.
10
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Ana, remains poised and silent, watching me with amusement, while I mentally torment and berate myself. I see her eyes widen excitedly as I shift us both sideways and lay her gently on my bed. I twist and lay beside her, feeling uncharacteristically nervous, just propped up on my elbow basking in the sight of her before me.
Moving slowly, I place my hand on her hip and roll her onto her side so that she's facing me. Her hands rise and slide under her cheek, just like they did that first night, and I can almost pretend, almost believe, that we're back at the beginning. This is my clean slate, our clean slate. The fuck up with Susannah hasn't happened and she's totally mine to woo.
"You're so beautiful, Anastasia," I breathe, as she smiles and her cheeks flood with color.
I can feel her apprehension and see her anxiety building in her bright blue eyes, but beside her nerves, I can also see, and feel, her growing arousal. She's almost vibrating under my palm and I want her, I need her and the most joyous thing about all of this, is that she genuinely wants me too.
I can't resist touching her any longer and her eyes close slowly, contentedly, as my hand runs slowly from her hip, up her side and up her upper arm. She sighs softly, as my fingers brush her neck before they cup her cheek and I sweep her blush with my thumb.
"You really want your first time... To be with someone like me?" I ask quietly. Still reeling from how things have progressed and feeling so unworthy of her and giving her a way out before this goes any further.
"What do you mean someone like you?" she asks, her eyes flying open and widening. It surprises me that she looks and sounds so affronted.
"Ana, I'm... You don't know..." I begin, unsure of exactly what I'm about to reveal to her, but needing to tell her something.
"Christian" she interrupts me firmly. "No matter what you try and tell me now, nothing will make me change my mind about you. I know in my heart that you're a good man with a very compassionate soul"
I want to scoff at her statement, but the look on her face makes me think it wouldn't go down too well, so I hold my tongue and secretly, drown in her praise.
"You've been nothing but kind, supportive, and protective of me since the moment we met" Ana continues passionately. "You didn't even know me, had never even met me before that day, yet with open arms you invited me into your home. You've helped me every day since and I will never forget that... I will never forget you... Please, Christian, I want to be close to you... Be my first" she breathes softly, clearly embarrassed but adamant.
My heart pounds and my breathing deepens as her words and assessment of me sinks in. I nod slowly. It's all I can manage, as the art of speaking seems to have left me completely.
Not taking my eyes from hers, my hand leaves her cheek and gently runs through her hair to the nape of her neck. As her eyes hood and her head rolls, I take much needed comfort from her warmth and her accelerated pulse that I can feel under my thumb.
My outward appearance may appear calm, but my anxious thoughts are running wild. How on earth do I go about this? I yearn to touch her and have her squirming unhindered beneath me. I long to pull her into my arms and feel every inch of her pressed against me, but how do I stop her hands from moving over me freely? How do I control what will happen once we're writhing, all twisted limbs on this bed? How do I do this... Without restraints?
"What's the matter?" Ana suddenly whispers, and I realize I've been pondering for a while.
I run my thumb up and across her jaw as I take a deep breath through my nose. "Ana, I know this will sound strange, but I've never done this before... Making love, is not something that I've..."
Ana frowns deeply, before interrupting me. "But, your contracted girls, surely you..."
"I have never been in this position with anyone of them" I interrupt her quickly. "They have never been in this bed like this with me... You, are the only one who has ever been in here, in my bed, in my room" her frown deepens and twists her brow in confusion.
"I don't understand, how can you not h..."
"I have a room upstairs that I've always... Entertained in" I explain simply. Hoping that she won't want me to elaborate further. Wishing more than anything that I don't have to, but of course, it was too much to ask.
"Ooh, does it have a bigger bed?" Ana teases, and I can't help chuckle at her quick humor and the growing look of mischief in her eyes.
"Well, yes, but that's not the reason..." I say truthfully, without thinking. My worries forgotten for a moment.
"Can I see it?" Ana asks suddenly, quickly sitting upright and preparing to clamber off the bed. I feel my chest tighten as the panic creeps in from my toes at her request.
By the time it's crawled upwards and reached the pit of my stomach I know this is going to be a mistake. By the time it's clawed its way further and reached my tightening throat, I know that once she sees that side of me she'll run, and run fast.
