Hello again my friends,

I humbly apologize for the long wait, but work has taken up most of my precious time. Thankfully, I was finally able to squeeze in some time to write.

I promise, you won't be disappointed. Enjoy!

WARNING: This chapter contains mature, but not explicit content. If you are offended by such material, do not continue reading.

CHAPTER 10: Heart's Desire

"Hey, watch it Carisi! My insurance doesn't cover slipping on tinsel."

"Sorry, Finn," Sonny replied apologetically as he was maneuvering through the office with several boxes of Christmas ornaments piled high in his arms until he could reach his desk.

"How come we got stuck with decorating the office?" Rollins asked grumplily as she began to untangle several green and red garlands entwined together.

"Because it was our turn this year. And what do you mean 'WE'?" Sonny retorted. "I'm the one that's been doing most of the decorating."

"That's because you're the tallest. What do you expect?" Rollins retorted.

"Objection. Immaterial and prejudicial."

"Objection overruled on both counts."

"It's a good thing I don't mind doing this."

"You're really into this holiday thing, aren't you?" Finn observed. "I'll bet your family put up their decorations after Thanksgiving."

"Actually, it was after Halloween. I've always loved the holiday season even when I was just a rugrat. We would go to my grandparents' place on Christmas Eve and have a great big feast, sing carols, and exchange gifts before going all together as a family to mass the next morning. Nonna Mary would make our favorite dishes and she would always give us kids money behind our parents' back in addition to the presents under the tree."

"That's one cool granny."

"You said it. In fact, she's the one that started calling me 'Sonny' because I always brightened her day. I guess it was because I was her only grandson. Plus, I suppose it was easier to distinguish between me and my old man."

"Aw, that's so sweet."

"I'm getting several cavities just hearing you talk about it," Fin replied sarcastically.

"You're so cynical," Rollins commented while throwing some tinsel at him, which he easily dodged.

"Sorry to break this up, but we just got another reported rape case," Liv reported solemnly. "It's at Hudson University again."

"I guess it was asking too much to ask for a week without an incident," Sonny replied with a sigh.

But that was SVU, holiday or not. At least Sonny had Rafael now. And for that, he had every reason to look forward to the coming weeks.

"So, what time are you picking me up on Friday night?"

Barba gave Sonny a quizzical look in response across the kitchen table where they were eating brunch on a lazy Saturday afternoon at Sonny's apartment.

"What time am I picking you up for what?"

"I can't believe you've forgotten all about the holiday party given by 1 PP," Sonny replied pretending to pout petulantly. "I've only been reminding you every other day for two weeks."

"I didn't forget, Sonny," Barba replied softly. "It's just...I wasn't planning on going."

Sonny's eyes widened in surprise. "Why not? Liv went out of her way to get you invited as a personal favor to me. And I was looking forward to spending the evening with you all dressed up and looking handsome as usual."

"Somehow I get the feeling that a majority of the cops at 1 PP won't be all that thrilled to see me there."

"Don't let a few malcontents speak for the rest of us. And besides, it's been almost two years since the Terrence Reynolds incident."

"That isn't the only reason I don't want to go."

"It would help if you gave me a little more to work with here."

Barba sighed as he got up from the table and turned away to put some distance between them. "Christmas isn't one of my favorite holidays, okay? I was hurt very badly in the past by someone I cared about and who I thought, cared about me. She told me that she had fallen in love with my best friend and broke up with me on Christmas Eve."

"Ouch," Sonny replied with much empathy.

"Ouch is right. Going to the holiday party would just remind me of that painful part of my past."

Sonny frowned in concern as he looked at Barba. Even though they could talk about anything to each other, it was the first time he had mentioned anything to Sonny about his love life.

"Maybe it's time you let go, so that you can move on. You're only doing yourself harm by holding on to the past."

"I suppose YOU never went through something like that before."

"I'll have you know that I've had my heart broken plenty of times. But then again, I was never in a relationship long enough to even consider popping the question. Well, that's not entirely true. I thought about it once, but that was in elementary school."

"I'm not talking about puppy love or an infatuation. I'm talking about a relationship."

Sonny paused momentarily before asking, "Were you in love with Yelina? Or were you just afraid of losing her to someone else?"

Barba turned around with a shocked look on his face. "How did you know that she was the one I was referring to? I never told you anything about her."

"Yeah, and whose fault was that? Liv told me about how you had to turn in damning evidence against your old childhood friend Alex Muñoz, that forced him out of the mayoral race a few years ago. Also, Carmen mentioned once that Yelina stopped by your office a few days before the election as well. It didn't take much for me to put two and two together to figure out that you were talking about her just now."

