A/N: Here we are at the NM phase. It won't be a whole book's worth, I promise.

The characters are not mine.

Chapter six: We are but older children

EPOV

The first week away was pathetic.

When I left her house that night, I made it about 100 miles before I pulled over to the side of the road and retched. I needed to purge, to try to rid my system of all traces of her. She would never leave my mind; I would never forget her scent, but just for that moment, maybe I could be the one to pretend.

I was only able to drive for another hour before I needed to stop for the day.

The windows on the Volvo weren't tinted dark enough, and I hated to think how many accidents I might cause driving down the highway in broad daylight.

I could imagine the poor driver trying to explain it away.

"I was driving along, minding my own business, when this guy passed me, and his skin was shining like diamonds. I was blinded by it."

"Excuse me ma'am, but have you been drinking?"

"I swear, officer, he was sparkling."

It almost made me laugh. But it wasn't a laughing matter. Well, maybe a little.

I was in the middle of nowhere with no good tree cover, so a hotel was necessary. "Hotel" was too generous a title. The better term would be dilapidated roadside motel.

It was the kind of place bad things happened in. The bed reeked of semen, and I was grateful I didn't need to use the shit streaked toilet.

I chose this place though. There was a perfectly good mid level chain hotel about five miles down the road. But I didn't belong there. Monsters didn't deserve clean sheets, mints on the pillow, or little bottles of shampoo in the bathroom.

Monsters deserved fleas, remnants of drug deals, and stench.

This was the perfect hotel for me.

I sat on the chair in the corner. Trying not to think about Bella. Failing miserably.

When I envisioned her body splayed in invitation, I slammed my fist down hard on the table next to me splintering into a million pieces.

By the time dusk fell, I had plotted my next destination, determined the number of miles I would drive, and figured out when and where I would next hunt.

But being the complete ass that I am, I got in the car as the light faded and headed straight back toward Forks.

I got within about fifteen miles before I slammed on the breaks, and pulled off to the side of the road. Fuck. What was I doing? I couldn't go back. I could not be near her. One way or another, my staying would mean her death. And that would be unacceptable. Unbearable. Literally.

I had to go. I absolutely had to go.

I stayed in my car for three hours, until I felt a surge of resolve. I pounded the steering wheel, started the engine and whipped the car around. I took off in another direction.

Rage, desperation, sadness, and injustice fought for domination inside me. Around three, rage was winning so I stopped to drain three deer before sadness came back swinging.

By morning, I found another dump, equally repulsive and resplendently perfect.

Once again, my course was set by nightfall. And for second time, I went in the exact opposite direction of my plans.

I had turned off my phone, trying to create as much distance as possible, but by the third night, the silence was deafening. I needed help. I called Alice.

"Indecisive much?" She giggled, but didn't seem amused.

"Understatement," I retorted. I didn't know what I expected from her or why I was calling, but I wasn't finding any answers on my own.

"Why don't you at least come to the house instead of sitting in your car all night?" It was a fair question, and I'd obviously considered it.

"Because I'd never leave."

"Well silly that would be the point." I could hear the "duh" in her tone.

"Alice, I honestly don't know what to do." I didn't need to say more. She knew the decisions I'd been struggling to make.

"Everyone keeps asking me how you are, and I have no idea what to tell them. What should I tell them?"

"I wish I knew, Alice."

"I haven't told them where you are either. You know Emmett would be there to pound some sense into you if he knew you were just down the road."

"Thank you. I just . . . I don't know what to say to anyone.." I had actually wondered if they knew.

"You can't keep this up, you know?"

"I'm aware of that. It's just . . . I'm so conflicted."

"I gathered." I could almost see her wandering around her room as she talked to me. Turning around in circles, bouncing on the bed, walking to the window. She was antsy. She knew what I was going to ask next.

"How is she?"

"Bella?" The mock innocence was annoying.

"Alice."

