In answer to previous reviews; I love Scotty, really, and I understand he does have more of a life than JUST the engines, but it's pretty much a humor fic. Don't take it seriously!

Thanks to all reviewers for input. :) Also, suggestions would be great!

Disclaimer; I do not own Star Trek, nor do I make any money off of this text.

Because, sadly, not much is know about Sulu; but he is into botany!

"Do you have an explanation for this, Ensign Sulu?" Captain Renalds asked tersely, clenching his jaw.

"Lieutenant Sulu, Sir." Sulu corrected.

"Not for much longer. What did you do?"

"I just wanted a friend for Gertrude - "

"For who?"

"My weeper plant," Sulu said somewhat abashedly. "She was lonely."

"Your plant."

"Yes."

"Your plant was lonely."

"Yes, Sir."

"Your plant was lonely, so you got another plant that's eating the crew."

"Technically, Sir, it's not really eating them, just, kinda, capturing them…?"

"Ensign?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

A very, very, very large plant of rather questionable parentage was taking up most of the hall outside Sulu's quarters. And the inside of his quarters too, or so he imagined. Really, he'd just wanted a friend for Gertrude, and the plant, Francis (he was assuming it was male), had really been a normal-sized and pleasant looking plant a few days ago when he had come aboard the U.S.S. Takatoya. It wiggled a little, and occasionally growled or purred, but then so did Gertrude. Of course… the captain and Mr. Spock had been poisoned by plants from Francis' home planet… hmm. Of course, this was considerably different than poison.

Sulu saw a security guard, frustrated, hold up a phaser.

"No! Don't hurt Francis!" He insisted, rushing forward and waving his hands. The guard jumped and looked at him like he was a maniac as he took the phaser.

Hmm. He seemed to get that look a lot…

Renalds made a strangled noise. "You named it?"

"You can't hurt him," Sulu insisted again. "He could be - sapient."

"Sapient."

"Yes!"

"A plant."

"Yes!"

"…A sapient plant."

"Yeah! I bet he's just afraid. Why not?"

"Because it's a plant!" Oh, Renalds would be having a long discussion with Kirk after this.

"So? At least let me try to talk to him!"

"It's a plant!"

Renalds was ignored, Sulu squeezing through the frantic group of scientists studying the plant (from a safe distance) to jump right at it.

Reaching vines swung him into the air almost immediately, but Sulu was used to far worse things on Enterprise.

"It's alright, they're not going to hurt you," Sulu cooed. Upside down, he reached out to pet a vine soothingly. There was a distinct crack as his ankle was snapped. The plant started growling. "Now, I know you're very frightened, Francis, but they'll calm down and stop all this if you release the other people there, hmm? And then we can drop you off on a nice planet, if you'd like." Then, feeling generous; "You can even take Gertrude with you, if you'd like. And if she's okay with it. You'll like Gertrude."

He heard a few curses from Renalds below him, but he was used to McCoy, seriously. Was that supposed to intimidate him? He turned his attention back to Francis, who was growling more quietly.

He patted a few leaves consolingly. "I probably shouldn't have taken you from your planet. I apologize, I didn't realize you were intelligent. A lot of plants aren't. I can probably get you back to your home, and if not at least some other planet where you can be, er, happy." He paused briefly, considering if plants could be happy. "Could you please let those ensigns down?"

There was silence from the plant, and then a slight rustling.

THUD.

"OW!"Sulu smiled cheerfully as the ensigns were released. "Thank you! I'll talk to Renalds." The plant wasn't releasing him, but that was alright. It was, he concluded, a definite sign of intelligence, holding onto a bargaining chip. Hmm, he hoped Francis would let him take a skin… er, leaf sample before he left. A sapient plant!

"Captain, Francis wants us to drop him and Gertrude off at the planet I got him at, do we have time?" He rattled off a few coordinates.

Francis started purring.

There was a considerable pause before the answer reached him.

"…Eh?"

"I think we're going to be here awhile, Francis. Hey! How about I tell you a story? This was one of my favorites. Once upon a time…."

"Francis, I think you need to get some rain, you smell a little."

"…"

"Ow! Since when do you have thorns?"

Sulu was very depressed, three days later, to see Francis and Gertrude off. He hugged Francis' vines mournfully. A shame, really. Francis had a great sense of humor.

"Ensign?"

"Lieutenant."

"…Lieutenant. How about this; I agree to not mention this in my reports, and you go back to the Enterprise three weeks early without a fuss."

"How?"

"How the hell did you break your leg and ankle over there?" McCoy demanded. Sulu just shrugged at the rhetorical question as the doctor hovered around. An inconvenience, being bed ridden, but who cared? It gave him time to analyze those samples from Francis!

"Wipe that smirk off your face!"