Part 10: The Unforgettable Ukyou
Herb looked at the assembled group with distaste. The dank basement room was private enough, he supposed, but he had expected something at least a little more...regal.
"They're not exactly professionals," his contact in Shanghai, a loathsome slob of a man called Big Wang, had admitted. "But the Syndicate isn't exactly big news yet in Japan, either. But don't worry, they've assured me they can get you what you're looking for."
Herb was beginning to doubt Big Wang's wisdom. But, like the council back at the Syndicate had said, you had to start somewhere. And somewhere, in this case, was the 'headquarters' of the Furinkan High School Magic Users Club.
"So, I've heard that you're a prince!" the gaunt young man in the bright purple robes gushed, staring at him with wide, obviously sleep-deprived eyes. "I'm Hikaru Gosunkugi. It's a true honor to meet you, your highness!"
Herb allowed himself to smile. Grovels were always nice. "The honor is mine, Mr. Gosunkugi."
"I'm Tsubasa," the petite brunette beside Gosunkugi drawled, much less politely, smiling lazily at him. "You must be rich." Dressed in a traditional schoolgirl's uniform, she was pretty enough, but there was something about her that Herb found disturbing.
"Rich enough, miss," Herb replied, shrugging. He looked over at Mint and Lime, who, oddly, seemed to be having no reaction at all to Tsubasa's presence. "Mint!"
Mint obediently marched over to the table and set down a small briefcase.
Herb watched the group closely. There were six others, all of them as peculiar as the first two. "Half the money's here. You'll get the other half afterwards. Now..." He removed a computer printout from his coat pocket, smoothed it carefully, and placed it on the table. It was a picture he'd downloaded of a breathtakingly beautiful woman, her bright golden hair shining in the sun. "Tell me your plan."
Ryoga sat at the small table in Ukyou's bedroom, in male form again, his head splitting. "I hurt," he managed to get out, between small moans of agony.
Tarou laughed. Ukyou patted his shoulder sympathetically, sipping from a steaming cup of green tea. "Been there, sugar."
"First hangover?" Tarou asked him, grinning ear-to-ear.
Ryoga planted his head miserably on the table. "Yes."
Tarou laughed again.
"Anyway, you're welcome to crash here for the day if you want, sugar," she said, glancing over at Tarou. "We've got some business to attend to, so we'll be gone for a while."
Ryoga didn't move. "Don't leave me."
"Your whining amuses me," Tarou told him, unhelpful as usual.
Ryoga whimpered. "I'd pound you if I could move."
"Like you pounded that guy that stole your girlfriend? Or that other guy that stole your other girlfriend?"
"I hate you so much."
Ukyou winced. "That was harsh, Pantyhose. Even for you."
Ryoga sighed dismally. "I hate the whole world and everybody in it."
She looked at him, amused. "Even me?"
"I guess so. Nothing personal."
Tarou snorted back laughter. "So, we going to destroy fem-boy's world, or we gonna coddle Sobby McEmopants here all day?"
Ukyou looked at him skeptically. She swirled her green tea. "'Sobby McEmopants?'"
"...that was kind of weak, huh," he muttered.
She nodded. "Probably not as bad as 'pork loins,' though."
"I sort of liked that one."
"You know what, Pantyhose?"
"Yes."
Ukyou blinked. "Uh...you do?"
He gave a perfunctory nod. "I know pretty much everything, so it stands to reason I know whatever it is you're about to say."
Ukyou shook her head. "You're weird."
"See? I already knew you thought that."
"That wasn't what I was going to say before!"
"You lie."
"I do not!" she protested indignantly.
Tarou emitted an evil little chuckle.
"You know what?" she asked.
"Yes."
She brushed that aside. "I don't think it's your NAME that's keeping you from finding a girlfriend, Pantyhose."
"Of course it is. I'm strong, handsome, and charming. What else could it be?"
Ukyou smirked. "Your claim to know pretty much everything is falling to pieces."
Ryoga kept his head on the table, ignoring their banter. "So, you guys are going to destroy Ranma's world, huh?"
Ukyou glanced at Tarou sourly, then shrugged. "Yeah. Looks that way, anyway."
Ryoga grunted. "That's my job."
She giggled. "Maybe when you're feeling better, sugar."
"What're you guys going to do?"
