Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Songs: Hello/Goodbye by Erin McCarley

I Hate You, Kiss Me

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." - Krishnamurti

Chapter Ten

My room was dark and gray and silent. I tried drifting into unconsciousness, putting everything out of my mind and the stupid thing I had done. I tossed and turned in between dreams, slipping in and out of sleep. My phone beeped, the muted sound stirring my hazy state of avoidance. At first, I looked at the screen through heavy eyes, noticing that I had messages. I slid the phone across the room into a pile of laundry and went back to sleep.

Hugging my pillow tightly, I wrapped my blankets around me, forming a cave where I could peacefully wallow. Hours went by as I intermittently slept, having no sense of what time it was. But I didn't care—my curtains stayed shut. Anything I could do to escape from reliving last night could be endurable. Somewhat.

James? Who's James? Just some guy I could barely recall. He's not him.

I didn't want to think about his smirks and lopsided smiles. The way his slender hands ran through his unruly hair. His soft chuckles and simmering green eyes, knocking down every little brick that protected my heart. When I'd wanted him to be nice, he played the bad guy that drove me to frustration. Now he played the good guy when I wanted him to be bad, to take advantage of me when I needed mindless sex and his comfort.

So I slept, inviting the comfort of darkness, allowing it to plant seeds of bitterness.

Before long, I was swimming deep under water, my hair floating around me and passing in front of my eyes. I thought it was strange that I could breathe without oxygen, but I didn't wonder beyond that. I kept picking up shells and corals, turning them over to see what was inside. I was searching, but not finding and not knowing what I was looking for. It seemed to go on for hours. I kicked my feet, skimming through the water, turning over every last coral on the sea floor.

Then a whisper floated to my ears, muffled and quiet.

I strained to hear it and curiously floated towards the darkness ahead of me. It was whispered and enchanting, calling to me. I approached closer, enveloped in the dark water as it cast blue shadows on my pale skin.

Here. The ghostly voice called close by, the sound was spoken in my mind.

I whirled around against the water's current and froze to see two glowing green eyes from the blackness.

Who are you? my mind asked.

He shook his head in the shadows, only his eyes moved from side to side with the action.

I tried another question, asking telepathically again. What do you want?

What do you want? he mimicked in a hauntingly beautiful voice.

Confusion spread over. What are you talking about?

A small orange fish swam around, circling his hidden form. His eyes beckoned me closer and the water's current dragged me forward.

Wholoobore.

That's exactly what it sounded like. A muffled word. What?

He spoke louder and more forceful, but the words only sounded like more choked and stifled echoes.

I can't understand. The voice in my mind pleaded with him.

His glowing, green eyes narrowed. All of a sudden the core of my chest began to freeze, the cold prickle spreading out from the center.

Stop that! I clawed frantically at my chest.

Stop that, he mimicked in a scolding tone like I was inflicting this upon myself. He retreated into the darkness, every inch of space that grew between us made my chest colder.

'Wait!' I shouted, but it was gurgled as a stream of bubbles flew from my lips. I kicked at the water, wading through it with my arms. After the green eyes dimmed, I tried keeping the little orange fish in sight, but my limbs were heavy and my chest started to completely freeze over. I didn't need to breathe underwater, but the coldness dragged me down, chasing the life right out of me.

I sunk to the ocean floor cradling my chest, my hair falling and floating in front of my face. I pushed it away with a jerk of my head and saw an old decrepit form sitting nearby on the ground. She lifted her head slowly against the water's weight and looked up at me with my brown eyes.

I gasped.

I looked down at my hands; they were also wrinkled and withering. She's me! That's me! My reflection! My—! A scream churned up my throat and a shower of bubbles burst from my lips.

Consciousness slapped me in the face. My frightened eyes snapped open and I sat up, my torso flinging upright in my bed. I must have looked like an asylum escapee with my sweaty hair and wild eyes.

I had a visitor sitting at the end of my bed, watching me.

"What are you doing here?" I croaked, catching my breath.

"If you had answered your phone, you would know."

I sorely wished it had been Emmett instead.

"I left you eight messages, twenty missed calls, and sixteen text messages," she started out in a steely calm voice that had risen with each word.

