxious techno music. "TAKE THIS YOU CAILLOU LOOKING MUTHAF***A!"
An animal rights activist materialized out of nowhere and repeatedly stabbed Viktor in the stomach with a sharpened stick of celery.
Captain Marvel punched him in the face.
Alex punched him in the balls.
Thanos turned half of Viktor's family into dust before his very eyes just to make him feel sad.
Millennial Lex Luthor forcibly shoved Jolly Ranchers down Viktor's throat, making him cough and gag.
Dr. Diabetus flew in on his floating chair and pressed a button on his armrest. A gun came out of the bottom of his chair and shot Viktor with insulin needles. "Nobody escapes the wrath of Dr. Diabetus! Muhahahahahahahaha!"
Noctis and his friends hacked and slashed away at him with a fuster cluck of swords.
Jupiter Jones slapped a tampon on Viktor's face and shrugged.
Sora bludgeoned Viktor with a Deus Ex keyblade made out of nanomachines. "HOPE WE CAN FIND SOME INGREDIENTS AROUND HERE!"
Ultra Instinct Shaggy sucker punched Viktor in the stomach with only 1% of his power.
Kratos bashed him over the head with his angry maracas.
Wander climbed up Viktor's back as though he were some kind of colossus and then repeatedly stabbed a knife through a glowing glyph on the top of his head.
Some Mexican boy with horns called Ico ran in and started beating Viktor with an ugly stick.
The stained glass demon from Medievil (who I guess is not dead after all) came and smashed a framed window over his head, and then shook it about so that the shards of glass left on the frame would puncture his neck from every direction.
KOS-MOS fired homing lasers from her thicc robo abs. (She was channelling her anger from when Shion told her that she needed to go on a diet, not that you would be able to tell from her emotionless expression.)
Fei Fong Wong and all of his various incarnations punched and kicked him while spouting philosophical jargon.
Shulk tried to stab Viktor with the Monado, but he hadn't unlocked its true power yet, so it couldn't harm humans.
Buzzsaw Billy the Amish man pointed at Viktor. "Take this, you cyborg slut!" He held up a hand with the Ring of Solomon. It glowed with evil red energy and summoned hordes of demon dogs that mauled on Viktor's nether regions.
Adam punched Viktor so hard that his astral form flew out of his body, and then his astral form's astral form flew out of his body, followed by his astral form's astral form's astral form flying out of his body, and then Doctor Strange's astral form flew in and punched the astral form's astral form's astral form so hard it flew back and merged back into his astral form's astral form, and then the astral form's astral form merged back into his astral form, and then finally his astral form merged back into his body, leaving him weary as he stooped down to one knee.
"Go ahead, Adam. Kill me already."
Adam would've gladly killed him, but then he remembered how Hellfire Warhorse had encouraged him to not kill people just for the sake of it, so he figured he may as well go through with it for at least a couple of days before backsliding to his old ways just like everyone and their New Year's resolutions.
"I won't kill you, but I won't save you either."
Viktor raised an eyebrow. "Seriously, did you just quote Batman Begins just now?"
". . . . Maybe."
"What do you think you are? A second-rate Batman?"
"Second-rate Batman? That's a very funny way of saying first-rate Batman."
Superman flew in and punched Viktor so hard that he flew backwards, smashed through the window, narrowly avoided crashing through two towers, and landed in the parking lot of an elderly home, his body blowing up like a meat bomb and killing all of the innocent elderly people mere hours before they were expected to die of natural causes.
"Yes, I want MORE!" said Superman with much bloodlust as he flew away, intent on giving revenge to all of the villains who took advantage of his pacifist ways and played psychological mind games with him.
Alex stared at Adam with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Oh Adam, I'm so happy. I don't know what it is, but something about murdering bad guys is so romantic."
"You're still not mad at me for saying your hair looks like a bumblebee, are you?"
"No, it never actually bothered me. Besides, I recently found out that both my Patronus and my daemon are bumblebees, so it's actually quite fitting."
"Oh, well that's good, because I didn't mean to say any of that," Adam lied.
Adam and Alex locked their lips together and performed an awkward imitation of what we humans call 'a kiss', though it looked more like they were giving each other CPR. It was the hottest thing since the sex scenes in Ride to Hell: Retribution, which was to say that it was the complete opposite of hot.
Everyone else clapped as obligated by societal norms and not because they genuinely cared for this shipping, which all things considered was actually quite forced, but this was nothing new as far as fanfiction was concerned.
As for Viktor Marchenko, his soul ascended to hippo heaven where he was confronted by Moto Moto, who called him "Chunkier than an OG Xbox" and then proceeded to take him out on a date at gunpoint. (Actually I take that back. It wasn't hippo heaven. It was hippo hell.)
And London was still ignorant as to who actually blew up those residential homes.
Dumbkind would forever be . . . Dumbvided.
That's all folks!