Ukyou was aware that Ryoga and Ranma were almost friends on some level, so she wasn't particularly inclined to share the details of her plan with him. "Well, it's just-"
"Oh, it's brilliant," Tarou cut in, grinning toothily. "See, we're going to take that last vial of valley girl water that Konatsu brought back and dump it on Ranma. I've already called Happosai into town for the joyous occasion. Then we figure it'll be a cakewalk to set valley girl Ranma up with the old pervert, and since the letch will know he's got me to thank for it, he's going to reward me with a new name! It's PERFECT!"
Ukyou stared at him with horror. "That's not the plan, you idiot."
Tarou grinned even broader. "No?"
"No!" she said, scowling. "That's not even remotely what we discussed! That's a completely horrible plan!"
Tarou cackled. "It is horrible! That's the point! Horrible for FEM-BOY!"
"No, it's horrible because it's stupid and it won't work," she told him curtly. "Tell me you did not seriously already call Happosai into town for this."
"Oh, but I have."
She buried her face in her hands. "What is WRONG with you?"
Tarou smiled. "I'm very anti-heroic. Lesser minds cannot comprehend. Anyway, I went ahead and stowed Konatsu's waters away in a nice safe location, so YOUR pathetic plan has no chance of success without me!"
"By anti-heroic, you mean evil?" Ryoga interjected mildly.
Ukyou's eyes began to glow with rage. "You stole my water?"
Tarou laughed. "I did! By the way, speaking of water, how's that tea?"
She looked down at the cup of hot tea in her hand. "It's...what?"
"That sounds about right."
"Wha..." She tried to stand up, then shuddered, then collapsed. Tarou punched Ryoga cleanly in the back of the head, which, in his weakened state, knocked him off into la-la land.
When Ryoga came to, he was still on the floor of Ukyou's little apartment. He was bound arms, hands, and feet with tough nylon cord. "U...Ukyou?" he managed, staring about blearily.
Ukyou, also tied up, was still unconscious. Ryoga slowly wormed his way over to her and nudged her with his toe. She didn't move.
He stopped poking her, and lay back down, his head throbbing. Well, he thought, sighing. Life sucks. At least Tarou had evidently decided to leave the two of them alone, aside from tying them up. Ryoga was very aware that he could be a rat or a pig or an emu or something right now.
After about fifteen minutes of listening to himself breathe and consoling himself by imagining all the horrible things he was going to do to Tarou, Kenji, and that jerk in the Mercedes, Ukyou finally began to squirm.
She stared around for a minute, not comprehending.
"Hiya, Ukyou," Ryoga greeted her, smiling sourly.
She continued to squirm, making agitated noises.
He wormed his way beside her. "Yeah, these ropes are pretty tight, huh?"
She flipped over to face him, her eyes wide. He flinched slightly. Her face was about two inches away from his, and the closer he was, the more obviously alien her glowing eyes were.
"So," he said, after a moment of awkward closeness, "trusting Pantyhose Tarou was not one of your better ideas."
She stared at him flatly in response, and he met her gaze evenly. I'm not panicking! he realized, with a start. At the very least, he should have been sweating bullets and close to fainting from being this close to a girl!
She raised an eyebrow. "Why would you be panicking?"
He stared. "Did...did I say that out loud?"
"Yes..."
"No!"
She sighed. "What?"
"I...I..." Ryoga bit his lip, frowning. I know I didn't say that out loud! Or else I'm really losing my marbles... He grimaced slightly. After yesterday, I guess that wouldn't be too surprising.
She watched him sympathetically. "Your marbles are fine, sugar. I think anybody would take what happened to you pretty hard."
He stared at her, eyes wide.
"Seriously," she said, a bit of worry creeping into her voice.
"I...didn't say that out loud, either."
"What? I just..."
"I didn't," he said, emphatically.
She chuckled. "Either you're wrong, or I'm a mind reader."
He continued to stare at her, eyes wide. Good god, she's a mind reader.
Her eyes also grew wide. "Oh man. I definitely didn't see your lips move that time." She thought for a moment, then focused on his face intently.
"Are you reading my mind?" Ryoga asked, sweating nervously. "Right now? Because it looks like you are, and if you are I think you should stop because I really don't want you to read my mind and-"
She stopped. "Uh...right. Sorry." She paused for a moment. "So, uh...I don't make you panic, which is your typical reaction around girls, either because I'm not quite human or because you've matured and become embittered as a result of your horrible experiences with Ryu and Akari. Or both. You never actually did anything but kiss Ryu a few times and you're not sure whether that makes you seem more or less imbecilic. Also you're secretly harboring a tragic love for Ranma's blonde half, and you feel terrible about it because you're scared that might make you gay. You find that idea particularly terrifying because you're half-girl. And you used to be P-Chan, Akane's pet pig."