"Ana, I don't..." I begin to mumble as I automatically take hold of her wrist to try and stop her.
"Please, Christian" Ana says over me, her arm, twisting in mine so that she can take hold of my hand instead.
"You really want to go upstairs?" I ask, and she nods eagerly squeezing my fingers and tugging on my arm. I feel my stomach plummet because I really don't want her to venture up there. "Ana, the room I have upstairs is... Well, it's nothing you've ever seen before, and I don't think that you should. I..."
"Show me Christian" Ana states firmly, as she lets go of my hand and removes herself from the bed. She stands before me, waiting expectantly for me to follow her.
I do so, reluctantly.
I rise from the bed slowly, take her by the hand and lead her upstairs to my playroom. I cling to the feel of her hand in mine, knowing, that this is all I'll ever be granted by her... After I turn that key.
I know that she has to see this side of me. I know that she has to see what lies behind that door. But fuck, I really wish it didn't have to be right now.
She will never understand any of this and our night, our time together, will be over. Before it has even begun.
Once we're outside the locked door, I ask her to wait as I walk to my office to retrieve the key. I drag my feet and curse to myself the entire time, because I nearly had it all. I nearly got to lose myself with her, touch her freely, sleep with her, spend the night with her wrapped in my arms... Even wake up with her again.
As I return to Ana, I know that it's now or never, and my heart beat pounds in my ears as I slowly insert the key and open the door. I step inside and feel my posture slump as a wave of apprehension crashes. Ana is close on my heels all excited and eager, and never before have I dreaded bringing someone into this room.
Fuck...
I close the door behind Ana and turn the lights up slowly, illuminating the room, and all of its contents, in all of its glory. As expected, my heart constricts painfully at the look of shock that's growing on Ana's face with the more she can see.
Ana cautiously moves, stepping into the room further, before slowly walking ahead of me and taking in her surroundings fully. Her eyes are wide, her jaw is slack, her breathing is shallow, but what worries me the most, is that she doesn't say a word... She doesn't even look at me.
She pauses in front of the bed and runs her hand slowly across the deep, red leather mattress. "It's certainly bigger" she mutters to herself and I can feel my worry and frustration grow.
I have no idea what she's thinking right now, or how she's feeling towards me, this room, or this entire fucked up situation, but I know that I, I need to touch her. I need to feel her in my arms one last time before she flees, for as long as I can.
I walk slowly forward until I'm standing directly behind her. My heart pounds as I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her tightly into my chest. I arch over her as I run my nose up her neck and into her hair, inhaling deeply as I go. I'm selfishly, treasuring every second with her before she rebuffs me, but surprisingly, thankfully, she doesn't.
"Christian... What is all of this?" Ana whispers, as her posture softens and her neck bows automatically to my touch
"I'm a Dominant" I breathe into her ear without hesitation.
I feel her body expand and hear her soft gasp as her lips part in surprise, but as she takes a deep breath I relax, as I feel the shiver my proximity brings to her, run through her from head to toe. I hold her a little more tightly as her arms cross, then wrap over mine.
"A Dominant?" she utters, sounding a little despondent.
"Yes," I whisper, nuzzling her neck with my nose.
Disappointed in me or not, I see her eyes roll and close as she instinctively leans back into me. Her body weight feels so comforting resting against me and it helps wash away some of the anxiety that this whole situation has created within me. So I cling to her like a lifeline, breathing her all in.
Her scent is floral, sweet and intoxicating, and I'm dying to kiss her skin, taste her, even mark her with my lips, but she wouldn't want that. Not now.
"How? You're a sweetheart" Ana mutters softly to herself, obviously without thinking.
I chuckle unhindered, my lips vibrating against her skin. "Oh Ana... You don't know me at all" I utter, unintentionally sounding deep and dark, even to my own ears.
Ana picks up on my tone and after she involuntarily shivers, I feel her posture harden against me. She rights herself in my arms, then turns in them to face me. She doesn't step, or pull away from me as I'd expected, instead, with my hands now resting on her hips, she wraps her arms around my waist and looks up at me.
