Lily stared at her reflection, watching the color drain from her face. Pregnant? How was that possible? She'd always been so careful.
Well, almost always.
She'd meant to take the potion. Really, she had. But it had slipped her mind during that awful fight with James, replaced by the urgent need to protect Severus. She'd forced herself to go through with that bloody Vow, telling herself it would be worth it in the long run. Still, that hadn't stopped her heart from breaking, tears soaking her pillow as she'd lain in bed that night.
"If you need me, you know where to find me. Otherwise, I will respect your wishes."
The Patronus had taken her by surprise, lingering beside her as if waiting for a response.
I need you, she'd wanted to say. I need you right now.
Shaking her head, she'd forced herself to put her wand back down. Those words would have to remain unspoken, at least for the next three years. Whatever happened to him… to her… they'd both have to face it on their own.
No, she hadn't remembered to take the potion that night. She hadn't thought about it the next morning either, sorrow replaced by fury. James. It was all James's fault. If he hadn't been so vicious, so hateful, none of this would've happened. If he hadn't bullied Severus, hadn't driven them apart, hadn't manipulated her into believing…
There were countless "ifs", though they all amounted to the same thing. James Potter had ruined her bloody life.
Of course, it wouldn't be that way forever. She'd made sure of that. But to think that she had to live this way for the next three years, forced to look at his smug, self-satisfied face day in and day out…
She'd hated him in that moment, despised him so much she could've hexed him on the spot. Instead, she'd stalked right past him, summoning her jacket and a pair of shoes.
"I'm going out."
"Okay," he'd said, not bothering to glance up from his breakfast.
"Don't you want to know where I'll be?"
"I know where you won't be. That's all that matters."
She hadn't bothered to respond, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible. It was either that or kill him – unfortunately, the latter wasn't an option.
After that first morning, she'd gone out nearly every day. She'd visited Diagon Alley, browsed Muggle shops in London and beyond. She'd even headed up to Hogwarts, watching from a distance as a handful of students wandered across the grounds. She never stayed home… not unless she knew for sure that James wasn't going to be there.
"Sirius wants to head over to Paris," he told her a couple weeks later. "We'll be back on Monday."
"Fine."
Of course, he didn't hide his affair. Not anymore. He didn't even bother to cast Muffliato, her sleep interrupted by hours of groaning and cursing whenever Sirius stayed over. Honestly, she couldn't bring herself to care. Anything was better than having him in her bed, forced to endure his bungled attempts to get her pregnant.
Pregnant.
She'd waited for the two of them to leave that morning, glad for the opportunity to do some much needed cleaning. Gathering up her dirty clothes, she'd frowned as a small object had fallen out of one of the pockets.
The vial shattered all over the floor, though that didn't matter. Nearly three weeks since Severus had given her the potion… it was useless to her now.
Still, she hadn't panicked. She'd cleaned up the mess instead, putting it from her mind as she'd scoured the house from top to bottom. It only came back to her when she decided to take a bath, a momentary distortion flashing before her eyes as she undressed in front of the mirror. Her body looked the same as it always had, yet she could almost picture…
No. That wasn't possible. One time? Really, what were the odds? She forced herself to turn away from her reflection, running a hand across the flat contours of her stomach as she crawled into the tub.
A moment later, she was standing in front of the mirror again, shaking her head as she reached for her wand. Silly. Nonsensical. Downright paranoid, really. Still, she supposed there was no harm in putting her mind at ease.
No, she hadn't panicked. Not until she'd seen the telltale red sparks emerging from the tip of her wand. Even then, she'd forced herself to take a deep breath, careful with her pronunciation as she spoke the incantation again.
She cast the charm a third time, though of course, it was pointless to do so. Another flurry of sparks cascaded to the floor, leaving her white faced and shaking as she stared at her reflection. She felt faint, realizing that the illusion she'd seen before was no illusion at all. No, it was how her body would look in just a few short months, her breasts swollen, belly growing larger by the day.
