Falling Into Chaos

...

It had been almost an hour since Sam had overheard part of Kensi and Hetty's conversation ... the painful part. The Operations Manager had remained seated as Sam stormed off toward the gym, followed closely by a distraught Kensi and now she was taking a moment to assess the full impact of what it all meant for the team that was the only real family she had left. The heartbreaking confession by Kensi about her actions, had set the morning's activities in motion.

Several minutes after Sam had literally staggered back into the bullpen, Hetty had immediately dispatched him and Callen to follow-up on a few leads and interviews from some of the more mundane cases that were clogging up the well-oiled machine that she worked so hard to manage. They had left quickly, Callen slightly confused over being assigned something that usually went to far more junior agents and Sam still appeared stunned ... like he had received some news that shook him to his core. Callen escorted his partner out without asking any questions, but the look on his partner's face let Hetty know that the storm brewing inside the former Navy SEAL wouldn't stay quiet for long.

The demure woman glanced toward the gym, and after a few moments reflection, decided that if Kensi needed some time to gather herself, then Hetty would give her as much time as the young woman needed. Since her original cup of tea had cooled, Hetty moved over to the burner to reheat the water so she could pour herself another one. As the water began to hiss in the antique container, options and scenarios played out in Hetty's mind as she searched for ways to lessen the damage and hopefully find a way to heal her fractured team.

Callen was harboring heavy guilt over what had happened after Janvier's betrayal ... the torture ... Deeks' brush with death ... she just hoped she could remind him that not all operations went smoothly and sometimes innocent blood was spilt to save the lives of many more.

Sam was handling the after-effects of what he went through just like she would expect of him, with fierce determination to not seem weak ... but Hetty feared that holding it all in would eventually cause an emotional outburst that may give him more to regret than the inability to help a certain shaggy-haired cop. The over-heard admission by Kensi might be the catalyst that finally pushed the stalwart agent to finally release all the emotions he kept hidden behind his soft grin and gentle eyes.

Deeks was still a mystery to her and she hadn't seen him since his discharge from the hospital. She took comfort in the fact that the Hannas were apparently taking great care of him and Sam would give her updates almost every morning over shared cups of tea. Nate was now in town, but he was giving Deeks a few more days before he planned on arranging a visit with him to begin the long road back to a more stable frame of mind.

And then there is Kensi. It broke Hetty's heart to think about all the unresolved issues in the young woman's life that would cause her to use sex as a way of coping with things she couldn't handle emotionally. A moment of weakness and fear had led to only more pain and heartache for the junior agent and those closest to her. Finding out that Deeks knew about Kensi's night with Sabatino sent shivers through Hetty's spirit ... she knew that his recovery had only grown more daunting now that there was such a chasm between him and his partner. Of all the people who could have given Deeks a reason to crawl out of the despair that threatened to consume him ... Kensi had been the one constant in his life that would have given him a hope and a future. Now, sitting at her desk sipping on a warm cup of tea, Hetty finally admitted to herself that there was a real possibility that Deeks might not find his way back to them at all.

Never being one to sit back idly while things around her continued falling into chaos, Hetty set her cup down gently on her desk and pulled her private phone out of her pocket. It wasn't really a simple phone as it appeared ... in fact, the security protocols she herself had designed and programmed into it, had left both Nell and Eric totally confounded after she had asked them to test it for her. If anyone cracked her codes, they would have to be better than the two techs who worked for her, and they were the smartest people she had ever met. After tapping a few keys to enter her personalized encryption keys, she tapped out a phone number that she hadn't dialed in some time.

Hetty placed the phone against her ear and listened to two regular rings until there was a click followed by two short beeps as the phone on the other end of the call went through its own set of security checks. The line went live and a man's strong voice answered calmly from the other end.

"Yes, may I help you?"

Hetty smiled at the familiar inflections of the man she had known for most of her adult life. "John ... it's Hetty."

Even though she couldn't see him, she heard his smile as if she could. "Henrietta ... my word, it's been a long time."

