Author's Notes: Hey guys, sorry for the wait. My computer deleted half of what I had originally written. Technology and I do not mix. Anyway, we get a lot more interaction between Brittany and Santana in this chapter. Hope you enjoy. Thanks so much for all the reviews. They are appreciated more than you know. So keep them coming. Thanks!
Santana sat quietly in glee club. Today's lesson was about expressing your feelings or something along those lines. But now that Santana thought about it, that's pretty much what every lesson in glee club was about. Today Rachel was singing a song about losing love. Of course she was looking longingly at Finn while Quinn looked angrily at both of them. Santana decided to close her eyes and just feel the music. She did this often in glee. She loved to let the music just take her away, even if it was Rachel singing.
After the song finished Santana looked over at Brittany. She was sitting next to Artie like always. Santana looked up at Rachel and was the first person to start clapping. Rachel looked at Santana as if she had no idea who she was. After the clapping died down Santana cleared her throat.
"I thought that was really good, Rachel" she said politely.
Every single person turned to look at Santana, completely astonished. Rachel's mouth hung open in surprise. Quinn was the first to break the silence.
"Um, what did you just say?" asked Quinn skeptically.
Santana rolled her eyes and crossed her legs.
"I said I thought man-hands did a good job. What? I'm not allowed to compliment anyone?" she replied with attitude.
"No, it's just you never do." Quipped Finn while utterly confused.
Mr. Schuester stood up and clapped his hands for Rachel. He wanted to end this before Santana's claws came out.
"Well, great job Rachel" he smiled. "Okay everybody, that's it for today, go home and work on your songs. Tomorrow we'll really start preparing for nationals."
Everyone grabbed their bags and folders and started moseying out of the choir room. Santana stalled for a moment as she watched Brittany push Artie towards the door. She sighed deeply then stood up. She turned and set her purse on the chair and began rifling through it trying to locate her gum.
Brittany turned around and saw that Santana was the last person in the choir room. She leaned in next to Artie's ear.
"I have to do something, I'll text you later?" she whispered.
He smiled and nodded. Brittany kissed him lightly on the cheek and he left the room. Brittany turned and walked towards Santana. She stopped before making her presence known. She enjoyed watching Santana. Especially when she was unaware that she was being watched. It was like seeing a rare animal in its natural environment.
Santana continued going through her bag. As her hand found the pack of gum Santana accidentally tipped the bag over onto the floor; spilling the contents across the choir room.
"Perfect. No really, that's friggin perfect" said Santana frustrated.
She then got down on her hands and knees and began picking up makeup, stray coins, and old receipts, among other things. Brittany went over in front of Santana and began helping pick up the contents of the purse. Santana looked up and was startled to see Brittany in front of her. They looked at each other and locked eyes.
"Hi" said Santana quietly.
"Hey" replied Brittany softly.
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Each one taking the other one in. Santana's eyes darted back and forth quickly between Brittany's eyes as if she were searching for emotion. She felt as if she could spend all day getting lost in those blue eyes. Brittany smiled at the girl in front of her.
Santana thought of just moments earlier when Brittany was pushing Artie. She withdrew her gaze and continued picking up her things. Brittany's smile quickly faded and they finished gathering the objects in silence.
They both stood up together as Brittany put the last stick of gum back into Santana's purse. Santana feigned a smile at Brittany and then looked at the ground awkwardly. It didn't happen often that she was at a loss for words, but this was one of those moments.
"So I heard you broke up with Sam." Said Brittany suddenly.
Santana was surprised that Brittany was so blunt. She looked up into her eyes.
"Yeah. I didn't want to string him along anymore. It wasn't fair." She replied, slightly proud of herself.
Brittany smiled at her.
"I'm proud of you San," she said. "I know these past couple of weeks haven't been easy for you."
Brittany reached out and touched Santana's arm. And for the first time since she told Brittany that she loved her, Santana didn't back away from her touch. In fact she welcomed it. While it hurt to be rejected by the person she loved, the hardest part about this ordeal was losing her best friend. Santana didn't make it a habit of letting people in. Brittany has been the only person in her life able to break through her hard shell. And not having her best friend to talk to had really taken its toll on Santana.