"Only Emmett has my spare key, how did you get in here?" I accused.

Her anger cut out for a moment as she replied to my tangent. "Well I started hollering at the side of the building for a neighbor to come out and lower the fire escape. Then an old man opened his window and threw an apple core at me! Can you believe it?!" she asked me, completely affronted by the gesture.

I just stared at her with bulging eyes and my jaw hanging slightly.

Alice looked like she was about to roll up her sleeves. "Well I showed him! I threw the apple core back at his window and ran away. I decided to play the waiting game instead and sat outside on the doorstep till a neighbor let me in on his way out. Easy. And highly unsafe, you should really get that checked out." She folded her arms across her chest with a huff. "Stupid old man, that ought to show him. I hope his next apple breaks his dentures."

I laid back down, letting my head hit the pillows with a small groan, though it came out more like a whine. Was I so distressed last night that I didn't even lock my apartment door, too? Or maybe she had her own lock picking set—that seemed more likely.

Alice moved to sit on the bed next to my rag doll form. "Bella, you scared the crap out of all of us!" she finally exploded.

I winced a little. I'd never seen her so upset before.

"Jasper told me what happened and when I come outside you'd suddenly disappeared and Edward wouldn't say what happened except that you ran away.

In the dark. By yourself. In the city.

After what happened, I'm surprised James didn't tail you home! And then we didn't hear from you all night."

The weight of her words hit me hard. I sat up a little, rubbing my sweaty forehead and mouth with the back of my hand, making sure I hadn't foamed at the mouth during my bizarre dream. "I don't know what to say, but I know sorry isn't going to cut it. I'm a terrible person, aren't I?" I mumbled with my head hanging in shame.

Alice stood up and left the room. My head snapped up in surprise. Would Alice not forgive me? As the seconds ticked by my level of uneasiness grew. I shifted uncomfortably in my bed. It had become so dead silent that I heard the tick of my digital clock on the night stand.

Suddenly she came back in and set a glass of water down on my night table. I let out a heavy sigh of relief and gulped it down gratefully. She then jumped in the bed, all was forgiven, and squished herself in next to me.

"I should call Emmett and tell him I'm alright," I said, still feeling terrible.

"No need. Once I saw you I texted everyone."

"Everyone?" I asked, thinking of Edward.

"Everyone," she confirmed.

"How long have you been here for?" I asked grouchily.

"Only a few minutes before you woke up."

"Hmph."

"So what happened last night?" she asked in a gentler tone, getting right down to business.

"I messed up everything. I completely overlooked James's character and failed to pick up on his strange quirks. We had laughs and a few good times hanging out, but I should have sensed his demons bubbling beneath the surface. Perhaps part of me suspected," I admitted, remembering his dark stares, "I just didn't want to believe it. No one ever thinks something bad will happen to them until it actually does."

"You remember me asking you not to leave without saying goodbye?" I nodded, understanding. "Yeah well, I thought we could all leave together as a precaution. He was jumpy ya know. When you and Jazz were talking closely, he kept looking at you like you were his property. I didn't like it even though he was friendly. His words didn't match his body language," Alice concluded.

"I should send every guy to you before even considering a first date." I sighed tiredly, but managed a weak smile.

She giggled. "There is one person I approve of. But you already knew that."

My face scrunched up, knowing she was referring to Edward.

"So what happened with him? He looked upset after you ran off but wouldn't say why exactly. He's the first person I couldn't force a confession out of. This has never happened to me before." She crossed her arms, disgruntled by this new revelation.

My smile faded as I realized she could force one out of me and I didn't want to relive last night. I focused on my fidgeting hands in my lap.

"When Jasper and Emmett left, Edward stayed behind with me. He was so unbelievably nice and caring." I fingered the spot on my knuckle where he had placed his lips. "I thought I was reading the signals correctly and I kissed him."

Alice gasped with a smile and covered her mouth with her hands, almost squealing.

"Yes, it was like heaven," I admitted. "I don't know how far that kiss would have gone but after awhile he stopped it." I looked up into Alice's eyes. "He told me he didn't want to be used as just any guy because I was upset."

Her eyes widened like twin cobra snakes. "He said what?!"