"Sorry, um, actually, not so good."

"What do you mean?" My tone was accusatory and I immediately felt like a hypocrite. I was the one responsible for whatever state Bella was in, but Alice must have understood because she ignored it.

"She's a mess, Edward. She's not eating or sleeping. She didn't come to school the next morning, so I went to check on her. She was pacing around her room, and suddenly she was at the window. I don't think she saw me, I was tucked way in, and it was dark, but she stared at the tree for a long time. She opened the window, and called out, 'Edward?' She waited, and when she didn't get a response, she fell apart in the middle of the room. It was heartbreaking. I almost went in to comfort her.

I wanted to retch again. I felt sick. My head was dizzy, and my stomach was in knots. I hadn't been sick in over a hundred years. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this awful.

I thought she'd be mad. I thought she'd go to school and tell everyone what jerk I was.

"We set up kind of a suicide watch for her. Rosalie was pretty pissed about that, but none of us wanted her death on our hands. Sorry, but it's , she came back to school today. I think her dad forced the issue. He was threatening to send her back to Phoenix, and she didn't want to go. She was like a walking zombie. I don't think she talked to anyone, and people just kind of avoided her. She sat at a table by herself in the lunch room and all the kids just kind of stared at her. It was pathetic really."

I threw my head back against my seat.

"I don't know what to do." Bella's reaction was so unexpected, it threw me. I'd seen her as so strong, so brave. Her inability to cope made me realize she was more insecure than I'd anticipated. A part of me wanted to run back and scoop her in my arms, but the other part knew that her weakness was the exact reason I should say away. It was why I left in the first place. She is human.

"You are only a few minutes away. Maybe you could go to her. Give her some closure or something."

I closed my eyes and imagined what I would see. It wasn't much of a stretch. At this time of the night, she was probably in her semi naked repose. The sleeping figure rolled over, and one leg crossed over the other as she rested on her side. Revealing the perfect curve of her backside, uninhibited by pants or blankets.

"Oh never mind, then!" Alice interrupted. "Obviously, you wouldn't be able to handle that. Sheesh. You're as bad as Emmet."

I chuckled. But I felt the ache in my chest where my heart used to beat. It didn't seem fair. How fucking long I wanted for someone who would spark a flame? And now all I'd done was to cause her an unimaginable pain.

"What are my options, Alice?"

"You already, know."

"Humor me."

"Well, come back and keep doing what you were doing."

"Too dangerous. Even if I didn't kill her, she'll figure too much out. She already suspects too much. The Volturi have too big a reach. What else?"

"I suppose you've got option #2."

"Change her?"

"Yes."

"I can't do that."

"Is what we are so bad?"

"Soulless eternity? It's not exactly a dream come true, Alice."

"You could give her the choice. I mean maybe if she's the one . . ."

"No, I won't condemn her to being a monster."

Alice didn't' say anything else. None of the others were willing to see us for what we were.

"Then I guess all you have left is to leave."

"That's what I thought."

"But I really wish you would do something for her. Isn't there anyway to explain? It's really bad, Edward. I'm not getting very clear reads on anything for her because she's kind of checked out. Not really making any decisions."

"I don't know, Alice. I'll think about it okay?"

"Thanks. Oh and Edward?"

"Yes."

"If you're going to go, go. Don't keep doing this to yourself, or to me, every night. I kind of get my hopes up when I know you're this close." For all my years of experience, for all my complaints that I didn't need a "parents," I felt exactly like a seventeen year old boy. So consumed with my own problems that I had completely disregarded the effect on others.

I drove as far away as I could that night, and the next night, I kept going in the opposite direction of Forks. I weaved through the landscape of the northern states, crossing up into Canada here and there. I seriously considered ditching the car and blending into the natural landscape, but I wasn't ready to let go of myself that way. My cars had always represented love, but now it was a home, a source of stability, a reminder of humanity. Without it, I could easily give into base needs and wants. When I thought of detaching myself from civilization, my reflection in the mirror looked too much like the monster in Bella's dreams for my liking.