Santana looked up at Brittany and cleared her throat.
"You want to come over?" she asked. "There's a John Hughes marathon on tonight. Maybe we could order pizza and veg out?"
"Sounds great" replied Brittany with great enthusiasm.
They both turned and started walking out of the room, each of them wearing a smile on their face.
Santana instinctively brought her hand down and stuck her pinky out. She stopped herself before grabbing Brittany's pinky. She winced and tensed her hand while balling it into a fist. She hadn't expected her instincts to take over so quickly. She could no longer just be herself around Brittany. She would have to have some sense of control over herself. Certain aspects of their friendship would have to change.
The drive to Santana's house was innocent. There was no talking about feelings or love interests. They just talked freely. Mostly about Rachel's horrid choice in clothing. Santana turned up the radio at one point while Brittany danced in her seat. Neither of them could help but smile. They both felt so safe with one another. They both knew that they were at their happiest when they were together. With the music blaring and Brittany dancing next to her, Santana allowed herself to forget her feelings and all the complications that came along with them. She just let herself be happy.
After walking into Santana's house, Brittany sat down on the couch while Santana went into the kitchen. She came back out a moment later with a half eaten pack of Oreos and two glasses of milk. This had been their routine since they were kids. She set the cookies and milk down on the table in front of them and reached for the remote. Santana pointed it at the TV and turned on the John Hughes marathon. It was in the middle of Pretty in Pink.
"Yes, I love this movie" exclaimed Brittany excitedly.
Santana smiled at her.
"Only because there's someone in it named Duckie" she replied.
"Well duh. Ducks are awesome."
They finished their cookies and leaned back on the couch. Brittany instinctively put her legs up on Santana's lap, just as she'd done a million times before. Santana looked down at the smooth white legs on her lap. In the past, Santana would have been delighted to have those legs on her. She would have stroked them gently while they watched TV. But today they felt heavy and awkward. Santana looked at those legs as if they were foreign. She suddenly didn't know what to do with them. All she wanted was to pull Brittany closer and hold her. She wanted to stroke her legs like they were hers.
But they weren't hers. Brittany wasn't hers.
Santana adjusted herself, turning away from Brittany slightly. Brittany noticed.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Replied Santana unconvincingly.
She shifted awkwardly again. Brittany took her legs off of Santana's lap. She then scooted closer to her and positioned herself so that her head was leaning on Santana's shoulder. Santana looked away. She hated this. Why couldn't she just enjoy her time with Brittany? She didn't understand why this was so hard. Every touch actually hurt. Every touch was a painful reminder that Brittany was with Artie. Santana was overwhelmed and stood up quickly.
Brittany's head shot up. She was confused.
"What are you doing?" she asked the girl in front of her.
Santana looked around the room, trying to come up with an excuse that wasn't "I'm so in love with you that it's painful for you to touch me." She reached for the empty glasses in front of her.
"I'm gonna go wash these." She replied and quickly ran out of the room.
Brittany sat on the couch, confused. She didn't understand why Santana was acting so weird. The ride home had been so pleasant, why did things change when they got to Santana's house? Then Brittany had an idea for what might calm Santana down.
Santana sat the glasses on the sink. She gripped the counter and put her head down. This ended up being much harder than she thought it would be. She took a deep breath and walked slowly back into the living room.
Brittany was standing next to the couch with a seductive smile on her face. Santana stopped walking when she saw her.
"What are you doing?" asked Santana, confused.
Brittany walked forward and grabbed Santana's hands. She pulled them towards her and wrapped them around her own waist.
"This" she whispered into Santana's ear.
Brittany brought her hands up to Santana's neck and held either side gently in her hands. She looked into the darker girl's eyes before shutting her own. She leaned in and kissed Santana.
Santana kept her eyes open. Her hands did not move from where Brittany had placed them. She stood frozen for what seemed like a lifetime.
Brittany broke the kiss just long enough to look at the girl in front of her. As they locked eyes, Santana nodded, urging Brittany to go on.