She stared. "Didn't P-Chan SLEEP with Akane?"
Ryoga closed his eyes and whimpered softly. "I hate my life."
"Sorry." She looked embarrassed for a moment, but her fascination quickly overwhelmed her embarrassment. "Well I gotta tell you, sugar, nobody ever panics around me. I mean, I successfully convinced everyone around me that I was a guy for most of my life. That doesn't come from being a pheromone-drenched beauty queen, let me tell you. I think it's kinda cute that you were too shy to do anything with Ryu, but yeah, I have to say, given what I saw of that girl, you're pretty much the most gutless guy in the whole world. I don't think harboring a tragic love for Ranma's blonde half makes you gay. I'm halfway in love with Ranma's blonde half myself, and I have no interest in other girls whatsoever. And that's really disturbing that you used to be P-Chan."
"A mind-reading psychologist," he mumbled sourly. "My life is pure hell."
She seemed oblivious to his discomfort. "Wow, this is really cool." She giggled, staring at the tiny amount of empty space between her face and Ryoga's. "There's this little glittering web joining us together! And-" She noticed his look of bafflement. "Well, I guess you can't see it. But I see it! It's all silvery and shining, and it's connecting us! And there's these little tiny streams of some kind of liquid passing through the web, coming from you to me! Ryoga, I think these are your thoughts!"
He had a dark look on his face. "I'm glad you're getting so much enjoyment from this."
"Oh!" she exclaimed, shocked. "Jeez, stop the hate, sugar! Wow, you're really pissed off at me. Hey, do you think if I force some good thoughts about me back through the web towards you, maybe you'll be less mad?" She frowned and began to think nice things about herself. "Oh, look! Now there's some thought liquid going back towards you, too! So, what do you think? Are you suddenly overwhelmed by thoughts of how awesome I am?"
He scowled. "Stop it! Stop it!" He shook his head. "Aaaugh! This is like some kind of twisted...twisted...er..." A light seemed to come on in his eyes. "Wow...you really are an amazing person, Ukyou..."
She giggled girlishly. "Aren't I, though? Here wait, let me see if I can make you think this..."
Ryoga watched her with renewed admiration. "I can't believe how agonized you were over Ranma and his father stealing your okonomiyaki cart. Oh god, and your father passed away just six months later, that's horrible, Ukyou!" He closed his eyes, as her thoughts and memories slowly filtered through his mind. Dressing like a boy because her fiance dumped her, he thought. She must have a really strong will to have made it through all that... Then he stopped that line of reasoning dead in its tracks. Wait, but that's no tragedy compared to the hell I had to endure at Jusenkyo!
Ukyou's eyes flashed. How dare he assume that his experience at Jusenkyo was in any way comparable to her father's death, and ten years of constant suffering!
Ryoga's lips formed a hard line. One day as a pig was a more horrible form of suffering than anything she'd ever had to endure! How could she make the assumption that...that...
The trickle of memories from her mind suddenly became a torrent, and his eyes widened as her mental anguish from all those years of living as a boy, orphaned, scorned, and dirt poor, came pouring into his mind...
She stared, horrified, as she became suddenly conscious of Ryoga's experiences from the first few weeks he'd endured his curse. She closed her eyes, and remembered being hung upside down in the Jusenkyo Guide's hut, above a boiling pot of water...
Poor Ryoga...
Poor Ukyou...
They both paused mid-thought, apprehensively inching away from one another.
Wait...how are you...
What?
I didn't transmit all that information to you!
Huh?
I was just trying to...wait, are you still...
He nodded. Yeah...I can pretty much see your whole mind...
Wow.
Yeah...
This is really weird. Okay, I'm going to close down the mental link now.
Please do.
A minute passed.
Taking your sweet time.
Um...Ryoga?
He watched her nervously. Yes...?
It's closed.
Well obviously it's n-
You're still reading my mind! she thought, accusingly.
Well I can't really help it, okay? And just for the record, I'd like to say that your plan was just as stupid as Pantyhose's.
Shut up, Ryoga! What do you know?
Everything! Absolutely everything! Because I can read your mind!
Oh. Right.
Neither of them thought anything for a long moment.
Well, this is awkward.
Very.
I'm not sure I like this.
I'm sure I DON'T like this.
Can't you DO something about it?
Um...no. That, uh...web of stuff between us was sort of, um, replaced.
By...?
Well, now there's this sort of weird glow between us, and...uh...