"You're a much better detective than I give you credit for, Sonny."

"Can I get that in writing?" Sonny quipped to ease the general atmosphere. "Just so you know, I wasn't prying, Rafael. It just came up during a conversation. Honest."

"The thought never crossed my mind. And to answer your question, I don't really know. I mean, I thought I loved her. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, rather than facing the truth."

"There's nothing wrong with wishful thinking."

"There is when it becomes delusional thinking. Deep down, I suspected that Yelina wanted to be with Alex. But my pride took a huge hit and I didn't want to admit it. You know me. I always hate to lose. And losing to my best friend would be a bitter pill to swallow."

"Sounds like you two were pretty serious, despite her feelings for him."

"I was going to propose the night that she broke up with me," Barba replied wistfully.

Sonny's eyes registered surprise as he felt his heart clench tightly against his chest. He certainly hadn't expected to hear that admission from Barba. "That's a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through. Still, she must have felt something for you."

"That's really a moot point now. She made her decision. I mean, it's not like I could force her to return my feelings."

"I'm sorry, Rafael. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It's all ancient history. But thanks anyway. I just wished that she had picked another day than Christmas Eve to dump me."

Sonny got up and went over to Barba to give him a hug, because that was just the kind of person he was. "If it makes you feel any better, she doesn't know what she missed out on. But on the other hand, I'm glad it happened, because I benefited from her loss by being here with you. And I'm not going to apologize for that. After all, all's fair in love and war."

Barba smirked knowingly as he looked up into Sonny's eyes. He loved whenever Sonny became overprotective for his sake. But even better than that, he loved being the apple of Sonny's eye.

"You know, there's a little bit of Machiavelli in you."

"I'm Italian. Face it, it's in my blood. Rafael, it's all right if you don't want to come with me to the party. I won't be disappointed."

"Yes, you will," Barba immediately corrected him.

"Okay, I will. But I'll understand. As long as I have you, I don't need anything else. We'll have our own private holiday celebration."

Barba reached up to frame Sonny's face within the palm of his hands before kissing him softly. "You've got a deal."

"Hey Sonny, you came by yourself tonight, as well?" Rollins asked as she sauntered up to Sonny who was sitting at the bar, watching the crowd of NYPD cops and their guests milling around in the grand ballroom at the Ritz-Carlton hotel. Even with all of the cheerful festivities, it just wasn't the same without Barba there.

"Unfortunately. My friend couldn't make it at the last minute."

"Aw, you don't have to be ashamed that you struck out. I couldn't find a date either."

"For the last time, I am NOT making it up," Sonny replied in exasperation.

"If you say so," Rollins replied, not trying very hard to hide her amusement. She loved teasing Sonny like an annoying brother. First of all, because it was so easy, and more so because she could always count on getting a reaction out of him. "Want to go get something from the buffet?"

"Not really. I'm not very hungry at the moment."

"How about a dance?"

"Maybe a little later."

"How about you sit around looking depressed?" Rollins replied sarcastically.

"Very funny."

"Well, you can mope if you want to. I'm gonna go mingle. See you later."

Sonny was a little more irritated than he would normally be under the circumstances. He was admittedly disappointed that Barba had decided not to come to the holiday party, and it didn't help hearing about his boyfriend's past love life. Deep down, he was hoping that Barba would change his mind about joining him. It would have made him feel better for more reasons than just the obvious. But he didn't want Barba to feel even more guilt than he already did. Plus, he didn't want to seem too clingy. Sonny tried to make the best of a less than ideal situation, but no amount of eggnog and Jingle Bell Rock was going to change his dour mood as he resigned himself to the fact that he was on his own for the evening. It was going to be a long, lonely night.

"Hey, look who came down from the mountain top to join the little people?" someone joked, which caused Sonny's ears to perk up immediately.

Sonny turned around and his blue eyes widened in surprise as Barba entered the room looking very stylish and debonair in his black tuxedo. His heart beat an uneven tempo as he couldn't tear his eyes away from his gorgeous boyfriend. Sonny could have sworn that he wasn't the only one who was staring in appreciation as he could hear the distant chatter of people asking about who the attractive man was that just came in to the room. It was quite empowering to know that Barba belonged to him, and him alone. Liv was the first to approach Barba and was undoubtedly giving him a hard time by the way he was rolling his eyes in exasperation, but had a faint smile on his lips. Sonny had to patiently wait until Barba was free of all his admirers before he could approach him.

"You look terrific, counselor," Sonny replied in a low voice, so only Barba could hear him.