Unless…
There was a potion that could terminate unwanted pregnancies. She even knew how to make it, something she'd remembered throughout all James's failed attempts. But even as it crossed her mind, she knew she couldn't go through with it. This pregnancy was unexpected, to say the least, but certainly not unwanted. Her child. Severus's child. If she'd been with him instead of James…
James.
Lily sat down on the edge of the tub, afraid her legs would give out. What the hell was she supposed to tell James? Obviously, he'd know that the baby wasn't his. Would the Vow be enough to protect it? She couldn't imagine him hurting a child, even one that belonged to Severus, but she could hardly see him accepting it either. What if he tossed them out? She'd have no money, no protection, unable to turn to Severus for help. Cast out into the world with a newborn, alone in the middle of a war…
No, she couldn't do that. She'd have to find another way.
The solution was obvious, probably because it was the only option she had. Still, she avoided it for as long as she could, desperate to find an alternative. She even considered throwing herself on Dumbledore's mercy, begging him to protect her and the baby and perhaps even Severus, too. But deep down, she knew she couldn't afford to take that risk. There was one way out of this situation, the best possible chance she had to protect her child.
Could she pull it off? That remained to be seen.
"How was Paris?"
"Fine," James said as Lily passed him the mashed potatoes. "Bloody great, actually."
Sirius nodded, helping himself to an impossibly large portion of roast beef. "Shame you couldn't come with us."
Of course, neither of them had bothered to invite her. She wouldn't have gone even if they had. Choosing not to mention that in either case, she poured them both another glass of wine. She needed James to be intoxicated for this conversation, hoping like hell that his impaired judgment would work in her favor.
"It's no problem," she said. "Really, it gave me time to do some much needed thinking."
"Bout what?"
James's eyes were slightly unfocused, a clear sign that the concoction she'd given him was working.
"About what happened with me and…"
"Snivellus?"
She nodded, ignoring the awful nickname. "I just… I don't know what came over me. Really, I don't. It all seems so strange, as if…"
"As if you were under some sort of spell?" Sirius finished for her.
"It didn't seem that way at the time, but now…"
"I knew it! Didn't I tell you, Prongs? No one in their right mind would ever shag that greasy…"
"Please," Lily interrupted, forcing herself to shudder. "I don't even want to think about…"
She couldn't have planned what happened next, though it certainly worked to her advantage. Her stomach felt queasy, one hand clapped over her mouth as she bolted from her chair.
Somehow, she made her way upstairs, dropping to her knees in front of the toilet. Her first bout of morning sickness? She hadn't expected it this early, though the book she'd hidden in her nightstand said it could begin as soon as two or three weeks along. She was nearing the fourth week now, dangerously close to running out of time.
"You all right, Lils?"
She nodded, managing a shaky smile as she sat back down at the table. "Sorry, I just…"
"Don't worry," James said. "We get it."
Sirius grunted in agreement, draining the last of his wine.
Both of them were looking at her with… was that sympathy in their eyes? They honestly believed that Severus had cast some sort of love spell on her, leaving her utterly disgusted now that the spell had worn off. She hated to let them think that, hated herself for portraying him in such a negative light. But to protect herself… to protect their child…
"Can we just put it behind us?" she said. "Please, I don't ever want to talk about it again."
"Fine by me."
Bloody James. He looked so smug, reaching up to ruffle his hair as he held out his glass for another refill. She filled it to the brim, taking a moment to top Sirius off before she leaned back in her chair.
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"I've been thinking about something else."
"What's that?"
"Our marriage. I know we've had our issues, but I want to be happy. I'm so tired of fighting with you, resenting you…"
He nodded. "I'm tired of it, too."
"What if there was something we could do to make things better between us?"
"Like what?"
She hesitated, taking a deep breath. "Like having a baby."
To her relief, he didn't look the least bit suspicious. Of course, that was probably helped by the wine he was drinking, heavily laced with Credulity Potion. He wasn't in any condition to doubt her intentions… especially when she was offering him exactly what he wanted.
"A baby?"