And what?
Well, I sort of have the intuitive feeling that this might just maybe be the special mental psi bond that a Protoss can only form once in his life, as told unto us by the holy wisdom of the Khala, and so this might kinda sorta be a little bit, um, permanent.
WHAT!
Happosai gallivanted down the sidewalk, whistling a merry tune. His grateful protege, the aptly named Pantyhose Tarou, had provided him with a picture of a heart-stoppingly beautiful blonde woman and said that if he'd only show up at the appointed time, she'd gladly become his wife.
Sheer joy blossomed in Happosai's withered, evil little heart, and he danced a happy dance as he thought of the woman's breathtaking visage. My wife! he thought, his eyes wide and his heart glad. Oh! I will be so happy! I would give up everything in a heartbeat if only that vision of loveliness would be my wife!
And there he was! Pantyhose Tarou, that wonderful boy that he had had the honor to name!
"Happosai," Tarou grated, watching the old man with frigid eyes. "Nice to see you again."
Happosai danced around Tarou, laughing, holding the picture of the blonde woman over his chest. "Pantyhose, my boy, my boy! It's a joy to gaze upon your face once more!"
Tarou smiled grimly, his eyes glinting as he coldly evaluated the old pervert's glee.
Happosai cackled. "So tell me, tell me! Who is this angel that you've promised to me, my boy?"
He grinned. "All in good time, Happosai. First I want my payment."
Happosai grinned back, wickedly. "Think I'm so gullible, do you? How is it that such a beautiful woman would come to love a shriveled old man such as myself?"
"Perhaps she's just taken note of your charms."
"Perhaps, perhaps." Happosai laughed. "Come clean with me, Pantyhose Tarou! Or you might find that new name is something worse than a nylon undergarment." He smiled up at Tarou from his lofty vantage point of 2 feet, 5 inches. "Perhaps you fancy the name...Tampon Tarou?"
Tarou paled. "Don't you threaten me, Happosai. I'll-"
Happosai inched closer. "How about Douchebag Tarou?"
Tarou inched away, his eyes wide.
Happosai grinned, seeing his attacks draw blood. "Tossed Salad Tarou? Colonoscopy Tarou? Impotence Tarou? Buttsex Tarou?" His eyes gleamed as he watched Tarou stagger backwards, in agony, and he prepared the coup de grace. "Or how about...Tarou the No-Talent Ass Clown?"
Tarou screamed, collapsing to the concrete sidewalk, holding his head in anguish. "You...you wouldn't! You monster!"
Happosai chuckled, and let Tarou's terror run its course. "Now," he said, at length, once Tarou's shaking had mostly subsided. "Tell me exactly how you plan to get this gorgeous woman to marry me."
Tarou stood back up, attempting (and failing) to regain some semblance of dignity. "Magic," he said, his voice still quavering.
"You know magic?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow.
He shook his head violently. "No. No! I don't. But. I have some special water. From Jusenkyo." He bit his lip fiercely, trying to clear the terrible fear that still snaked its tendrils around his fragile soul. "I got ahold of some special Jusenkyo water that will make this woman love you." He stared at Happosai fiercely, setting his jaw. "That's all you need to know."
Happosai considered then, then shrugged, cackling again. "Alright, my boy. I'll trust you, just this once. And I suppose, if you actually come through with this, changing your name, however perfect it may be now, will be a small enough price to pay."
Herb covered his eyes with his hand, letting out a soft groan.
"Prince Herb?" Mint asked anxiously.
"Is there a problem, your highness?" Gosunkugi asked him, his voice quavering.
"This woman's name is Ranma?" Herb repeated, disbelieving.
Gosunkugi glanced at Tsubasa, who shrugged. "Yes, Ranma," Tsubasa affirmed curtly. "So what?"
Herb stared into the distance, gritting his teeth in frustration. "I...know Ranma."
Tsubasa snorted. "How could you possibly know Ranma? Isn't your Syndicate based in backwoods China somewhere? I'm sure there's more than one person named Ranma in Tokyo, anyway!"
Herb shook his head, closing his eyes. This isn't happening. After their last encounter, he'd acquired a grudging respect for the (other) sex-changing martial artist. And Ranma was in actuality a man! He could not wed another man, even if...even if...
He looked down at the woman's picture, and felt his chest constrict. Perhaps Tsubasa was right. Perhaps Ranma was truly a common Japanese name. He realized that he didn't know. It could be like the name Mint among the Musk, he reflected. You can't walk ten steps in Syndicate territory without tripping over five guys named Mint!
