A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. I'm just having a little naughty fun.This story is rated M for a very good reason.

To my lovely betas, Rosmarina and Bookgeek80: Thank you so much!

Chapter 9 - Feminine hygiene products

Theme Song – Push It by Salt'N'Peppa

On Saturday morning I walked to the bathroom to take a long hot shower and relieve myself of my morning arousal. As I dried off with my towel, I noticed that I also had a case of seborrheaic dermatitis all over my private area. I suspected it was the Axe liquid soap that Emmett insisted I should use. To treat my nether dandruff condition, I got back in the shower to rewash with my prescription dandruff shampoo. As I began to lather up down there, that familiar post-ejaculatory aching turned into burning. My scrotum were on fire! Aaaaaah! I quickly turned the water on cold. My privates felt better instantly, but my body was freezing.

I put my pajamas back on, greeted Carlisle and Amy as they brushed their teeth at the sinks, then rushed back into my room. I knew I would need to change soap, but in the mean time, my gonads were still burning. I quickly got on Twitter to see if any of my new female friends knew what to do. The lovely AngryBadgerGirl quickly responded and suggested I use oatmeal. Can't go wrong with a natural product. So I took a packet of Emmett's sugar'n'spice instant oatmeal, made a paste and applied it. My new 'scrotemeal' treatment instantly cooled me of, but it took days to finally get it all out of my pubic hair.

Later that morning, Emmett came back to our room.

"Danny boy, I am heading over to the Ave. You want to go?"

"Yeah, sure. I need to go to the chemist."

"Perfect! That's where I'm going."

I grabbed my sweater and put on my messenger bag as we walked out the door.

"Grab a basket." He commanded with a smile as we entered Bartell's Drug Store. "So we can put our stuff in it. Now where do they keep that shit?"

"What are we looking for?"

"You know…some sort of girly cream for down there."

"Vaginal dryness?" I asked and adjusted my glasses.

"Uh…no. She's got a yeast thing."

"Oh, a yeast infection?"

"Yeah."

"In her vagina?" I scratched my head.

"Yes! Shhhhh." He put his finger in front of his mouth.

"Well, those medications are usually near the feminine hygiene products in England. Let's just ask where they are kept."

"Fuck no dude, we can find it ourselves. Just look for a bunch of pastel colors and shit."

We walked up and down the aisles and I found the soap section. Emmett grabbed another bottle of Axe and tossed it in the basket. "Chicks love it when I shower with Dark Temptation." I wondered how he managed to use so much. I shower every day, in addition to showering after my rigorous workouts, and I still had half a bottle left.

"I've been meaning to tell you. I think the Axe is irritating my skin. I am going to switch to bar soap. You can have my bottle."

"Thanks man!" He paused and sniffed my neck. "But dude, that stuff makes you smell so good and manly. The chicks love it!"

I wished I found that confidence that Emmett possessed by using a heavily scented shower gel, but alas I did not. I certainly didn't want to discuss my scrotal flakes. "It irritates my delicate skin."

"Oh shit." Emmett frowned.

"I don't think the chicks care as long as I smell clean." I threw in a bar of vegan-friendly lemon verbena soap from France.

Emmett looked at my selection and giggled.

"Studies have shown that women like a man who smells like citrus fruit." I shrugged.

"Dude, you are too funny."

I turned around. "Oh look, we're already here in the feminine hygiene products."

Emmett kept staring at the soap. "Cool, just grab something that has the word yeast on it."

"Wow," I was perplexed. "Vagisil makes a lot of feminine products. Has Rosalie gone to the gynecologist to make sure that is what's wrong with her vagina?"

"Nah, she's had it enough times to know what's going on down there."

"Alright, well this one should do it. It says on the package that this will cure it within 7 days."

"Thanks man." Emmett pretended to peruse the bubble bath on the bottom shelf. "Does that mean I have to go a week without sex?"

"I suspect so."

