Chapter Ten: Confessions... or Not
He loved the mage.
He loved the mage.
He loved the goddamn mage.
Kurogane paced in his room, muttering darkly. He had finally admitted it to himself. There was no way he couldn't, really. That stupid mage had come along and ruined his life and his reputation and... he loved him. No sane person would ever love someone who had messed up his life so badly, but he supposed he wasn't entirely sane. Now he stood in his room, talking to himself, his manly pride battling it out with what he really wanted.
He's a guy. Guys don't like guys.
Gender doesn't matter. Besides, he's girly enough to pass as a woman.
Well, you're got a point there.
And he's always got a cheerful attitude.
I hate his attitude. He doesn't care about himself and he's always wearing that fake smile.
But you still love him, don't you? And he loves you...
He doesn't love me. He doesn't even need me. The fact that he left proved that well enough.
But he came back, didn't he?
Only because I made him.
He could have not come with you. And you know what would make this a lot easier?
What?
Asking him how he feels about you.
No way in hell.
Look, you can either live your whole life in ignorance and having your heart broken a million times or you can confess and live happily ever after.
Then I guess I'll just have to live in ignorance.
Damn his manly pride.
Kurogane flopped down onto his bed, rubbing his temples. Damn the mage. He had been doing fine until Fai came along, and then there were seven whole new levels of hell added onto his life. Despite wanting to hate Fai's guts, however, the ninja wouldn't have been able to go a day without the blonde.
"Gorramit, mage," Kurogane growled, "Why the hell did I have to fall in love with you?"
--
"What's the matter, Fai-san?"
Fai turned around, his smile sliding quickly back into place. Sakura, Mokona and her twin sister Modoki stood half in and out of the doorway to the balcony. "Oh!" Fai grinned at them, "What are you all doing here?"
Mokona and Modoki both skipped up to Fai and clung onto his arms. Mokona had long white hair and blue eyes, while her twin had dark black hair and red eyes.
"Mokona could tell that Fai was feeling sad--" the white-haired girl said.
"--So we decided to come cheer Fai up!" Modoki finished her twin's sentence.
Sakura smiled warmly. "Fai-san, you didn't really seem to be acting yourself lately... where did you go a couple of days ago?"
Fai shifted guiltily. He still hadn't told them that he had meant to leave. "I went looking around the city," he lied, "I left really early, and I didn't want to wake anybody, so..."
"Kurogane was really worried about you--" Modoki said.
"--And went out to find you--" Mokona carried on.
"--But when he came back--"
"--He was angry--"
"--And happy--"
"--At the same time."
"Fai-san, you should tell someone before you leave like that," Sakura said, concerned. Fai laughed.
"Okay, okay," he agreed, "I promise I'll let Kuro-pippi know before I go anywhere, as not to worry our princess here." The wizard bowed as Sakura covered her face, blushing.
"Princess! Princess!" The twins giggled, latching themselves onto Sakura instead.
Sakura smiled warmly, laughing with Fai as the twins proceeded to dance around the two of them.
--
"Fai-san?" Sakura kneeled down behind the mage as she brushed his blonde locks. Mokona and Modoki both lay in Fai's lap, asleep.
"Hmm?"
"You and Kurogane-san are rather... close, aren't you?"
Fai heart skipped a beat, but he kept his face impassive. "Hnn, I suppose so. But what makes you think that?"
Sakura continued to brush Fai's hair, thinking. "Do you want this in a ponytail, Fai-san? It's really long."
"Sure. You were saying, Sakura-chan?"
"Well, you and Kurogane-san are so close, but you try to keep as far apart as you can, don't you?" Sakura took a hair band out of her pocket and began to tie together Fai's hair. Fai chuckled uncomfortably. "You could say that, I guess," he whispered.
"You love him, don't you?"
Fai was shocked at the sudden question, but regained his composure and sighed. Well, Sakura-chan found out. It probably wasn't that hard to guess now that he thought of the way he acted around the ninja. "I suppose you could put it that way."
Sakura shook her head. "Fai, you either love him or you don't. There's no in-between." The mage stared down at his hands. How could he answer a question like that when he could barely admit it to himself? He took a deep breath. "Yes... Yes I do. I love Kurogane. But..." Sakura tilted her head quizzically. "But what, Fai-san?"
"It doesn't matter either way," Fai said, his voice dejected, "Kuro-sama doesn't love me back."
Sakura finished tying Fai's hair in a ponytail and sat down beside him, staring out at the landscape. The streets were still busy, but there were less people out, as dusk was beginning to fall. The sky was tinged a reddish-orange color, the clouds pink from the light of the setting sun. "How do you know he doesn't like you, Fai-san? Do you really know? ...Or are you just afraid he doesn't?" Fai remained silent for a short while. He didn't know why, but he was afraid of what would happen if Kurogane didn't like him back. He was even more afraid of what might happen if the ninja did. "I don't know," he said uncertainly, "But I'll never ask him; that I'm sure of."
The jade-eyed girl remained ominously silent for quite some time. Her face was blank, but she was thinking hard.
Sakura stood up suddenly and walked in front of Fai, looking down at him with her hands on her hips. "Fai-san, you have to tell Kurogane how you feel! If you don't you'll never be together!"
Fai bit his lip, his vision going blurry as he held back tears. "Why would you want to help someone like me?" His voice was bitter, as though he thought that he wasn't worth being cared for by anyone. He felt a tug on his tunic and looked down to see two sets of blue and red eyes looking up at him.