Alice had nailed my options in regards to Bella perfectly. In the end I left to secure her safety. On two levels. From me, of course. Though I had to admit if I could survive feeling her climax against my tongue, the chances of my slipping were less pronounced than even Carlisle expected.

Carlisle. He wanted me to leave. He never came out and said it, but I knew it because it was what he did. He'd stated it so simply, so clearly. Staying with a human Esme wasn't an option. It wasn't right. What would he think of me if I were too weak to stay away?

In knowing me, her safety was compromised in other ways as well. There was a good reason why humans didn't know vampires existed. Anymore anyway. The Volturi. A guard of sorts, peacekeepers, royalty? I'm not really sure what to call them. I've never met a member of the Volturi, and I didn't particular long for the opportunity. They stayed in Italy unless there was a problem. Like an out of control vampire, or a nosy human.

We worked hard to make sure the water was calm when we left a location. And there had been times when we'd cut out much earlier than we wanted to simply because of suspicion.

It was never worth the risk no matter how long it had been since you'd run across another of our kind. You never knew where Volturi spies might be lurking.

With my phone off, I holed myself up in Minnesota for a while. Yet another dump of a motel in the middle of nowhere. I didn't leave the room. I watched the clock move. I lamented my life. I wallowed in the sea of my self sacrifice. Hitting the top of the water hard with my flat palm to watch my disappointment spray in the air.

And then I giggled. Like a god damn teenaged girl. Serves me fucking right. Couldn't have a spark with Rose or so much as a glowing ember for Tanya but my whole fucking existence burned for this insignificant little human girl. Absolutely brilliant! Why not? Sure, spend your years shutting out the lovemaking and pillow talk of your family. Do the right thing and break off a good fuck because you know it wasn't the right thing to do. And end up here.

Not that I knew where here was. What did I want from this girl? Her body, obviously. Her blood, undoubtedly. But I could have had either already, both even. Somehow I knew that if I took either or both, it still wouldn't be enough. I could never get enough of her.

Because it wasn't about the body at all. Not really. I wanted more than a physical connection with her. I wanted to know her, to laugh with her, to learn with her. I wanted the one thing that I didn't have access to her, her mind.

But she wasn't wherever here was. Never would be. And I was about to spend eternity pining for a human girl. Who will move on. Who will take other lovers. Who will grow old. Who will die. I would never do any of those things.

And I lived somewhere in between the past and the future, suspended in time and space. Wanting what I had for such a short period of time—whatever it was. Lust? Desire? Friendship? Love? The lack of an appropriate title didn't make it any less real.

I jumped into future scenes, imagining how it could all play out. A seventy year old Bella laying next to a seventeen year old me. I thought the movie Harold and Maude was as funny as the next person, but the reality was less appealing. . It wasn't about the sex alone though—it wasn't a realistic prospect for so many reasons—we'd never be equal in that scenario.

I changed the channel in my mind, to envision us as equals. She stood next to me matching my skin, my eyes, my strength. We ran. We hunted. We loved. And I could almost make myself believe it was a viable option. Came close to convincing myself I could go back and turn her right now. Or I could wait. She was human; she was weak. Eventually, she would have to need saving right? Maybe I could have a happily ever after a la Carlisle and Esme.

There were three problems with that idea. First, it couldn't be healthy to spend your time waiting for your partner to become gravely injured. I didn't know much about relationships, but somehow that seemed like an ill foundation. Second, as much as the idea of an equal excited me, I wondered how I would feel about Vampire Bella. Would the spark still be there? Or was it caused by the heat of her body connected to my coldness? Was it connected to the rhythmic pounding of her beating heart, the swishing of her blood through her veins and arteries? There would be no way to know until the deal was done. It would be just my luck to change her and no longer want her. But forever responsible for her well-being.