"He was right," I said, swatting my hand in the air and looking down glumly. "From his perspective that's exactly what it looked like and he was right to say it."

Alice's mouth snapped shut.

"Later on, I began to understand his words. He didn't want to be just a fling." I turned back to her face. "But… something more." Did I look as terrified as I felt?

"I thought that's what you wanted." She looked at me evenly.

"I... I don't know." I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks and I had to release the building pressure in my chest or I would cease to breathe.

Before I knew it, words continued spilling out of my mouth. "All we do is argue about stupid things, but when we get along its how it should be and then somewhere along the way our bickering changed, stirring these feelings in me and it's even better than getting along. How fucked up is that? What used to be unpleasant is now appealing somehow. I think about him all the time, even when I'm fuming about something annoying he did, and my schedule at work revolves around him. And it's sick because I can't get enough of it all."

"Bella, that's great! You need to tell him!" Alice exclaimed, sitting upright.

I blinked back my tears. "What? No! You heard what he said last night. It's Edward-freakin-Cullen. Gorgeous, irritating Edward Cullen. All or nothing Edward Cullen." I sighed shakily and wiped my tears away.

Alice politely offered the box of tissues from my night table and I mopped my face. I hugged myself and sunk back into my pillows. "He's not going to say 'Gee Bella I think you're swell. How bout we exchange digits and I'll take you on a date.' It's too late for that."

"Why?" she asked with a frown.

"Why would a guy turn down a vulnerable, pretty woman that clearly wanted him? I think he wants something real and lasting. I can't give him that."

"Of course you can," Alice said firmly, but soothingly.

"I can't. My own parents were never a shining example and every guy I've met was no good. How am I supposed to just put all of my trust into a man that's been confusing me for months? And now...I'm scared shitless, even if I am inspired to try."

We sat in silence for a bit while I regulated my breathing and continued to mop my face, which was currently swollen red. Alice patiently rubbed my back in comfort. The pressure in my chest dissipated when my words escaped, leaving a dull ache in its place.

Alice finally got up and thrust my curtains open, the sunlight blinded me with its merciless rays. When my sniffles subsided she asked quietly, "Can I tell you something?"

I shrugged, knowing she was going to anyway.

She joined me back on the bed. "Last night we searched for you on the streets nearby, after you disappeared. After an hour we gave up but Edward wouldn't stop looking for you. We had to convince him for a long time and I think he only gave in just to shut us all up." Alice sighed at my owl-eyed stare, dismissing the subject for now. She grabbed her purse from the floor and took out a bag of chocolates. "Just what the doctor ordered," she said cheerfully and tore it open.

I laughed and thought of Edward's delicate dish of chocolates, bringing on a wave of more hiccupping tears. "How did you know?" I asked, unwrapping a piece.

"Well I'm no psychic, but I had a funny feeling."

~/~/~/~

I trudged to work Monday morning feeling terrible still. I cast furtive glances here and there with my raccoon eyes (not having a good night sleep can do that) trying to steer clear of that one person.

When I had dug through my laundry for my phone on Sunday, I diligently went through all my messages. Most were from Alice, two from Emmett, and one from Edward. I listened to his voicemail with my heart slamming against my ribs.

"Bella, its Edward. Alice gave me your number. Look, we need to talk and... and I hope you're okay. Call me when you get this."

But I didn't. Instead, I saved the message just so I could hear his voice whenever I wanted to. Pathetic!

The office environment was the usual of phone calls and papers faxed, filed, printed, and signed. People talking and barking orders. Deadlines and deadlines. I skirted through it all and plunked myself down in my desk chair with a sigh, though I felt anything but relief. I wondered how I was going to make it through the entire day.

I looked down at my desk to see lots of chocolates arranged into a giant happy face.

"Good morning!" Alice exclaimed, making me jump. "You like my creation?" she asked, referring to the chocolate.

"I've told you that you're wonderful, right?"

"And! I brought you this plant to brighten up your desk," she announced and handed me a little banzai tree.

I laughed a little. "Something low maintenance. Thanks," and lightly petted the leaves.

"So, can we go shopping this week?"

"Ugh, I knew there was something! Alice...." I grumbled.

"Please Bella, I'm on the hunt for the prefect dress for the office Christmas party."