He swallowed as he continued looking at the picture. It's very easy to make excuses when those excuses allow you to make a woman that looks like that yours... He scowled, shutting out that part of his brain angrily. It was a different person named Ranma. No doubt. The Ranma he'd fought looked nothing like this woman, anyway!
"It doesn't matter," he grated harshly, shaking his head again. "As you say, I'm sure it's a different person."
Tsubasa smiled reassuringly. "Surely. Now, er...so we've got two things we need to do here, really."
"Two spells, you mean," Herb said.
"Yes, two spells," she agreed, smiling, the unpleasant gleam coming to her eye again. "One's a love spell. That's straightforward enough, since you've supplied us with the eleven point three million yen to buy the insane list of reagents it requires. The second, ah..." She paused, then went on carefully: "It's just a sort of preparation spell. It's not too big a deal."
Herb smiled back at her. "I have a good sense about magic. You'd better tell me exactly what this second spell of your does."
"It's, uh, a binding spell," Gosunkugi offered, hesitantly.
"A binding spell," Herb repeated. "And what does a binding spell do, and why do we need it for this?"
"It's really just sort of a formality before casting any other spells of this nature," Tsubasa explained glibly. She seemed to be sweating a great deal. "It's...well, what it does is lock a person into their current body form. Of course this isn't really NEEDED here!" she added quickly, smiling. "Sort of an, ah, holdover from the days when people were worried about succubi and shapeshifters and silly stuff like that. We like to, um, err on the side of caution, though, you understand..."
Mousse stumbled through the streets of Nerima, squinting balefully at the cheerful glare of the sun. He'd been changed back into normal form while he was unconscious after being cold-clocked by that obnoxiously strong half-alien vixen, Ukyou, and had awoken in front of the Cat Cafe.
There is truly no fate worse than awakening to Cologne's vengeance, he reflected bitterly, leaning heavily on his gnarled walking stick. She had taken out all her frustrations about what had happened on the mountain on his already battered form, and left him in a bloody heap in the alley behind the cafe.
So he walked. In search of a place to stay, something to eat, and maybe a nice tall glass of cool water to wash it down...
He shook his head, grimacing. No! I must not surrender my soul to the Dark Side again. Then he looked up again at the hatefully shining sun, and felt his fury rise. Oh, but the Dark Side of the force is so sweet, and all I need to find it again is just a little bit of nice, cool water, and... No! Damn it! Damn it all!
He couldn't say for how long he hobbled hopelessly along Nerima's streets, baking silently in the hot sunlight, when he stopped, and looked at the storefront to his right.
"Ukyou's...Okonomiyaki Shack?"
He did a very slow, pained double-take, and gradually convinced himself that this was, indeed, the Ucchan. He thought again of that beautiful, beckoning glass of cold water, and nearly screamed in frustration.
He stumbled through the door to the restaurant, and relished the cool air inside. Maybe Ryoga would be inside, or Ranma, or somebody that he could talk to. Even Ukyou. Anybody. He needed to...needed to...
A twinge of wrongness hit him, and he looked around, the feeling of strangeness momentarily clearing his head. There were no people inside, and the lights were dimmed, and Ukyou was not there.
He leaned on his stick, confused, breathing hard. Where...? He looked at the staircase behind the counter, and, swallowing, hobbled over and began to slowly ascend them, one painful step at a time. More than anything else, he walked up the stairs because he figured maybe Ukyou was up here, maybe she was sick, or was opening late, or something, anything to keep him from succumbing again to the temptations of the Dark Side.
Ryoga sighed, and stopped struggling against his bonds. They were just too strong. He lay back with a sour grunt. What on earth were the ropes made of, anyway? How was it that a guy who could crush boulders effortlessly with his bare hands couldn't break a few ropes?
He realized it was because he'd become a huge wimp.
Wait a minute... He turned and glared at Ukyou. What the hell did she know?
Oh, right, she knew everything, and he was suddenly possessed of the desire to bow down before her infinite knowledge!
Ukyou, who was, in fact, not actively trying to plant thoughts in Ryoga's mind, was busy fighting off a black depression. What was the purpose of her life, now that her love, her one true love, was finally and irrevocably lost to her? Why did she even go on living if-
She stopped that line of thought, realizing with no small shock that she was thinking of Ryu. Akari. Or maybe Akane. She leaned back, sighing wistfully, falling into a sad daydream that was a weird amalgamation of Akari's tender smile, Ryu's ditzy giggle, and Akane's sweet malleting of a very deserving Ranma...
