Chapter 10- When We Became One
July 4th, 1965
"Can ya pass the milk?" Jude asked, she didn't look up from her plate and didn't stop eating she merely reached out with her freehand to take it from him.
Timothy raised an eyebrow, watching her carefully as she poured the milk into her glass and then began to chug it, finishing just in those few moments he watched.
"Do we have any peanut butter?" She asked, still munching on her toast.
"No." He shook his head, watching her with an even more scrutinizing gaze. "We don't."
She sighed, clearly disappointed.
"Alright, the grape jelly will just have to do." She decided, sighing again.
"Um….Jude, are you alright?" He asked, thinking something was up with her strange behavior but he couldn't figure out what it might be.
"I'm fine. I just have this craving far milk, and peanut butter…what, Timothy, what?" She asked, noting that he was staring at her, seeming to study her like he had something on his mind. "You've had food cravings before, they pass right?"
"Y-yes they do." He said hesitantly.
Jude laughed and got up, kissing Timothy on the head, a third piece of toast in hand. Jude didn't care for toast much and usually only had one slice, he was the one who liked it, so Timothy found this very odd.
'Food cravings….yes that's what they are…' Timothy thought.
"W-where are you going?" He asked.
"Outside." She said. "I'm kinda tired and was going ta spend the morning lounging in the hammock, if ya wanna join me."
…
"The best thing you could do Mary, would be to abort it." Dr. Arden consoled.
Mary Eunice paused. There was still an awkward silence between them despite the fact the diner's noise filled the air with a frenetic buzz. People talked loudly, dishes clung together and the door never seemed to stop opening and closing, the little bell attached to the top rang 'ding-ding-ding' with practically every move it made.
"I told you." Mary sighed, considering his words for a moment. "That's not an option for me."
She pressed her hand against her stomach, feeling like she was cradling her baby protectively. There was a little bump there now that was small enough to still be easily concealable under her habit.
"But Sister, I…"
"No! I can already feel him moving. No!"
"Well you have to do something, look at yourself."
Mary looked down for a moment. She hadn't noticed her growing stomach so much at Briarcliff, but here, in public, wearing street clothes, it was quickly growing obvious that she was pregnant. She had taken a few days off, having made the excuse that it was the forth of July weekend and she was going to see family. In reality, she was staying at Dr. Arden's while the two of them tried to figure out what to do about the baby.
"It's not even just the pregnancy Mary Eunice, it's the baby…where will he sleep, who will take care of…no…" His face fell when he saw her smile at him. "Oh no!"
"Please! Dr. Arden…I've helped you with so much! I asked you this once and you agreed to help me, remember?"
"Yes I did but…" He thought she'd come to her senses and either abort it or leave the church.
"Please. I helped you so much with all your creatures and everything Arthur."
Arden looked up at her, always surprised when she called him by his first name. Mary had retained several traits from her possessed state; one being a newfound boldness in defending herself, another, a willingness to call him Arthur instead of Dr. Arden…something didn't think he'd ever get used to. Mary sighed.
"It would be a shame for me to have to tell the diocese about that wouldn't it…"
Arden laughed. "I'm not afraid of a pregnant nun." He gabbed.
Mary stopped dead in her tracks but held back the tears that threatened to flow. The real Mary who'd returned couldn't always keep pace with some of the manipulative traits she'd brought back with her from her possession, but slowly, she was learning how. Mary felt that some of these traits that had stayed with her were actually very good for her. They were slowly helping her become a stronger, more assertive person and she knew she'd really need those qualities as a single Mother. Despite Arden's continued pleas for her to abort or otherwise abandon this child, Mary planned on being the best Mother a kid could ask for regardless of what life threw at her.
"You should be." She insisted as calmly as possible. "Because even if you squeal on me and they throw me out all they're going to do is throw me out, but you, they'll arrest you."
Arden was completely confounded. The silly girl was right. He sighed, realizing that he had to do as she requested.
"I'm not a baby sitter."
"No one said you were a sitter! Actually, I need a Daddy!"
"Oh no, don't push it." He laughed. "That baby has a Father, and God only knows where he and that old hag of a nun have gone now."
