A/N: People probably want to kill me for leaving things like that last time. I'm really sorry about that but I wanted this chapter to just be all about Doccubus.
As always, thanks to my beta and thank you everyone for your reviews and continued support.
Chapter 10
Since the night of the ball, Bo hadn't been able to shake the certainty that Aidan was Lauren. But before she could confirm it then, the man had already vanished.
The abrupt disappearing act only made her more suspicious and she had gone to see Mayer as soon as she could, demanding information. The luck-eater hadn't been happy with her but in the end, pointed her to this exclusive Dark Fae bar to see a wolf who could get her nearer to her target.
Bo glanced at the note in her hand for the twelfth time tonight. Mayer had given her the information reluctantly and Bo had half expected it to be a fake address or a venue for a trap. But the bar was here, just hidden carefully, and so that only left the trap option to be considered.
She took a deep breath and slowly let it out, bracing herself for what was to come.
Bo entered the bar cautiously and was suddenly glad that she hadn't brought Kenzi along. This place screamed Fae in bold letters and a human would only be like a slab of meat in pit full of carnivores.
However, thinking about her house mate only brought feelings of guilt. Bo hadn't told Kenzi any of her concerns yet, and had in fact pretended to run an errand to escape her tonight.
She knew her best friend would always be supportive of her but they had always differed when it came to Lauren. Kenzi hated the way Lauren had left them all behind, knowing how much it hurt her, and she had always urged Bo to try and get over the doctor. When she and Dyson had finally gotten together five months later, Kenzi had been so excited for her. Bo had known that it wasn't just because of Dyson, whom Kenzi adored, but because she believed Bo would be able to move on from Lauren then.
If only it was that easy, Bo thought.
She headed to the bar, ignoring the curious looks thrown her way. The barkeeper was busy with another couple so Bo waited patiently, scanning the patrons to see if she recognized any of the fae hanging around.
She glanced over to the pool table and suddenly froze in disbelief when she saw her quarry, playing happily with another guy.
Aidan must've felt her staring because he looked up almost immediately and caught her eyes.
They stared at each other for a moment and then he gave her this sad smile and Bo knew, without a doubt, that he was Lauren.
It was confusing and slightly frightening, trying to reconcile the details in her mind, but even as she struggled with herself, she was already moving towards her. Towards Lauren who looked like a man.
Lewis. Aidan. It all made sense now, Bo thought, feeling a bubble of hysteria rising up inside her.
But she had reached Lauren then, who was standing alone.
"Hello, Bo," she said, in a deep, raspy, masculine voice.
"It's you," Bo managed to choke out.
"Let's talk in the back," Lauren said, and walked away without waiting for her answer.
Bo followed like a puppet being pulled and vaguely noticed that they were in some sort of office. Lauren went behind the desk and gestured for Bo to sit on the chair in front of it. She ignored the invitation, noticing that while Lauren had grabbed the chair beside her, she didn't make a move to sit either.
Bo tried clearing her throat but only managed one word. "Lauren." A soft, breathy exclamation that nevertheless sounded like a shotgun blast in the quiet of the room.
Lauren's mouth opened but no words came out.
Bo finally noticed that she was trembling hard and that Lauren was standing so stiffly that the knuckles of her fists turned white with the strength of her grip on the chair's backrest. She wanted to go over to the doctor and hug her tightly, bury her nose into that place behind her ear and inhale the scent she had missed so much; she wanted to kiss her senseless and take her now, right here on that desk. She wanted to slap her hard.
Bo blinked at that last thought and suddenly remembered the past year.
Lauren had left her behind with only a measly note to say goodbye.
And Lauren was now this person, this man.
Bo made herself look at Lauren properly for the first time. She - or was it he? - was dressed casually, but she could see the well-defined flesh underneath the clothes, different from Lauren's thin body. The hair was short and blonder than usual; it was also a bit shaggy, like he (she?) had run his fingers over it repeatedly.
And then there were the eyes. Where there should have been warm brown was replaced by cold blue instead. It was the eyes she sometimes saw in the mirror.
