I went back to Natsume's house that evening with a few of the other guys but Robb was a no show. I suddenly started to get worried. I was sitting on Natsume's neatly presented bed, I watched him laugh and joke with the others. He looked beautiful and I really didn't want to disrupt him but I needed to know.

"Natsume?" "Yes?" he asked turning to face me. The whole room fell silent. "Can I speak to you outside?" I asked. "Sure" he said frowning, confused. "Ooh!" one of the boys called after us. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" another called. I rolled my eyes at them but smiled nonetheless.

"What's up?" he asked shutting the door so nobody could listen in. "What's wrong with Robb?" I asked. Natsume sighed, looking down at his shoes. He didn't say anything. "You promised to tell me" I reminded him. Natsume stared meaningfully into my eyes for a long time. "I don't know how you're gonna take this…" he began. He stopped, shook his head and grabbed my wrist, sitting me down on the softly carpeted floor.

"Are you sure you love me?" he asked. "Be honest" he added. "You know I do" I said. "Why? What's going on?" I asked. "Well, the thing is…Robb…He… He likes you and I do feel bad about being with you whilst knowing this, really I do. He's a great friend and when he first told me I had no idea you liked me so I thought I'd keep quiet and I thought you liked Robb anyway so I said to myself 'if it makes them both happy then whatever' but you came up to me and you kissed me and well… I gave in to my own selfish desire" he said.

I suddenly felt awful. "Will he ever speak to us again?" I asked trying not to cry. "He just needs time" Natsume said obviously trying to convince himself just as much as he was me. I was soothed a little by this and as Natsume put his arms around me I felt horribly guilty but I didn't want to dwell on it. I just hoped with all my might that he was right.

I suddenly smiled remembering something. "Did you really think you had turned gay?" I asked laughing. "Nah." He said. I looked at him doubtfully "Okay I guess I did" he said tickling me playfully. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. Some of the boys peeked through the door to see what was going on. One threw a pillow at Natsume. He was furious, I could see the rage in his eyes but I hit him with the pillow and before we knew it we all ended up having an incredibly childish pillow fight.

One of the pillows finally split and we collapsed, exhausted, onto the floor, surrounded by white feathers. I rested my head on Natsume's chest, listening to the pounding of his heart. I wanted to stay like this forever.

My phone began ringing. I was startled upwards "Hello?" I asked still laughing. "Hello Mikan?"

"Yes?"

"It's Emily, are you busy?"

Oh God, Emily-Robb's mum-never calls me. I wasn't even aware she had my number. Something must have happened.

I swallowed hard, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Is everything okay?" I asked nervously.

She hesitated. "There's been a bit of an accident, would you mind coming over to Kelsey Grove Hospital?"

"Why? Who's hurt? What happened?" I asked, chewing on the end of my nails.

"It's Robb" she said sobbing.

No, no, no!

"What?!? What's happened, God this is all my fault. I'm so very sorry. Truly I am" I said now sobbing.

"No, it's fine we don't blame you but I thought since you've been really close to Robb recently that you wouldn't mind coming to support him. He needs friends around him. He's been a bit depressed…"

"Why is he in hospital Emily?" I almost shouted out of nervousness.

"He…He…put a blade to his wrists, don't be too worried, the doctors say he will be fine. He's still unconscious but…" her voice cracked.

"Do you have any idea why he would do this? Is it me? Has he said anything to you?" she asked.

"No, no. It's not you it's me. It's all my fault. Oh God I am so sorry. I'm coming over right now, please don't be mad at me"

She sighed impatiently.

"It's okay, I'm not mad at you and nobody is blaming you. You shouldn't blame yourself; it's not going to help anyone. See you in a bit" she said hanging up, so I couldn't argue with her. She knew me well enough by now to know I never give up in an argument.

"I've got to go" I said to Natsume, the tears streaming out of my eyes seemed to be never-ending. "What's wrong?" He asked worried. "Nothing" I replied automatically. "I'm not letting you leave alone in this state, I'll come too" he said putting his jacket on. "I don't have time to argue with you" I said irritated. "Then don't" he said making his way out of the door.

Wow, he's more stubborn than I am! He let me lead him down to the bus stop and as we waited, I explained to him what was going on. It was almost pitch black outside but with Natsume I felt safe. I knew my mum would worry but I didn't bother calling, knowing if I did she would make me go home and wait until tomorrow to see Robb.

"This is not your fault" he said shaking his head. "Then who's is it?!?" I yelled at him. "It's nobody's fault, Robb is just being a bit of a drama queen. He's over-reacting" Natsume said calmly. "How can you say that?!" I said almost screaming, "He was one of your best friends he…" I began. "He still is" Natsume interrupted, as the bus finally arrived. Natsume held my hand "you just need to calm down okay? Everything will be fine" he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

The bus journey was silent, I couldn't stop myself from worrying, my arms and legs were shaking. I sat through the whole journey trying to work out what I was going to say to Robb. Natsume had his arm around me the whole time but even he, was uncharacteristically quiet.

The bus ride seemed to take forever, when we finally got to the hospital, I couldn't seem to make my legs move. I didn't want to see what lurked inside. Robb had always been so down-to-earth, so strong. I wouldn't be able to take seeing him in such a vulnerable state.

"Come on" Natsume said, pushing me forward. "I don't know if I want to" I mumbled. He squeezed my hand encouragingly "Sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do, Robb is in there and he needs us. Do it for him" he said. I couldn't say no to that.