"Yes it has my friend, far too long." The tone in her words conveyed a sense of thick emotion.

On the other end of the line, John O. Brennan, Director of Operations for the Central Intelligence Agency, swallowed and leaned forward to place his elbows on his desk. "So, I take it that this is not a personal call?"

Hetty paused momentarily to collect her thoughts and to find a way to actually answer the man's question. "Not exactly John ... but it is not really business either."

"Ahhh ... one of those calls."

Hetty chuckled softly at the comfortable friendship that they still shared. "I'm just glad I didn't wake you ... it's still early on the East coast."

"Not that early, and I've got a debriefing this morning with the DNI (Director of National Intelligence) and a group of head-hunting Senators that want a progress report on some of our operations running in the Middle East." Hetty heard his chair squeak over the phone as he rocked backward. "I came in a little early to check a few notes and get some more updates."

"Sounds like good times."

"You would know." He laughed softly, remembering some shared times together. "So, what can I do for one of my favorite ninjas?"

Hetty took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do you remember the favor that you said you owed me after that little mission in Uzbekistan?"

CIA Director Brennan stopped rocking in his leather desk chair. "It must be serious ... that's one huge favor."

"Yes John, it is."

"This isn't going to turn into an international incident ... is it?"

That got a full laugh out of her. "No ... nothing that serious."

"Well, that's good news ... I've got enough people breathing down my neck about North Korea's new long-range missiles that aren't the pieces of junk we first thought they were." He paused after deflecting her for a moment, letting her know he was ready for her to call in a favor that he had secretly hoped she never would.

"John ... are you familiar with a CIA officer by the name of Vostanik Sabatino?"

"Sabatino ... Sabatino ... " Hetty heard him clicking his tongue over the phone, it was something he did when he was trying to recall something that sounded familiar. " ... wait, you're not talking about the idiot that lost track of those Russian nukes, are you?"

"The very same."

"Ahhhh ... " Director Brennan nodded his head, forgetting that she couldn't see him. "I can't thank you and you team enough for how you all saved our asses on that one. I read the debrief about the agents that were captured by that Russian monster ... what they went through ... damn."

"It was all part of the job, John ... no need to start handing out medals now."

"Yeah, I know. So, how are they doing?"

Hetty knew exactly who the "they" were that John had just mentioned and his concern for her and her team touched her deeply. "They are finding their way ... slowly."

"Hetty ... they are in my prayers."

That caused her eyes to mist for a moment. "Thank you John ... they need all they can get."

The line stayed silent for a few moments as the two of them reflected on all that had happened and the lives that were saved ... and the ones that were scarred. John had also taken a moment to pull up the agent in question's personnel file, and he was glancing over the information when he spoke again.

"So, back to Sabatino ... " The displeased inflection in John's voice as he said the man's name, told Hetty that her request was going to be easier than she had first thought.

"Yes ... well, Officer Sabatino has caused a few, ah ... 'ripples', in the dynamic of my Alpha team and I was wondering if it would be possible for him to ... let's just say ... receive orders for a new duty station that would keep him as far away from Los Angeles as possible."

John suddenly grew serious. "Are these 'ripples' on a professional level? He already has a few write-ups in his disciplinary file ... "

"No John ... these are personal."

"Ahhhh ... so I can't come right out and fire his ass for it." There was the sound of real disappointment in his voice. "You just want me to make his life miserable."

Hetty let out a dry chuckle. "As miserable as humanly possible."

"Where would you like me to send him? The Congo? There's an Ebola outbreak going on there ... " John sounded genuinely excited. " ... no wait! How about Thailand ... they've got a nasty STD going through the "Red Light' districts that isn't responding to antibiotics ... "

As John rambled on, Hetty smiled at the depth of the file on Sabatino if the last suggestion was any sign of the level of the agent's extra-curricular activities. "John ... I do have an idea."