"Alice, that's not for another two and half weeks."

"You know how picky I am. I'll probably have to get the dress altered, too because of my height. Plus, I know it'll get your mind off things," she added.

"With such compelling arguments I don't see how I can resist."

"That's your problem Bella, you resist too much," she said with a giggle and playfully nudged my slumped shoulder.

"One of them," I mumbled.

I was on edge all day, anxiety attacks are never good for the heart. I kept looking up every time someone passed in the doorway with a twisted stomach, praying that Edward would stay away.

Eventually I got up, stretching my stiff limbs. I needed to ask Rosalie about a case and this was as good a time as any. As in, there probably would never be a good time anymore but I couldn't hide in my office and get all my work done, it was impossible. I walked over to her office with my memo pad. Her door was ajar.

Edward was in there talking with her and Mr. Lawrence when I gently pushed the door open. I could feel a fresh wave of anxiety and immediately turned around to leave.

"Isabella," Rosalie called.

I closed my eyes briefly and turned around in the doorway. "I just had a question, but it can wait," I said quickly, avoiding Edward's gaze.

"Actually, we've hit a snag in the Madison case."

"It's a real pain, too," Mr. Lawrence added gruffly.

Rosalie handed me a slip of paper with a phone number scratched on it along with the case folder. "I was just going to buzz you. We're having trouble getting a previous case file opened, it's got a red seal."

I looked up surprised. Red sealed files were usually completely off limits.

"We need the mother to give us authorization to access it. The father won't budge. It's got documents in there of utmost confidentiality concerning a similar past incident with their son. But without it we don't have a good foundation for our current case against him," she explained.

I nodded already intrigued and determined. Mr. Lawrence gave me a hopeful smile. I returned it and let my gaze slip to Edward's for a second. He was staring at me anxiously. I had to get out of there.

"I'll do my best," I said to Mr. Lawrence and left the room. My heart was pounding, matching each of my quick footsteps across the floor.

As the lunch hour approached I was relieved to learn that Edward was out at some business lunch with Mr. and Mr. Lawrence and a client. The afternoon was just as unbearable.

Falling asleep was becoming a bad habit. It was how my mind tried escaping reality today. I pinched myself several times and even stuck my head out the window with eyes glued open. I did whatever I could do to stay at my desk because I knew Edward wouldn't approach me as we were now. My desk was my territory and he would want to talk in a communal space, on equal ground. That was the respectful thing to do, though he would probably corner me like giant winged bat on our equal ground anyway.

My efforts of staying awake were in vain. I shut the window with irritation. I strummed my fingers on my desk, debating. I was never a patient sort of person. I picked up my empty coffee mug and willed myself to stand up. I stretched and yawned and... almost fell asleep on my feet. Like a backstage conspirator at a play, I edged my way to the door and peered around the wall.

My gaze combed the area for that bronze head of hair. Everything seemed normal enough. I held my breath and half-jogged half-tiptoed to the kitchenette. I exhaled with small relief, but there was no time to relax. I grabbed the coffee pot, splashed the dark liquid in my mug, and skidded across the counter to messily douse it in cream and sugars.

"I thought I'd find you here," a voice loomed up behind me.

I whirled around, clenching the countertop with my lower back pressed against it. My chest rose and fell rapidly like a skittish rodent pursued by that winged bat I had imagined him to be moments ago.

"I didn't mean to scare you. Are you alright?" he asked, but it sounded like he was really asking, why are you afraid of me? Even so, whether he was referring to my heart rate or Friday night, I wasn't sure.

I straightened with as much dignity as I could manage and turned my back on him, pretending to salvage my coffee. Of all things, I didn't want to break down and cry in front of Edward. But I was also angry. We had a safe if not strange relationship and then he went and ruined it all.

"Why do you care?" I asked in a tight voice.

He placed a hand on the edge of the counter, but was wary of invading my personal space. "You look like you hate me."

"I do hate you," I blurted, knowing full well that I didn't mean it and looked up to his face. Big mistake.

"You're lying." His eyes didn't even have to search mine, he just knew. His hand on the counter balled into a fist at his side and he looked angry now, too. His green eyes probed at me from under his brows as his jaw flexed. He was about to say something more when a loud voice suddenly floated through the doorway.

