Chapter Nine- The Way She Feels
Chapter Ten- The Way She Feels
A: N/ The song The Way She Feels is by Between the Trees. I do not own it. The song is actually about God, which is how I take it when I listen/ sing it but for this story it isn't. The video is amazing, it is on YouTube, so check it out and tell me what you thought about it. This next part is completely fictional and parts of the last parts are as well. I did not; I repeat did not go through the next part of the story. But if you experienced something similar and want someone who doesn't know you to talk to about it, I am all ears. My email address is so yeah. Also Between the Trees supports a foundation (you have probably heard of) called To Write Love on Her Arms, check that out a . Oh and another foundation I love is called Heart Support, you should also check that out. I think the website is if not then google it.
P.S. A/ N: I'm sorry for taking so long to update. This is the final chapter and I wanted to make it good. It also took a bit of inspiration to write it. Luckily for you guys though that burst of inspiration came from the Christ in Youth: MOVE Summer Conference. It was amazing, and also part of the reason I didn't post… it was in California and my computer was in Arizona so… Also I have band camp this week so that is also why this chapter (and the previous chapter) are so late. I apologize, BUT I did write two chapters for you AND ended the story so there is no more waiting for you!
Hermione leapt off of the couch only to be met by resistance by her sore body. Her stress was catching up with her. Hermione was very angry and started to express it under her breath. She walked over to a particularly fat chair and kicked it. She was furious that Malfoy thought that he could just walk all over people. He was an insufferable jerk. What gave him the right to say such nasty things to unsuspecting people? Hermione hadn't done anything to him that Ron and Harry hadn't done. He didn't even know what he was talking about 'If you hadn't been so selfish about coming here then she wouldn't have had a reason to go loony like she did' Hermione ripped him apart in her mind before the words seized their opportunity and settled in her head and made a home there.
Soon Hermione found herself sitting in the fat red chair. She was dissecting Malfoys' mini-monologue. She was angry at herself now, she had killed her mum. She had been too self-centered.
She was responsible for it. She was at fault. Hermione was sincerely surprised that her father hadn't disowned her yet. She was sincerely surprised that she hadn't really connected the pieces yet.
Hermione was still angry, but this time at herself.
She's upset, bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer
To drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this
Hermione opened her robes to get her razor blade out of her pocket. She was just going to stop thinking about it. She then pulled off each of her trainers. She switched the razorblade between her middle and ring finger on her left hand so that she could take off her jeans. Once the fitted material was off Hermione could feel her legs breathe. She took the razorblade into her right hands and gripped it with her thumb and first two fingers. Quickly, impatient for relief she brought the knife down and stuck the point of it into her skin and ripped it downward.
She opens it there's nothing
There is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks
Then she closed her eyes
She found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
The rush was too much. Hermione soon was out of control. She nearly cut the flesh off of her thighs. Blood was pouring freely to the ground. She could see this but she was numb. She kept digging at the skin on her legs. Soon it seemed only two pink lumps of flesh were left. Hermione moved to her inner thigh and continued gauging in a fresh piece of flesh.
She was going to kill herself. She decided. It was the only way to help her father cope with Hermione virtually murdering her mum. It was the only way to redeem what she did. This would also help the rest of the school exempt Harry and Ron. They saw her as nothing more than a nerdy bookworm.
She was crying freely now. She wanted to die. She wanted everything to be over. She was losing quite a bit of blood and knew she would probably pass out soon.
Then she closed her eyes
She found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
Hermione took the razor blade and plunged it into the new flesh and drove it in a vertical downward motion. She gasped. This cut hurt a lot more than the others. She looked at the laceration. Her eyes widened immediately as she saw how much blood was flowing from her leg. She realized that it was the saphenous vein (a vein in the leg that runs from the foot to the thigh near the surface of the skin). Hermione quickly realized that she was going to die. She quickly realized that unless something was to happen in the next few minutes she would become very quick friends with Moaning Myrtle.
Hermione also realized that she did not like the pain she was feeling from her leg. Every other time the pain was very minor and quickly went away. Hermione was in it for the blood, it worked well for a distraction.
Curled up she's on the floor
Relief left her
She had hoped for something more from it
Hoped for something more
From it
Hermione then quickly realized that she didn't want to die. She did not want to hurt Harry and Ron. Harry and Ron. Harry and Ron! How could she not have thought of them? Hermione let the razor blade gracefully fall to the cold floors of the room. She then got up as quickly as her raw flesh would allow and wrapped herself in her robe. She then hobbled over to the door. She opened it, the heaviness of it nearly crushing her fragile body to the ground. On the other side of the door, pacing, with a pained expression on his face, was Ronald Weasley. He looked up and cried out at the sight before him. Hermione was nearly doubled over and a small puddle of blood was forming under her robes from where she had paused by the door. She was sobbing and whispering something along the lines of, "Sorry…help…don't want to die." Ron immediately ran over to her and caught her as she fainted. He carried her and ran as fast as he possibly could to the infirmary. She was light in his arms and he was able to get there in about a minute.