"Sorry Hetty, I got carried away for a moment. Last year, that idiot slept with the daughter of the French ambassador ... caused a big bruhaha over at the State Department and gave me another stomach ulcer." John rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, hoping that Hetty's idea would prove to be something that would force the amorous agent to finally 'keep it in his pants'. "What did you have in mind?"

Hetty's smile could be compared to the expression on a cobra just before it struck, except a cobra would have been less cold. "I hear that the Zulu radar station above the Arctic circle is nice this time of year."

"Hetty, the average temperature there is negative forty-five degrees ... the last agent we stationed there lost two toes and half an ear to frostbite ... " John tried desperately not to laugh at the shear brilliance of Hetty's idea, but the smile on his face was starting to hurt. " ... and it's an all male crew, there isn't a female within five hundred miles."

He could hear her smile four time zones away.

"Precisely."

...

Sam hadn't said a word since they were dispatched to follow-up on a few unfinished interviews from cases that they could barely remember ... and it was driving Callen crazy. He had tried talking about the latest L.A. Laker's loss but that had barely garnered a hard grunt from the man sitting beside him in the car. Bringing up the annoying female neighbor that couldn't seem to take 'no' for an answer didn't even earn a grin. Something was definitely off with his partner.

Deciding that enough was enough, the senior agent suddenly tapped on the brakes and turned the steering wheel hard to the left, a few irate driver's gave the usual one fingered salute and other's honked their horns for far longer than was necessary. Sam's head smacked into the passenger door's window and when he turned to face his partner, the look in his eyes told Callen that something was seriously wrong. "What the hell G.?! What's wrong with you?!"

Callen kept his eyes focused on the road in front of him, ignoring the blue Honda whose driver was almost hanging out of the driver's side window and gesturing adamantly with his left hand ... actually, it was the middle finger of his left hand. As the other car finally pulled away from them, the blue-eyed agent took a deep breath and answered his partner. "I could ask you the same thing ... you've been brooding since before we left the Mission."

Sam returned to staring out the window. "It's nothing."

"Whenever you 'brood' ... it's never just 'nothing' ... what's going on?"

"G., let it go."

Callen had always took pride in the fact that even though he and Sam were totally different ... they always clicked and pretty much told each other when something was bothering them. With Sam sitting silently beside him, a scowl clear on his face ... he understood that whatever it was, it was serious.

"Come on, Big Guy ... " Callen heard Sam huff out a frustrated sigh, realizing his team leader wasn't going to let it go until he had a satisfactory explanation. " ... is it something with Michelle?"

"No."

"The kids? They played with your woodworking tools again, didn't they?"

"No, it's not the kids."

Callen hated playing "20 questions" with his partner, who was usually telling him way more than he ever wanted to know about the Hanna household. If it wasn't the wife and kids ... that usually meant it was work or team related ... and that was usually worse. With the weeks they had struggled through since Sidorov, Callen just knew exactly which team member would probably be on Sam's mind.

"Does it have something to do with Deeks?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Callen watched his partner's head drop for just a second ... it was one of Sam's 'tells' ... it was what he did when he faced something that broke though his tough exterior. The moment of silence that followed only confirmed the team leader's conclusion.

"Is that it? Has something happened that I should know about?"

Oh ... you have no idea.

Sam almost said it out loud before he stopped himself. A war raged inside of his mind over whether or not to tell his team leader ... his friend ... the devastating truth he had learned that very morning from Kensi herself. He wasn't sure how Callen would react or even if he would believe him if he really did confess about what was eating him up inside. Was it really any of Callen's business? Was it Sam's place to reveal what he had learned completely by accident. Would this cause a deeper rift in the team, a tear that was slowly becoming a chasm, one that had become more obvious the last few weeks?

The more Sam thought about it, the more it all made sense ... Deeks' avoidance of all things "Kensi", the cloud that seemed to hover over the team that he considered his extended family, the sad countenance that Kensi wore all the time now ... the guilt Callen bore over circumstances that had so quickly spiraled out of control.