We went inside the big, white building. Natsume asked for directions at the information desk while I held onto his hand and dug my face into his jacket. I didn't want to look around; I hated hospitals, everything down to the horrible, sickly smell. I stayed by Natsume's side while we took the elevator and went across endless corridors.

From the edge of my vision, I was aware of rows of beds, each surrounded by a plethora of bleeping, sucking, humming machines. At the centre of each, a human being, hovering on the brink of life.

It took me a while to notice that Natsume had stopped. He was waiting outside a closed curtain, he didn't go in. I looked at his face, he looked a little nervous. When he realised I was looking he faked a smile at me and went inside. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to walk right back out. It was highly tempting to leave, but Natsume's words had stuck with me 'he needs us.'

The first thing I noticed, was a shock of brown hair, it was messy and all over the place, unlike it's usual, careful organisation-straight all over and spiky from the top down to the sides. His skin was shockingly white and it made a startling contrast against his dark hair. His lips were spread out wide to accommodate a large, plastic contraption around his mouth. There were tubes up his nose. His left arm was covered in a crisscrossing of surgical tape. Even through all the white tape however, I could see the blood red stains seeping through. He must have cut himself really badly.

I sat on the side of his bed, perching myself gingerly, muscles clenched, terrified of hurting Robb or somehow dislodging the tubes. I gently touched his brittle face. His skin was warm, or maybe it was just me who was cold, either way, I could feel his pain radiating onto me.

I stared at his lifeless face. His eyes look as if the have been stuck down. There are purple bruises beneath them. The plastic tube in his mouth makes him look like he is pulling a face. For once crazy moment, I expected him to jump up and say 'ha-ha got you!'

I noticed Emily in the corner, watching me. She was sniffing and her eyes were puffy and red. I reckon she was trying to stay strong so as not to scare everyone but her expressionless face was more unnerving than a face of fear, or worry.

"Can he hear us?" I asked. She couldn't manage to speak but she shrugged, barely noticeably. I couldn't see how he could possibly hear anything; his face was like a waxwork.

I suddenly realised that the body and the person and were two different things. Two different entities somehow fused. The body is the one I was looking at now, attached to all of those machines, the heart still struggling to pump, the lungs struggling to breathe, valiantly fighting to stay alive.

The person is another being entirely, the perpetrator of this crime, the one who ruthlessly cut the wrist, its own flesh, probably hoping to destroy itself for good. The person tried to kill itself, its own body. I understand for the first time why suicide used to be an imprisonable offence. It is, after all, attempted murder-the person against the body.

Look what you've done to yourself! I want to shout. How could you be so cruel? Your body doesn't deserve to be harmed like this-cut up and then stuck with needles and fed with tubes!

"Robb?" I whispered unsteadily but softly. That did it for Emily. Her face was in her hands and she ran through the curtains wailing uncontrollably. I thought about going after her but I didn't know what to say. How could anything I say make this any better? She would hate me as soon as she found out it was all my fault. I felt horribly guilty. Luckily, I didn't have to, Natsume went after her.

She and Robb had always been really close, after his parents divorced, his mum quit her job and ever since, they've spent a lot of time together. They didn't act like parent and child, they acted like friends. I sometimes envied his relationship with his mum, I loved my mum-sure but we never spent much time together, she was always busy with something more important than me.

I felt a silent tear roll down my face. I sang a song to him, it was a song he had written a while ago called 'letting go' it was a beautiful song, my voice didn't do it justice. When I'd sung the final line said "Robb, please wake up" begging him, louder than I thought I could manage. Not a flicker. I searched under the sheet for his hand; I held onto it and squeezed gently. I was sure I felt him squeeze back.

I jumped up excited, shaking him vigorously "Robb? Robb wake up!" "Whoa! What are you doing?!?" Natsume asked walking back into the room. "He's conscious; he squeezed my hand I know he did. I know it!" Natsume put his hand on my shoulder gently "It's probably just your imagination, please calm down. You don't want to get us kicked out do you?" he asked softly.

I glared at him but I knew he was right. I reassumed my position, and held onto Robb's hand. Natsume stepped forwards; he knelt down by Robb's face "hey mate, if you can hear me, wake up. You got better things to do then lay in bed all day right, dude?" he asked. Nothing. I shook my head in disbelief, I was horrified. "What's wrong?" Natsume asked me. I sniffed, "I just hate seeing him like this" I replied. He gave me a big hug, "we all do" he said, "We all do…"

I wanted to stay at the hospital overnight but the nurses told me to go home. "No! I'm not leaving, he's my best friend!" I screamed. "We're sorry but you must leave, it's not fair on the other patients and I'm sure your mother would want you home" the nurse said patiently. "I'm sorry" I whispered to Robb as I backed slowly away from his bed. "I want you to call me as soon as anything changes, okay?" I said to the nurse, scribbling down my mobile number onto the back of an old receipt I found in my pocket. She smiled at me, "you are so grown up for your age, you know." "Umm…Thanks" I replied walking away before I changed my mind about leaving.

Natsume wasn't far behind "Emily's staying the night" he said to me as I stormed my way out of the hospital, I didn't know exactly where I was going I just followed my instinct. He grabbed my arm, "this way!" he said dragging me off to the left.

We waited for another bus; it was the night bus this time. The streets were pitch black and I couldn't see where I was going, Natsume seemed to be able to see so I held onto his and followed him.

I switched my phone on in case one of the nurses called. I had 9 missed calls from my mum. "Can I stay at yours tonight?" I asked. "Umm…sure, I guess" he said putting his arm around me. This is gonna be a long night.