"You're not looking so bad yourself, detective Carisi."

Sonny blushed under Barba's sultry gaze and smiled bashfully. "I'm glad you decided to come. What changed your mind?"

"I couldn't let you down when you were looking forward to this party for weeks. And besides, I finally decided to take your advice and not allow the past to keep me from doing what I want to do."

"And what exactly would that be?"

"If I told you, you would have to cite me for sexual harassment, because I want to do YOU, detective."

"Rafael!" Sonny admonished with a look of mortification as he looked around him to make sure that no one else heard what Barba had said.

"I love it when you get easily embarrassed. So, what does a person have to do to get some food around here?"

"Rafi? Rafi, is that you?" a young woman's voice came from behind Barba.

"Sofia? I don't believe it. It really IS you," Barba replied in recognition as the younger woman practically jumped into his outstretched arms. She was a raven-haired beauty with big brown eyes and a body to die for. And she was hugging Barba with more familiarity than Sonny was admittedly comfortable with. They both proceeded to converse back and forth in rapidfire Spanish until Sonny couldn't stand it any longer. First it was Yelina, and now this mystery woman.

"Don't let me interrupt you," Sonny replied sarcastically.

"Sorry. This is Sofia Garcia, the youngest sister of one of my oldest and dearest friends from my old neighborhood. Sofia, this is Detective Dominick Carisi, Jr. He works with the Special Victims Unit."

"Call me Sonny," he automatically replied, shaking the younger woman's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Sonny. I'm sorry for interrupting, but I haven't seen Rafi in years. Imagine my surprise to find him here of all places."

"How's Eddie doing? I haven't seen him in a while."

"He's doing as well as can be expected, but he's hanging in there. Did you know that he got his high school diploma?"

"¿Es eso cierto? That's terrific! I always knew your big brother could do it."

"That's because you believed in him and always tried to help him in school. He told me that you're an ADA in Manhattan now. Not bad for a kid from the Bronx."

"Well, I was just trying to return the favor. He was always looking out for me when we were kids. You tell him the next time you see him that if he needs anything to give me a call."

"I will. It was great to see you again."

The strains of a lively Latin salsa began to play over the loud speakers. "Oh Rafi, this song reminds me of the parties we used to go to with the whole gang. Dance with me. It'll be a blast!"

"Not in front of everyone. I have to work with these people."

"What's the matter? Are you ashamed of your roots or something?"

"Of course not," Barba retorted self-consciously. It was still something of a sensitive issue for him whenever he was questioned about his heritage.

"Well then prove it. Come on, Rafi. Please? For old time's sake?"

Barba's eyes briefly met with Sonny's eyes, over Sofia's head to make sure he was okay with it. Sonny shrugged his shoulders noncommittally to show that he was indifferent, but inside he was seething with unspoken jealousy. It was bad enough that Sonny had to endure the appreciative glances and stares at Barba all night long, but he couldn't even have some alone time with his own boyfriend. The music was perfect for Barba to show off his moves as he expertly glided his partner back and forth while shaking and shimmying to the catchy beat of the music. Whenever the younger woman pressed up against Barba, it made Sonny even more jealous. The other people on the dance floor eventually dispersed to allow Barba and Sofia more room as they were clearly the best dancers there. Once in a while, Barba would throw his head back and give a come-hither-look for added effect. Sonny felt awkward all over again as he did in his youth as the tall, lanky kid with two left feet who got left out at dances.

"They look stunning, don't they?" Liv asked as she suddenly sidled up to Sonny in the back of the crowd that had gathered to watch.

"I guess," Sonny mumbled in reply as he was mostly paying attention to the fact that his boyfriend was in the arms of an attractive woman. "If you like that sort of thing."

"Careful Carisi. Your heart is showing."

"Are you implying that I am jealous?"

"That's exactly what I'm implying."

"Well, you're right. I AM jealous. You'd feel the same way too, if it was happening to you."

"You have nothing to worry about. Don't let that dance fool you. Rafael is crazy about you."

"Did he tell you that?" Sonny asked anxiously.

"He didn't have to. I can tell by the way Rafael looks at you, especially when you're not looking in his direction. And he wouldn't have admitted to me that he wanted to be with you unless he meant it. It isn't just a one way street you know."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. He's never even hinted at being the slightest bit jealous."

"Rafael will never admit it, but he often gets annoyed whenever you go on an undercover assignment and play the part of a shameless philanderer."

"I thought it was mainly because it was dangerous and he was concerned for my safety. I never realized that it was anything more than that."

