Twilight: Truth or Dare: Episode 10
RATING: R for Read with caution: this may in fact cause the loss of brain cells and 15% IQ decrease.
WARNING: I do not own Twilight… obviously
EMILY: Haha, today marks the 10th episode, and so far we've gotten a whopping 50 reviews! We're on a role here, and believe it or not I actually love every single one of you, viewer and innocent truth or dare victim, and not just because seeing you write how amazing I am makes my egotistic self happy. Although that is a contributing factor. With that being said, you all know what happens next!
ALL: No.
EMILY: You guessed it! Now I'll take the time to advertise for my other Harry Potter fan fictions, because they've been up for some time longer and only got one review, which kind of makes me sad, because I wasted good hours of my life on them when I could've been doing something productive like homework instead. They're a bit long, and probably not as out-there as these ones, but I'm kind of proud of them, so that's got to count for something, right? Okay, so enough about me, I'll get back to the Truth or Dare now (be thankful I don't include fan fiction-style product placements more often). I didn't feel like writing for the majority of the day because I was being lazy and while getting reviews faster than I can write parodies is fun and all and beats waiting around, it takes longer for me to stay up-to-date, and then had to go to musical theater camp because I'm in Footloose next Friday, and I started to fall behind on reviews. So without further adieu, this first review's from Tell it to my heart:
hahahahahahaha yes it was supposed to intimidate you Rosalie jk u are 1 of my favorite characters cuz i kno nd felt what u went through any way enough with the sad stuff Emmett you cannot meet my brother he is really mad at you and is hunting you down now. dare: Alec you must and i mean MUST ask a random guy at walmart if he wants to go on a date with you then kiss him out of no where lol Truth: Alice im sorry for askin that question here is another one is the longest time you spent at the mall? Amazing story Emily. YOU ROCK!
ROSALIE: Why do I doubt that?
EMMETT: Aw… *blink* Wait, what?
EMILY: Oh, Alec! While you're there can you pick of some things for me? I've written up a shopping list. Here. *hands him a slip of paper and a credit card*
ALEC: *takes items reluctantly* Don't be surprised if I come back with an unbelievably large bill for you.
EMILY: That's quite all right. It's hooked up to Carlisle's bank account.
CARLISLE: Hey!
ALICE: Well, there was this one time when I went on a shopping trip in the morning and managed to stay until they closed. The mall was closing so all the clothes were on sale, and I had to come back the next day.
After Alec leaves…
EMILY: Clearly patience is a virtue I don't possess, so we'll just go on to the next one and check up on him when he gets back. This is from Twilight Fan 011:
omg i love ur story it is so funny... ok for jacob cause i dnt like dat much i dare him to have a full make-out session with alec and for bella i'm so sorry but is it true dat u like mike newton i'm so sorry agian i really adore u and edward
JACOB: I simply can't understand why so many people hate me. What did I ever do?
EDWARD: I can ask the same thing.
EMILY: Eww, not my innocent gofer! Aw well, guess we'll just have to wait until he gets back. I say you glomp him on the way in, just to mess with him.
BELLA: I do not like Mike! You say that like there was any doubt that Edward and I were together.
EMILY: Right, then. Here's Wolfpack princess's:
hi first off let me just say i totally LOVE Seth he's the hottest, nicest, and coolest wolf. So cause i love you so much i dare you to become Emily's assistant and help her torture the rest of the ! And as for truth i want Bella the Brat and User to tell Jacob the real reason why she got into motorcycles and asked him to fix them.
EMILY: You know, I actually invited my friend Nicole, who posted to help get me started in our second episode, to be my DA. She's supposed to be starting tomorrow, as soon as my purchase for another taser is confirmed. He shall be called TOD II.
ARO: DA? What's that supposed to mean, Dark Arts, like from Harry Potter?
JANE: You would know that.
EMILY: Actually it stands for Director's Assistant.
CARLISLE: Don't you mean Assistant Director?
EMILY: Nope! Every once in a while I'll hire my personal friends to be my Director's Assistant, Director's Assistant's Assistant, Director's Assistant's Assistant's Assistant, and so on and so forth.
SAM: That doesn't even make any sense.
EMILY: Sure it does. Plus, that way when working on my Harry Potter scripts, I got to have a whole lot of fun mixing up acronyms for Director's Assistant (DA), Dumbledore's Army (DA), and Defense Against the Dark Arts, (DADA). But never mind that, the point is, if I were to bring Nicole on as my DA then I'd have to promote Seth to DA with the dare, then demote him to DAA…
SETH: *so confused* Huh?
EMILY: You know what, why don't I just make you my Padawan?
SETH: *still confused*
EMILY: You know, like an apprentice. I'll train you to be an evil director in my image.
SETH: Whoohoo!
SAM: Traitor!
JACOB: *raises his hand* Question.
EMILY: Yes?
JACOB: Is Nicole as insane as you?
EMILY: For the most part no, but she has her moments. I think I'm a bad influence on her. Which is why I plan on getting the both of us high off of the sugar in the Malmart candy Alec brings back next time!
ALL: *exchange worried looks*
EMILY: Now that we've cleared that up Bella may continue.