"Isn't that why you married me? A chance to carry on your family's name? Besides, you and Sirius have each other, and I… I get lonely, you know? If I had someone to take care of, someone to love…"
She didn't need to continue. One look at James's face told her everything she needed to know, his eyes bright with excitement. But then just as quickly, his expression sobered, filling her with panic as he let out a heavy sigh.
"I can't."
"Why not? I thought you wanted…"
"I did! I mean, I do, but…" He trailed off, clearly embarrassed. "We already tried. Tried for months, and it didn't work. I can't change who I am, Lily, can't just make myself…"
"Well," she interrupted. "There's one thing we haven't tried."
"What's that?"
She hesitated, taking a deep breath. This was the last step, the one thing she still needed in order for her plan to work. Her face felt hot, her stomach churning with nausea, but there was no turning back now. She lifted her chin, her eyes darting from James to Sirius and back again.
"What if Sirius joined us? Do you think that would help?"
The two of them sat silent for several endless moments until finally, finally, Sirius cleared his throat.
"Well, mate? What do you think?"
James looked like he'd been hit with a Stunner. For once, he ignored Sirius, all his attention fixed on Lily.
"You… you'd do that?"
"If it means I can have a baby? Absolutely."
"And you?" This was addressed to Sirius, who seemed annoyingly unruffled by the conversation.
"Sure," Sirius said. "Anything to help a friend."
James opened his mouth and closed it again, giving his head a little shake. "If we do this… I mean, if it works, how many times will it take…"
Lily shrugged. "We'll never know until we try."
"Might as well get started, then."
"Now?" James and Lily said in unison.
Sirius nodded, grinning at them both as he rose from the table.
Unlike her and James, Sirius took it all in stride, cracking jokes and making bawdy remarks as they headed upstairs. Despite herself, Lily was grateful for his behavior. It almost made her think that this wouldn't be so bad, that maybe she'd even…
Enjoy it? Well, no, she wasn't expecting that. But maybe it wouldn't be entirely awful.
"All right," he said when they reached the bedroom. "Clothes off!"
"Sirius…" She shook her head, grabbing a nightgown on her way to the bathroom. She shed her jeans and jumper, feeling a little sick as she imagined James inside her. And yet she felt even sicker when she thought about the alternative, placing a protective hand over her belly as she slipped out of her underwear. Would that make it easier for him to do what she needed him to do? She hoped so. Whatever happened, he had to believe this child was his.
By the time she returned, the two of them were completely naked. Sirius was reclining against the pillows, winking at her as James took him into his mouth.
"Get over here."
Tentatively, she moved closer, perching herself on the edge of the bed. Sirius snaked an arm around her waist, making her gasp as he pulled her against his side.
"I don't bite," he said, his voice husky. "Well, not unless you're into that sort of thing."
That was the difference between her husband and Sirius, one she hadn't even thought about until that moment. Unlike James, Sirius fancied men and women, his touch almost eager as he slid a hand up her thigh.
"No underwear? Naughty minx."
The next thing she knew, that hand was between her legs, his fingers rubbing her in smooth, practiced motions. Despite herself, she let out a moan, lost to the sensations as her eyes fluttered closed. For those few precious minutes, she forgot who he was, her mind recalling a different touch. The friction increased and the memory grew stronger, so vivid that she almost believed…
"Severus."
Thankfully, her slip went unnoticed, voice barely above a whisper as she buried her face in the pillow. She opened her eyes to discover that the boys had switched positions, both lying on their sides as Sirius entered James from behind.
"Should I…"
Sirius shook his head. "Not yet."
Slowly, he began to move, easing himself in and out as James groaned in response. He gripped him from the front as well, pumping him with firm, steady strokes. Gradually, he picked up momentum, sweat beading his forehead as he murmured in James's ear.
"Tell me when."
"Now," James gasped a few seconds later. "Now!"
Sirius nodded at Lily, sliding his hand up to rest on James's hip as she moved into position. And then somehow, James was inside her, both of them jarred by the force of Sirius's thrusts as he continued to move. She barely registered the sensations, her body rigid with tension as she waited for the end result. How much longer would it take? What if he couldn't…
"Mate, you've got to… I can't…" Sirius trailed off, cursing under his breath. She knew then what had happened, his hips going still for a brief, terrifying moment as he howled in pleasure. But then she heard James whimper in response, nearly weeping with relief as she felt something pulsing deep inside her.