As all of this echoed in Sam's head, it caught him completely unaware when the man sitting beside him spoke with a broken and heavy tone.

"How did you find out?" Callen's voice was low ... and sad.

Sam's eyebrows curled up in a questioning look. "Found out about what?"

"Come on Sam ... you know what."

"Sorry ... you've lost me."

Callen swallowed hard before he continued. "About Kensi ... and Sabatino."

You ... have ... got ... to ... be ... Kidding ... ME!

Sam's mouth was as dry as cotton. "You knew?!"

"Yes ... yes I did."

The muscles in Sam's neck tensed to the point he thought they would literally push his head completely off his shoulders. "For how long?"

Callen let out a long sigh. "The third day of Deeks' stay in the hospital ... when we almost lost him that last time."

Sam tucked his head down against his chest as he clasped his hands, pushing his arms straight out in front of him. "G. ... you knew and yet you didn't say anything?"

"It wasn't my story to tell Sam ... "

"Do you have any idea what Deeks has gone through? He wakes almost every night screaming out for her ... but when Michelle or I bring it up ... he locks up, like the very sound of her name is breaking him even more." Anger ... pure and white-hot, surged up from the base of his skull all the way to his temples. "DAMMIT G.! If we had known ... maybe we could have spared him even more pain!"

"Sam ... what was I supposed to do ... what was I supposed to say? 'Hey Sam, guess what? Kensi left her wounded partner ... you know, the guy she's supposedly crazy about ... well, she left him in a coma so she could go out and fuck the smarmiest son of a bitch we have ever met?" Callen's voice had grown in volume until he was almost yelling, but his words were colored with pain, not anger. "Is that what you wanted from me?"

When Sam looked over after Callen's outburst, he saw that the man's shaking hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles where solid white. The SEAL had never seen his friend so close to a breakdown as he was at that moment and he wondered just how much shame and guilt Callen was holding onto.

The car fell into silence, the only noise came from the soft purr of the engine and the hum of the tires on the pavement. As the quietness consumed the two men, the volcano that had threatened to erupt from either one, cooled ... disappearing like a vapor on cold morning.

"I ... I don't know what to do Sam ... I really have no idea how to fix this." Callen's words were spoken so quietly, Sam almost didn't hear them.

Sam took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't think you can ... it's not your mess in the first place."

"But if I hadn't trusted Janvier ... if he hadn't betrayed you ... if Deeks hadn't been ... "

"Stop!" Sam held up a hand to emphasize his point. "Don't ... you had no idea that this would happen ... and stop second guessing yourself ... it'll only drive you crazy."

"But the two men I count as my brothers were tortured ... one almost died ... " Callen was fighting hard to keep up his composure. " ... then my little sister goes out and does something that only causes more damage ... "

Sam schooled back his own anger and hurt to concentrate on keeping his friend from losing his grip on his need to feel responsible for everything that had happened. "Callen ... stop it! You are not responsible for anyone's actions but your own! Janvier screwed us ... hell, the mission was screwed from the start. You had one shot at getting Michelle and I close enough to find the nukes and Janvier was it ... what happened to me and Deeks was just part of some sick joke decided by the fates long ago."

"Sick joke? What about Kensi ... what do I do about her?"

Sam thought back to his own confrontation with the young woman, and his threat to hurt her if she came to close to Deeks before he was ready. The anger that had fueled that outburst had slowly bled away after only a short time ... she was his sister and he couldn't stay mad at her for too long. "Like I said ... you are responsible only for your actions ... not hers ... Kensi will have to face her own consequences for the choices she's made."

"She's hurting Sam ... I can see her literally falling apart before my very eyes and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it." Callen's confession came from his heart, a heart that was breaking for all of his friends.

"I know G. ... I've seen the same thing over the last week or so ... I just thought it was because of what Deeks went through ... is going through." Sam watched the highway disappear past his window, his mind slowly putting more pieces of the puzzle together. "It's killing him G. ... he's lost his lifeline and I'm not sure he'll ever find his way back ... no matter what the rest of us do to help him ... we may lose him for real this time."

