I haven't updated in forever D: I'm so sorry!
In other news, I have a new Lily/Scorpius out, (Shadows: A Tale in Letters) and it's funny and probably much lighter than this fic. Anyone who reviews both gets cookies and rions.
Scorpius went to bed, slightly dazed, (It was a lot like finding out your dog was having puppies. At first you're excited, but then you realize that's it's living things and your head goes numb trying to figure out how something could be in there) and woke up, slightly dazed. He had carefully moved the nest to a much safer location, a hollow under a floorboard under his bed and had written a letter to Lucius immediately. He was going to send it right after breakfast, hope for a sensible explanation, and then go back to be a hyperactive child who had found out PUPPIES!
Looking at the already stormy weather outside, he hoped they learned Warming charms first.
He dressed, checked to make sure he didn't still have pumpkin juice in his hair and headed downstairs, all ready to receive his timetable and hate it.
Lily was slumped into the table. Sitting next to James, he watched his pseudo-brother make sure she wasn't drowning in her toast and left her that way, doing practically the same. "Why are you so awake?" he muttered.
Scorpius ate his bacon, deciding to explain when he'd be able to read. There was still dried pudding on James's glasses.
Schedules fluttered down onto plates and heads, dropped by Professor Longbottom as he passed.
His first class was History of Magic. Yay, weird teacher!
Eating quickly and finding it odd that he didn't have Athena to run with, he left to go to the Owlrey. Several students were still heading towards the hall, calling out things to friends and rivals. Scorpius even got a few shouts.
"Hey!"
He froze, closing his eyes tightly. He hadn't heard that voice since she was four. It had barely changed. She made her displeasure at something known as she stomped up. "I'm talking to you, cousin!"
Slowly, he turned.
Oh, still the same. Staring down at her almost black locks and expensive hair clips, he waited, arms crossed.
"Why?"
He knew exactly what she was asking. Why wasn't he a proper Slytherin and why wasn't he showing her around like a good obedient idiot? Why she was waiting for a response...
Scorpius rolled his eyes, patting her head to irritate her and practically pushing her at Al, wanting to go to the Owlery without a tagalong critiquing his every move. That's what mothers were for.
Jogging quickly through the halls and up the stairs, he finally came to the room he required without running into anyone. He inched his way through all the small skeletons, droppings, and feathers mixed unpleasantly on the floor along a tiny path kept and cleaned by students as Professor Binns looked up from a corner with a yawn. Finally as far as he wanted to go, he held out his arm to Name Les, whistling slightly. She peered at him from under a wing and flew to him, landing and holding out her leg while he tied the letter on. She flew off and he immediately turned to go downstairs. Maybe he should have let his cousin come along, he hated being alone in the castle...
He made it down the stairs, into the corridor and was nearly at his class when he heard someone trying to hide crying and failing, echoed by the halls. Sighing, he followed it and hoped that it wasn't Moaning Myrtle out of her bathroom. He'd heard some unpleasant things about that ghost.
It was his cousin, who looked like she'd been the subject of both a particularly nasty Tripping jinx and Peeves. There was a large ink stain down her robes, which she was fruitlessly trying to clean off. Several students nearby were ignoring her.
As much as he may have hated Rhea, she was his relative. Nobody did that to his cousin.
He pulled her to her feet, quickly flicked his wand over her clothes. The students showed surprise when it responded, and he remembered that he had been told not use nonverbal magic at school, but screw that.
He tugged along the corridors, pulled out her schedule and finally located Lily, whose schedule had a coinciding class.
"Hi!" She bounced up to him. He handed Rhea her schedule and shoved her at the now energetic Gryffindor.
"I'm not going near h-I'm your new best friend, let's go to class," she said without enthusiasm. Scorpius gave her head another condescending pat and ran right back to History of Magic.
Thankfully, he wasn't late. Unthankfully, he ran into a Tripping jinx and skidded along a stretch of hallway on his side. He rolled, leapt up, and went right on going, barely making it in time as he slid into an empty seat at the back.
"That everyone? Anymore Olympic runners?"
A few sniggered, but the reference went over most of their heads. Scorpius carefully rubbed his arm, wishing that he hadn't left Shatter in his nest. Or her. Something like that.