It had worked. Bloody hell, it had actually worked.
Lily moaned, closing her eyes as she rested her head against the toilet. Morning sickness had plagued her relentlessly for the past few weeks, though she'd managed to hide it from James. It would've been too early for her to have developed that symptom… not that she'd expected him to know that, but she hadn't wanted to take any chances.
"You ever coming out of there?"
"In a minute!" she called back, pausing to wash her face before she headed downstairs.
"Well," he said, waving his hand at the profusion of garlands and fairy lights he'd hung across the living room. "What do you think?"
"It's lovely, though you really didn't have to…"
"Sure I did. It's a special occasion, isn't it? Look, Sirius brought champagne."
Sirius nodded, making her jump as he popped the cork. "Happy New Year!"
"Happy New Year," she replied as she watched him conjure a trio of glasses. "Though I really shouldn't drink."
"Why not?" James said.
"My stomach's a bit upset."
"You sick?"
"No," she said, pausing to take a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."
"Are you serious?"
She nodded. "About six weeks along."
"Don't look so surprised," Sirius said. "We have been trying quite a bit."
James shook his head, as if struggling to make sense of it all. And then suddenly, his face broke into a huge grin.
"A baby? I can't believe…"
"Congratulations, mate. You too, Lils."
"Thanks," she said. "Now if the two of you will excuse me, I need to finish throwing up."
She raced upstairs, not bothering to close the door as she hunched over the toilet. It certainly wasn't the most enjoyable New Year's Eve, though at least her secret was finally out in the open. Well, part of it. In truth, she was ten weeks pregnant, carrying a child that belonged to another man.
Of course, James didn't need to know that. She'd just have to fool him into believing she was a bit less pregnant than she was, then pretend it was a few weeks early when she went into labor. She could do that, couldn't she?
"You all right up there?"
"I'm fine!"
"You sure?" James called back. "I'm here if you need anything."
She blinked, surprised by the concern in his voice. A few minutes later, he headed upstairs, making her jump as he poked his head in the bathroom.
"How you feeling?"
"I'm okay," she said as she rose to her feet. "Really."
He stepped closer, his eyes fixed on her stomach. "I'm not sure what my part is in all this or what I'm supposed to do, but…"
"You've already done your part."
"Well, yeah, but I want to help. It's my child too, right?"
He looked so sincere, to the point where she almost felt bad for deceiving him. But then she remembered the Vow, reminding herself that she wouldn't have had to lie if he hadn't put her in such a difficult position. It was his dishonesty that had limited her choices, his hatred that stood as a barrier between Severus and their child.
"I'll be fine," she said shortly. "Thanks."
He nodded, wishing her good night as she headed to her room. Locking the door behind her, she crawled into bed, her eyes filling with tears. It was a brand new year, but somehow, she couldn't stop thinking about the past. What if James had never interfered in their lives? Would Severus have still become a Death Eater? If he hadn't been bullied so relentlessly, if they hadn't been driven apart, could she have changed his mind? If so, where would they be now? Would they have ended up together?
In the end, she supposed it didn't matter. There was no point in dwelling on things that couldn't be changed, nothing to do but turn her eyes toward the future. True, she didn't have Severus, but she had a part of him inside her, this precious new life that bound them together no matter how far apart they might be. That was comforting to say the least, though she wished she could tell him, wished he knew…
Unfortunately, that wasn't possible. Not yet. But someday…
Someday the war would be over. The Vow would expire and James would no longer control her, just as Voldemort would lose any power he had over Severus. Granted, they'd have to survive to see that day, but if they could get that far…
For the first time that evening, Lily smiled, cradling her stomach as she turned on her side.
If they could get that far, the rest would work itself out. She just knew it would.
"Ah, Severus. Thank you for responding to my summons."