"Damn! Eh, while we are here I also need you to grab some maxi-pads."

"Well what is her flow like?" I perused the plethora of menstrual products. "Heavy or Light? Does she need overnight protection? How about wings; does she like wings?"

"Fuck me, I don't know," He loudly whispered. "Just grab something. Anything!"

"Hey guys!" We both looked up to see Carlisle.

"Hey man," Emmett said in a low, masculine voice.

Carlisle looked around and lowered his voice. "I uh…I think we're here for the same reason. Look, if I give you a twenty, will you throw an extra box of tampons in your basket? You can keep the change."

"Absolutely!" I said with glee. I had already gauged that a box of tampons was only seven dollars. I would make a 13 dollar profit!

"Fucking Amy thinks that just because we sleep together now and then that I should be running out buying her shit."

"Well, it seems like a small price to pay for allowing you access to her lady bits," I added sensibly.

"Touché, my brother." He gave me the bro-fist, handed me a twenty, and walked away.

I turned to Emmett. "Do you think Rosalie would like some tampons as well?"

Emmett groaned and put his head in his hands. "I hate doing this shit. Just throw some in."

"You know Emmett, I think you need an attitude adjustment. If I had a girlfriend as sweet, loving and…" What was the word? "open-minded as Rosalie, I would be thrilled to buy all the vaginal creams and feminine hygiene products that she required. When you walk up to purchase these items, stand proud. You are a man purchasing the items necessary to take care of your woman's intimate feminine needs." I punched him in the arm with a big smile.

"Shit man, you really have a way of putting things into perspective."Emmett looked pensive.

When we got back to our dorm room, Emmett and I were going through our purchases. Right at the time I had a box of Vagisil in one hand and tampons in the other, Bella walked in. I knew this didn't look good.

Her hair was a mess and her bosom was heaving. She was out of breath. Bella smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Hey guys!"

"Uh…Rosalie has a vaginal yeast infection and these tampons are for Amy," I quickly blurted out.

"Yeah," Emmett looked down at his large package of maxi-pads. "These are for Rosalie," he said quietly.

Bella nodded her head pensively.

"Well, I have good news. I got a job!"

"That's wonderful! Congratulations!" I was equally elated at both the change of subject and Bella's news.

"Yeah congrats, Baby Girl." Emmett tossed aside the package and grabbed Bella in a bear hug. Lucky Bastard! "Where? On campus? Watcha gonna do?" He asked with his arm still around her.

"I got a position at the circulation desk at the natural sciences library. It's so cool. I'll have to do a little shelving but working the desk will be great. Hopefully I can do some homework at the same time!"

"That sounds great!" I added.

"Yeah, the only drawback is that the hours are varied and sometimes I'll need to work until eleven or midnight."

"Hey baby, I don't want you working so late." Emmett expressed my unvoiced concern.

"Well, I need the job and I have to start somewhere." Bella shrugged.

Emmett looked over at me and rubbed his manly jaw. "Give me your schedule, and I will come pick you up when you have to work late."

I looked her straight in the eye. "I quite like studying at Allen Library, so it would be no trouble at all for us to make sure that one of us is always there to pick you up and walk you home. You cannot walk around campus alone at night, Bella. It isn't safe at all." I insisted.

"Well, OK." She added timidly, "I start tonight. Could one of you come pick me up?"

"Absolutely!" I jumped in before Emmett had a chance to say anything. I looked over at him and he smiled.

"Alright, I'll see you at circulation at 10pm? Saturday nights are pretty slow and they close early."

"I shall be there." I tried to channel my inner Pierce Brosnan and give her my Piercing stare. He was the epitome of coolness. Nan loved him! Bella tilted her head and smiled back.

Emmett then interrupted what I hoped was a moment of understanding between Bella and myself.

"Hey Baby Girl, can we borrow the bug? I need to make a Costco run."

"Sure. Good luck getting it started."