The final problem was that if I stared long enough at that station in the future, her image changed. She shifted from our side by side stance, and turned to face me. And every time she did, her appearance morphed much like the image of me had in her dream. Eventually, there was little humanity left to what I saw .

I couldn't make her a monster too.

Quite simply, my choices sucked. I wanted to make them go away. There was only one way to do that, and it wasn't easy. I'd had a long life. I'd loved my family. I'd saved lives and taken them. I'd felt the inside of a woman and had one climb inside my head and take up residence there. Maybe it was time. But how? I could only think of one way . . . The Volturi. So I passed more time exploring the quickest ways to ensure my demise.

The vibration of my phone alerted me to a new text.

CYE. A

I had an email address, though it was rarely used for anything personal. I hadn't checked messages in over a week, but save for junk mail, Alice's was the only new message.

Sent:

From: Alice Whitlock

To: Edward Cullen

Subject: Bella

I found these in her garbage can. I scanned them for you so you could see them. Please do something.

I opened the attachment to see Bella's handwriting. It was always sloppy, but on the first page, she seemed to have taken exceptional care.

Dear Edward,

I'm sorry if I pushed too hard. I've been thinking a lot about it, and maybe I scared you off. I didn't expect a relationship with you or anything. I enjoyed your company. That day with you was the best of my life, and I don't think anything could ever compare.

Yes, I was very curious about you, but I could have waited. I would have. Someday maybe you would be willing to tell me. In the meantime, I could live with the wonder if it meant I could live with you here.

I'm having a hard time finding a groove since you left. Nothing seems right anymore. I know that sounds strange, and maybe that's part of the reason you left too. As strange as things were with you, it's the only time I've ever really felt normal.

I miss you,

Bella

I banged my head against the wall, leaving a rather large divot. The problem was that I understood exactly what she meant. I wasn't sure whether I was reacting to the words themselves or the idea that she had poured herself into them. She was on the other side of these papers somewhere out there. I scrolled down the page and read on.

Dear Edward,

I am confused. Did I do something wrong? I thought things were going pretty well, and the day we spent together was amazing. I've never felt anything like that before.

I read the note you left in the car, and it just said you were leaving and wouldn't be back. Why? Did something happen? Are you mad at me?

If I did something, I can fix it. If you give me a chance, I can be a better friend or whatever you want me to be. I'll do anything you ask. Just please let me know what I did to make you go away. Please call me.

Bella

I growled at the end of the second letter. The sting of her insecurity lingered. I did that. I was not a good man. I was almost grateful to see the tone shift in the third letter.

Edward,

Why did you leave? Why? How could you just leave like that with no real explanation? I didn't expect to be your girlfriend or anything, but I thought we were friends. More than friends obviously. I don't exactly run around dropping my pants for any guy you know. I really liked you.

You know it's really not fair to think you had this great day with someone, to open yourself up in ways you never had. Then you wake up the next day to find out he's just gone. . It's enough to give a girl a complex. Did you know I never got off with a guy before? Did you care that it was like a first time for me? Did you even think about how I would feel?. Iit was really shitty, and I think I deserved better than that. I know I did.

You owe me an explanation.

Bella

She was right. She did deserve an explanation, but I had none to give. When I read the last letter, I wished I could high five her.

Edward,

You are a mother fucking asshole, and I hate your mother fucking guts.

Bella

I'd been waiting for that anger. I took it as a good sign. Anger trumped sadness in a situation like this. It was external—let her focus her energy on my faults rather than hers. It might propel her to forget about me someday. To move on to a nice normal boy who didn't sparkle in the sun or dream about sucking the life out of her, literally. Unfortunately, the notes didn't end with her calling me a motherfucker. If they had, it would all have been much simpler. Alice scribbled across the top of the last one: "This is from today." She wanted me to know the problem was current.

E,

I'm scared about how I feel. I think I love you. I don't know if I can live without you.