She shook her head sharply, and stared daggers at Ryoga. He returned her gaze with his own acid stare. What a jerk! No, no, that wasn't right...he was no jerk, she suddenly realized, but one actually one of the strongest, most decent, honorable men that she'd ever had the privilege to meet... No! Those were Ryoga's thoughts, not hers!
They continued to stare at one another, unblinking, both vaguely horrified about their newly minted psionic bond.
Mousse opened the door, and hobbled inside, breathing heavily.
Oh God, Ukyou thought, squirming helplessly in her ropes. Just when I thought this couldn't get any worse. Where the hell is Konatsu when you really need him?
Ryoga transmitted a short, bitter laugh to her mentally. Welcome to my world.
I don't want anything to do with your world, sugar.
Well maybe you should have thought of that before you activated your crazy little Kayak-approved pie link, or whatever the hell it was!
That's Khala-approved psi link, you jackass! Since you're obviously sitting there combing through my mind, maybe you could have bothered to pick up the right name!
Oh, well, I'm so sorry! Maybe if you weren't-
"Ukyou?" Mousse asked, his voice oddly tremulous. He coughed. "And...Ryoga?"
Ryoga let out a long breath. Thank God, he's in his normal form for the one time this decade!
He looks like he got beaten up pretty bad...
Yeah. Wonder who could have been responsible for THAT?
They looked at each other, chuckling nervously. Well, he certainly deserved it, one, or possibly both, of them thought.
"What happened to you guys?" Mousse was asking, kneeling down to cut through Ukyou's bonds with a long knife that he apparently had pulled out of nowhere.
"We were working on our Houdini acts, and got a little carried away," Ukyou told him.
I'm laughing on the inside, Ukyou, Ryoga thought, his 'voice' dripping with sarcasm.
You know, you're a much bigger jerk when you don't have to speak out loud.
I'm actually a really nice guy. I'm only a jerk to crazy alien chefs who think invading my mind is fun.
Hey! I'm only part-alien!
Ryoga looked at her with sympathy in his eyes, realizing that he'd been too hard on her. Things had been tough for her lately, what with the multiple demolitions of her restaurant, the loss of her beloved Ranma, the change into her strange human-Protoss hybrid form. His heart ached terribly as he thought about it.
You're doing it again! he thought, accusingly.
She grinned at him. I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Mousse watched the exchanges of facial expressions between the pair with mounting confusion. He sawed laboriously through the final bonds clasping Ukyou's feet together, and she bounced up energetically.
"So...seriously," Mousse grumbled, beginning to cut through Ryoga's bonds. "What happened to you guys?"
"Pantyhose Tarou happened," Ryoga told him flatly.
Mousse nodded. "I hate that guy. But...why'd he tie you guys up?"
Ryoga and Ukyou glanced at each other, exchanging thoughts furiously for a few moments. They came to the conclusion that he was probably at least somewhat trustworthy, as long as they could keep him away from cold water. He was cutting them loose, after all.
"Short version," Ukyou began, stretching gratefully, "is that we were, uh, planning an, um, joint endeavor to, you might say-"
"They were going to ambush Ranma and beat him to a pulp," Ryoga supplied helpfully. "But Tarou, predictably, stabbed Ukyou in the back, since he was only using her to get to Konatsu's supply of Jusenkyo water."
Ukyou favored Ryoga with a quick dirty look, then added, "And he's called Happosai into town."
Mousse looked taken aback. "Happosai...? You don't mean...?"
Ukyou sighed. "Yeah. He's got another can't-possibly-fail scheme worked out to con a new name out of the old pervert."
"What is his plan, exactly?"
She told him. Mousse was silent for a long moment.
"Now, I'm no fan of Ranma's," Mousse admitted, slowly. He clenched his fist. "But...even HE doesn't deserve to be made into that old creep's wife."
Ryoga and Ukyou confirmed quickly that they agreed on this.
"NO ONE deserves to made into that old creep's wife," Ukyou said, shuddering.
Ryoga nodded. "Not even Ranma."
"So I guess..." Mousse trailed off, as if he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "I guess...we're going to go save Ranma, then."
Ukyou grinned wickedly at him, cracking her knuckles. "We'll save him, then celebrate afterwards by pounding him into bits. What do you guys say?"
Herb knelt down awkwardly in the bushes, hunched under his umbrella, giving the two 'wizards' a resentful glower. "I can't see anything from here!" he hissed. Mint and Lime sat next to him glumly, the rain pelting them.
