Hey everyone! I'm still here, just not much to say! Thank you all for reading and I love your guts!
I woke up early, alone in my bed.
The night before took a few seconds before rushing back and making me feel like absolute shit.
One thing was for sure- I took a step toward moving on last night. It felt great to be kissed and held again. The problem was, I wasn't ready to move on.
"I'm sorry, James," I whispered, like James was there. "I'm just so confused right now."
I waited for his soft touch to push my bangs from my face, his lips to kiss my forehead, his voice telling me it was okay to be confused because he always was. But of course James wasn't there.
Maybe I was ready to move on, but the thought of leaving behind a chapter of my life scared me. The chapter where James was there, being the father of my child, loving me, being my husband. I was leaving that behind, and I didn't like it.
But if I didn't move on from that, I would be stuck in this idle stage forever. And I definitely didn't want that.
I got up and got ready before going to check on Alex in her bedroom. I sat on her bed and felt her forehead, making sure that her fever hadn't come back. Of course that woke her up and her clear hazel eyes opened, blasting me with the image of James and making me look away.
"Morning, Daddy," she grumbled, sitting up.
"Morning, pumpkin," I said softly, finally able to look at her, although it was sort of painful, as she looked a lot like my late husband, who I felt like I was betraying. "How do you feel?"
"Sleepy."
"Are you still sick?"
"No."
"What kind of pancakes do you want?"
"Pancakes?" she perked up. "Do we have chocolate chips?"
"Of course," I smiled half-heartedly. "If that's what you want."
She nodded and I brushed her hair back.
"I'll wake you up when they're done, okay?"
With that, I went to the kitchen, already knowing that Logan liked just plain pancakes with nothing special. Alex wasn't so simple- some days she liked blueberries in hers, some she liked chocolate chips, and some day she didn't want anything in them. When James was home, he would make her cinnamon pancakes, but only he could make those just right, so I never tried.
In about half an hour I was sitting across from Logan, cutting up Alex's pancakes for her.
"Did you sleep okay?" Logan asked me, looking at me skeptically.
"Not really," I sighed. "Why? Do I look like hell?"
"Kinda. But you sleep-walked a lot last night. I had to take you back to bed a few times."
"I'm just stressed out," I admitted. I knew I had been sleep-walking since I was a kid and it happened when I was overloaded with stress. "I think I need a vacation. To the beach. For like four days."
"Can I come?" Alex asked.
"Of course. But I don't think we're really going to the beach, baby," I smiled. "I would like to, but it's not going to happen. Maybe we'll go somewhere, though. Maybe the lake."
"I agree, Kendall," Logan said. "You've been going through a lot. You need a break before YOU break."
"There's no time for breaks, Logan. I have work to do and bills to pay and an Alex to take care of."
"You're gonna have to make time, then. It's important."
I looked up at him, ready to shoot him down again, but then saw the worry in his eyes. He was WORRIED about me.
"Thanks, Loge. Maybe I'll take Al down to my mom's and we'll stay the weekend," I compromised.
"The lake is there!" Alex said excitedly. She loves the lake, because she liked to stand in the shallow end and let the guppies touch her feet, and sometimes my uncle comes and takes her out on his boat, and she loves that. The lake was just down the road from my mom's house, and of course if I asked nicely Mom would let Alex and I visit for a few days.
Logan nodded acceptingly.
"So what's with the pancakes?" he asked.
"I just wanted to make it up to you guys," I said, scooting Alex's plate to her before starting on my own breakfast. "I was out of line last night, and I know I scared you, Al."
"It's okay. Daddy was mad last night," Alex said. I looked up, expecting her to be saying that to Logan about me, but found that she was talking to me. She only called someone "Daddy" to me when she was talking about James.
"Alex, you can't keep saying stuff like that," I said sternly.
"Why?"
"Because Daddy isn't here."
Alex kept her mouth shut and her hazel eyes dropped to her pancakes. I wasn't sure if she had concocted an imaginary friend out of her memory of James or what, but she was creeping me out with talking about him in the present tense.