"Are you saying he might leave NCIS ... go back to LAPD?" Callen couldn't even picture the team without the annoyingly loyal detective with them.

"We've spoken a few times ... he says he doesn't know if he can do this any more ... he wasn't ready for what they did to him and he's in pain ... the kind of pain that hurts down to your soul." Sam thought of his own bouts with PTSD and the fear that would grip him sometimes and never let go ... causing him to question everything that his life was supposed to be. "And Kensi ... God ... what was she thinking?"

"I don't think she was Sam ... I think she just reacted to something she wasn't prepared for ... " Callen's statement echoed his partner's and the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. " ... I know she sees Deeks as more than a partner and a friend ... he's way more than that to her. When she felt like she was losing him ... I think her Bad-Ass-Blye shell cracked and she simply couldn't handle the fact that another man she cared for might possibly be leaving her ... by his choice or not."

"So she runs out and grabs another man?" Sam's tone had an edge of bitterness to it. "Funny way of coping."

Callen chuckled sadly. "We all 'cope' to loss in different ways Sam ... how did you handle Dom's death?"

For a moment, Sam contemplated punching Callen right in the face ... but the flash of anger left almost as soon as it appeared. This was a time of healing, not of inflicting more pain. "I destroyed a punching bag in the gym."

"I got so drunk on some old Russian vodka ... I ended up passed out in my back yard and never did find my pants." In any other circumstance, that story would have elicited at least a quick chuckle if not full on laughter ... but now, it just reminded them of other friends they had lost way too soon.

"So, what do we do now?"

Callen sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the world settle on his shoulders once more. "We help them the best we can ... we listen ... give advice when asked ... I don't know ... maybe just love and support them the way we are supposed to."

"What do you mean by that?" It sounded almost flippant, but Callen heard the sincerity in his friend's question.

"Put yourself in their shoes ... if you had screwed up as bad as Kensi has ... wouldn't you need a friend or two to help you work your way through this?"

Sam's chuckle actually had a bit of humor in it this time. "Yeah, it's not we've never royally screwed up."

"Speak for yourself ... I've always been a good boy." Callen actually had a small grin on his face.

"Whatever you say ... Carlos."

Callen glanced over to look at his friend. "That was a long time ago and, for the record, it's not a crime to date two women at the same time."

"It's not a crime ... but it isn't very smart." Sam was feeling a lot of the tension from his confrontation with Kensi, slowly drift away. "Especially when the two women in question are sisters."

"If I had known that at the time, I wouldn't have dated them in the first place." Chucking at his own misfortune, Callen smiled over at his friend for helping to pull him out of the funk he was falling into. "And I broke it off when I found out."

"No ... you broke it off when they found out and threatened to make it impossible for you to ever have children."

They both shared a good laugh at remembering that story from early in their partnership, but when the laughter died ... the serious issues facing them were waiting.

"Deeks is really going to need us to get through this." Callen made a mental note to check Nate's plans to visit with the detective ... he hoped it was soon.

"Yeah ... and his partner as well." Sam thought of his words to Kensi and knew he had something he had to do. "When we get back to the Mission, I need to talk to her."

"Why?"

"I said some things when I found out about ... well, about ... you know ... and I need to apologize to her for that."

Callen glanced over as his partner and friend, catching the hint of regret in the other man's eyes. All the raw emotions were starting to settle down after too many weeks of turmoil and he just wished that he knew how it would all work out ... if the team could weather the current storm.

"We'll get through this Sam ... of that, I'm confident."

Sam kept his eyes focused on the world outside the car as they sped along another busy LA street. When he spoke, Callen caught a hint of sadness and a fearful sense of foreboding in the man's words.

"Yeah ... but at what price?"

...

...

Later that afternoon at the Hanna household ...