"And Marge! If Mike calls just send him through! I'll change my appointment for tomorrow." Jessica was all brightness and bubbly as she sashayed into the room with her own empty mug.

Unaware of the tension in the room, she greeted me with a nod. Then she glanced at Edward with a smile. "Hi, Edward." Her smile dripped with honey as his name rolled off her tongue.

I could survive on black coffee. I picked up my mug and walked out of the room.

A couple hours later my stomach felt deteriorated. I didn't know how Edward could drink this stuff without the cream and sugar. The bitterness lingered in my mouth and the acid was seriously giving me heartburn. But at least I was awake.

I thought the end of the day would never come. As I was packing up my things, Alice came to my desk already dressed in her coat and bag.

"Don't forget about our shopping trip this week," she reminded.

I nodded and continued gathering my stuff together. She gave me a comforting squeeze on my arm before departing.

I hurriedly took the stairs down to the parking garage. It was only six floors, round and round each flight swirled my thoughts into a blender. I was racing to the finish line which took the form of the last heavy door. I yanked it open expecting release. Freedom!

I stopped short a few feet away from my black Mercedes when I was confronted with Edward's form lazily leaning against the door of the driver's side.

Just his presence made me uneasy. Within one moment, one confrontation, Edward Cullen turned me into a weak person. Bella Swan cowers in the face of commitment.

He uncrossed one of arms and looked at his wristwatch. "Not bad Ms. Swan. Two minutes and thirty-six seconds since dismissal."

I glared at him, my mouth tightening into a frown. So he was going to play it up like that was he? Trying to get under my skin and provoke me with his sarcasm.

"What are you running from?" he inquired with a raised brow.

"Running to," I corrected. "I'm running to my car."

"You're running to your car," he repeated flatly.

I raised my chin a notch as we glared at each other.

His arms were cross over his chest and he looked anxious and determined at me. "You never called me back."

I didn't answer, my eyes darting to the car as thoughts of escape entertained my mind.

He noticed my averting glance and straightened, walking toward me slowly like a lion stalking his prey. My stubbornness wavered. I gulped loudly and I was sure he could hear my heart hammering wildly like a hummingbird trapped.

"We need to talk about Friday night," he said evenly, stopping right in front of me, our chests almost touching.

"There's nothing to talk about," I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. As I started to walk past him, he grabbed me by the shoulders to prevent me.

"You have no idea what this weekend has been like, worrying about you." His voice was heated now and I was forced to meet his gaze. I saw beneath his anger that he looked tired, too, but his blazing eyes kept trying to find a path into my very soul. To find that opening in the brick wall he had created.

"Alice told you where I was," I answered curtly.

"But I didn't hear from you. I've been thinking about that night, going over and over it in my head. If I had just been honest with you instead of letting my pride get in the way," he said with a new urgency, his words flowing out low and rough, "everything could have turned out differently."

"I'm sorry for kissing you, okay? Is that what you want? I'm sorry for throwing myself at you? For using you?" I rushed out, getting hypnotized by his stare.

I felt increased pressure on my shoulders as his hands tightened perceptively. "No, that's not what I want. I mean yes, it's what I want." He inhaled a frustrated breath. "You is what I want. Not your apologies anymore."

"Me," I repeated in disbelief.

'Yes. You. All of you." He was inches from me that I could see the hair follicles of his reddish, brown, blonde? stubble and the flecks of green in his eyes. They were a grass green in the center to emerald fanning out to the edges with a thin yellow ring around his pupil.

He continued to study my face. Whatever he saw made his eyes change, the feelings in them unraveled behind the conviction of his words. His face remained solemn and tight and then his eyes became guarded again. He knew I wasn't ready, that I would reject him.

My shoulders slumped in his grasp. "I can't," I whispered. "Please Edward, I need to go…" I pleaded in a cracked voice as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. This was exactly what I had feared, that one of us would get hurt somehow. I refused to meet his gaze anymore and concentrated on the door handle to my car.

One by one his fingers released me gently.