"Okay, I'm gonna be late," I said, getting up after a while. "Ally, Grandma will be here in about an hour- Logie'll help you get ready."
I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my keys and phone before going back to the kitchen.
"Love you, baby," I said to Alex, kissing her. "And you taste like syrup."
Then, without even thinking, I turned and gave Logan a simple peck on his lips.
I opened my mouth to tell him he also tasted like syrup, but stopped, my brows furrowing in confusion. Logan looked up at me like it was no big deal, and I chuckled a little.
"Sorry," I said.
"No problem," he said smugly.
"That made Daddy mad," Alex sang. I rolled my eyes and started to the door.
"I said no more, Alex," I called. "Be good, I'll come pick you up before dinner."
Katie and I sat on the edge of the dock, her petite feet dipping into the green water and mine folded beneath me. Mom and Alex stood in the water at the shore and Alex giggled as the little fish suckled at her ankles, my mom taking pictures.
"You look like hell, big brother," Katie said, looking at me as I stared at the sky. I nodded and shrugged, turning to her. She was only 19, still innocent and good- a virgin, never been in love, barely had a boyfriend.
"That's what happens when you grow up," I said. "And when your husband dies."
Her dark eyes dropped and she nodded, twisting her lips.
"Do you think it'll get better for you? It's been a long time since it happened," she said.
"It already has gotten better," I said. "I mean, it hurts less, you know? And Alex seems a little happier, and Carlos is definitely getting there."
"Carlos," Katie grinned. "I haven't seen him in forever."
"He's still around. James' death really killed him, you know?"
"I can imagine. How's Logan? Tell him I miss him."
"He's really good," I said. "He's over a lot, taking care of us."
"He can come take care of me," Katie muttered, making me burst into laughter. Katie had always had a… Thing for Logan.
"He has a crush on me," I told her. "He said that, and it freaked me out but now I think it's sort of cute."
"If you don't want him, I'm legal now."
"I'll put in a good word for you," I winked sarcastically.
"I thought he was straight. Can't a guy just be straight for once?"
"He is. I guess I'm just that irresistible."
"Are you gonna date him?"
"I dunno, Katie. I'd feel guilty. I mean, James just passed."
"James would want you to be happy again and we both know it," she reasoned.
"Not with Logan," I sighed. "They sort of hated each other."
"Well James can get over it. Logan's your best friend, and probably the person you're most compatible with at this point," she said snippily. "James couldn't have expected you to just live as a widower forever. I mean, you have yourself and Alex to consider. The way I see it, James is gone. You have to do what you have to do to be happy again, and he can't stand in your way."
"That's harsh."
"Well James would move on. I know he loved you to bits, but he's got needs and desires, and he couldn't be a single father and we know that," Katie reasoned. "And wouldn't you want him to be with someone that made him happy and understood him?"
"Yeah."
"So then he should want the same," she shrugged. "Do you like Logan?"
"I think so."
"You think so?"
"He's great with Alex. And he's always there for me- he was by my side the whole time when James died. He slept with me in my bed because I needed him to. And I called him once because I was working and Al was sick and he left work to come take care of her, because I needed him to," I smiled a little. "He doesn't force anything, like he wants to. He lets me do things when I'm ready. And-"
"You DO like him."
I smirked and rolled my eyes.
"It's been a while, Katie," I laughed a little. "Since I've had a crush."
"Maybe you should see what Logan's got for you," she said, nudging me. I smiled and turned to her.
"You should be a lawyer," I smirked.
"I'm thinking about it."
"Can I tell you something, baby sister?"
"Yeah."
"I kissed Logan. A few times, actually," I admitted. I hadn't ever told anyone that. "And I missed it- kissing and touching. And he liked it, too. But…"
"But?"
"But am I ready?"
"Maybe not."
"How do I know?"
"I dunno, big brother. I've never been in love," she shrugged. "I think your heart's moving on without you. You're still hung up on James, but your heart wants someone new to love. I know you, Kendall, and you can't go too long without giving affection to someone."