Ana frowns at me, before lowering her eyes to stare at my chest. I lift my hand and raise her chin until she's looking at me again.
I can't read the look in her eyes, they show so much, yet not enough to express how she's ultimately feeling. I see a little shock, obviously. I can see fear, understandably. I also see curiosity, which is natural, but the longer I look at her the more I can feel her anxiety growing, and then it happens. I see her face set and the look in her eye changes and settles on one emotion.
Sadness.
I freeze, holding my posture and my tongue. Scared of what I'll say. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. This is it. She's realized what a true and total fuck up I am. She see's what I could never be for her and she wants out.
I purposefully slide my hands around Ana's lower back, lock my fingers together behind her, then pull her forward so she's closer to me. I can't let her go, not just yet. She surprises me by stepping with me and laying her cheek against my chest and holding me just as tightly.
I welcome the feel of her in my arms and the silence that follows as I try to get my head around how she's still standing here and still allowing me to touch her. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth though, or try to justify why I should let her go, so I revel as the minutes tick by lost in her warmth. I keep silent, unsure, no, terrified, of what to say to her.
Ana herself, breaks the silence.
"So, the girl earlier, she was your... Submissive?... Of course she was, that's why she was silent and never looked at us" Ana asks, then mumbles sadly, answering her own question before I can. I nod, confirming anyway.
"Is that why you never mentioned her?" Ana asks, and I don't know if she's curious or hurt. I can see both emotions on her face.
"I never mentioned her because you, you being here, consumed me so much that I forgot all about her and our contract. She never crossed my mind in all the time I was with you, not until she walked through my door and interrupted us" I confess honestly.
"Tonight... Did you? Did she..." Ana suddenly asks, pulling away from my chest to look up at me, all wide eyed. I shake my head in denial quickly.
"No Ana" I state quickly, but her eyes widen further. "Truthfully, I admit, that I did begin a scene with her in here... But I couldn't continue... You, you were on my mind too much. I couldn't shake you free, even in here" I confess, feeling sick to my stomach as Ana's face falls.
She will never trust me again after this. I know she won't. How could she?
"You were in here with your Submissive, but you were thinking about me?" Ana asks, her voice low and hesitant. "You forgot all about her and what you share because of me?" she whispers.
I nod, then so does she as she unwraps her arms from around me and takes a small step back.
I unlock my arms from around her waist and give her the space she needs to rid herself of me. She turns away from me, but instead of heading towards the door like I thought she would, she begins to study the room and its contents more closely.
I remain where I am and watch her, transfixed, as she weaves her way around the room. I hold my breath as I see sadness mar her features and darken her eyes as she lingers over certain things. Once again, panic begins to bubble.
"I don't understand how this can be part of you" Ana says suddenly, turning to face me. "I never would have thought, not for a second... You're a little intimidating, highhanded and over protective maybe, but you're also sweet, compassionate, generous and this, this is... Why would you want to hurt that girl? Why would you want to beat her?... How could you be so sadistic?" she implores, and I feel sick to my stomach, because I know she will never understand no matter how much I try and explain.
"Ana, I promise you, I've never hurt anyone. All the women that have been in here have wanted to be. We have rules and limits that we both abide too. Hurting someone is not what... I'm not sadistic. I..."
"Did you use these things on her tonight?" Ana interrupts, turning her back on me and running her hand over the array of canes displayed in front of her.
"Not that particular implement you're touching, but yes, I did punish her." I confess quietly, to the back of her head.
"Why?" she whispers.
I sigh heavily, resigned to the fact that I have to be honest and tell her how I feel, and what she does to me.
"I've needed this room and the power it brings with it for so long, Ana. I've needed the control, the empowerment, the release... But with you, none of this, none of that matters. I have never lost control before meeting you, now, it's all I seem to do, but surprisingly, I feel better for it, despite the torment it brings of not knowing my own mind, nor understanding the feelings you invoke in me"
She turns to face me, still harboring sadness in her eyes.
"The lack of control I felt when you left during dinner, was... Frustrating, and I hated that she came and interrupted us, but it riled me more that you left and I couldn't stop you. So, I did vent my frustration out in here" I reply truthfully. "I will not be seeing her again, Ana." I vow, when I see Ana's brow crease and her eyes lower.