Tsubasa smiled sweetly at him. "You don't need to see. Just jump out when I shout your name. And make sure you're QUICK about it!" she added, for the third time. "Remember-"
"Yes, the love spell only works once," Herb said impatiently. "I heard you the first two times."
"Master Herb, our suits are going to be ruined!" Mint complained, looking at the mud caked on his black suit from the wet ground. Lime nodded his mournful agreement.
"Shut up," Herb told them curtly, feeling the water slowly creep up his nicely creased pant leg with mounting horror.
"Listen. You have to be the FIRST person she sees!" Tsubasa admonished him. "You need to be FIRST! Right after we cast the spell, I'm going to shove her towards these bushes. All you need to jump up, and once she sees you, she's yours!"
Tsubasa and Gosunkugi disentangled themselves from the bushes surreptitiously, then hurried over through the drizzling rain to the front doors of Furinkan High School. It was only about a fifteen foot run, but Gosunkugi was thoroughly winded by the time they arrived.
"Ranma's...always...late..." Gosunkugi wheezed, bracing himself against the wall once they'd ducked inside the school. "School...starts...in...about 25 minutes." He caught his breath. "So we just wait around, and once the flood of idiots has passed, Ranma should straggle in about 5 minutes later."
Tsubasa nodded, smiling his disquieting little smile. "And you know for a fact that the binding spell works."
Gosunkugi sweated. "Yes. Well...I mean...yes."
His fellow wizard eyed him critically. "Good."
He gave a nervous laugh. "I mean, when I say yes, I mean, well..."
"Spill it, Gos," Tsubasa told him, sighing.
"Okay. I've tested it, but, I mean...I don't really...I mean...there was a nice flash of light and stuff!"
Tsubasa nodded, encouraging. "Right...and the binding spell worked, right?"
Gosunkugi shrugged helplessly. "I don't know! I mean, who was I supposed to test it on? I don't know anyone who has more than one body!"
Tsubasa groaned. "You mean you don't ACTUALLY know if it works."
"Well...no."
"Do you have any idea who these guys are, Gos?" Tsubasa asked him, his voice strained. "This is the Musk crime syndicate! These guys are insane! They came out of literally nowhere in the past year, and control like 75 of the black market activity in Qinghai province already, by some estimates! They're brutal and ruthless as hell, and this guy, their prince or whatever, they say he's the worst of all! I, uh...did some research on the internet about this the other night," he added, sheepishly.
Gosunkugi glared at him darkly. "You might have thought to look all that up before you contacted them, you know."
Tsubasa scowled. "Well, I didn't know you were such an incompetent at casting your binding spell!"
"You didn't even know about that binding spell until AFTER you'd contacted them!"
"Yeah, well...well..." Tsubasa paused. He stared at the ground. "Uh, yeah. So maybe I didn't think this through all that well."
Gosunkugi sweated, peering apprehensively out of the small window in the door to where the Syndicate men were hidden away in the bushes. "Well...maybe we could cancel this?" he said, hopefully. "I mean...do you think we could just walk out?"
Tsubasa stared at him in disbelief. "Walk out? On these guys?" He smiled a slightly manic smile. "Do you have any idea what they'd do to us if they knew we'd blown eleven million of their yen, dragged them all the way to Japan, and then just skipped out at the last moment? Any idea at all? Don't you ever watch The Sopranos?"
Gosunkugi nodded. "Yeah...okay, forget walking out, then..." He paused. "Man, the ending to that show was horrible."
"Tell me about it!" Tsubasa agreed, shaking his head sadly.
They were silent for a moment, then Tsubasa's nerves got the better of him. "So if this binding spell doesn't work," he said, swallowing. "Uh...is there anything else you could try? Any other spells?"
Gosunkugi shook his head, soaking up Tsubasa's nerves and acquiring a look of muted terror. "N...no..."
They stood there for a while, thinking about their impending doom and what fools they were.
"Good luck that it's raining today!" Tsubasa noted.
Gosunkugi nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes! That's a good omen for our success! If Ranma's a girl already when he shows up, this will be much easier!"
Silence.
"Of course," Tsubasa pointed out, "he might have an umbrella."
The feeling of doom returned, and they both stared down the desolate hallway in despair.
25 minutes passed. The horde of imbeciles passed by, and the bell rang. Another four minutes passed, and Gosunkugi's eyes widened as he peered through the little window.
"It's Ranma," he confirmed, daring to smile. "And he's in girl form!"