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping
And he wraps his arms around
And around and around and
Madame Pomfrey wasn't in the room so Ron started to shout at the top of his lungs. "HELP! HELP IN THE INFIRMARY! THIS GIRL IS GOING TO DIE! SOMEONE GET IN HERE! HELP! WAKE UP! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SLEEPING! HELP! EMERGENCY!" His voice roared through the castle and Peeves came in to see what the commotion was. "Oh, Weasel what do we have- I'll go get her," the poltergeist said after seeing Hermione. Ron was thankful for his help because Peeves could get to Madame Pomfrey faster than anyone else.
Less then a minute later, the angel herself appeared. She saw Hermione lying on a bed where Ron had laid her down gently.
"Oh my. My, my, my," Madame Pomfrey said before whipping out her thin, long wand. She used a spell that would continually pump blood into Hermiones' system until she regained all that she had lost. Madam Pomfrey then began to charm the wounds closed, starting with the nearly fatal one that ripped apart the saphenous vein.
Ron watched out of the way though he turned his head when Madam Pomfrey disrobed her. He was sobbing. He was confused. He didn't know what had happened, all he knew was that Draco Malfoy had had something to do with it and that he was going to pay. But first Ron was going to need some answers from Hermione. Rons' tears splashed silently to the floor and he tried to wipe his face. He needed to be strong for when Hermione woke up. That was very hard however, considering that the girl he was completely and madly in love with was lying on a bed after nearly bleeding to death.
'What if I hadn't gotten there in time? What if I was too late and she died? Where would I be then? What would I do? What would Harry do? He had already lost nearly everyone around him. Why did this happen? Why her??"
Ron was fighting to hold back tears. He was losing. Hermione was the reason he didn't fake sick more often. She was the reason he tried to be more than he was. She was the reason he was alive. She had saved Harry and himself several times with her intense knowledge of subjects he hadn't deemed worthy enough to study.
Hermione made his heart flip-flop by merely complimenting him. She was the star of many of his dreams. She was who Ron wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She was the only one for him yet she didn't know it yet. Even if she never returned the feelings he had for her, Ron knew he would never love another as much as her. Now she was here, almost dead and he had absolutely no answers.
Ron was able to compose himself mostly. He was aching with pain on the inside but he was able to nearly hide it. This was good news because soon after Madam Pomfrey healed her legs and stopped the blood flow Hermione woke up. Ron got the okay to turn back around by the nurse soon before and saw her covered in a white cloth gown.
Hermione slowly sat up and Madame Pomfrey ran over to her and gave her a bar of chocolate and then told her that the Headmaster would be down soon to discuss with her the night's events. Then the nurse turned to Ron and told him to leave. Hermione heard this and shouted, "NO! I need him to stay!" Madame Pomfrey gave her an irritated nod before leaving the room.
Hermione slowly lifted her gown and looked at her thighs, leaving the fabric down far enough to not show anything.
Her thighs were heavily scarred. Madame Pomfrey was able to heal them completely but was unable to get rid of the scars. Hermione then started to count them. Ron watched her with a wrinkled brow. Silent tears ran slowly down his pale face as he reached out and ran his finger over a dark purple scar. Hermione peered up into his face and told him that there was roughly two hundred cuts.
Ron looked sadly at her and whispered, "How did this happen Hermione?" Hermione was ready to tell him, ready to explain her irrational actions. Ready to repent.
She sighed and told him about her cutting herself for the past few months and about what Draco did. She knew she should probably leave him out of it but realized that she couldn't explain herself fully unless she did. She realized she just wanted to tell Ron everything.
Ron listened to her story and started to cry harder, against his will. He thought about how selfish he was that he never noticed, and about how hopeless she must have felt. How lonely.
Hermione reached up to Rons' face and wiped away a tear. She finished her story and looked up into his dark blue eyes. They were filled with pain and that broke Hermiones' heart. She started to cry too and then she wrapped her arms around Rons' waist the best she could sitting down and whispered that she was sorry. Ron immediately pulled away and told him that he was sorry. Sorry he was too preoccupied to notice, sorry he wasn't good enough to be there to help her, sorry that he ignored her pain as something that she would just 'get over'. Then he told her that all of the scars on her legs were beautiful but that they shattered his heart. He then told her that one day they would be a faint memory of a darker past that lead to a better future.