Maybe it was that thought or maybe it was just all the stress piling up, but Bo felt the tingle in her eyes, as it flared its own brand of blue fire.
Lauren looked concerned, taking a step closer with one arm reaching out to her. "Bo..."
"What the hell is this, Lauren?" Bo gritted out, finally able to swallow down the complex emotions that was strangling her. She pushed away the feelings of relief and joy, concentrating instead on the fear and hurt and anger that had been her constant companion whenever she thought of the doctor. She thought of everything that had happened and the questions she wanted to ask but she didn't know where to even begin."What..." Bo started, fumbling in confusion, "What are you?" she asked clumsily.
Lauren visibly flinched and bowed her head, trying to escape her condemning eyes.
"Bo..." Lauren said softly, looking up again, "I can explain."
"Explain?!" Bo burst out, her anger getting the best of her. "Okay, yeah sure. You can explain. You're good at that, right? Like you explained why you weren't seducing me for the Ash, and you explained Nadia? Yeah, go ahead. Explain yourself." Bo found herself pacing and breathing heavily, knowing that her alter ego was nearing the surface and struggling to contain her.
Lauren flinched at the accusations but didn't refute them.
"Bo..."
"Stop it!" Bo suddenly interrupted, whirling around to face her. Her eyes were a solid blue now and Lauren took an unconscious step back, away from the fierce visage she presented. "Stop saying my name like you're sad and regretted leaving -"
"I do regret it!" Lauren broke in, her own eyes flashing with emotion. She paused and then, "I do regret it," she repeated in a softer tone. "Not in the way you'd like, but I still regret it."
"Then why?" Bo begged, despair replacing the anger that was fuelling her. "Why did you do it?" Her eyes changed back to their normal brown and the honest pain in them caused Lauren to look away again in shame.
And then Lauren sighed, running a weary hand through her hair. Her shoulders slumped but her face was blank when she looked up to Bo.
"Because I was broken."
And for a second, Bo could see it; she saw her broken and empty as she had never seen Lauren before, not even that night when she had come for comfort after Nadia died. Even then Lauren had worn a brave face, spouting random facts about grief sex and heart attacks. And when she had broken down to ask if she could sleep in Bo's arms just to feel safe, Bo had seen exhaustion, anger and sadness - emotions, that this Lauren, with her dead-looking eyes, didn't have.
It was only a second, but Bo couldn't deny the fear that choked her and the overwhelming urge to run away from this woman who was suddenly a stranger to her.
xxx
Lauren saw that Bo hadn't expected that answer. She looked taken aback and it took her some time to process what Lauren had said.
"What? I... I don't... What do you mean? Did something happen?" Bo asked, her body becoming tense as if preparing to jump into action immediately.
Lauren sighed again, unable to help herself. She wondered, how do you explain to someone how it was like to be a slave? And not one that was forced against their will, but a voluntary one?
You couldn't, Lauren decided. It was impossible for someone without her experience to understand.
But Bo needed an explanation and Lauren wanted to give her one.
She started in the beginning.
"When we came back to the Dal after defeating the Garuda, Dyson came up to me and reminded me that without an Ash, I could be free if I ran away."
Bo looked stunned for a second before her eyes started to glow blue again, her cheeks flushing in anger. "He what?"
"It's true," Lauren said matter-of-factly, cutting off the impending outburst. "I knew that he had ulterior motives but it didn't change the facts." She paused, gathering her thoughts as she tried to remember that moment she had taken control of her life.
But Bo was impatient. "So, that's it then? Because what he said made sense, you just followed it? You didn't even talk to me, to anybody! You just up and left, without saying goodbye like we weren't worth the effort!"
"It wasn't like that!" Lauren protested. "It wasn't about you. I, I couldn't have left if I stopped to tell you a proper goodbye." She shook her head. "The note was pathetic, I know, but it was the best I could do at the time, Bo."
"Oh yeah, the note," Bo said sarcastically and began to recite, "Dear Bo, I'm sorry that I have to leave and you have to find out this way, but I can't stay here anymore. I hope you understand. Please don't find me and take care of yourself. Lauren."