"I think us manly men can handle it," Emmett replied in his deep voice.

She tossed him the keys. "I'm going downtown with Alice anyways. By the way," she had a devilish grin. "Bring me back a case of maxi pads. Regular with wings if they have 'em." So she prefers the kind with wings. I will keep that in mind for future reference.

As suspected the bug was dead. "Something is wrong with the battery or something. Let's push it."

"Push it real good," I replied with my outdated popular culture reference. Emmett laughed and mumbled something that sounded like "crazy fucker!" and slapped me on the back.

We got the bug started by fiddling with the battery under the back seat and pushing it down the hill just outside Bella's dorm. "So where are we going?"

"Costco. I am going to teach you the ways of women, Danny Boy." Oh God, what now? I knew we had Costco in the UK but I had never been to one.

After a 30 minute drive, we parked at the outer edge of the car park. "Don't even bother trying to get closer. This place is a fucking mad house on Saturdays."

"Why?" I asked.

"It's free sample day. And if you don't get filled up with the freebies, we can stop by the snack bar for a foot long and a Coke for just a buck fifty."

"Sounds great, but what does this have to do with learning the ways of women?"

"Oh Grasshopper, watch and learn. But first, grab a cart. Let's get our shit first."

I quickly grabbed the behemoth shopping trolley. Emmett showed this his member ship card and we headed straight towards the back.

"So Emmett, what do you need to pick up in large quantities?" He showed me his list.

Nuts

Sausages

Buns

Hand sanitizer

To the list I added Maxi-pads, regular with wings.

After picking up our desired items, Emmett hid the gigantic box of sanitary napkins underneath the sausages and buns. By my calculations, this was a very good deal. We walked up to an old lady with a tray of taquitos. He grabbed one and winked at me. "Ma'am these are so good. You really know how to cook these babies up." He eyed her seductively and flashed her his charming smile. The woman laughed. "Mind if I grab another? I'm starving" He lifted his t-shirt just enough to pat his stomach and show off his rock hard abdominal muscles.

The woman gulped and handed him three more. "Come on back around when I nuke the next batch."

As we walked away Emmett placed a hand on my shoulder and explained, "Did you see that? I brought you here to practice your flirtation skills. First you need to smile and offer a sincere compliment the woman. Then you show them what they're missing. Now I know you're a little shy, so I figured the instant reward of a Scooby snack would help motivate you to get your game on. Besides, these women are easy to impress. Look there are some fresh brownies over there."

I walked up to the matronly woman and grabbed a brownie. "Oh, these are delicious. Did you bake them yourself?"

She rolled her eyes and seemed annoyed. "Yeah, kid. Right here in my little oven," she gestured. Alright, that didn't go so well.

I then tried the friendly looking woman with the mini chicken cordon bleu's. I took a bite and winked. "Oh, such delicious chicken breast."

"Is something wrong with your eye?" She glared.

"Oh, it's just an astigmatism." I shyly replied and walked away defeated.

Emmett jogged up behind me. "Emmett, this was a bad idea."

"Hey Danny Boy, it's OK. Maybe flirting is not your thing. You know what? I bet you just being your usual charming self is just fine with the ladies." He gently patted my back. "Looks like I need to get my game on so I can get free food for the both of us."

Once Emmett was finished charming the free sample ladies, we purchased our items. I proudly threw in the thirteen dollars I received form Carlisle to help pay for Bella's feminine napkins. On our way out of the door, we found a little bit more space for some kielbasas at the snack before heading home. I wasn't really hungry after our walking feast but who could pass up a dollar fifty sausage that comes with a free Coke?

Back at Bella's dormitory, I ran Bella's items up to her room. Emmett decided to wait for me in the bug so that I could help him haul the rest of the purchases over to our room. I knew Bella wasn't home, but I hoped that someone in her cluster would be so I could drop off the large case.

"Daniel, how nice to see you." Unfortunately, it was Jessica. No wonder Emmett stayed in the car.

"Um… I-I just came to drop these off for Bella. Emmett and I went to Costco."

"Wow," she laughed. "You must really like Bella to go out buying cases of maxi-pads for her."

"Oh, I do. She is a wonderful girl! I'd do anything I could to help her out." I said enthusiastically.

"Huh…well you know I think you are kinda cute." She ran her index finger up my chest and along my throat.

"OK, well here you go. Thanks," I replied and walked away. That was creepy.

Emmett and I grabbed the rest of the items and headed home.

After dinner, I decided to head on over to the library and study. There was a party going on but all I could think about was Bella working so hard on Saturday night instead of having fun like everyone else. I let Emmett know where I was going to be.

"Come on man. You need to relax. Why don't you stay and party. Tina over there has been eyeing you all week. I bet she'd love to get up close and personal. I can go pick up Bella at ten." He offered.

"Really, I think I would rather just go and study. I have an early midterm exam coming up for my psychology lecture. So it's no problem. Besides, I already promised Bella and I like to keep my word."

"Okay, cool." He gave me the bro-fist.

I loaded up my messenger bag and walked to the library.

I saw Bella assisting people in checking out their books. She looks so beautiful when she smiles. She really seemed to enjoy her job. When she looked up I gave her the thumbs up and a smile to let her know I was there so she wouldn't worry about getting home. I wanted to avoid intruding on her work though, so I decided to go up and give her a quick salutation and then walk upstairs to a study carrel.

"Daniel, you didn't have to come so early to get me."

"No Bella, I came early to study I have a psychology exam coming up. Get this: it's one hundred true or false questions. They don't even expect most students to finish the exam. So, I really need to prepare early."

"That's awful." She wrinkled her cute little nose.

"Yes it is. I suppose in a class of 600 students they need to make it as easy as possible for grading. Anyhow, I couldn't even think of studying in my room. It's quite loud over there right now." I gave a nonchalant chuckle. I wanted Bella to see me as a laid back sort of bloke.

As we walked back to Bella's dormitory, she told me all about her new job and how she was lucky that she got plenty of desk time. Students who want the optimal day time hours had to spend their shifts restacking books instead of studying.

At the front doors of McMahon Hall, Bella thanked me again. Be a man Daniel. Make your move. Tell her how you feel.

"Bella, I appreciate you letting me walk you home. I really enjoy spending time with you." She smiled and stared into my eyes.

She leaned in. "You do?"

"Very much so," I replied. I adjusted my glasses but I wasn't sure what to do next. After a few moments, I got nervous. "Oh… by the way, I left your maxi-pads with Jessica."

Bella blinked several times as if coming out of a trance. "Um, thank you." She looked away. "Thanks for coming to the library and walking me home."

"Anytime, Bella. I'll always be here to pick you up. Call me anytime!" I tried to salvage the situation.

She looked back and smiled, then walked in. Way to go, Daniel. I walked back to my room, once again feeling a bit despondent.

A/N: Do you ever embarrassed buying feminine hygiene products? I still do!

Links to blogs and goodies on the main page! You can see the whole cast in the Daniel's scrapbook. Let me know if you'd like to see something specific. (Other than Daniel's uncut penis, Kimpy0464)

Make sure you have me on author alert if you want to get notification of extras that I post. This week I posted Daniel Gale: Cum-Shots – oddball outtakes and alternative POVs. Cumming Online was enthusiastically embraced by you h00rs (Thank you so much!).

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I haven't been reading much at all since I started writing but these stories rock my world. So if you want to try something new, check these out:

Potential by Rosmarina Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I love this sweet story about beefy Emmett and intellectual Edward falling in luv. HOTT!

Falling for the First Time by Snowwhiteheart If you like geeks, and I know you do because that is why you are here, you have to read this one! Great twist on the geekward genre. Hilarious!