In the dark a gloomy corner of a men's Sauna the ancient vampire Astril was relaxing with his consensual friend Larry. The steam was doing wonder's at easing up the tension he had in his shoulders. This was almost as good as that time he trained monkeys to give back rubs. Too bad he ate the monkeys. He always did get the munchies' from smoking wolfs bane.

Astril was laid out on his back while Larry was sitting across from him. Today they just wanted to unwind and unload their problems on other people.

"Hey, Astril"

"Yeah"

"I'm really sorry to hash you buzz and all but I've got to get something off my chest. My dad died yesterday, my mother shot herself this morning, and all of my cousins below the age of 15 have mysteriously gone missing"

"Don't worry Larry. We all got to share our shit with our buddies every now and then. Also I'm really sorry about what happened to your family. Especially the last one, my bad."

"Nah, nah, its cool bro. You're a vampire and every thing I get it"

Astril poured some more water on the fire to get more steam. They'd need allot more of the dank for this bro talk to continue.

"Also sorry about screwing your great grandmother"

"Like I said. You're a vampire, I'm cool with it, screwing some ones ancestors back in the day comes with the territory"

"No, no, I mean sorry about doing it last Saturday"

"But she died last Saturday"

"Yeah, I guess it was too much for her little heart"

Now Larry put some more water on the fire. More dank was needed, time to resort to plan z. Larry pulled out a few J's and passed one to Astril.

"Thank you my brotha", said Astril.

Astril lit up his blunt using the fire. He started puffing but got nothing. How strange. Larry did the same with his blunt and violently convulsed before dying almost instantly. Oops, they must've mixed up who's joint was who's.

Time to dispose of a body.

Astril looked down at the body of his dead bro. Stuff like this really grinded his gears. Now he was starting to feel rather disagreeable. It was bright out side, however he didn't want his friend to swell up like a balloon so he had to get rid of him some how. This was gonna sting like a bitch.

Well there comes a time in every vampire's life when they must put their fortitude to the test. This was Astril's.

Astril picked up his buddy gently. Somberly the ancient vampire carried the perished remains outside of the Sauna. When the sun first kissed Larry's beautiful face Astril started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Mother of a- Cossacks balls- use the anit-tank rifle- put Vaseline on it- In the name of moon!- * garbled incoherent swearing * - Then cover it in Chocolate!"

Astril began sprinting straight towards the nearest building as quickly as his legs could carry him. In other wards he slammed through a glass storefront window at Mach 2 with blinding speed. Larry was reduced to chunks and manikin limbs went everywhere.

Astril fell to his knee's.

"Nooo!"

To add insult to injury none other then Sailor moon burst out of a near by changing room. She was pissed.

"In the name of the moon I will punish you!", she vowed while charging the ancient vampire.

"Fuck it!", was Astril's response.

He started hauling tail and ran like only an ancient vampire on angel dust could. His escape velocity was so great that the shop caught on fire and Sailor moon was forced to make a hasty retreat.

A pale-fleshed tall dark haired man wearing a towel basked in flames was seen sprinting through the streets of Tokyo. His mad dash was caught by several security cameras and reviewed countless times by the local police.

And that his how Astril, the ancient and noble vampire of old, became classified as a level 1 sex offender in the Island nation of Japan.