Chapter 10: The Big Snog

Something hit me really hard in the small of my back. It hurt. Whatever it was it was hot and it kicked me with pretty good momentum. I was flung away at several kilometers per second and with a good tumble. Woah. What the heck was it? I stabilized then turned and looked behind me.

That stupid Big Ol' Star o' Death shot me right in the back with a 2.4 x 10^32 watt superlaser. What, was I in the way or something? You could have asked me to move, you dingbats. Or did somebody tip them off that I was coming? Whatever it was, that sucker had a kick.

Gah! My combat uniform had decent hole charred into in the backside, and I had an actual burn. It hurt like a sumbitch.

I was sooooo pissed. I whipped around and was getting ready for a kinetic dive right through that stupid dish at around 0.95c. I'd have to fly way out and get a real running start, at least a 10 billion km, and then..

Then I stopped. I said Lind, get ahold of yourself. Don't let your emotions overrule your common sense. That thing had such a slow turning rate, and there is no way it could hit you unless you were just a sitting duck (which I was when it zapped me). Don't worry about it. Just figure out a way to capture it intact.

Yeah, I'm definitely changing. That would have never happened before. If I was the old Lind, that thing would have been an expanding cloud of debris and gas by now.

This was the new Lind. The mellow Lind. I just want to grab it for my collection. Gotta figure out a way to get everybody off it. Hmm..

But first, I need to fix that superlaser so it won't be popping any more planets for a while. That shouldn't be hard. Back in 5.

Ok, I'm back. That took care of it.

I felt a physical pull towards the sphere. Hmm, some kind of a tractor beam is trying to pull me in. Oh really now? I wanna stay here and look at it some more so I pull against it. Then something almost clips my feet as it gets pulled in.

What was that? Interesting little ship. Asymmetrical. You almost never see non-bilateral symmetry anymore. Nice. I like the design. Hmm, looks like they don't want to go in. I need some intel if I'm gonna grab my trophy. I think I'll try talking to them.

I pop up on the middle deck. I saw the crew all up front, huddled in the flight pod. I then heard behind me a weird squeal noise followed by some prissy voice, "Oh my! Oh dear!"

And then everybody in the flight pod turns around and looks at me.

Oops. "Uh, Hi. Hello? Can I please ask you some questions?"

I need to stop and explain something here. You see, at this point my eros was basically turned on 100%. There were four people in the flight pod: An old guy, a walking carpet, a young dweeb, and.. and.. and him.

Wow...

I mean, wow...

That guy was hot. I was hot. I mean I was getting hot. I mean I was getting flustered.

I saw the most dashing gentleman I had ever seen. He was a lovable rogue, with a great hair, an amazing face, a leather vest, and an open shirt showing his chest, and a devilish gleam in his eye. I instantly fell in love.

Yep, my eros hijacked my brain. I wasn't ready for it. I hadn't got any training yet from Peorth or Belldandy. I was basically a walking bag of lusty female hormones with no self control. Yeah, not good. The Big Guy was right, it was going to be a problem.

So the hot guy starts sauntering over to me, while I just stand there with a stupid grin on my face. The old guy quickly followed, followed by the dweeb. The carpet stayed in the cockpit. Then, before the hot guy got too close, the old guy jumped in front and said, "Stop! Do not approach that woman!"

The hot guy ignored him. He walked up to me and bowed, and said "Hahn-sew-low at your service, my lady."

I still had the stupid grin.

The old guy was alarmed. "Get back! We are all in danger!"

Huh? Oh, where am I? Uh, yeah, the job. Uhm.. I should say something..

"Uh.. Hi.. My name is, uh, Lind. What's yours?"

The dweeb in back spoke up, "He already told you."

Hahn hissed behind him, "Shhh.. Let me handle this."

The old guy moved quickly and got in front of Hahn, then stood formally and bowed. "We did not know that Higher Powers were interested in the affairs of our little domain. We are honored by your presence. How may we assist you?"

The carpet up front honked. Hahn said, "We ain't got time for diplomacy, grandpa. 120 seconds to dock. We gotta hide!"

I want more time for this, so I waved my hand. The ship lurched and stopped moving forward. "Uh.. hi.. uh.. we got time now.."

The dweeb whispered, "I think she's drugged or something. What is she?"

The old guy pointed at my face. "See those symbols on her cheeks and forehead? Those symbols represent great power. Power beyond your imagination. I am just relieved that they are blue symbols, and not red symbols."

Hahn said, "Is this more of your Force mumbo jumbo?"

"It is similar, but of a different kind, and just as powerful."

"Whatever." Hahn turned to face me. "Ok my lady, what do you want with my ship?"

Ship? I want him. Now. Wait..

"Oh, uh, sorry. I'm not feeling well. My fault. Oh, yeah, I gotta ask you about that Big Ol' Star o' Death. I need to know how it runs."

The dweeb said, "Huh?"

The old guy said, "Ah, you mean the battle station that is ahead of us."

Ah, battle station. Ok. "Uh, I kinda want to borrow it. For my personal collection. I've been ordered to slag it, but I'd rather not kill millions of people doing that if I can avoid it? Yeah, I know. I'm kind of turning over a new leaf here. I mean, I am trying a new minimalist approach to my ops. It's kinda hard to explain."

Amazingly, the old guy actually followed my rambling speech. "I see. And how do you propose to 'borrow' it?"

"Well, uh, I dunno yet. What I really need are the technical readouts for that battle station. You think you might know where I might find something like that?"

They all looked at each other.

The old guy said, "We might."

"Well, the technical readouts would really help me. I'd really appreciate it. I might be able to figure out a way to nick it without killing everybody."

The old guy nodded at the dweeb. The dweeb said, "R2, jack yourself into the terminal next to you."

Beep boop beep beep. A little blue fireplug inserted a data probe into a jack below a small viewscreen. It started to light up with information.

"Oooh.. that's perfect. Thanks. Ok, show me how it runs. Does it run on leaded or unleaded?"

Beep boop boop beep.

"Oh, sorry. Fusion or anti-matter?"

Boop boop.

"Fusion. That's easy. Tell me, what's the best way to create one king hell mother of a radiation leak in the central core?" I had already worked out my plan. Create a huge radiation 'accident' and get everybody to flee the thing. Easy.

Beep boop beep boop boop beep.

"Just gotta get in there and slag the regulator on the north tower? Piece of cake."

Boop beep boop boop beep.

"Yeah, I'll be careful. I wont overload it. It'll leak like crazy but not explode. That should scare everybody off. Thanks little buddy!"

Boop boop.

"Don't mention it."

Boop beep?

"Yes, I have a boyfriend."

Beep boop?

"No, I don't have any sisters, sorry."

Boop boop.

"Hey, that's rude."

The old guy interrupted us, "Well, I am glad that we have assisted you. Now, if our business is concluded, we may say adieu?"

Aww.. I want him. I mean that station. I mean.. Drat.

I was in a precarious position. If that hot guy just left me alone for 10 more seconds I would have left his ship, and everything would have been just fine.

But he didn't. Pity.

You see, Hahn-sew-low saunters right up to me. The old guy says, "Hahn, no!" but he ignores him. And then he's like totally coming on to me! I warn him, I'm really dangerous. He says, I like dangerous. I say I do too, but I am not suicidal. He coos you don't have any weapons. I say I am a weapon. He laughs, says you wouldn't hurt little old me. I say not on purpose.

He has so sexy looking. I was really eyeing him up and down. Yum... Peorth said later that my mouth said 'no' but my body said 'yes'. What does that even mean?

So the idiot ignores all my verbal warnings about his impending suicide. He comes up to me and plants one on my lips!

And it felt goooood... So I started really snogging him, right then and there. Wowowowow. That was intense. I start to really go to work on him. This must be that 'you will know what to do' that Belldandy was telling me earlier. Wow. Had no idea.

The boy says "You gotta do that now?" The old guy flaps his arms and backs away. Hahn lifts me off the ground and I'm still snogging, practically climbing the guy, my arms wrapped around his neck.

Then I lose it completely.

Yep.

I accidentally pop his head off like a bottle cap.

Oops.

You cannot tell me you didn't see that coming. Seriously.

That was as predictable as the sunrise.

And I warned him like five times, but he came on to me anyway. It's not my fault! It's not my fault!

Great, and that was my very first kiss with a boy in all my 4500 years. Tyr is right. I just cant have nice things.

So now its pandemonium, screaming, the usual. Yawn. The old guy did a facepalm. I teleport out. I was kinda embarrassed.

And now I'm all breathless and flustered, and I still havent done the job yet.

I am way off my game today. And I was still kinda tired.

So now I'm floating outside again. Then I see the little ship fly away with four H thingies chasing it, going pew! pew!

I spit some lougies and popped all four H thingies. Least I could do.

Oh well. Let's get this job over with.

I went in, popped the regulator on the north tower. All sorts of alarms went off. General chaos. Craft fleeing everywhere. I took a long nap that I desperately needed, and 18 hours later I had my booty. I created an extra-large null space pocket, enveloped my trophy within it, zipped it shut, and then went back home to my man.

Tyr was right, my hormones are completely out of control.

It was a pity that guy committed suicide-by-Valkyrie.

I really liked him.