Mary swallowed, a lump formed quickly in her throat when she said this and dropped to the pit of her stomach. Yes, it hurt that Timothy wasn't around especially when she had no idea what had really happened between them or how she ended up carrying his child. It hurt more that there was no possibility of reconciliation with him or with Jude: that he'd taken her and run off. At the same time, Mary knew that this was the way it should be. She knew Jude loved Timothy, she wasn't totally naïve, it had been written all over her former mentor's face from the very first time the three of them met. Upon reflection, she was surprised that Timothy and Jude hadn't ran away years ago….not that there'd been anything going on between them of course there hadn't, she knew them….there'd always just been something there.
That was the other thing that perplexed Mary Eunice so deeply. She thought she knew Timothy and if she did, she would tell you that he wouldn't have raped her. Not in a million years. But, Arthur swore on a stack of medical journals, the only books he would swear on, that the child under her heart was Timothy's.
"Maybe we could…no that wouldn't work."
"How about this. You have it." He said. He took a breath, not wanting to do this. "And I bring him to work one day and we tell everyone he's my grandnephew or my grandniece…whatever it turns out to be…and that his parents just died and I'm the only living relative…I give him to you to care for….and of course, I will help…" He said begrudgingly.
"Awe!" Mary's eyes brightened, she loved the idea it, was just strange enough to work. "You can be Uncle Arthur!"
"No, no…Dr. Arden will be just fine, Sister."
…
"Are you alright?" Timothy asked.
Many hours had passed. Timothy had been thinking about Jude's behavior at breakfast all day now and after several other similar incidences he finally figured out what he thought was wrong with her, and he could barely fathom it. Timothy didn't really even know how he knew. He knew next to nothing on the subject, but he was still confident about his guess.
"I-I don't know Timothy; I'm, I'm not feeling so well."
Over the last few hours her nausea and headache had taken over. They sat back at the table now, having dinner, Jude was an odd combination of too sick to eat and too hungry not to bother.
"Do you think you're alright; do you…"
"I don't know." She said, annoyed now with his questioning. "I think it's just the flu… I'm so…nauseous."
Timothy paused, trying to gather himself. He knew what he was going to ask but was unsure of how he was going to really ask it. They'd never talked about this.
"J-Jude…Have you considered that you might be…with child?" Jude's head snapped up in surprise.
"Are ya mad? Timothy, I'm too old ta have a baby. It's too late for me; that ship has sailed."
"Has it really? A long, long time ago you said that to me about marriage, and we've been happily married for a month and a half."
"Timothy; I'm not pregnant." She laughed, nearly chastising him.
"It could be a miracle." He said.
"Well, it would have to be one big miracle."
"Why?"
"Well first of all do you know how old I am…"
"Well yes but its still p…."
"Timothy…."
"I really think this is something we need to look into….you're different, you're…you're glowing." He insisted.
"Ya would want me ta have yar child?"
"Of course. It would be wonderful for us to have a baby together Jude."
"Well if I can tell you one thing Timothy." She laughed. "It's not going ta happen." Timothy sighed.
"Fine, if you're not pregnant. You're not pregnant."
He was fed up. How did she not see what he saw? She was the one who'd asked him for random peanut butter that morning.
"I'm not pregnant. Can we end this discussion Timothy?"
"Prove it to me." He challenged.
"What?!"
"Prove to me that you're not pregnant."
"How am I supposed to do that?" She asked. Jude paused. There was a way that she could prove it. "T-Timothy…you know about my past…"
"Just because you weren't always so pure doesn't mean that…"
"Timothy." She sighed. "I…" Jude stopped before she even began, cupping her face in her hands as she began to cry. She didn't want to tell her precious husband this, it was what had made Casey leave her and she couldn't live if Timothy left her.
"Whatever you have to tell me you don't have to cry my love…"
"I know you think I'm yar rare bird but I'm just a damn filthy whore!"
"Sweetheart….I love you so much." He said, taking her face in his hands. "It doesn't matter to me that you were with other men before me. It's no different than the fact that I wasn't with other women before you."
"Mary Eunice." She uttered bitterly.
"Only you count my love." He said. "Only you. Now what's there to cry about?" He asked, making a feeble attempt to dry her flowing tears with his fingers.