The deeper you cut the deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut it only gets worse
The deeper you cut the deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut it only gets worse
It gets worse
Two Months Later (Epilogue)
Hermione left Dumbledores' office where he had been acting as a therapist, helping Hermione sift through her memories and emotions. She felt more alive than she had since before her mum died. Harry and Ron were a huge support system, now that Hermione felt she could talk to them about nearly anything.
She's slowly opening
She's slowly opening
New eyes
Hermione walked back to the dormitory and thought about Dumbledores' assignment for her: to write a poem about her experience. She had shared with him her other poetry and he told her that she had talent.
Once arriving at the Fat Lady's portrait Hermione told her the password and then climbed into the hole. Ron and Harry were waiting by the fire as they usually were when Hermione got back from "therapy". They liked to discuss what happened and hear what Dumbledore wanted her to do. Hermione filled them in to what the session was about. They listened and then waited to hear about the assignment. Hermione told them and they quickly asked what she was going to write.
She told them that they were going to have to wait for a while to find out. She wanted it to be a surprise. Hermione really didn't tell them because she didn't exactly know what she was going to write.
After making small talk for a little while Harry yawned loudly and announced that he was going to go to bed. Hermione still wanted to study so she told him goodnight and got up out of her chair. As she waved to an uncomfortable looking Ron she started to make her way out of the room.
Ron leapt up quickly from his chair though and yelled, "Wait!" then he paused as she looked around at him, "I want to talk to you about something." Hermione walked over to the red Ron and asked him what it was. He simply told her that they needed to find somewhere more remote to talk.
They two walked out of the room and went to an empty classroom. Ron was eager to get the next few minutes over with so he jumped right into what he wanted to say.
"Hermione. We have been friends for a very long time…" He was unsure of how to continue. Hermione looked on to him patiently but Ron could tell she wanted him to continue. "Okay… and I know that I am not enough for you but… I have been in love with you since the end of first year, after you saved me from those green vine things…" Ron rushed the last part. He then registered the shock on Hermiones' face and turned around to leave. Hermione caught Ron mutter the words, "Wow, I feel like a real wanker," under his breath and Hermione instantly pulled on his should to flip him back towards hr again.
Hermione grabbed his face with her small hands and pressed her lips to his. Ron gasped in the kiss but returned it with hesitance. Hermione pulled away and began, "Ronald Weasley do not ever say that you are not good enough for someone. You are one of the best people that I know and probably will ever know. Do you hear me? Another thing, mister, you caught me of guard I had an excuse to be shocked. I was not rejecting you."
Ron looked ashamed down at the floor and asked, "So… what do you think about me?" Hermione smiled and kissed him again. She then pulled away and whispered into his shoulder, "I think I've loved you since I saw you on the train first year with all of that dirt on your nose." She laughed and slowly wrapped her arms around his thin waist.
He then asked her, "but why? I'm not funny, I'm not perfect, I'm not rich, and I'm not the "Boy-Who-Lived". I am poor, inexperienced, and second best to a kid who is destined to save us. I'm nobody."
Hermione looked at the boy in front of her and simply stated, "I love you because you are the "kid" who saved me. If it wasn't for you, Ronald Weasley, I wouldn't be here today. You saved me from myself and then helped me find the strength to deal with my past in a way that won't kill me. And you are the only man who would ask that question."
Then she opened her eyes
She found relief in his life
And put down her knife
Whoa
Then she opened her eyes
Found relief in his eyes
And put down, she put down her life
Clearing up Writers Block
My scars depict my story
I carefully wrote with steel
I ripped apart old chapters
And refused to let them heal
My story almost ended
When I ran out of ink
The last page was quickly turning
The book began to shrink
I fought to keep it going
Struggled against the writing block
Felt the bind closing up
And openly displayed my shock
You found the story dying
Falling to the ground
You picked up the book
It was lost and now was found
I can hear the pages turning
Over the dark details from before
It was able to continue
Because you saved it from the floor
-Hermione Granger
Poem Dedicated to Ronald Weasley
A: N/ Hey. So that is it, I hope you liked it. I want all of the readers here to know that self-injury is a big problem. HeartSupport (that's how the foundation spells it (without a space)) has a quote that say 1 in 5 people self-injure in some way or have in the past, whether it be burning, picking at scabs, cutting, bruising, whatever. I dealt with this and did deal with it for four years. I made a commitment at CIY (Christ in Youth) to stop. I am on the road to recovery and I know that with Gods' strength I will be able to stop and then help others by being able to relate to them on a personal level. If you have any questions or if you deal with self injury and you want someone to talk to then I am open. Also, this is the number for the Teen Hope line, if you want to talk to someone anonymously 1-800-394-4673. They are open Monday-Saturday and are willing to talk.
"Stop the bleeding. Rescue is possible. Love is the movement." –
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