It may have been just a moment or we might have been there a few years, with time like it is, you never know down here but I could spend eternity in this moment and that'd be fine by me. Dean, his breathing jagged, frustration in the form of tears soaking into the shoulder of my jacket. A dark stain of wet pain and this kid is saying "Fuck, man." My arms wrapped around his shoulders and he raised his around my chest and fists the back of my jacket in his hands. He's clinging to me and I'm drowning in his heat, the pulse of it, the beat, the life flowing around me and I hear him saying "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" muffled into the shoulder of my coat.
"I can't do this anymore, man. Benny. I can't." and I'm aware of just how he has wilted into me. I hold him tighter and warmth like flames flicks through me til it is nearly painful and I'm positive that feeling alive shouldn't hurt this much and then it happens. I feel that disturbance, a tiny vibration deep down inside and I'm holding Dean tighter and scanning the trees behind him for a sign. Three's a flash of panic, maybe this close, this kid, maybe he can feel it in me? But it gets stronger, strong enough I think I can feel my heart rattle in my ribs and he's still holding tight and I'm trying to stay relaxed but this vibration is so strong, I know the angel is very close. Dangerously close and only coming closer.
"Dean," I say and run my hand down his back and it's subtle but the air has shifted like suddenly the world is bigger than just the two of us and I can feel him stiffen, turn hard and cold under my touch and it breaks my heart but like a switch thrown we ain't standing here holding on to each other for comfort anymore, we're holding stance and each of us listening hard to the trees around us then his fists relax on my jacket and I can feel his full palm pressed into my back and I'm certain he's feeling the angel's reverberation through me but all he does is tap one finger real intentional. Once. I nod just slightly. A second time and I've got it in my mind where I dropped my blade and just how many movements it would take me to retrieve it. A third time and we are a flurry of motion. He ducks under my arm while I'm spinning to step out to my blade. Within seconds, we are back to back holding our weapons at the ready. I can hardly concentrate, the angel is so near, and the silence pouring out from the woods around us is deafening.
A tense moment passes, and another, but it's just me and the kid in this plot of woods and if it weren't for the way my insides were thrumming, I'd believe what my senses were telling me. Dean sniffs. It's quiet and I'm ashamed as I catch sight of him raise his arm and wipe his eyes with his sleeve. "Benny?" and it's more there than just my name. It sends a flash through me that has nothing to do with fear and everything to do with agony and when my ribs begin to vibrate I start to wonder if the feeling even belonged to me. "Benny?" His tone harsh like I'm some child who isn't responding when called and I step into him so we are touching the back of my shoulders to his again and I say over my shoulder, "There's something out there, sweetheart."
"Are you sure?" It's near a whisper and I can almost feel this kid behind me reaching out into the spaces around us with his hunter senses and coming up empty but this vibration inside me gets stronger, more high pitched, and I'm filled with a sadness so suddenly it takes my breath. It's just a moment, just this tiny glimpse but I see this man flicker right in front of me. He's maybe twenty yards away and staring a hole through me. He's dirty, unshaven, and his long overcoat hangs limp with the muddied effects of time spent in Purgatory. His brow is pinched and it's like he's trying to make me out when he winks out again and I can't see him anymore but I can still feel him there. I reach back and touch Dean on his thigh, to get his attention, but I hold my hand there and I can feel him turning slightly to look over his own shoulder to see what I am seeing. We're stood there frozen, hardly breathing, watching absolutely nothing happen in the dead air in front of us. Everything about this kid is like it's a part of me, my hand on him, his pulse slowed, preparing for attack and quick as it came on the vibrations stop. A part of me relaxes and it's near involuntary but the kid must sense it and, whether it's conscious or not, I can feel him relaxing in response. "What the fuck was all that, Benny?"
I'm still scanning the trees but it's half hearted and I know I'm just stalling. "I thought.. I thought I saw..." but I can't finish the thought and shake my head instead. "It was nothing."