He also wished he knew what Olympic was supposed to be in this context, but all things considering, there was no point.
"Now then! Considering your old teacher was a ghost who wasn't aware he was dead, I think we could all use with a whole new set of courses!" She tapped her wand on the chalkboard, and the chalk rose. "What's some topics to start with? Come on, just shout it out!"
The class remained quiet. Didn't she have curriculum?
"Come on, guys, I want to know what you're interested in! Just shout it out!"
Slowly, a hand raised. "Erm... Witch hunting?"
"Modern or medieval?"
The girl shrugged. "Both, I guess..."
The chalk scribed it in quick handwriting. A second hand raised.
"How about... Witch burnings! I heard that Americans had this thing called the Salem witch trials."
"Yes, but there's also witch burning in Europe-a lot of it-so we'll cover both."
"Could we study charlatans?" a muggleborn witch called. "My da keeps talking about them."
Professor Carpenter nodded and the chalk obeyed.
Rose, sitting two rows back, waved her hand wildly. "Energetic redhead, go!"
Rose froze, but then cleared her throat. "I... Um... I was wondering what we could find out about the beginnings of magic. If people thought it was... Good... Or bad... Or... Things like that."
She nodded. "That one will take some digging, though. Not sure there's really much left on that subject..."
Rose carefully lowered her hand, nodding.
"How about prejudice against magic?"
"Religion and magic?" That one was Michael, sitting two rows down.
"Latin and other spell languages!"
"Ghosts!"
"Alchemy!"
"Symbols!"
"Demons?"
"Demonic possession!"
"I want to hear about prophecies!"
"Animals and familiars?"
"Why do we use the terms witch and wizard?"
"Dimensions," Lysander said quietly.
"Sacrifice?"
"Blood sacrifice."
The darker topics had opened up. Demonic possession had been mentioned as a joke, even if it was now in print. Now...
"Souls."
"Resurrection."
"Immortality?"
"Fate."
"Concept of good and evil in magic."
"Gods."
"Near-death experiences."
"Philosopher's Stone."
Professor Carpenter's chalk caught up. "Good, good." Something clicked in her mouth as she yawned. "So-Sorry. I didn't sleep much. This is a good list. I'll keep a copy, and we'll study each in turn. For today, we'll start with this." She tapped the board with her wand, looking almost a little surprised to see writing appear, but recovered.
What followed was the most interesting History class Scorpius had ever been in, and now just because their teacher had her tongue pierced. She summed up the Goblin wars in this strange new way, where all this new information that was much more interesting than dates and names and notes came to light. The class wrapped up with an open discussion of whether wands would help or hinder non-human beings in their magic based on the given information. The discussion followed the students into the hall, down the corridors into their next classes.
"I mean, I'm not saying all goblins should get wands, since some of them were downright malicious, but not all of them wer-"
"Welcome to Defense Against Dark Arts, Rose, please end your conversation."
She looked at the man, who now had bright yellow hair, and nodded. "Sorry Te-Professor Lupid-Lupin." She blushed, face turning a deep red-purple.
He nodded. "It's alright, I'm sure it must have been interesting." He faced the class. "As I said, welcome!" He put a nasal tone in his voice. "Please fasten your seatbelts. Do not detach seatbelts until the sign reading seatbelts is no longer illuminated." A small yellow sign next to his head blinked a series of messages.
The class roared with laughter. They'd all had some experience from Muggle Studies concerning the "Muggle Female Flight Attendant."
He switched accents, setting a hat on his still yellow hair. "Welcome aboard the M. M. S. Defense! Call me Admiral, right Dominique?"
Dominique, who had come into class late, turned pink under her silver-blond hair. "Yes, Professor Admiral."
He tossed the hat into the seats. "Right, that joke's sailed it's course. And crashed in the shallows, from the looks of it." Scattered laughter. "My name is Professor Ted Lupin, I signed up to for whatever McGonagall would give me, and for all I know I got this job because my dad had it for a year. So for all I know, I suck at teaching. But I guarantee this'll be a fun year."
Teacher? Fun? What a hypocrisy! But Scorpius, Rose, and Al all leaned in, attention captured.
"Now, let's start with a serious conversation about indecision. Or maybe we shouldn't. I can't decide."