"Sakura can tell when someone is in love--"
"--and she wants to help Fai tell Kurorin how he feels."
"But Fai doesn't want to tell Kuro-chuu how he feels--"
"--because Fai doesn't want to be close to anyone else."
Fai felt himself being caught, which was exactly what he didn't want. Emotions and feelings would trap him and cause him pain. He didn't want to have to go through the pain again. The blonde's mouth went dry and his throat began to hurt. He tried to look away, but Sakura turned his head so he was looking into her eyes. Eyes that showed compassion, pain, worry. Eyes that reminded him so much of Kurogane's, with a strength of will that shone. Fai shuddered.
"You can't keep running like this."
Fai broke down completely, sobbing as Sakura held him close. Mokona and Modoki both looked on anxiously as Fai hiccupped, trying to speak. "I--I--" Sakura stroked Fai's hair, calming the man slightly as he tried to gather his thoughts. "I can't tell him," Fai whimpered, "I don't want to get hurt again..."
"Fai-san, listen to me," Sakura spoke softly to the mage, "I... had someone in my life that I loved very much. I never him how I felt, though." She laughed, but it was a sad sound. "Now I can't even remember who that person was. All I can remember are my feelings for him." Fai looked up at Sakura's face. She was wearing the same smile he usually did when he wanted to hide his pain. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
Sakura shook her head. "That doesn't matter. The point is, if you don't tell Kurogane-san how you feel about him, you'll end up losing him forever!"
Sighing, Fai buried his head in his hands. He was still trembling a little, but had managed to regain control for the most part. "I don't think I ever had him in the first place. I'll never know how he feels."
A soft hand touched Fai's cheek, and he flinched. Mokona kneeled next to him, continuing to stroke the blonde's cheek. Modoki followed suit.
"Fai won't know..."
"...if Fai never gives Kuro-shy a chance."
"Oi."
The four of them turned simultaneously. None of them had noticed Kurogane stepping out onto the terrace. He looked annoyed, but his expression changed when he saw the mage's face. Fai quickly looked away. He didn't want Kurogane to know he had been crying.
"I think we should go, don't you think Modoki? Mokona?"
Sakura stood up and gathered the twins together. Giving Fai a reassuring pat on the shoulder, she led the twins back into the palace, leaving the two men behind.
They stood in silence for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. Fai could feel Kurogane's piercing gaze at his back, and he knew that the ninja was contemplating the best way to break down his defenses. Unfortunately for Fai, that particular task probably wouldn't be so hard at the moment. He had to draw Kurogane away from the topic before it even came up. Making sure his smile was in place, Fai twirled to faced the ninja. Better to get this over with now than later.
"Were you looking for me, Kuro-chiyo?"
Kurogane didn't reply, he just stared at Fai with a fierce intensity. His arms were crossed across his chest and his brow was furrowed. Red eyes scanned the mage with x-ray vision, not buying the man's act for one second. After another minute of silence, Fai decided to try again.
"If Kuronyon doesn't need me, I can go..."
No reply. Fai was starting to feel uncomfortable. He had never seen Kurogane stay like this for so long. If only he knew what was going through the ninja's mind at that moment... but it didn't seem very likely that Kurogane would tell him. He may as well leave.
Fai took a few uneasy steps forward, and when Kurogane didn't stop him, headed for the door inside. He was about to pass the ninja when he was suddenly halted. Kurogane had grabbed Fai's arm and was holding him in place. Fai struggled slightly, but Kurogane held on tighter.
"Ittei," Fai inhaled sharply, "Kuro-sama, that hurts..."
Kurogane loosened his grip, but not enough so the mage could escape.
"Kuro-rough, if you don't let me go I'm not going to be able to go anywhere--"
"Quit it."
The mage blinked uncertainly. He knew Kurogane was looking at him, but he didn't face the ninja. "Quit what, Kuro-chan? I'm not doing anything..." The ninja's gaze was intensifying.
"You're hiding something from me," the reply came in a low growl, "There's been something on your mind for a while. You're moody when you think no one's looking. You're always wearing that fake smile and hoping no one will notice. And," Kurogane turned Fai's head, "You've been crying."
Fai yanked himself away with such speed and force it surprised even Kurogane. The blonde touched his arm where Kurogane had held onto him. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Kurogane's arm twitched. A lie. "Don't think you can lie to me," Kurogane warned. Fai shook his head. "I don't want to talk about anything," he whispered, "It doesn't concern you, anyway." Kurogane's body had no reaction this time. Fai was telling the truth... or at least part of it.
"Listen to me," he said. His voice was so commanding Fai had no choice but to look up. "I don't know what it is that's bugging you, whether it's in the past or present, but forget about it." Fai gasped, his face showing a mixture of shock and horror. Kurogane had hit right on the mark. "Because whatever it is, it's affecting you badly. Even Sakura could tell. Don't give me that look, I saw them crowded around you like you were on your deathbed." Kurogane walked towards the door. "So whatever it is, get over it. I don't care."
"And neither should you."
Kurogane left Fai standing alone on the balcony. The man's whole body was shaking. He couldn't think. His legs suddenly gave way underneath him, and he collapsed. A hand covered the painful smile forming on his face. Memories flashed through his head suddenly, from those in the far past to the ones that caused him pain now.
"That's easier said than done, Kurogane."