Lauren was surprised. "You memorized it?" Her voice held a trace of awe.
"Of course I did!" Bo yelled, furious again. She pulled out a piece of paper tucked in her bra and threw it at Lauren, where it fluttered in the air between them. "I stared at it for weeks trying to figure out what you were thinking, why you left or maybe find a hidden message. Anything to explain your absence."
Lauren picked up the paper from the ground. She recognized her note immediately.
"You kept it," she said, looking at Bo in wonder.
Bo deflated at the look on Lauren's face. "It was the only thing I had that belonged to you," she said wearily. "Would you believe that I had nothing else to remember you by? Only two blurry photos of you in the background from Kenzi's phone; no stray clothing that you left behind in my house unless you count the apron you used; no tokens or mementos." She sighed, looking at the paper in Lauren's hand. "That note was the only thing you gave me that I could touch and keep with me."
"Bo..." Lauren really didn't know what to say. She already felt bad about having this talk, dreading the succubus' temper but seeing her like this, sad and tired, pinched her heart.
"Just," Bo gently took the paper from her and carefully folded it, putting it on her pocket. "Just continue with what you were saying earlier."
"I..." Lauren felt the urge to say something but took a deep breath instead, respecting Bo's privacy. "I had to leave," she began again, "The thought of spending my life under another Ash's rule was just too much. I went back to my room and I was reminded of everything that was wrong in my life... Everything that was fae."
Bo sucked in a startled breath at that but didn't comment.
"Do you see?" Lauren asked. "The Ash wanted me and manipulated everything so I would be indentured to him. My life, my girlfriend's life... Nadia's suffering, her death, it was all because of me, Bo. I caused that."
"Lauren," Bo said, sounding concerned, "That wasn't your fault."
"It was! I brought her to the Congo! If I had gone alone, she could still be alive, or the Ash might've reconsidered using me..."
"Lauren..."
"I couldn't stay one more moment in that prison," Lauren said, closing her eyes at the memory of the floor stained with Nadia's blood.
"You could have come to me," Bo argued, "I would have kept you safe! I would have found a way to keep you from the Ash's grasp!"
Lauren shook her head. "No, Bo. I'm not your problem. I didn't want to be a burden -"
"You're not!" Bo interrupted. "Lauren, you were never a burden." She took a step closer, her face pained yet earnest, but Lauren flinched away from her.
Lauren stayed away even though the growing hurt on Bo's face made her want to take back the space she regained and offer her own comfort.
"I, it's not just," Lauren fumbled before taking a deep breath, "I knew you would try to protect me, Bo but I... I couldn't accept help. Not your help."
Bo frowned, the lines in her face deepening with the growing pain that Lauren knew she was inflicting. Bo remained silent but her Lauren could see the question on her eyes.
"I couldn't go to you because you're fae and because I l-love you," Lauren said, pretending she didn't stumble on that word that couldn't possibly describe all her feelings for Bo. "I loved you," Lauren continued, her voice wavering. "even though I already had Nadia. I betrayed her, us..." Lauren took a shuddering breath. "And then I learned about the Ash's scheme to curse her and I realized the depth of my sins. I tried to make it up to her, I did," Lauren wiped her cheeks, slightly irritated by the tears she didn't want shed. "But then the Garuda happened, and you had to kill her."
Bo took a step back as if hit by a physical blow.
"We begged you to do it, I know. She was in so much pain and I couldn't stand to make her suffer after everything that's happened. But even then, Nadia had to threaten me to provoke you. Because you cared for me too."
Bo looked lost and confused, and in that moment, Lauren hated herself because she wasn't done hurting the woman she loved.
"I know that you didn't want to do it, that Nadia... that we pushed you to it, but I couldn't help but resent you a little."
Bo took a gulping breath that sounded like a sob. She was holding herself stiffly but her posture looked like someone who was ready to run away.
Lauren swallowed painfully. "For a while, I blamed you because I thought that if you didn't care for me then you wouldn't have tried to protect me from her. And she would've killed me and I would've deserved it!"