Michelle finished speaking with the receptionist at he doctor's office, confirming Deeks' appointment for another check-up where they were planning on removing the stitches in his chest. As she disconnected the call, her mind began to wonder if her husband had any luck that day in discovering what had thrown off the 'thing' between the detective and his usually over-attentive partner. She wasn't so much worried about the implication of that there was more between the two of them than a really close friendship, if there was anything romantic going on between them ... then that was their business. What was troubling her was how Kensi's aloofness was impacting Deeks' recovery and she was hoping that maybe today would bring a few answers to all of the lingering questions in her mind.

A loud 'Woof!" snapped her out of her thoughts and, for that, she was grateful. As she turned from the table, Monty bounded into the living-room, followed closely by both Makayla and Jarius who were giggling and laughing as they ran. Monty stopped in the middle of the room, doing a little circle dance on the floor ... it was something he did when he was excited about something.

It only took Michelle Hanna a moment to see why. From the spot between his ears, down his back to where his tail began ... he was covered in a colorful series of hair-ribbons ... Makayla's new hair-ribbons to be precise. For a second, Michelle was afraid that the dog was upset or in pain, but the way he was dancing around and the amount of decorations he was sporting down his back, let her know that he had sat still long enough for her children to 'decorate' him ... and now he was putting on the rest of his fashion show.

Jarius stopped next to the couch, a huge grin on his round face. Placing one hand on his hip and making a rather exaggerated motion with his free hand, he gestured toward Monty, who was sitting on the floor and his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

"Now for your entertainment ... America's Next Top Dog ... MONTY!"

Makayla clapped, Jarius laughed and Monty ... well, he just drooled on the floor, his head cocked to the side as if he was wondering what the humans were so excited about. It was such a silly sight that Michelle couldn't help but laugh out loud along with her kids.

"He's beautiful guys ... " He really wasn't. He looked like the hairball a cat would hack up after it chewed on a rainbow-colored sweater, but Michelle could see that they were proud of their hard work and Monty was totally oblivious to how ridiculous he really looked. " ... but since those are Makayla's new hair-ribbons that we just got for school, maybe you should go ahead and take them out before they get too tangled in Monty's fur."

"Awww ... Mom! He's too cute this way!" Makayla started to pout.

"Don't 'awwww mom' me ... it'll probably take you longer to get them all out than it did to put them in!" Michelle tried to sound strict, but she was having a hard time as Monty shook his body, causing the ribbons to flop across his back and the beads to clatter together ... he really was putting on a show. "But let's take a picture to show to your dad and uncle Marty, okay?"

"Yes ma'am." The kids responded together and Michelle's heart warmed at the respect and love she felt coming from her children. They were messes ... both of them ... but they were sweet and kind toward everyone they met and their mother was proud to call them 'hers'. They clamored around Monty, huge smiles plastered on their faces as Michelle clicked a few shots on her cell phone while Monty just sat there panting.

The doorbell rang, causing Monty to stand erect with his tail down and his ears perked toward the other side of the dinning room. He let out a soft warning bark and that impressed Michelle ... for an old dog who was mostly blind and deaf ... he had become a fierce protector of both her and her kids since he had stayed with them. The bell's two-tone ring told her that their visitor was at the side-door at the other end of the kitchen, the one friends and family used.

"It's okay Monty." Michelle wasn't expecting company and Sam or Marty wouldn't ring the doorbell, so she didn't really know who it could be. "Kids, take Monty upstairs and go ahead and start taking the bows out of his hair."

Another set of "Yes ma'ams" and the boy and girl led a still protective Monty through the livingroom and up the stairs toward their rooms.

When she was sure her children were in another part of the house, Michelle walked over and peeked through the curtain so she could see who was standing just outside the door. She relaxed as she recognized the person as someone she hadn't seen in several weeks, but she was suddenly curious as to the nature of their visit.

She put on a warm smile and unlocked the deadbolt, letting in the afternoon sun. When the person turned to face her, Michelle greeted him warmly.

"Nick Sabatino ... what brings you here?"

...