The second kiss was deep, passionate. The moment their lips touched Santana felt it everywhere. She tightened her grip around Brittany's waist, pulling her closer. Brittany reached behind Santana's head and gently gripped her hair. Santana moaned softly into Brittany's mouth, not wanting to end the kiss. Not even to come up for air.
Brittany pulled away and backed up towards the couch, brining Santana with her. She pushed Santana softly so that she fell backwards onto the couch. Santana turned herself so that she her whole body was laying on the couch. She propped herself up on her elbows as Brittany straddled her. Brittany leaned in again and took Santana's lips in hers. She then moved her lips down to Santana's neck and began kissing her jaw line and below, nipping occasionally.
Santana closed her eyes. She wanted to enjoy this moment. She wanted to lose herself in Brittany's touch as she had done so many times before. But this time was different.
"Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie."
Those words repeated themselves in Santana's head. She couldn't stop them. They just kept repeating over and over. She closed her eyes tighter, trying to keep tears from coming out. How could she have picked him?
Brittany continued kissing Santana's neck. She felt a drop of water on her lips. She looked up and saw a couple of tears running down Santana's cheeks. She sat up quickly.
"San, what is it?" she asked, panicked.
Santana opened her eyes and swiftly sat up. She pulled her legs out from under Brittany.
"I can't do this Britt," she said through tears. "I just can't."
They both stood up hurriedly.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you" Brittany couldn't understand what had made Santana freak out.
"No you didn't hurt me I...I just need to take you home now."
Brittany grabbed her things as Santana frantically looked for her keys. She sat on the couch quietly watching Santana lift up pillows and chairs. She couldn't understand what had gone wrong. After Santana found her keys they walked silently to the car.
The car ride home was quiet and awkward. Santana looked straight ahead, never once turning to look at Brittany. Brittany however never took her eyes off of Santana. She searched her face, looking for any ounce of explanation of what had just happened.
When Santana pulled up in front of Brittany's house, she turned the car off and looked down.
"I'm sorry Britt. I know that confused you." She said without looking up.
"What happened? I thought we were having fun?" replied Brittany.
"Things have changed Britt. We can't just keep doing the same stuff we used to." Santana tried to explain.
"Well why not?"
"Because," Santana paused. "Because it hurts too much."
Brittany tilted her head. She still didn't understand.
"How? Why does it hurt?"
"Because you picked Artie!" Snapped Santana.
Brittany leaned back. She wasn't used to Santana snapping at her.
"I can't keep making out with you or cuddling with you knowing that you're just gonna go off and do the same thing with wheelchair boy."
"But we've always done that. Even when I was with Artie." Replied Brittany.
"I know. But I told you I loved you and you picked him. I want you, Britt. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything before. And I don't want to share you. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. But I love you and I want to be with you. And I want you to want to be with me. Only me." Santana began to tear up.
Brittany's breathing deepened. She wanted so badly to hug Santana. To tell her that everything would be okay. But instead she sat there, her hands folded in her lap. She didn't know what to do. She had never been the problem before. She'd never been the person to make Santana cry.
They sat there for several minutes in silence. Santana wiped away her tears and took Brittany's hand in hers.
"I know this is hard for you." She said softly to the blonde. "You wouldn't be you if you didn't think about everyone's feelings. Including Artie's."
"I don't want to hurt you, San. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do." Said Brittany through tears.
"I know. But when it comes down to it, you're going to have to make a choice. Me or him."
Brittany looked at the floor.
"I won't make you choose right now, that's not fair to you." Continued Santana. "But soon you have to make a decision."
Brittany looked out her window. She didn't like being confronted with difficult decisions. Usually Santana would just make the decision for her.
An uncomfortable silence hung over the car. Neither girl wanted to look at the other for fear of breaking down. Finally Santana looked up at Brittany.
"Come here" she said gently.
Brittany leaned in and hugged Santana tightly. Santana did her best not to cry while in Brittany's embrace. They stayed there for a few moments before eventually letting go. Brittany turned to open the door. As she got out of the car she turned back to Santana.
"I do love you San. I really do."
And with that, she shut the door and walked into her house.
Santana tightened her grip on the steering wheel. She choked back a few sobs before turning the engine back on and driving away.