Nabiki stared blearily at the computer monitor. She clicked a few times, then clicked some more, then clicked some more.
The bell rang.
She turned and looked out the half-shut blinds of the school's computer lab. "Oh, god," she muttered, watching the light filter in with disbelief. "I promised myself I wouldn't be here all night playing World of Warcraft again..."
Guys, I gotta go, she typed. She rubbed her eyes, realizing for the first time how exhausted she was.
nooooo don't go sham we're almost to the last boss! Deathroguezz whined, jumping up and down.
QQ, Bignastykillah added, sobbing pathetically.
She sighed, rubbing her eyes again. She really hated to bail on her team like this, and she was soooo close to hitting level 68, but...
She began to move her character around the screen again, trying to decide what to do, when a brilliant flash of light suffused everything around her.
Ranma stumbled backwards, nearly losing her footing on the wet concrete. What the hell was that? she wondered, trying fruitlessly to clear her vision from the blinding light.
Gosunkugi and Tsubasa burst through the school's front doors, chanting.
"Look, whoever you are," she grunted, beginning to stumble forward blindly, "not today, okay? I'm already late!"
Their chanting stopped, and Ranma felt an odd twinge in her chest.
She looked around, confused and still completely blind.
"Prince Herb!" Tsubasa shouted, charging at Ranma and knocking her towards the bushes where the prince was hidden. "Now!"
Herb burst out, in female form from her waterlogged pants, halfway blinded by the flash herself. "I'm here!" she shouted, staggering towards the school's entrance. "Ranma! My love!"
Ranma looked around, her confusion mounting. She let loose a frustrated scream as she lost her footing in the muddy grass. "What the hell is going on?"
Herb knelt before Ranma, her vision slowly clearing. There were tears of joy in her eyes as she beheld the perfect beauty of the girl before her. "Do you..." She swallowed, her voice choking up. "Do you truly love me?" she asked Ranma, plaintively.
Mint and Lime slowly crept out of the bushes, then fell to their knees in awe, staring at Ranma.
Ranma blinked several times, still unable to see past the end of her own nose. "Prince Herb?" she repeated, confused. "As in...Musk Dynasty Herb?"
Herb stared at her for a moment, then turned towards Tsubasa and Gosunkugi angrily. "She's blind from your stupid spell, you morons!" The two of them stood there stupidly, gaping both at Herb's unexpected sex change and, of course, at Ranma. Herb snarled, "Well, do something!"
Gosunkugi turned to Tsubasa and shrugged.
Tsubasa turned to Gosunkugi and shrugged.
"Look at me, my princess!" Herb whispered desperately, latching onto Ranma's head and staring into her eyes. "I beg you!"
Ranma growled and lashed out blindly, punching the Musk prince firmly in the nose, sending her tumbling unceremoniously back through the mud.
Tsubasa narrowed his eyes. "Hey, Gos...do you...hear that?"
Gosunkugi concentrated, and heard the sound of very heavy footsteps approaching from behind them, along with muffled shouts of alarm. "Hear what? What is..."
Tsubasa turned around, his eyes suddenly very wide. "Oh, god."
Gosunkugi also turned around, becoming even paler than usual. Charging directly at them from inside the school was what appeared to be a ten-foot-tall bipedal cow in a suit of magic armor, brandishing an enormous two-handed mace. Screaming in terror, the two wizards leapt out into the rain, scrambling away from the giant cow's mad dash.
The armored cow landed with an earth-shattering thud behind Ranma, waving its giant mace overhead in one huge, meaty hand. It let loose a tremendous roar. By this point, a good 60 of the school's students were gathered around the school's windows, cheering as they watched the chaos unfold.
Ranma's vision finally cleared, and she looked up at the monster with horror.
Then with love.
Ranma began to back away, her eyes wide, not believing the feelings that were overwhelming her completely. "Wh...wha...what's going on...why do I feel so..."
The cow bent over, looking down at Ranma with concern. "You alright, Ranma?" it asked, in a vaguely familiar, highly sarcastic tone that did not suit its monstrous appearance at all.
Ranma's face flushed, and she fell to her knees before the beast. "I...I..."
Herb had regained her footing, and wiped the mud from her fine-featured face as watched the monster. Her battle-aura began to glow fiercely. "What the hell are you?" she demanded, her face a mask of fury.
The giant cow shrugged. "Oh, hi, my name's Nabiki Tendo," it said, smiling with faint embarrassment. "Pleasure to meet you!"