BELLA: About that. Look, Jake… it sounds kind of stupid now, but after Edward abandoned-
EDWARD: *coughcough* Left. *cough*
BELLA: -me, after a while I started noticing that whenever I did anything dangerous, I could almost picture him, and hear him in my head. So when I got into the whole motorcycles thing…
JACOB: Great! You mean the whole time you were with me, you were thinking about him?
BELLA: Well, not exactly! I enjoyed spending time with you.
JACOB: …I can't believe you.
EMILY: *dreamily* Ah, don't these truths just bring out the love in people?
ESME: What part of that seemed loving to you?
EMILY: Next! NotSorry's review says:
Hey! I love your story! It's hilarious. Edward- pink makes you look more gay than you already are. Alec- I love you, so I'm daring you to NOT be gofer anymore. That jobs goes to Edward, who I dare to wear a bright neon green spandex bodysuit for the rest of the fanfic. It'll go lovely with ur hair. For truth... Jacob, what's the dirtiest fantasy you've had abotu BellA? And make sure Edward is around to hear it, too. If he tries to escape, tase him. Repeatedly...
So yah. I LOVE YOU ALEC! EDWARD's A POOFTER! BELLA'S A CLUMBSY, STUPID COW! ALICE! You rock! You can use me as a barbie doll anytime, i wish I had your fashion sense! Kisses to Alec! I love you baby! You rock!
Oh yeah. And I love ur fic, emily. Your insane, just like me!
EDWARD: Gee, that really made my day. It's hard enough trying not to think about it, because really this whole 'pink' thing everyone's associating me with is really making me feel self-conscious.
EMILY: Wow, I'm going through gofers like Chuck Norris in mating season… And no offense to you, Edward, but having a gofer with neon pink hair and green spandex outfit is really going to hurt my reputation.
EDWARD: As mine.
EMILY: So let's hope that we find you a replacement soon. And that your natural hair color comes through soon, because that god-awful pink hurts my eyes and kind of makes you look like a cosplayer.
ARO: Or Sakura.
MARCUS: Who?
ARO: You know, from Naruto.
CAIUS: Who watches Naruto? That show's gay.
ARO: You're gay!
REST OF THE VOLTURI: …
EMILY: …Anywho, you can try this here neon green spandex bodysuit that I happen to have folded up in my Bag of Doom on for size.
JASPER: *genuinely surprised* You keep a neon green spandex bodysuit in your bag?
EMILY: I know, right? What a crazy random happenstance!
JACOB: Um… I'm not sure. I mean, I've certainly pictured myself doing it with Bella while riding off into the sunset one a white unicorn, but, uh…
LEAH: The unicorn just killed all the dirtiness of that fantasy.
JACOB: You know what, unicorns are cool! Everyone loves unicorns.
BELLA: I can't believe you just put that image in my head. That's just sick.
JACOB: Well, it's true.
EMILY: Aw, Edward, you were supposed to try and run away!
EDWARD: Why would I bother to do that? I've been through some pretty terrible and traumatizing things in here, so by this point I don't think anything can really surprise me.
EMILY: But I wanted an excuse to tase you… *dejected look*
SETH: Shall I do the honors, boss?
EMILY: *perks up* Be my guest, my lovely assistant!
The director hands Seth the taser, who begins his 'weapons training' excitedly, just as Alec walks back in.
ALEC: What did I miss?
EMILY: Nothing much. I'm firing you because Edward is supposed to be my new gofer, I've taken Seth in as my Padawan, and Edward's about to make out with you.
ALEC: Wh-
EDWARD: *Operation: Attack Make-out Session*
EMILY: That jerk; he just did the dare to stop Seth from tasing him. I say get him again for that sly trick!
SETH: *tases Edward again, knocking him over*
EMILY: *satisfied* You've done well, my young Padawan. Now I shall pull out my Magic Mirror of Doom once again and see if Alec did his dare.
Not-so-instant replay
ALEC: Excuse me, do you work here?
RANDOM MALMART EMPLOYEE: Yes, may I help you?
ALEC: Yes. Would you like to go out sometime?
EMPLOYEE: But… I'm a guy? And I don't even know you, sinister yet ridiculously good-looking customer.
ALEC: *kisses him* It was a dare. *leaves*
End replay
SAM: Dude. You said it was a dare. That completely defeats the purpose of a dare!
EMILY: I'm literally this close to tasing you for that. But seeing as Seth used up the last of its battery on Edward, I'll have to wait until it's charged up. So do me a favor and stick your finger in the wall socket or something.
ALEC: It won't work on me.
EMILY: Why not?
ALEC: Vampire.
EMILY: Curses, I've been foiled again. Alas! I see you've come back with the candy I wanted, so I'll be letting you off the hook just this once. Just don't try that again. *takes candy and stashes it under her chair for the next episode* By the way, don't any of you try anything with me and Nicole's candy, in the case that we don't feel like sharing later. I've found my bazooka – turns out it was next to my chair the entire time – and I can't wait to use it again. That being said, congratulations to everyone for surviving through 10 whole episodes and I can't to work with you more in the future!