Lifting my arm, I brush the hair away from her face and sweep it over her shoulder. "Ana, tell me what you're thinking, please. I can't bear not knowing" I can't help breathe as she looks up, and stares at me silently. Her eyes vacant and desolate.
I'm worried this is finally it. This is why I can't have her and she'll see that, any second now she'll run, run as fast as she can and truthfully, I know that she should.
I could never stop her either.
"Christian, if your interest in me... Is for me to be your next submissive, then I'm sorry, but I don't think I could do that. I.." Ana's sudden confession stuns me.
"Ana, no, it's n..." I try and interrupt, while stepping towards her.
"Christian, I could never be your submissive... I like to talk to you, I love looking at you, I couldn't stop myself and that would be wrong and breaking a rule, wouldn't it?" she gushes at me sadly.
I automatically nod, even though the thought of her being my submissive has never entered my head. Playing with her, yes, but never contractually bound and hindered by rules. No. I want to touch her, talk to her, have her bobbing around my home freely. I want her in my bed.
"I want that too, Ana" I say quickly.
"I could never be comfortable in here, Christian... I... I don't do pain." she mutters, while looking around the room and I'm sure she hasn't heard my declaration. I step closer and hold her worried eyes.
"Ana, this, this room, is not what I want with you, I don't want you as my contracted Submissive... I want... More than that, but honestly Ana, you don't have to be afraid of this room" I tell her calmly, hoping to reassure her.
She laughs nervously and looks around very dubiously. I hold out my hand, which she doesn't hesitate to take, and I tug, so she has to step forward, and once she's in my arms, she quickly takes her place close to my chest.
"You could never be my submissive, Ana" I whisper into her hair as I wrap my arms around her. "You, have topped me from the bottom since you passed out in my arms, and you never even realized it... Neither did I" I admit, as she loosens her grip from around me and looks up at me quizzically.
I smile at her frown over the term I've used to describe her, and breathe freely when I feel her truly relax against me. "I love talking to you too, Ana" I continue, as her eyes brighten. "I love you looking at me, I love you being here, I love you being in my arms and I promise you, this, this room... Is nothing to be scared of"
Her eyes widen as she glances around, and I can see clearly that she's still unsure. I need her to accept this, accept this part of me. I can't have this coming between us.
I bring my arm from around her and cup her cheek lovingly, eager to reassure her and be close to her.
"You don't have to be afraid in here, I promise. So much pleasure can be found in this room... Let me show you" I utter softly, as she stares up at me with unconvinced eyes. "If you still want me to be your first... Then you need to experience this side of me too, let me show you" I express, desperate to be close to her and eliminate her fear of me and this room.
"In here, with these things?" Ana asks, her eyes wide and uncertain.
I nod slowly, knowing I won't necessarily use anything in here, I just need the reassurance of her trust and belief in me despite this side of me and what happened earlier with Susannah.
"Do you still want me? Still trust me?" I ask, praying that she does and that this will not blow up in my face.
"Of course I trust you, " she says, without hesitation and I can't help my relieved chuckle. "I want my first time to be with you. I want you, Christian, " she states clearly, hugging my waist tightly.
"I want that too Ana... But..." Ana pulls away and looks up at me with wide eyes.
"What is it?" she whispers cautiously.
"I use this room for a reason Ana, and I know how odd this is going to sound, but while we're together... You can't touch me. Okay?" I implore, dread creeping into my tone as it runs up my spine.
"I am, touching you," Ana giggles, as she tightens her arms and snuggles into my chest.
"I know you are, " I breathe into her hair as I hold her close. I relax, still loving the feel of her close to me. "You, are also the first person ever to do so" I confess, and she hugs me tighter in appreciation as she murmurs my name. "Ana, I'm serious, this is different, I can't allow you to touch my chest or my back freely. I don't know if I can..."
"Why?" she asks suddenly, looking up at me with confusion.
I stare down at her, loving the flush to her skin and the concern in her eyes. How do I begin explaining how my life began and the shit I had to endure? How do I tell her what I've been through and what I've become because of it?
"I'll show you" I say simply, taking the easiest way out. I step away from her and remove my T-shirt, quickly pulling it over my head.