"My lord." Severus bowed his head, careful to show the appropriate amount of respect. Voldemort had been irritable lately, displeased by his lack of progress in the war. Naturally, he blamed his Death Eaters, not hesitating to punish anyone who failed to meet his standards.
"I have a task for you."
"Anything, my lord. As always, I'm honored to serve you."
Voldemort nodded. "I'd like you to journey to Hogsmeade this evening."
"Hogsmeade?"
"The Hog's Head Inn, to be more exact. From what I understand, an old friend of ours will be conducting a meeting there. Go and see if you can obtain any useful information."
"Yes, my lord. May I ask who…"
"Albus Dumbledore. He'll be interviewing a candidate for one of his teaching positions."
Severus blinked, recognizing the significance of the assignment. Spying on Dumbledore? That must mean…
"You've impressed me, Severus. Perform well tonight and you'll find that many more opportunities will be open to you."
"Yes, my lord. Thank you."
He arrived in Hogsmeade a couple hours early, distracted by the memories the place stirred in him. His last visit had hardly been a happy occasion – that was the first time he'd seen Potter kissing Lily, followed by the ambush in the forest. Perhaps this trip would yield better results? He hoped so. All else aside, he wasn't in the mood to face another failure.
"Cold night," one of the shopkeepers commented as he passed. Severus grunted, wrapping his cloak more tightly around his body. He ducked into the Hog's Head, choosing a table in the most poorly lit corner of the bar.
"What can I get you?"
"Firewhiskey.
"That all?"
"For now."
To his relief, the old innkeeper wandered away, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He should've been focused on the task at hand, but something about being here…
Nearly six months and he hadn't heard a word from Lily. Christmas had passed along with New Year's, followed by both of their birthdays. Nothing. True, he'd agreed to give her space, but he'd assumed she'd still contact him from time to time. Was that so foolish?
He sighed, taking a long swig from his glass before he set it back on the table. Perhaps it would be easier if he understood why she'd chosen Potter, but after so many months, he was beginning to doubt his initial conclusions. Even if she'd felt obligated to try and make her marriage work, wouldn't she have given up by now? He could've sworn that she wasn't in love with Potter, remembering the disgust in her voice whenever she'd spoken of him. No affection, no passion between them that he could see. So why…
He lost his train of thought, his body tensing as a familiar figure appeared on the other side of the room. Dumbledore nodded at the innkeeper before he headed upstairs, followed by a distinct creaking sound on the floor above.
This was his chance. Severus knew it, draining his glass before he rose to his feet. He waited until the innkeeper's back was turned, his heart pounding in his chest as he crept up the staircase. Soon enough, he heard a low murmur of voices, holding his breath as he pressed his ear to the door.
At first, he heard nothing remarkable. Quite the opposite, his patience wearing thin as he listened to the woman's mindless chatter. What a fraud. Utterly unqualified. Clearly, Dumbledore had come to the same conclusion, informing the batty fool that she wasn't fit for the position of Divination professor. A wise choice in Severus's opinion, though he needed something to report. The Dark Lord was in no mood for disappointment, nor was Severus eager to endure the punishment that would surely follow. If he could just…
Something changed. As indescribable as it was abrupt, it sent a chill skittering up his spine. And then suddenly, he heard a different voice, almost frightening in its intensity.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches," it chanted, "born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… "
"You there!"
Startled, Severus whipped around so fast he almost lost his balance. His hand shot out, a futile attempt to brace himself against the door as it flew open. And then he did fall, only to be dragged back to his feet by the old innkeeper.
"Spying, eh? Not in my bar!"
"Wasn't spying! I took a wrong turn, I…"
"OUT!"
What followed was a flurry of motion, viselike hands gripping his shoulders as he was marched downstairs. The next thing he knew, he was lying in the street, blood pouring from his nose. Did he care? Not in the least. What that woman said…
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"
What did it mean? Severus didn't know, nor could he even be sure it was a real prophecy. It didn't matter. He felt his nerve endings thrumming with excitement, scrambling to his feet as he pressed his fingers to the Dark Mark.