"When I was younger." She swallowed. Jude closed her eyes, deciding to get this explanation over with as quickly as possible. "When I was younger, got syphilis Timothy from a man that I thought was going to marry me…"
Her tears started to flow faster from her still closed eyelids when she said this. She could not look her husband in the eye. She didn't want to see the mix of disgust and horror on his face when he decided she wasn't good enough.
"He left me…and the syphilis is long gone, but," she paused, she'd never ever said it aloud before and it hurt so much, "but it made me unable ta have a baby. He took having a baby from me! And trust me, having a baby is all I ever wanted." She was sobbing now and he took her in his arms. "So quit asking me if I'm sure I'm not pregnant, because I'm never going to be pregnant Timothy!"
"Shu, shu my Jude, my Jude." He soothed, rocking her as he began to run his fingers through her hair.
Jude continued to cry as he enveloped her entirely in his embrace, she could tell he was far from upset with her and even in the middle of her sadness her heart leapt in relief.
"First of all; now I know why you're so afraid I'm going to leave you…I could never ever leave you because I couldn't live without you….Second, you are no whore, or no other despicable thing. You are my beautiful wife and my rare bird. And while I'm not your only you don't have to feel bad about it…it's the heart that counts."
"Yes Timothy you're my only in my heart." She laughed through her tears as he placed a kiss atop her head, continuing to rock her.
"That's all that matters that and say what you want about not being pregnant…but I know you better than you have any idea…because I've loved you as long as you've loved me….and something is different. Jude...don't forget that miracles happen everyday."
….
'Miracles happen every day.' Jude scoffed. She couldn't be pregnant there was just no way. It hurt deeply that Timothy had brought this up. She hadn't even considered it would ever be a topic of discussion in their marriage…or that he'd want children with her. Jude looked back at Timothy who tended to the fire as she did the dishes. She watched his toned, muscular back, taking a deep breath in as she turned back to her work. Very suddenly, she felt herself gagging a little bit but managed to suppress the need she felt to be sick.
"Everything alright Jude?" Timothy asked.
She felt a little comforted when he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her as she washed the dishes. She saw he had rolled his sleeves up and was prepared to help her. Timothy kissed her cheek sweetly from his place behind her.
"Y-yeah."
"Perhaps you should rest." He suggested sweetly. "I'll take care of this."
Jude realized Timothy was well aware that she still didn't feel too well. She felt the bile rise in her throat again when she looked down at the dishes, but once again, managed to keep herself together.
"No, no I'm…I'm fine." She said. She took a breath, immediately feeling queasy again. He noticed but pretended to ignore it.
"Jude…"
"Um?" She asked.
"I want to go into town tomorrow." He said as they collectively took a single dish from the sink and placed it on the counter.
"Why?"
"Well." He kissed her cheek, trying to be comforting. He knew she wouldn't like the suggestion he was about to make. "There are restaurants…it might be nice to have someone else cook for us for a change…especially considering your…varied tastes as of late."
"Sardines and peanut butter aren't a varied taste…" She defended falsely, putting her head down.
Jude realized that she'd been having strange cravings lately and just within the past few hours she'd begun to feel like she was going to start throwing up. She was trying desperately to hide this from Timothy. She didn't want to give his little idea any more validity than it already had.
"So I figure that tomorrow we'll go out. Perhaps sardines and ketchup next time." He teased, trying to act as if this wasn't also an acquired taste.
She bristled at the thought, for some reason sardines and ketchup concept sounded very unappealing to her and made her want to be sick.
"And after lunch." He said. "We'll go and see the Doctor and after that we'll go and buy our baby's crib."
Jude gathered herself and turned around, he placed his hands on either side of her, clutching the edge of the counter so as to trap her there.
"Timothy, far the last time." She said, looking at him intently. "I am not pregnant, if you'd wanted children, ya shoulda…"
"Here's what I want. I want you, but look at you! You are sick, and craving the strangest food I've ever seen anyone eat, which says a lot because I went to boarding schools and lived with lots of other little boys who would eat some of the most disgusting combinations of food I've ever seen, usually on a dare." He paused. "And the milk…how do you explain all the milk you've been drinking?"
Jude looked down, feeling very confused about everything he was saying. He took her chin and lifted it so her eyes met his gaze.