Ana's eyes leave mine and slowly trail down the contours of my chest. I can feel her taking me all in and I smirk to myself, when I see her eyes tighten, her pupils dilate and her tongue slips out to moisten her bottom lip before her teeth claim it and start to gnaw upon it.
I can tell instantly, when her thoughts register what her eyes see tainting my body, because her lust filled, hooded eyes suddenly sadden, then fly up to meet mine.
"Oh Christian, what happened to you?" she asks, as her face falls and her eyes widen compassionately. Her hand lifts involuntarily to touch and ease me, then she remembers my warning and lowers it quickly.
"It doesn't matter right now, that's a story for another time. Just don't touch me, okay?" I repeat.
"Of course" she nods, as she steps closer, wanting to claim her spot back.
"I can obviously hug you" she states, with a growing smile.
"Yes, for some strange reason you can" I agree, before mirroring her grin.
"Can I touch your neck?" she whispers as she gets closer. I nod, loving the growing glint in her eye and building apprehension. "Can I touch your hair? Your arms? Your legs? Your hips? Oh... Can I touch your ass?" she teases, placing her hands on my hips and sliding them down and around to squeeze me mischievously. I nod with relief as I chuckle. Enjoying the new feeling she's inducing in me.
"Then you're safe with me, Christian" she utters honestly, holding my eye.
"As you are with me" I whisper, as I lift my arms and cup her face in my hands.
"I know" she utters confidently, as she stares up at me.
As I hold Ana's gaze, I can feel the tension building between us. I watch closely as her breathing deepens and her eyes bounce between mine and my lips.
"Will you ever kiss me?" she mutters unintentionally, before biting her lip and blushing deep red. I chuckle, as my thumb slowly draws across her bottom lip, releasing it from her teeth.
I lean in, inching slowly closer, savoring the new feeling of anticipation that's building within me, but Ana, has no such restraint and rises up onto her tip toes, pushes her lips to mine and closes the distance between us.
She shows her impatience and her inexperience and I smile against her lips, before I take over and watch her eyes roll closed.
As my eyes close, I feel my lips burn as the heat from her sears into me so deep that I feel myself shiver. I feel exhilarated as our kiss escalates, and despite, or maybe because of her naivety, it feels amazing, and kissing, has never felt like this before.
Ever.
I've kissed and been kissed before, but they were powerful, controlling, hard and dominating kisses. The crushing of lips to leave them numb. A painful reminder of the power, possession and control that was held over them.
But this, this is different. Our tongues are battling sensuously, gaining confidence as the familiarity seeps in. I can feel her growing passion and trust in me with every tentative flick of her tongue and it's exhilarating.
For such an innocent, she's so enticing and arousing. How can that be?
Her arms rise and hold my shoulders as my lips mold with hers. Her hands sweep up my neck and fist in my hair, her arms encasing my head. I feel the protection she offers me as it runs down my spine and straight to my growing cock.
Jesus. H. Fucking. Christ.
After a few lost minutes, Ana pulls away from me with a loud gasp as her need to breathe becomes too much. I miss her contact instantly and as I look at her, and her eyes burn with mine, I know that I'll do anything she ever asks of me. I'm hers, until I take my last breath and my life ends.
"Ana," I breathe, as my hands wrap around her pulling her closer to me.
"Show me, Christian" she demands, her body pulsating and screaming for more against mine. "I won't deny... Being a little frightened of some of the things in here... But I am curious and I trust you, so please... If this is where you're most comfortable, then I trust you in here... And I promise not to touch you" she gushes, her eyes hooded and full of yearning.
My newly awakened heart throbs more poignantly than my cock at her declaration of her faith and trust in me. I've shown her so much and she's still here. She still wants me... She's not running.
"You're so brave, Ana. I'm truly in awe of you" I whisper.
I lean down and begin to kiss her gently but can't stop myself from pulling her lower lip with my teeth. "I want to bite this lip" I utter without thought.
Ana moans against my lips and my cock hardens instantly at the feel of her lips vibrating against mine. I feel her hands tighten around me as her passion begins to grow, and fuck me, it feels amazing having her in my arms like this.
God... What this woman does to me.
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