"I have Alex. She's enough."
"Alex and a boyfriend are in two different boats."
I twisted my lips, afraid that she was right. My heart WAS going faster than I was. James always told me that I had a lot of love to give to a man, and currently it was backing up and about to explode.
"I dunno, baby sister," I sighed, dipping my feet into the water. "I DO know that I miss James like crazy."
"I do, too," she said softly. "He was a great brother-in-law. And a great dad. And I could tell he treated you right by the way he touched you, looked at you, smiled at you. I want that with a man."
"It's the best kind of love, Katie. Don't settle for less than that," I smiled peacefully.
"DADDY!" I heard a familiar heartwarming squeal and wet footsteps running up behind us. I twisted around to catch Alex in one arm and she fell to her knees.
She opened her closed hands like she was holding a treasure, and there sat a little brown toad in her hands, sitting strangely still for a toad, but I knew it was alive.
"You're not scared anymore," I said happily, rubbing her back as she dumped the toad into my hand. She used to be afraid of frogs and toads, and James would always pick them up for her so she could pet them.
"Nope. Cause I 'membered how Daddy pickeded them up," she said proudly. "And I did it and he didn't jump!"
I grinned at her excitement and kissed her rosy cheek.
"Love you, pumpkin," I smiled and she kissed me.
"Love you, too."
"Go take him back to the shore, okay?"
"Okay."
I carefully put the strangely calm toad into her hands and she ran back down the dock with my mom to release it.
"I hope she never grows up," I sighed, watching her.
"She looks more like James every day," Katie commented.
"That means she'll be gorgeous," I smiled. "I'll have to fight the boys off of her."
Suddenly I wished James was here, like he usually was. He would be sitting here with us, an arm over each other our shoulders. Eventually Katie would get up to leave us alone and I would cuddle into my husband and he would kiss my hair. Then he would ask if I wanted to swim, and I would agree just to see his body sopping wet and mostly naked.
My sister seemed to see it in my eyes and she rubbed my shoulder, giving me a little smile.
Having fun?
The text from Logan was unexpected, but I smiled through the darkness as I read it. I was lying in my old bedroom, watching TV at about midnight when it came.
Duh. Katie says she misses you. ;) You coulda come, too, you know.
I lay my phone on my chest and turned my attention back to "Friends" playing on the TV. It wasn't long before my phone buzzed with another text.
Why? Do you miss me too much?
I giggled and rolled my eyes, replying with a simple:
More than I care to admit ;)
Before I could stop myself I sent the message, and immediately I was afraid of what he would say or think by that. I didn't have much time to ponder, though, because the door opened.
Familiar pitter-patter of little feet on the carpet approached and I propped myself up on an elbow as Alex came into view. Sobbing.
"Al? What's wrong?" I asked quickly. Of course the father in me feared that she was sick or hurt. She wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands and I helped her climb into the bed. "What're you doing up so late?"
"I had a bad dream," she sniffled, calming down in my presence. "Then I waked up and Daddy wasn't there like he always is, and I got scared and came in here."
I helped her get beneath the blankets and she snuggled her back against my chest, hugging my forearm.
"Sorry I talkeded about Daddy," she said softly.
"It's okay," I said softly, kissing her hair. I found that she really took to heart my stern order to not talk about James in the present-tense anymore. I figured that her imaginary friend was used a lot when she was feeling emotional, and that was why I never saw her really cry.
"Is this the show with Joey in it?" she asked.
"Yeah," I giggled. Sometimes she watched this show with me and she didn't understand most of the jokes, but she found Joey's character just comical.
Alex snuggled deeper into me, her soft cheek pillowed by my palm as she watched, eventually drifting off.
I watched her sleep for a while, her face alight by the TV. I stroked her dark curls away from her face, the same texture and color as James'. Her pink lips twitched here and there along with her cute little nose.
My phone buzzed again and I carefully opened the text from Logan, not wanting to wake Alex up.
I miss you, too.
Despite not wanting to, I smiled to myself before putting the phone on the nightstand.