"Most of all, look at you my love!" He cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand. "You are glowing! You are radiant…not that you aren't always beautiful but….you are more now than ever. I've been thinking about it for days…Surely you are having my baby Jude."
….
Hours later Jude lye in silence. Not even the crickets chirped tonight to keep her company. Timothy was fast asleep next to her but she could not sleep. She was exhausted, but her head swum and her nausea had still not left her. Her husband's litany of convincing words stayed with her and she mulled over them as she tossed and turned. Could it be? No, no there was no way…she'd been told and told there would be no way.
But there was the nausea…and the cravings...She wanted to let herself even consider the possibility that this might be happening but she couldn't…finding out it had all been a false alarm would be more of a crushing blow than she could bear. But then there was that thing she hadn't admitted to Timothy: she was late.
Jude picked up her hand, slowly moving it to the lower part of her abdomen, almost forcing herself to caress her stomach gently.
"Please." She whispered, closing her eyes. "Be in there. Be yar Mommy's little miracle."
….
"You haven't said anything Jude. Nothing…in quite a while." Timothy squeezed his wife's hand.
Jude's heart beat rapidly and she stared straight forward in a panic as they walked. Timothy couldn't believe that she was so upset. In fact for some one who'd apparently wanted children so much, she seemed devastated and he was hurt by it. It was a beautiful summer day; the two had just walked out of the Doctor's office, and into the park across the street.
"I'm pregnant." She announced; staring off into space as she sat down on a bench. She almost gasped as she said it; the words were so real when she said them herself and yet, they translated to her as deep fear and awe rather than excitement.
"Yes." He smiled sitting down beside her. "I told you you were. I-I knew you were." Jude looked up, giving him a blank stare.
"W-what…h-how did?"
"Miracles happen every day Jude."
Jude was overwhelmed and in short, scared to death. She was concerned about her past, and this child's future, and most of all, she still couldn't believe this was really going to happen. She looked back at her husband, tears pooling in her brown eyes.
"Timothy I…is this far real?" Jude sniffled.
She was afraid she was dreaming, and couldn't allow herself to accept this as truth. Jude feared that this was some ploy the Devil in Mary Eunice had managed to pull; after all she'd vowed to find them and hurt them. As Jude had acknowledged, this baby thing was one of her biggest vulnerabilities. She needed to know definitively that this was real before she'd allow herself to feel anything…and no matter who told her she couldn't seem to start believing it. Timothy didn't understand this yet.
"I promise it's for real." Timothy took her hand. "There's a very real baby inside you who is an expression of our love, whose part you and part me…He's your flesh and blood and my flesh and blood. I promise that Jude." Jude smiled deeply and put her head down.
Timothy reached over and lifted her chin so she would look at him.
"It's God that made this happen; on our perfect night when we became one." Jude wanted to ask how he knew this specifically and stared back up at him as she sniffled. "Jude, do you not want to have my baby?" He finally asked, terrified the answer would be no.
"Oh of course I do! Of course I do Timothy!" She managed as her tears started again. Timothy reached up making an attempt to dry his sobbing wife's tears.
He paused for a second, the Doctor had just warned them him that she might be a little over emotional over the next several weeks and that he should try to be as supportive as possible. He wondered if this is what he had met.
"What's the matter then sweetheart. I thought you'd be so happy about having a baby."
Jude sniffled and took a breath. She said nothing for a moment, pressing her hand against her stomach as if to cradle the baby inside protectively.
"I'm just…I'm scared and I'm worried and I don't believe it…and I want so much to embrace this baby…"
"There's nothing for you to fear Jude."
Jude wondered how he didn't see that there was so much to fear.
"I-I'm old far this."
"I know but your body says otherwise, do you think you could've gotten pregnant if you were too old?"
"It's not just the conception…it's raising him I'm…" Jude didn't want to say; she was terrified inside that she'd have to do this alone like her Mother had.
"It has a Mother and a Father for a reason Jude. We're having a baby…it's not you alone in this. We're a team."
She bit her lip and he could tell she was on the verge of sobbing again. She wanted to believe him and hated that something inside wouldn't let her.