They laughed.
"But really. Let's get started. In a throwback, let's look at boggarts!"
There was a quick silence as everyone checked for a joke. None stood out.
"Right, so who knows what a boggart is?"
Several people raised their hands.
"Right, girl sticking her gum to the underside of her desk!"
Most of the class glanced back at her.
"Name?"
She looked down, pink cheeks clearly visible. "Catharine Bainbridge," she muttered.
"So can you tell us what a boggart is?"
"A creature that takes the form of a person's worst fear. They're defeated by laughter. One moved into my father's study last summer."
"What's the charm to defeat them...Malfoy?"
Scorpius blinked in shock, eyes widening.
"Er... Professor..." Sean carefully raised his hand. "He can't answer... Er... He's a mute..."
"He can find ways around that."
Scorpius finally pulled out his air-write quill, trying desperately to remember the charm. Someone had mentioned it once... Um...
Right! In Harry's story! His third year!
Scorpius blinked, shoving that slight parallel to the back of his mind as he wrote riddikulus in the air.
"Exactly! Repeat after me, frogs and to-ladies and gentlemen! Riddikulus!" He waved his wand as his hair turned rainbow, sides shrinking in and the center growing out. The rainbow mohawk of laughter.
"That wasn't my fault, by the way, this is what happens when my grandmother uses it on me. Happened every day. Come round a corner-'Riddikulus! Oh, sorry Teddy! I thought you were that boggart from the closet. You're covered in peanut butter."
They laughed again, the sound bouncing off the high ceiling.
"And if you think getting haircuts are bad, imagine when you can do it yourself! 'Gran, I don't want to have short hair today! I was playing jungleman in the living room!'"
Someone fell out of their seat, laughing loudly. Professor Lupin grinned widely. "Right! Let's get practicing! I'll have a boggart by next class!"
The rest of the class was spent waving their wands, watching the Professor's hair change color, talking, joking, and of course: bragging to potential love interests.
(Third years could have crushes too!)
"So I waved my wand and WHOOSH! It was pushed back into the fire and exploded!"
"So I would have been in the Triwizard, but they decided I was too good-"
"You wouldn't have been!"
"What do you know, Al?"
"More than you, obviously."
"And you see, once I do that, he's supposed to marry me."
"And the explosion took out the chimney, but I survived by ducking behind the couch and blasting pieces that came flying towards me-oh, sorry, did I hit you?"
Professor Lupin stood on his desk. "There once was a man from Nantucket-"
"Who finished that limerick, was fired and kicked the bucket, Professor Lupin."
He winced. "Er... Hello McGonagall. Didn't hear you come in. Um... Something wrong with-"
"I know what particular one you were going to say, Professor. Refrain from announcing dirty limericks to impressionable third-years!"
The impressionable third-years were instantly curious.
However, their curiosity was not to be sated, as a cowed professor dismissed his class. Scorpius began trying to think of what that saying could be. In doing so, his mind wandered into dangerous territory. Things that are supposed to be regulated by hormones and extremely awkward talks from ones mother that make children swear they'll never look anyone but their maiden aunt in the eye again. THAT territory. It struggled in vain and made it out in time for the next class, barely.
That was Charms, which was extremely subdued after the energy of Professor Lupin's class, and Scorpius saw no less than three people suddenly start laughing, causing such mistakes as tables prancing across the room, turning Professor Flitwick's hair blue and in the spectacular case that dismissed the entire class while their dear professor went looking for the Headmistress, turning Al's ferret into a rather confused blond girl that chittered at everyone and crouched in the corner.
This and similar topics were the highlights of lunch discussion as Scorpius and his friends all sat around and thought up that week's pranks.
"I convinced Peeves to join us, payment in ink pellets and Wheezes exploding gum. So he can provide any distractions necessary to get away. So this week, I think... Well, not much of the week left. And there's still detention. Er... Lessee..." James adjusted his glasses.
"Slip potions into the school drinks?" Rose suggested, pulling out a piece of parchment. "Ones that do weird things, like make everyone sing love songs or talk in rhyme?"
"Sure. Or nifflers in History of Magic-No wait, Professor might get hurt. Damn those piercings."