I turn and find myself on the receiving end of this kid's gaze. He's wearing a look that could dissect a person to molecular level and I feel like my every thought is laid bare for him to read. It's difficult not to squirm under that kind of attention but I make myself look away then I hear him sigh. "Why do you lie to me?" he asks and it's an accusation more than a question. I look up, because I owe him that much, and see he's still in a fighting stance, holding his blade. "This," and he swings the point of his blade between us, first pointing to himself and then to me, "isn't going to work if you can't tell me the truth. If I can't trust you, Benny, we may as well part ways now and I'll find my own way out. I want to trust you, man. I really do. Everyone I know lies to me. Sam lies to me. Cas lies to me. Dude, I think even Death lies to me. I just need... I need someone who can tell me the truth. "
He let his blade hang by his side. His eyes still red and raw from wiping tears away. It's in my mind so fresh I can nearly still feel the weight and warmth and passion of him against me and I made a choice.
"I thought I saw your angel."
"No." He says, turning away from me.
"I saw someone." It could have been an apology with the way it sounded to my ears, the way it felt on my own tongue. "He had the long coat you said..."
"No!" He yelled, more than anger pushing the word out. He turned on me, a raging fire encased in stone, his features set yet ablaze and the look in his eyes let me know that he didn't see me as anything special in that moment. He was seeing just any monster that he has encountered during his life and I gripped my blade tighter thinking I ain't made it this far just to have it come to this but I ain't just gonna let him take me out either.
"Brother?" It's a plea for peace as I prepare for him to attack. No wonder everyone lies to him and I'm wondering if his reaction is always to attack the truth like it's his mortal enemy.
"NO! It wasn't Cas! It couldn't have been." He raised that blade, a threat I can't miss. What is going on with this kid? We were just having some honest to God understanding happening and now he's ready to kill me? "Cas wouldn't be this close and not come to me. He wouldn't."
He lifted his face to the sky, that hazed mist and dull canopy of dead and dying leaves, raised his arms in supplication, and called out, "Cas!" He spun his back to me and called again, "Cas!" His voice rough and raw, the sound deep and primal and demanding. "You said you always come when I call, damn it, I am calling you right now you fucking, flitting, feathery... If you can hear me you had best get your ass here!"
He turned again and dropped his arms by his sides and I can see him in profile. The hope and hurt, the need and pain cycling across his features and this one awful tear tracking down his cheek as he screams "CAS!"
The vibration fills my body completely, and in full force, along with the most solid sense of loss I've ever experienced. I watch the dirty angel flicker into view and, of course, he's standing directly behind Dean. He's landed so close, I'm worried Dean might feel a movement of air and turn round to find him there but even the hem of the angel's coat ain't disturbed by any breeze. The air here so stale and stagnant. I grip tighter on my blade, just in case. Dean drops his head, his chin falling to his chest and I can feel the breath he is drawing in, so deep, filling himself up with anything to try and plug that hole, the one letting all this sorrow seep through him. The angel, he cocks his head to the side just a fraction, his brow still pinched but his eyes wide and there is a tangled mess of loss and longing and anger and hate flushing through me with his vibrations. Dean is shaking his head. He mumbles something, "Stupid... stupid, son of a bitch." and the angel's shoulders curl in like he's trying to wrap around the kid. That minuet space between them nearly closes and I think of calling out to Dean but the angel catches my eye and I feel a flood of 'No'. The angel lifts his hand and holds it just above Deans shoulder blade, held just a baby's breath from Dean's jacket. I can feel it, It's all too clear, the only thing this angel wants to do is comfort Dean. He only wants Dean to be safe and happy and He's doing his best to accomplish those goals and it is killing him that He cannot give Dean comfort as well.
I feel a tear slip down my own cheek as I watch Dean cut a look to me, a look that begs why I would ever suggest that his angel would not come to him if he could, and in that same moment the angel looked back to Dean, the deepest sadness in his eyes and he flickered out of sight. My insides still and filled with myself again just as quickly.
"Dean," I choked and tried again. "Dean, I'm sorry. I must have seen something else."
"You must have." He turned away from me again and started to walk forward through the trees. "If he wasn't being held somewhere, Cas would be here. He comes when I call for him."
"I know." I say, softly, falling in step behind him.