B.

It might have been the desperation. It might have been Alice's pleading. It may very well have been the fact that I was too weak to do anything else. I didn't even know what I was going to say. I couldn't tell you what I thought calling her would accomplish.

All I knew was the sound of Bella's voice brought me to my knees.

"Hello?"

"Bella," I breathed.

She gasped and in the quietest voice asked, "Is it really you?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does to me."

I should have had words, but they failed me. I listened to her breathe. I could hear the rhythmic pounding of her heart a thousand miles away. I closed my eyes and listened to the thumping and pumping.

"Are you still there?" she whispered.

"Yes."

"Why did you leave?" Her voice remained soft and tentative.

"I had to. I just had to go."

"Did I do something?"

"No. . . well yes. But it's not your fault. It's mine."

"I don't understand."

"I know, and I'm sorry." There was no way to explain this.

"Are you coming back?"

"I don't think so." I hated myself for my lack of answers.

"Why did you call?"

"I don't know that either. I don't think it's a good idea. I just want you to be safe."

"Safe? From what?"

"From lots of things. From me. From yourself."

"You wouldn't hurt me." It hadn't escaped me that she didn't say she was safe from herself.

"Things aren't always what they seem, Bella."

"Don't I know it? But what are they, Edward? What did you do to me?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"I can't eat. I can't focus on anything. I see you everywhere. I can't even sleep without you being there. Every song makes me think of you. What did you do? Was it a spell of some sort? A drug? Some sort of implant? Am I like wired to you now or something?"

"You're not making sense."

"Edward, you fucking sparkled in the sunlight! Your skin is so cold it burns to touch you. I don't know what sense is anymore. It would be so nice if something made sense for a change!"

"You've got to let this go. You just have a crush on a boy. Sometimes we can convince ourselves of things that don't exist."

"Don't exist huh? You think I'm crazy now? Well, I don't know what to think about any of this. All I know is t hat I felt good with you. Better than I ever have. It felt right to me. Tell me it didn't feel good to you."

I didn't answer.

"I know you came back that night. I played your game; I kept pretending. You couldn't stay away. You can't now either."

"I have to Bella."

"But you don't want to?"

Again, I remained silent.

"Fine, we're getting nowhere. Are you going to change your number?" As painful as it was, the return of her spunk sparked a smile from me.

She was too perceptive for her own good. "Probably."

"Please don't. I promise not to call."

"Then what difference would it make?"

"Well if there were an emergency or something . . ."

"Then you'd be breaking a promise."

"We all do sometimes."

"I don't." At least I didn't used to.

"Whatever. You could call me again you know. If you called me once in a while, I promise not to call you back. Not to push you."

"Why do you want that?"

"You already know why." So softly it could have been drowned out by butterfly wings flapping she announced, "I love you."

"Bella."

Her response was strained. Despite the distance between us, I could almost taste the salt of her tears.
"Don't say anything else. I'm sorry."

And she hung up.

I stared at my phone as the call details flashed on the screen.

I should have crushed it. I should have thrown it against a wall. I should have called and cancelled the account. But I didn't.

I simply powered it down for the night and plugged it into the wall charger.

It would always be ready for me.

E/N: A special little note to hmonster4. She's been really holding my hand through this one and inspiring so much. I'm so grateful for our beta relationship because she really digs into the story and isn't afraid to ask the important questions.

More thanks to JAustenlover for the eyes this week, and love to all the women who play on the thread. I've been thinking of you as "bunnies," but I don't expect you to wear a tail or anything.

So, let me say a quick note here. I hate Edward in the "NM" phase, as he makes terrible choices, but he is going to make terrible choices here too, because that's what Edward does.

Now, next chapter is a blog, where Bella does Q & A. If you were reading Bella's blog, what question would you ask her? Drop me a review, and I'll tell you one question she answers. Heck, I might even add yours!