Bo gave a start at that, her eyes refocusing on Lauren's.
"I felt so guilty, Bo, because everything that happened to Nadia was my fault. Her curse, her vulnerability that allowed for possession... I put her in that position. And that, feeling like that was bad enough without the added guilt of my feelings for you." Lauren felt her face crumple at the remembered anguish, her tears pouring freely. "It felt like I was being punished, and I couldn't... I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I ran away." She paused to wipe her tears. "I didn't say goodbye because I just knew that if I saw you, Bo, I'd want to stay for you. And I couldn't do that, I couldn't sacrifice myself for love again. It would have destroyed me."
They fell silent for a while, trying to absorb and recover from Lauren's words.
And then Bo spoke up, her voice soft and tentative. "Where did you go?"
Lauren felt herself breath a big sigh of relief. She didn't realize that she had held herself tensely in the silence, braced against more of Bo's anger. But her simple question seemed more like a silent acceptance; at the least, it signified a want to hear the whole story before doing anything.
She realized that Bo was still waiting for an answer and couldn't suppress a wry smirk when she reviewed the question in her mind again.
"I never made it out of the city, actually," Lauren admitted. "I was all set to leave but I... I couldn't. It felt too final, if I left Toronto..." if I left you, she wanted to add but stopped herself. Still, it seemed like Bo got the message anyway because her eyes had softened a little. "So anyway, I stayed and got a job instead," Lauren continued. "That's where this disguise came in." She gestured to herself.
Bo perked up at that, her eyes curious, replacing the wounded hurt before.
"I knew that I couldn't just leave and someone would eventually come to bring me back," Lauren said, "When I planned my escape, I figured that people would be on the lookout for me: a blonde woman. They wouldn't be expecting, well, this." She paused a little to see if Bo had questions but the succubus seemed content to just listen for now. "It was supposed to be temporary but when I decided to stay, I needed a way to hide under the radar. So I kept the disguise."
"Oh." Bo looked a bit overwhelmed so Lauren decided to just continue with her story.
"I created a fake identity for myself, got a job at a hospital and just, became a general Joe Normal." Lauren's voice turned a bit wistful as she remembered those early months. "It was nice, to be normal. I got an apartment of my own, my job was ordinary... I even had friends and we hung out all the time. It was, really good."
"What happened?" Bo asked softly, breaking Lauren's reverie.
Lauren gave a wry smile. "You can say that the fae caught up to me."
"What happened?" Bo repeated with urgency, her face lined with worry.
"One of my patients one day was a fae. And if I hadn't been there to help him, he would have died under a normal human doctor's care." Lauren stopped to look Bo in the eye. She wanted her to know that this was a significant moment. "Bo, back then I believed that the fae destroyed my life, and all I could feel was hurt and guilt. But with that encounter, I realized that I didn't entirely hate the time I spent with the fae and that I loved parts of it." She gave Bo a small embarrassed smile. "I think by then, I had calmed down from my initial panic and I could accept that a part of me missed being with the fae." Lauren hesitated at her next words but finally just blurted it out.
"And then Vex found me."
Bo suddenly tensed up and her eyes became angry again. "I think I know how this ends."
"He brought me to the Morrigan and she offered the body servant bond with me," Lauren quickly summarized, preparing for another round with Bo.
"And you accepted! If you wanted to go back to the fae so badly, why didn't you just come back to us?" Bo asked, glaring at her.
"I didn't, Bo," Lauren protested. Bo made a scoffing noise of disbelief.
"I told you I missed the fae but not enough to come back. If Vex hadn't found me, and literally gave me no choice, I would have been content with my normal life - with some regrets, yes but ultimately okay with it."
"So, you had no choice? They forced you?" Bo asked, her eyes willing Lauren to make this easy for her.
Lauren shook her head sadly. "No. They didn't force me. Bo, do you know about the body servant bond?"
Bo stiffened at her answer and only bit out a short reply. "Trick explained it to us."
"It's not just some ritual, it's, it's very special. It required absolute trust from both parties for the binding to take."