It did make sense, in light of Barba's recent admission about losing his girlfriend to his best friend. Much as Sonny was ashamed to admit it, it gave him some comfort to know that Barba felt just as anxious as he did sometimes.

"I'll bet you never expected to fall for him so hard, did you?"

Sonny lowered his gaze pensively before answering, "Not this hard. Granted, he was a jackass to me in the beginning, but he's mellowed out with time. Either that, or I wore him down. I mean, I've always admired him professionally, but then we got to know each other better and then, it just kind of happened organically. I mean don't get me wrong, we have our share of disagreements and things aren't always hunky dory between us, but I can always count on him to be there for me and I can talk to him about anything. I never had that kind of relationship before. I was always trying to put other people's needs before my own. But Rafael always saw through me and allowed me to be myself. He's everything I've always wanted in a relationship."

"And you're everything he needs."

"I never thought Rafael needed anyone, least of all someone like me."

"And just what is wrong with someone like you?" Liv demanded.

"I could list my deficiencies, but we've only got so much time," Sonny responded in a self-deprecating tone.

He had definitely become more confident in his abilities as a detective and member of Manhattan SVU, but whenever Sonny compared himself to Barba on a personal level, he considered himself in a different league. Barba was sophisticated, cultured, smart, successful, and oh-so-talented. And not to mention, oh-so-sexy as well. But seeing him dance with an attractive woman only pointed out Sonny's own shortcomings, making him feel less than his usual confident self and a lot more insecure.

"Now you're just exaggerating."

"It's not exaggerating when it's the truth."

"Carisi, I hate it whenever you doubt yourself like this. Rafael wants to be with you because he wants to be with you. And furthermore, you make him happy. It's as simple as that."

"Do you really think so, Liv?"

Liv put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I know so. Maybe you should let him show you, himself."

Sonny stared pensively after Liv, as she went to join Fin and Rollins on the other side of the room. He then turned his attention back to his boyfriend who twisted and twirled in time with the lively music. His green eyes sparkled with unbridled joy as he let down his guard momentarily to indulge in his love for music and being the ultimate showman that he was. Barba looked so handsome and dashing when he was dressed up in a tuxedo that it made Sonny's heart beat an uneven tempo. Sonny had to admit that Sofia complimented him move for move, dancewise. They looked so well matched, liked they belonged together. But the longer they danced, the more jealous Sonny became. He couldn't help it. His heart began to pound like a jackhammer against his chest as it became more and more difficult to breathe. Sonny wanted Barba's strong arms to hold him and he wanted Barba to look at him with those seductive green eyes of his. He wanted to be touched and caressed by him. He wanted to feel his skin against his. And he wanted to belong to Barba in every way.

"Oh dear God, what's happening to me?" Sonny thought to himself. He could feel his skin flush hotly as every nerve receptor in his body reacted immediately to his heightened emotions.

When Barba finished the dance with a flourish by dipping his dance partner, everyone clapped and cheered in appreciation. Sonny clapped perfunctorily, but inside he was a mess. He wanted Barba so much that it hurt and he didn't care who saw.

At that moment, Barba looked up and met Sonny's eyes across the room as their gazes locked for several long seconds. To Sonny's surprise, Barba made a beeline directly towards him politely nodding at all the compliments he was receiving along the way, but keeping his focus on his target. He only had eyes for Sonny.

"Can I speak with you, detective? In private?" Barba asked in his usual business-like tone.

"Sure thing, counselor," Sonny answered automatically.

He followed Barba into one of the adjoining rooms nearby, making sure it was empty before entering. The minute the door closed behind him, Barba swept Sonny into his arms and bent him backwards before kissing him deeply. Sonny was so off balance that he would have fallen down if Barba hadn't been holding him up.

"What was that for?" Sonny asked breathlessly when they broke for air.

"For looking at me like you wanted me to do that," Barba replied in a husky voice. "Was I mistaken?"

Sonny reached up and cradled Barba's face in his hands, bringing the other man down to his waiting lips in response.

"I want you, Rafael. I want you right now," Sonny answered bluntly, after pulling back.

Barba smirked knowingly. "As much as I'd love to take you right here, I think we should go somewhere a little more private, don't you think?"

"And quickly. I don't think I can last much longer."

"Well it's a good thing my place is nearby."

Barba brought him back to a standing position and cradled Sonny's cheek in his palm. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Sonny rubbed his cheek against Barba's warm hand. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

"Then let's not waste any more time."

"Whatever you say, counselor."

