Chapter 10

Hey guys, I am back to trying to update regularly and failing! I was holding strong for a while but this summer got crazy. I'm kind of hoping that it can go back to normal when classes start back up but that's not till later in August so be patient with me.

I was excited to see that everyone loved the last chapter, sorry about another cliff hanger, I couldn't help myself. Feel free to shoot me some ideas for direction for this story, anything you want to happen or would love to see happen in the long run. This is one of my favorite stories and I am really happy with it so far. I am going to try to update all the stories within the next week with my fingers crossed, no one jinx me.

I know y'all hate these author's notes as much as I do so I will get to it.

Characters belong to Cassie Clare.

Clary POV

I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to speak. My heart is stuck between a confused and an irrationally happy state and I don't want to disappoint anyone. I can tell by the look on Jace's face, he's not sure what to say either. At least the uncertainty on his face disappears into his natural cold stare

"Jace," Izzy says again, this time slightly more pissed. Her eyes are narrowed at him and her hands are on her hips. He returns her glare but she doesn't see past it. She doesn't see the restraint in his eyes, or his muscles tensed by his sides, or his adams apple bob because he doesn't know what to say.

"Iz," he says carefully. It was the wrong thing to say because her expression went wild.

It was in that moment that I decided we were leaving. I covered my face and whatever latest emotion was flashing across it and bolted for the front door. I'm happy I left the cash on the table because I would feel bad if I didn't pay the waiter. Izzy was right behind me, completely forgetting about Jace. I didn't look back, and I didn't say anything.

If they want to fight about my mental state or Jace's self-control then that can be their problem. Right now, I just need to get out of here.

"Oh, buttercup," I heard when I knocked on Alec's bedroom door, and Magnus opened it. He gave me a hug and pulled me into Alec's room. I could hear the shower running and I'm grateful for Alec being in there right now. I haven't stopped to look at myself and I'm afraid of what I'll see.

"Iz," I tried to say but it came out wrong. "Jace," I tried again but it still wasn't right.

"Get yourself together Clarebear," Magnus said walking me to Alec's bed to sit down.

I am trying to get myself together, I wanted to say.

My sobs were breaking everything my brain wanted to say and I couldn't help it.

He gave me a water bottle from the fridge and untwisted the cap for me.

"It was Jace," I managed to get out after a few moments of sipping on the water.

"Jace was who?" he asked calmly.

"Jace was the guy from Tinder," I said like it was final. He was the guy from Tinder. Magnus didn't say anything but I'm sure he was trying to wrap his head around the news. "Izzy came, she's really mad," I finished.

"Are you okay?" he asked putting an arm around me. "We can talk about it."

"I don't know," I said smoother this time. "It's too confusing, it's too much, Izzy was so mad."

"Leave Izzy out of this for a moment," he said waiving his arm in the air. "Just tell me what happened when you got there."

"The waiter led me to a table, he said, he's a good lookin' kid, nothin to be worried about," I started as Magnus nodded to the story. "I ordered a coffee and had just gotten it when Jace came out of the bathroom."

"Were you disappointed?" Magnus asked softly.

"I was a lot of things, but I don't think I was disappointed." He gave me a look to go on and I knew I had to think harder. "It's just so confusing. Maybe he set all of this up to get at me again, maybe he meant to rope me in and leave me hanging on the first date, maybe he sees that it's me and want to leave."

"Did you ask him?" Magnus asked again.

"He said he didn't know, that he didn't plan it," I answered remembering his words. I didn't plan this. "I didn't believe him. He just said, you hate me so much you won't believe me anyways."

"Do you hate him?" he asked again.

"Yes," I answered first. "No," I answered again. I grunted in frustration and put my hands over my face. "I hate what happened, and how much I can't move on from it, I don't hate him. I don't think I could ever hate him. But he probably hates me, if he didn't he does now."

Just some part of my never-ending cosmic punishment.