If I hadn't been desperate to leave, my bones would have turned into a puddle on the ground. I got into my car and started the engine with fumbling fingers, tears threatening to spill over. It seemed like I couldn't catch my breath fast enough, but I wiped my eyes in order to drive. Who was this man to be changing all of these feelings inside me? Confused and scared, I panicked, not knowing what to do yet.

When I pulled out of my parking space, Edward was gone.

~/~/~/~

"What do you think of this one?" Alice asked, holding up a sequined dress.

Startled out of my brooding thoughts of yesterday in the garage, I answered, "Nice."

"I knew you weren't paying attention. This is absolutely hideous," she remarked, shoving the dress back on the rack.

"Sorry. I was—"

"Wallowing in self pity," she interrupted. "Well I won't let you do that. Since you won't fix your personal life, you'll have to muster your strength and be useful for me. What do you think about this one?" she asked, grabbing another dress off the rack.

"It's ugly," I answered, observing the sea-foam-green fabric.

"Good. We're making progress."

I followed her around the department store as she filled her cart with dresses of all kinds.

"Geez Alice, how many are you planning to try on?"

"Half is for you," she replied casually.

"Alice... I don't want to try on any of this," I said, feeling cranky.

She sighed. "Bella, remember how we talked about you resisting too much?"

"And remember what happened the last time you dressed me?"

"That was a Halloween costume, completely different than what I have in mind this time," she stated, completely undisturbed by my mood.

"If you're planning on dolling me up for Edward, you can think again."

"Well there won't be any masks this time. Can't use the same trick on you twice." She put a finger to her chin thoughtfully.

"That was one of your tricks?!" I sputtered, stopping short in my tracks.

"And a good one it was, too. I got Jasper to convince Edward in choosing a costume with a mask also," she cheerfully admitted. Then her expression darkened. "If only you two hadn't screwed it up, it was the perfect plan." She sighed wistfully and pushed her cart forward to another rack.

I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose to calm myself. I didn't think I could handle hearing the details of that plan—or any other. I hurried to catch up to her.

"You're trying to give me gray hairs, aren't you?" I accused, defeated by her unstoppable force.

"Gosh no, how unfashionable to be prematurely gray," she replied offhanded, eyeing another dress and glancing at my body type.

I put my hands on my hips. "Alice, be serious. You know my current predicament. The last thing I want to do is interest Edward any further."

Continuing to examine the dress, she countered, "Well if you won't do it for Edward than do it for you. It's about time you felt good about yourself again."

She had a point. "Fine. But that's the last dress." I snatched it out of her hands and plunked it in the cart.

"Fine." She pretended to be hurt, but the corner of her lips curled into a smile. She looked rather satisfied with herself.

We tried on dresses for over an hour. The good thing about shopping with a girlfriend is that you have a second pair of hands to zip you up. I conceded to picking out a handful that I liked, but Alice disapproved of all my choices.

"I thought this was about me feeling good about myself, so why can't I buy one that I want?" I asked irritably in a pretty white dress.

"Yes, but trust on me this. You can't wear white to an evening party, plus it makes you look all washed out. And this green one here," she referred to the dress draped over the door, "makes your pale complexion sallow." She barged into my changing room, pulling away more dresses from my sad collection.

Then she rummaged through the pile overflowing from the cart. I was afraid her tiny form would be swallowed alive in the mass of fabrics. It would be a fitting end.

"What are you smiling about?" She looked over her shoulder at me skeptically.

I rearranged my face into pure innocence. "Nothing."

"Here." She shoved a new dress into my hands, spun me around, and pushed me back in the dressing room.

I scowled as I slipped the dress on. I came out and Alice's ready hands zipped me up.

"We have a winner!" she exclaimed.

I went to the tri-paneled mirror to see for myself. It was black, simple, and the fabric was exquisite.

"You may be right about that," I agreed and turned to check out my form from other angles. "Um, you don't think it's a bit vivacious do you?" It certainly showed off a lot of my curves.

Alice laughed high pitched. "It's only showing off what God gave you. Plus Rose will be there outshining us all anyway."

"I suppose." I turned to face her. "Alright, can we go now?"

Mdots did an amazing thing and started a thread for this story on Twilighted where some discussion has already taken place. You can go support, analyze, vent, whateva on the thread. I'll also be posting teasers for next chapters there, too. Link is on my profile :)

Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing.