Chapter 10
Sorry for not posting this weekend, I was pretty busy… Anyway… Yeah, sorry. I appreciate all the reviews. So, I'm going on vacation on Wednesday so I won't update 'til next week. Sorry guys, but vacation is awesome, considering the coldness that I live in. –Reese
Tris P.O.V.
Exhausted, I think as I lay in bed. That's how I feel after yesterday's events. I know I should be all girly and happy right now because Tobias and I kissed, I am happy, but right now my father is 700 miles away and my mother is in the hospital, possibly never waking up. But right now, it takes all that I have not to grab a blade and run it across my stomach. In fact, it sounds kind of nice… The tingling sensation of the blood running everywhere inside of me. I need to punish myself. It's my fault my mom's in the hospital. It's my fault for the letters. It'd be my fault if the world burned down. Everything's my fault… No. The person at fault is whoever decided to ruin my life and send the goddamned letters and hurt my mother. I will hunt them down and stop at nothing to get my revenge and put her in prison for the rest of her pathetic excuse of a life. I will not slip into depression again. It made my life a living hell. My father probably wouldn't even believe me if I told him about my depression. If I tried to get help, he'd most likely shoo me away and say I'm over-reacting or being dramatic. I've only been able to go to my mom. She is just so selfless and brave that she doesn't deserve my father. He's been so selfish ever since Caleb's fake death and my mom has been nothing but selfless working for charities and all.
"Beatrice! Er, Tris!" Caleb yells. I smirk at his attempt to use my new nickname.
"Coming!" I open the guest room door and walk down Tobias's steps. I see he's making bacon. "Yum, Four!" I say since Caleb is in the kitchen as well.
"Tris, we are going to the station still, right?" Caleb asks with his mouth full.
I roll my eyes and smirk, "Yeah, I will hunt this bastard down until my last dying breath. And if I don't find the woman that did this, my kids will. Then if they don't, my grandkids will."
"Wouldn't the woman already be dead?" Tobias asks and laughs.
"But I got my point across, did I not?"
"You sure did," Caleb mumbles.
"What was that, big bro?"
"Oh, psh, nothing."
"Mhm."
"Someone's afraid of their little sis," Tobias smirks.
"I am not afraid of her!" Caleb yells.
"Uh huh, sure," I mumble.
"Whatever, you two," he rolls his eyes.
"So, Caleb, after the station, can we walk over to the hospital to see mom? I really hope she's okay…" I trail off.
"Of course, that's what I was thinking too. Maybe we can go to the café after? Four you can join us."
"Sure, but I'm surprised you like that place, it just seems so… un-nerdish," I laugh. "I'm surprised you'd rather be at the café than the library."
"Indeed, I love the library, sissy," I glare at him, but he continues, "but the library does not have food."
I chuckle, "Good point, and you might get shushed by the other nerds to stop crunching your chips too loud."
"Oh whatever, we're not that bad, you know. And I'm a geek, I thought we covered this, there's a difference!"
"Oh, and what might that be?" Tobias asks.
"Well, you see, a nerd is a book person who reads a ton—"
I interrupt, "Does that make me a nerd? I read a lot."
"Yeah," he smirks. "You're a nerd!" he points.
"Not a total one, I can still beat the shit out of you!" I yell.
"True. Anyway, nerds are the ones that read a lot. Geeks are the tech-y and science-y ones, like me, because I work for that company that makes the serums and stuff that you wouldn't understand," he dismisses it with a wave of his hand and we continue eating our bacon—which is freaking delicious, by the way, I know you care about what my food tastes like.
I say thanks to Tobias and head upstairs and take a shower. While I'm in there shampooing, I start singing, 'I don't want to be here anymore, I know there's nothing left worth staying for,
your paradise is something I've endured, see, I don't think I can fight this anymore, I'm listening with one foot out the door, and something has to die to be reborn, and I don't want to be here anymore,'
I Don't Want to be Here Anymore by Rise Against. I sort of don't want to be here anymore, but I'd never result to killing myself. I almost did, I tried over dosing. It didn't work. My parents weren't there, so they didn't even know. I woke up the next morning really confused. I thought I was dead and never see light again, especially since I knew I was going to hell. But who cares, that's where all my friends will be anyway.
I get out of the shower and get dressed in a pair of grey skinny jeans and a black sweatshirt. I get the business card the Amanda Portman gave me and call the number.
"Amanda Portman."
"Hi, this Beatrice Prior."
"Oh, hello, excuse me I'll be right back," she says to someone else. "Yes, Beatrice?" she asks.
"Um, I was wondering what time we could come to the station and check out the evidence?"
"Oh yeah, how's two?"
"That's great," I smile. Reasoning? I get to hunt down the bastard that did this.
"Okay, see you then. Will your brother be there?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, bye, Tris."
"Bye," I say and hang up.
I walk downstairs and find Tobias and Caleb talking on the couch. I don't round the corner so I can listen.
"Do you think she's depressed?" Caleb says.
"Of course! She was singing a song that had the lyrics 'I'm listening with one foot out the door, and something has to die to be reborn, and I don't want to be here anymore.'
"Okay. I should have known. She showed me those cuts on her stomach the night I came home."
"Yeah, I forgot to ask her about that. I didn't see any new ones though, from the split second I saw them," Tobias replies.
"Why don't you just ask me, huh?" I ask angrily.
"Tris—" Caleb begins.
"No, it's completely okay to just go behind my back and talk about my depression."
"Tris, we were worried about you, okay? We have a right to be." Tobias says.
I calm down. "Whatever. What do you guys want to know?" I ask.
"Well I heard you singing that song in the shower—" Tobias says but I cut him off.
"You think I'd result to suicide? Never. I tried that before and I didn't work," I spit. Then I realize what I just admitted and pale.
"You what?!" Both Tobias and Caleb exclaim.
"Yeah, I tried, but it's over," I whisper.
"Tris!" Tobias exclaims and hugs me. "You're too beautiful to die," he whispers.
"Tobias…" I whisper as I shake my head.
"Tris, you are. Don't even deny it. You get all flustered whenever someone compliments you and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen," he laughs.
"I'll leave you two. Four you are telling me the details later," Caleb says and walks out.
"Tris, come here," he sits down on the couch and I nuzzle my neck into him. "How long have you been cutting?"
"It was about a month after Caleb 'died'. It went on for about four months. I was still depressed, but I just stopped for some reason," I shrug.
"Tris…"
"What?"
"Why were you singing that song? What the hell was that about? I can't lose you," he says and pulls me tighter.
"I… I don't want to die, I just… I don't know it's hard to explain. You wouldn't understand."
"Tris, just talk to me. Please," he begs.
"Okay. I don't want to die, I just feel really depressed. My mom is the only person I can actually rely on to help me and she could just be gone in a matter of seconds."
"She's the only person? What about me? Chrissy?" he asks.
"It's different, Tobias." I pull back and look into his eyes. "She's just—I don't know, okay! She's always been there for me, and now she's not! If she dies, I will have no one left. I'll have Caleb and dad but dad is just not being himself ever since Caleb. I just feel like I don't have any family left."
"Well," he says, "I'll be your family now."
"Tobias, I'm pretty sure you can't do that," I laugh.
"Sure I can. Why not?" he smirks.
"Because I'm seventeen so I'm not getting married yet," I laugh.
"You can see us getting married?" he asks seriously.
"Sure I can. Why not?" I ask.
"I don't know. Assuming you'll put up with me for that long," he smiles.
"What about you? Could you see us having a life together?" I ask.
"Definitely. So does this make you my girlfriend?"
I bite my lip and nod. He kissed me for a minute and I just sit there, enjoying the moment. He just grins like an idiot when I pull back. "If you smile any longer, I might just break up with you," I joke. He has a panicked look on his face. "I'm joking, Tobias, calm down," I laugh.
"Don't joke about that, I like you too much," he smiles. Ugh, that smile is just enough to make a girl melt.
"I know, right?"
"Tobias, did I say that out loud?" He nods. I blush and look down.
"It's cute. You know, the way you get flustered. But I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that already."
"You did," I smirk.
"Well, you're beautiful, smart, selfless, and brave. And, don't forget, have a smile that can make a guy like me melt," he smirks.
"What does that mean? Guy like you? I ask.
"A guy who's way below your league," he smiles.
"Tobias, I'm pretty sure you are the one about my league," I chuckle. "Have you looked in the mirror recently? You're gorgeous," I laugh as I say it more confidently.
"Well, you are pretty beautiful yourself."
"I like how you don't call me 'hot' or whatever. I feel kind of weird whenever someone calls me that… 'Cause it's not like I'm literally hot. It's just weird."
"Well, for the record—you are hot—but I don't say that out loud because it's very un-gentleman-like."
"Ha, well, thanks, I think," I laugh.
"It is a compliment, but there are much more synonym to that word that I prefer to use," he explains. "Like beautiful, gorgeous, Tris, amazing—whoops did I put your name in there?" he asks mischievously.
"Tobias—"
"Tris, you should be a synonym to beautiful," he says softly. I shake my head and look down.
"Tobias, I don't know what delusion you are living in, but, I might be okay-looking, but certainly not beautiful," I chuckle.
"You really can't see it can you?" he whispers, obviously deep in thought.
"No, and I also don't see what you see in me," I laugh.
"I see—like I said earlier—a brave, smart, selfless, beautiful girl sitting next to me. And she's the only girl I see," he says.
"Tobias," I whisper as I try to hold back the tears.
"Tris," he whispers back. I look up and see him smiling.
I kiss him with all of the feelings that I have for him, which I don't exactly know what they are. He immediately kisses back. I wrap a hand around his neck and the other through his hair. He takes both of his hands and wraps them around my waist. I love this feeling; it's like we were made to fit into each other. I pull back and gasp for air. I straighten his hair and say, "thanks."
"For what?" he asks.
"One) my first real kiss Two) All of those compliments."
"That was your first real make out session?" he asks.
"Yeah, you're also my first boyfriend, too," I sigh.
"Hey, well, it was an honor," he smirks. "Seriously, I hope I have the chance to do the honors again. Perhaps now?"
I slightly smile and pull his lips to mine regaining the position we were in previously.
"Tris, what time—what the hell?! Four, what are you doing?!"
"Um, Caleb, hey," I say.
"Don't 'hey' me. What the hell was going on?"
"Um, I was kissing him… what else did you think I was doing?" I ask sarcastically.
"I thought you two were 'just friends'!" Caleb yells.
"Caleb, I thought you were okay with Four!" I yell in confusion.
"I am," he says softly, "but you'll always be my little sister that I worry about getting hurt," he sighs.
"Caleb, I'm seventeen," I say.
"I know, but I'm allowed to worry. I'll probably worry until we're eighty years old," he laughs.
"Whatever, you dork," I hug him.
"You know," he whispers, "I do like him, I probably won't approve of anyone else."
I laugh and pull away, "Thanks, I think."
"Any time," he smirks. "Anyway, before I found you two making out," he smirks at Tobias who reddens, "I was going to ask what time we were going to the station."
"Oh, two," I check my watch. "It's 1:45 we need to go. Four, can you give us a ride? We were going to walk everywhere today, but we don't have time."
"Of course, anything you need."
"Well, in that case, I need $1000 and ten gold bars," I laugh.
"Maybe one day," he smiles.
"Okay, you two, let's go," Caleb says.
We drive there and get out. "You coming, Four?" I ask.
"Oh. I figured you just wanted me to wait out here."
"No, silly, come on." He gets out and grabs my hand. I could definitely get used to this.