Scorpius grabbed the parchment, writing, 'Charm the suits to wolf-whistle.'
Rose took it back. "Well, your head's in the gutter, isn't it?" Scorpius turned a little pink. "Oh, don't worry about it, Teddy has that effect on people. It wears off." She looked at the ceiling. "Any ideas, Lil?"
"Um, um, um... Put a ferret down someone's pants?"
Rose and Scorpius managed to spit drinks across the table in unison.
"What?"
"N-Nothing... Oh GOD!" She repeatedly slammed her fist against the table, red from laughter and choking. Lily looked naively confused. Scorpius was vaguely aware of one Sean Creevy attempting to explain what had happened in Charms before bursting into laughter himself, the small section of the table in uncontrolled fits.
"Okay then," Fred said as they calmed down. "None of that. But... Hm. Wait! I have some-no, I lost it."
"Oh yeah. Happy birthday, Rose! Well, extra-early birthday, but I'm scared it might tear my backpack apart." James pulled out something small and furry and except for the long fangs and thick ruff of fur round the neck, a rather innocent-looking baby rabbit.
"Heard they got along with cats, and I had a friend who couldn't keep it. It's friendly! It just... Doesn't like being confined."
Rose carefully took the creature, which Scorpius vaguely remembered seeing in a pet shop when he was six and being denied, holding it to her chest. "...Thanks... I guess." She still looked slightly confused. "Um... Where did he get it?"
"His yard, in the rat trap. There was a nest of them nearby."
"A nest of rions, James?"
"Den, warren, whatever the word is. So anyway, his dog was gonna kill it, and so he pawned it off on me since I'm too damn gullible for my own good, and I decided that since you don't have a pet-"
"I'd like the unholy magical spawn of a rabbit and a lion. How do you breed them anyway?"
"I dunno. Vegetarian lions? You tell me, you got your mum's smarts."
Rose sighed, rolling her eyes. "Whatever. Come on, little guy! Let's find out what you eat!" She grabbed her backpack and stood, leaving her lunch abandoned. Scorpius took the plate, scraped it onto his own and continued eating. He didn't give it much thought, he just didn't want to see good pie go to waste. Considering that James was giving him that look that said he was going against the rules of normal cool, it probably wasn't a good idea.
This was the moment that he realized that there was girl germs (No, worse! Rose germs!) in his mouth and he carefully swallowed in disgust, disguising it as a what shrug for James.
"That was Rose's. And you're eating it."
Lily, while they were distracted with their one-sided conversation, had swiped Scorpius's plate. "Mine!"
Fred and James were making excuses to leave the table, which was never a good sign.
"Hey look! Splash is back to normal!"
And indeed she was. Headmistress McGonagall strode down the floor to Albus, holding a white ferret with a splash of grey.
"Refrain from bringing your familiar to classes, Mister Potter," she said in clipped tones, holding her out.
"Yes ma'am," Scorpius saw him mouth in return, taking Splash. James and Fred headed right over, in front of everyone, and began to tease him.
Scorpius looked at the ceiling, which was still the same shade of grey as this morning, and counted. Three, two, one. Okay, time to go save him friend. Scorpius stood up.
"Um, Scorpius?" Lily asked quietly. "Can I talk to you?"
Scorpius sat down, directing his full attention to Lily and ignoring the Ravenclaw, who had dug an old song called Draco the Bouncing Ferret and was singing it loudly and off-key.
"I don't like that you shoved Rhea Greengrass off onto me. I know people think I'm a nice person, but she's definitely not, and she's not the type of person I want to be seen with. She's..." Lily kicked her feet, staring at the ground. "Quite frankly she's immature-the second I said she was wearing her tie wrong she screeched at me-and a brat and I would appreciate if you wouldn't force me to be around her again." She glanced up and flushed. "Er... Sorry if that was rude, but..."
Scorpius smiled in understanding, admiring her courage and insight and stood up, amazing wit and quill all ready to defend his best friend from his own relatives. (And correct some of those verses. They had the chorus all wrong!)
He couldn't help thinking that if Lily was just a few years older, his grandfather might like her.
Yup! The Monty Python bunny comes to Hogwarts. This was partially the humor chapter and partially filler. Please review!