"Sweetheart, I'm here and you can tell me anything." He knew she was holding something back. "I love you. And I can't wait to see our child."
Jude blushed, wishing she could know he really felt that way.
"I understand that you're scared. That you can't believe it….but I'm very happy. Please…try to share this with me. The miracle of our baby."
"Yar gonna leave us." She cried and with those words, he understood all her panic.
"Oh no, no my Jude, I'd never ever leave you, you are the joy of my life. And if anything ever happened to you my love, the baby would be my whole world and my reason for living: to raise her, and love her, to care for her and finish the job we started when we made her."
Jude threw her arms around him when he said this.
"There, there my love, it's alright I've got you both forever and ever."
"Do you really mean those things, do ya really love the baby like that?" She shut her eyes tightly, his words were the exact opposite of how she knew her Father must have felt about her.
"I really, really, really love our baby and I hope she's a beautiful girl like her Mommy."
"Oh Timothy!" Jude gasped through her tears.
"I love you so much, and I would never leave any child of mine Fatherless if I could help it. I was Fatherless too, remember?" Jude nodded as she clung to him, assured of his dedication now. "You don't need to cry sweetheart, we can be happy together now." He wiped her tears away and she smiled, nodding in agreement.
Timothy understood immediately that she actually was happy about the baby and was being plagued by her fears from her own childhood and her Father having left. He realized she was afraid that she and their baby would repeat her and her Mother's horrible fate. He wanted to tell her he wasn't her Father but refrained, instead he moved in to kiss her lips. Jude closed her eyes, happy to accept the gentle brushing of her husband's lips against her own.
Timothy would tell you one thing though: he wanted to meet this long lost Father of hers. This man had devastated and irreparably damaged his wife. As such, Timothy wished that there was something he could do about it beyond nurturing her and being the best husband he could be.
"Do you have any other concerns my love?" He asked.
"Well, we're havin' a baby and we don't even have a job or a way to provide far…" Jude cried. She was worried about diapers and formula and everything beyond that. Children, particularly babies, cost a lot of money.
"Oh Jude. Don't worry I'll always be able to provide for you and our baby." He laughed.
"What are you takin about? Yar pension from the Church?"
He'd mentioned it before and even though he was a Monsignor she wondered how much money that could possibly be. She had had a pension at one time, and it certainly wouldn't be enough to survive on for very long, let alone use to provide for a baby. She thought it was only there for the Church to take back once she died actually, kind of like a deposit on something.
"Jude, that's a pittance compared to what I can offer."
"Timothy what are ya talkin about?" She asked as he dried her tears.
"Our daughter would never ever want for anything Jude. And our son would never have to work a day in his life…although I'd like for him to."
"Timothy what are ya takin about?" She asked a third time.
"Jude. My family is very, very…wealthy."
"Wealthy?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Yes….I've lived away from it for so long…but I have sizable means. And if I die before you, you will find yourself a very rich woman…This baby will never want for anything I promise."
"Timothy this is a lot to take in, why didn't ya tell me?"
"It may be part of my life, but I don't live it…I've been away from it for so long that I don't really think about it, especially with everything that's happened with us. I've been kind of preoccupied." He squeezed her hand. "I just didn't think of it really."
"So the baby will…."
"The baby will have his or her own trust, set up from birth."
Jude laughed.
"Yar telling me, this baby's going to have a trust fund and his Mother didn't have food as a child."
"Oh my sweetheart, it pains me that you didn't have enough to eat my love." He placed his forehead against hers. "I promise you Mrs. Howard, you won't go without again." Jude hugged him as she started to cry again. All she'd ever done was go without.
"Shu, shu…there my Jude. It's alright. There've been enough tears today, it's supposed to be a happy day."
"Yar family is going ta hate me."
"You? The beautiful Mother of my baby. No. Never. Not when I love you so much." He kissed her softly.
"I'm not, I'm not good enough Timothy."
"You're perfect and my bride and everything I've been looking for for all my days…the days when I was a boy, when I was reckless…when I thought I'd found my calling in the Church I was just looking for you. You know what Jude? If I were given an ultimatum and it came down to choosing the money and my family or you do you know what I'd choose?"
"No." She was a little nervous. He could sense this and hugged her tighter.
