BARKIS: I haven't a head for dates. Apparently I'm a day early for the ceremony.
VICTOR:( Coughs) More like a month early!
( When hearing about the poison)
EMILY: I'll never ask him!
( Victor comes in)
VICTOR: You don't have to- I'll do it.
( Emily takes off Victor's tie and gives horny look)
VICTOR: Not that it! Maybe on the honeymoon, though.
( Hildegaude carries out tiny cake. Everyone gets up and leaves.)
GUEST: Screw this! We'll just go to Victor and Emily's wedding.
VICTORIA: Wha-??!?!
GUEST: I guess you get news slowly. Victor and Emily are having a wedding with a monster cake and a kick a$$ band!
VICTORIA: Victor?
GUEST: Van Dort.
( All guests leave.)
VICTORIA: VICTOR!!! THE CHEATER!!!!!
( At the end when Emily turns into butterflies and goes to Heaven)
VICTOR: Ooh! The end! There will be a blackout and you know what happens!
VICTORIA: Oh, yeah!
( Blackout. Then it's the scene again and you see Victor and Victoria making out.)
VICTOR: A little privacy here!
EMILY: It's my eye isn't it?
VICTOR: No no, your eye is...lovely.
EMILY: Then...oh I see, it's because I'm blue, isn't it!
Victor: Dear people of the world: I, Willy Wonka, have decided to allow 5 lucky children into my factory.
Emily: Victor, dear, THIS ISN'T CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY! AND GET RID OF THAT STUPID HAT!
Victor: I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you mumble.
( Victor is opening up the wedding present and pulls out a bone)
VICTOR: Is this some kind of pun?
EMILY: May-be.
( Victor runs away, escared.)
EMILY: Dammit! It's always the bone part that made the last 20 men including Victor run away! I don't know why they would'nt want it. I mean, I'm super attractive.
( Mirror breaks out of nowhere.)
EMILY: Shut up you Goddamed mirror! No one asked you!
Barkis: Do call if you need my assitance...for anything. (he closes the two doors and then they fall on him)
Barkis: Damn it! That's the third time mother------!
Tim Burton: Sorry Barkey. Hey Bob, can you get some new hinges on those things.
Victoria: (spying on the wedding) Victor!
Skeleton: Shhhh!
(Victoria stays in the back and then Victor drinks the poison and dies. Then him and Emily kiss)
Victoria: That cheater!!!! He's a playa! (she storms out off church and bumps into Barkis)
Barkis: Oops sorry, where are you off to?
Victoria: Do you believe in the nobility of suicide?
Barkis: Oh, sorry I asked. (he goes into the church and realizes his bride just left)
Barkis: God flam it!