I would usually talk to Simon, or Izzy even, when I wasn't feeling like myself and they would talk me through it and we'd be all great again. That's not an option this time. Simon's not here and Izzy is just… mad… maybe… I don't even know anymore.

"Did Jace say anything about what he thought?" Magnus asked carefully. I know what Alec and Izzy have thought about him since that night but I know it's something that they can get through. But can I get through it anymore?

"He thought a lot of things –

Even back then, when we were basically kids. You don't think I noticed that you were different?

You were always different, Clary.

You could have told me anything and I would have broken myself to make you happy. I thought you only wanted me because you were drunk, and that the feeling would be gone by morning.

I couldn't think of a life that didn't have you in it, and I would never forgive myself if you rejected me the next morning.

He thought I was going to regret him."

Even though I was crying, Magnus was smiling at me.

"Jace always used to be the helpless romantic kind," he commented and I couldn't help but laugh. "It seems to me, Clary, that there might have been a misunderstanding that night." He gave me a look that said 'I'm right and you know it'. I nodded instead because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I could have been wrong. "I think you two should finish that conversation."

"You'd be the first one to tell me that," I said trying to make a humorous joke somewhere but he kept giving me that look.

"Answer this for me," he said repositioning his legs. "How many guys have you wanted to be with since what happened with Jace?"

Thinking back, I was trying to remember. I remember guys wanting to be with me, a couple even asking me out. But no one that I wanted to be with, not like that.

"No one," I answered honestly.

"No one," he repeated like it was a fact. "Maybe it's worth hearing him out."

"Maybe it is," I agreed.

JACE POV

"Jace," Izzy said with a demanding tone. "Don't walk away from me!"

"It's none of your business, Iz!" I shot back.

"SHE is my business!" Izzy said begging me to challenge her.

"JUST," Izzy said finally more than frustrated than anything else. "TALK to me." Although I could tell she wanted nothing more than to rip my head off, I could tell she was being different this time. "I need to hear it from you."

"What?" I asked trying not to sound too angry myself.

She's the reason I couldn't say it, JUST ONCE, I wanted to say it. She had to walk in and ruin the moment, I'll never get that moment back.

"What is going on?" she said taking a deeper breath than normal.

"I didn't set this up," I defend but she rolls her eyes.

"I believe you," she said stubbornly agreeing with me. Only Izzy could agree with people while still being stubborn.

"Then what?" I ask again. I just want to go find Clary and make sure she doesn't hate me for this.

"I saw it, I'm not blind," Izzy said but I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing what she was seeing. "I saw the way you were looking at her. I saw the way she was looking at you."

"You don't know what you saw," I said harshly. She gave me a pointed look and started again.

"Even if you didn't set this up, you didn't end it either," she said crossing her arms at me. "Why?"

I thought I knew that answer, but now that I'm trying to say it, maybe I don't. I thought it was simple, I never wanted her to hate me, I never meant to hurt her, I wanted her so badly I thought it was a joke – just another cosmic joke on me. I could have let myself have her that night, but just my luck, she would've regretted it. That was the worst part of wanting someone. Just my luck anyways, she wanted me, wanted me for me, I pushed her away fearing my own heartbreak, and look where I am now.

"Why?" she repeated.

"She saw ME," I said simply. That is the simple answer isn't it? I wanted her because she didn't want my looks or my popularity or the Jace that played on 3 varsity sports. She wanted ME.

"Every girl sees you," she said skeptically.

"No, Iz," I said defeated. "She saw me – and I saw her – not some version of me – just, me. And I fucked that up then, I didn't want to fuck it up now."

"Jace," Izzy said reaching her hand to me. I stood up from my place on the couch and stepped back.

"I think I'm just going to pack," I said trying to void any and all emotion from my voice. It was better this way. "Tell her I am sorry, again. Just tell her I didn't mean too. I'm leaving in the morning."

I ran up the stairs because I can't handle what's happened to me. I don't know how to do any of this, there's no manual or playbook for getting girls to be honest with you or stop hating you – there's no manual for putting these pieces back together.