"And you trusted her? You didn't trust me," Bo said, looking more hurt than she had been this whole time. Lauren was finally unable to keep away and hurried to her, but it was the succubus' turn to step away from her touch.
The rejection stung but Lauren didn't push it. Bo was right anyway, she had picked the Morrigan over them.
But part of her still wanted to explain.
"Bo," she started softly, not wanting to further aggravate the upset succubus. "It's... I don't know how I can explain what that bond meant to me without hurting you." Bo turned away and Lauren felt a bit of panic, as she imagined the succubus getting fed up and just leaving her; leaving everything as it stood and just giving up on her. Like she did to Bo. Lauren swallowed down her own fear and struggled to continue instead. If Bo left her, it was only what she felt she deserved.
"The bond wasn't just one-way. It wasn't just me who had to give their trust, the Morrigan had to be equally vulnerable. And that, you can't know what that meant to me, Bo," Lauren paused. "I was a slave, and you said it before, didn't you? I was collared by the Ashes and they used me however they liked. The Morrigan offered me so much more. She saw me as a real person, Bo. Someone whose worth wasn't limited to my skills as a doctor."
Lauren bravely faced Bo's judging stare. That moment with the Morrigan had been important to her and she refused to pretend otherwise.
"I've always seen you that way, Lauren," Bo answered simply.
Lauren took in a shaky breath. "You did," she conceded.
xxx
They stared at each other for a while, before Bo began to turn away. The room suddenly felt smaller, the walls pressing in closer. "I have to go. It's a lot to take in and I-I have to think about this." She hadn't known what to expect when she started her search, but this wasn't it. This wasn't the Lauren she knew anymore and she needed some time to reconcile this version with the one in her memories.
Bo thought that Lauren would protest but she only nodded understandingly.
Bo continued, "A lot has changed over the past year, Lauren, and not just with you. There's been -"
"Like the way your eyes have been flashing blue all night?" Lauren interrupted, looking curious.
For a moment, Bo's heart ached with longing. How many times had she seen that 'inquisitive scientist' look on Lauren's face that usually signaled a geeky babble? She wasn't really surprised that Lauren caught that oddity, but Lauren's next words shocked her.
"Was it because of the binding we did to defeat the Garuda, or did something else happen this year?" Lauren continued.
Bo smiled ruefully, she should have known better to underestimate this woman. Lauren had nailed it in the head after just one meeting; and it wasn't a normal, friendly meeting either. How she was able to diagnose her after that heavy conversation, Bo couldn't fathom but Lauren had always been brilliant. Just one more thing she missed.
Lauren looked a bit concerned now though, at her continued silence. "I'm sorry," she said and began to speak quickly, "I just... I remembered that Trick was concerned about side-effects and you did turn into rage-y Bo for a few seconds before Kenzi managed to unbind you." She paused for a second, looking more contemplative. "Or was it because of me? Because you're upset with me, right now?" Her brow furrowed, as if she was doing mental calculations. "You turned into rage-y Bo the first time because of me as well, although the trigger emotions were different. But you can see there's a correlation to the events, right?"
"Lauren, stop," Bo ordered, interrupting the other woman with a barely hidden smile. "It's about the binding, you're right." She became more serious. "But I can't discuss that now. I have to go. I-I'll come back some other time and we, we can talk about it then."
"Okay," Lauren said.
But just as Bo was about to leave, Lauren stopped her with an urgent, "Wait!"
When Bo turned back, she saw Lauren's hand wavering in the air between them, like she had reached out but stopped before she could touch her.
"I know that you're going to tell Kenzi everything that we talked about," Lauren said, her voice turning deeper and huskier, like he was going back to being 'Lewis'. Bo hadn't even noticed the change in the first place. "I'm not gonna stop you," he said, "But I want to ask you not to tell anyone else, okay? Not even Trick. You and Kenzi would have to keep it a secret because no one's supposed to know who I am right now."
Bo frowned. She had questions she wanted to ask about that but kept her tongue for now. In the end, she only nodded and quickly left the place.