"I would pick you my Jude. You and our wonderful little house and that precious little baby who I can't wait to know…you are my reward and my family my love. I have just one requirement for you…in place of a pre-nuptial agreement of course."
"Okay…" Jude was nervous about this.
"I love you more than anything in the world. And don't you dare ever tell me you're not good enough for anything again."
She nodded simply, making her promise to him, a little smile finally coming to her face.
"You want a little girl?" She asked about his previous statement.
"I very much want a little girl." He smiled. "I love you so much my Jude and I love that baby so much."
"Oh my God I'm gonna be a Mommy Timothy!" She squealed as she began to cry again, overwhelmed in a different way now that she'd finally let herself say it with joy.
"See I knew you were happy." She nodded quickly he hugged her again. She was ecstatic and had been too afraid to embrace it. She'd had so much taken away in her life and above everything she couldn't stand to loose the baby.
"Oh my Timothy…I'm gonna get to be this precious baby's Mommy!"
Timothy kissed her cheek and rocked her carefully as she continued to cry.
"Yes sweetheart. And a beautiful Mommy you will be."
….
After their talk in the park, Timothy and Jude had gone to lunch and then to buy a crib. Now hours had passed and Jude was fast asleep. Timothy lye next to her, watching her smile contently, the joy she felt evident on her beautiful face even in sleep. Timothy combed a little bit of her blonde hair out of her face and kissed her forehead softly. He could not sleep. He was totally overwhelmed by the news they'd received earlier. Until now, he'd been spending every second helping Jude and sharing his joy with her, he'd not had much time to process the information for himself and it was just now beginning to sink in.
"I'm going to be a…Father." He said out loud, listening carefully to his own words as they echoed into the night.
Being alone with his words made them real for him and he didn't completely know how to feel about them. He was sort of in a state of shock as Jude had been earlier. Like her he had expected this to be a childless marriage and was overwhelmed with emotion.
Timothy didn't know how it happened exactly, but, suddenly he found his hand pressed gently against the lower part of his wife's stomach. He hesitated momentarily, thinking of pulling it back once he realized he'd placed it there but then Jude gave a warm sigh in her sleep and placed her hand over his. Timothy then took a moment to just watch their hands rest there, still finding it amazing that his child was nestled deep inside his precious wife.
"Hello little baby…my baby." He laughed. "My precious baby. I never thought I'd be a Father, never ever in my wildest dreams, did you know that? I never realized just how happy you were going to make me either." He reflected.
Timothy thought of all the things he'd ever achieved and ever longed for in his life and somehow none of them compared to this for him. The thought that this little person; part him and part Jude, was going to come into the world amazed him so much. He adored his wife above all and couldn't help but feeling that this child was the biggest present they could ever hope to receive as well as the biggest confirmation of their love.
"I hope you're doing well in there my little gift from God….I know I can't feel you yet, because you're so very little, but perhaps you can hear me. I've been thinking…we have important things to talk about and to do you and I. I never got to have a Dad…neither did your Mommy…and that's why I want to do everything I can to be the best Father you could ever hope to have." Timothy paused, Jude didn't know this yet but he secretly couldn't wait to feel the baby move. He wanted to start bonding with it as soon as possible.
Timothy suppressed a yawn, admitting to himself that he was tired from the very long couple of days they'd had, still he couldn't bring himself to sleep.
"Daddy can't wait to look into your little face and see your Mother's beautiful smile. He can't wait to teach you and play with you…or most of all, hold you in his arms and tell you face to face that you're the best thing that ever happened to him. Anyway, good night precious baby, your Father loves you so much."
Timothy fell asleep, his hand and Jude's still pressed against her stomach. She had lye awake next to him that entire time, pretending to be asleep because she wanted to know what he had to say to their child when she wasn't around. Jude never would've expected he would be quite so sweet to their unborn baby and she was very overwhelmed, her fears about making him a Father put at ease. She squeezed her sleeping husband's hand and kissed him softly, a single tear rolled down her cheek.
"Daddy's right precious baby, Mommy loves you so much too and she can't wait to look into your little face and see your Daddy's eyes staring back up at her." Jude continued to cry and rolled over, burying her face in Timothy's shoulder where she too fell asleep.