Barba fumbled with the keys to his apartment as he kept kissing Sonny while attempting to open the door. They couldn't get enough of each other as their passions had been ignited by their mutual desire. It had been bubbling underneath the surface for some time now, but that intense dance brought out Sonny's jealous side and made him realize how much he wanted to be with Barba. When they reached the bedroom, they were already half undressed.

This wasn't the slow and careful teasing that Barba usually used with Sonny. This was pure desire and uncontrollable lust as impatient hands clutched and clawed at clothing that was merely in the way of his ultimate goal. Sonny was just as impatient as couldn't wait to touch Barba's tanned skin and press himself against the entire length of his body.

Barba laughed as Sonny almost tore the buttons off of Barba's dress shirt when he pulled the offending material away from his broad shoulders.

"Take it easy, Sonny. We have all night."

"I can't help it. I want you so much, Rafael."

"Yeah, I can tell," the older man replied as he leaned forward to kiss Sonny's naked chest.

Sonny immediately threw his head backwards and let out a moan of pleasure. He never realized how sensitve he was when it came to Barba's touch. It was like his body had a mind of its own, wanting more; needing more. Barba quickly and methodically removed Sonny's clothing, pausing once in a while to caress an exposed area of soft pale skin with his lips and fingers, before removing the rest of his own clothes until they were both gloriously free of any barriers. Sonny's long fingers raked through Barba's hair, holding him closely to his body, encouraging Barba to continue his seductive ministrations.

And then all of a sudden, Barba stopped. It was as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice over Sonny.

"What's the matter?" Sonny asked in confusion as he got up to a half-sitting position, resting backwards on his elbows.

"I know you're not used to this. I just don't want you to have any lingering doubts."

"I wouldn't be lying here in your bed, stark naked, if I had any doubts," Sonny replied as a matter of fact.

"And you look very desirable, if I do say so myself. But I don't want to hurt you, Sonny. And if you want me to stop, all you have to do say so."

Sonny wrapped his arms around Barba and kissed him passionately in response, slowly pulling the older man down with him onto the wide mattress.

"Does THAT answer your question?" the younger man asked huskily. "Now what do I have to do to get you to make love to me?"

Barba smirked confidently as he hovered over Sonny. "You're really one of a kind, Dominick Carisi, Jr. I promise to make it sweet for you."

And with that last word, Barba made good on his promise. Sonny was more than satisfied with the results several hours later as he fell asleep exhausted, but happily sated within the arms of his lover. His lover. That sounded so nice.

"Sonny? Are you awake?" Barba asked softly as he kissed Sonny's bare shoulder early the next morning.

Sonny had his back turned to him, while Barba was spooned up from behind, holding his body closely like a security blanket.

"Hmm?" Sonny groaned drowsily as his long eyelashes reluctantly fluttered open, adjusting to the light filtering into the bedroom. It took him a few seconds to register that it was indeed morning and he had actually spent the night with Barba. Sonny turned around and smiled gently.

"I didn't hurt you after all, did I?" Barba asked uncertainly.

He was so adorable whenever he was concerned about Sonny. Beneath that tough and gruff ADA persona was a heart of gold. It was just one of the many things that Sonny loved about him.

Sonny pressed a soft kiss against Barba's cheek, which had faint growth of morning stubble. "I wouldn't know how to feel any better. Last night was unbelievable, Rafael. I never knew it could be like that."

Barba looked visibly relieved. "Me neither. You were pretty impressive yourself."

"I told you that I learn fast."

Barba rubbed his nose against Sonny's nose, giving him an Eskimo kiss. "You certainly do. How about some breakfast?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Sonny retorted.

"Actually, I had something else in mind," Barba replied huskily as he bent low to claim Sonny's lips. His hand slid along Sonny's ribcage and narrow waist before going even further south, eliciting an uncontrollable shudder of pleasure from the younger man.

"Damn him and his seductive ways," Sonny thought to himself.

"Rafael, have a heart. Wasn't four times last night enough?" Sonny replied in distraction as Barba's hands began exploring his body and making his heart beat rapidly in anticipation. Sonny didn't have the energy or willpower to deny the older man what he wanted. Besides, Sonny wanted it just as much.

"But it's the start of a new day," Barba murmured against Sonny throat. "And I need my exercise."

Sonny wrapped his arms around his lover's back holding him closely. "You are so incorrigible."

Upload date: 15Dec2017

I hope I did this chapter justice. I took a lot of thought and care in presenting this moment, which is why it took so long.

Oh yes, I will be taking a brief sabbatical from writing to enjoy some much needed and deserved time off to enjoy the holidays.

Best wishes to my faithful readers. Until we meet again in January 2018.