AN: I KNOW. ONE WHOLE YEAR. I'M SORRY. My muse left me and I got busy with school, and honestly, I didn't know where I was going with this story. I doubt anyone else is reading this, or is interested in an update, but I'm updating anyway because I'd like to finish what I started. I'm really sorry, guys. But thanks for still reading this. As a peace offering, this is a pretty long chapter to make up for the full year that I was gone.

-I own nothing, still.

"Derek?"

He looked up at the sound of her voice. They were in his office at the hospital. Addison was reading a magazine whilst waiting for Derek to finish up some paperwork.

"Yeah?"

Her eyes met his curious ones and she shrugged. "Whatever happened to the browstone?"

"It's still there," came the reply, smiling to himself at Addison's childlike curiosity.

She raised her brow. "Still ours?"

Derek chuckled, and then nodded. "Still ours, honey."

Addison sighed, putting the magazine aside and standing up. She walked over to Derek's table, keeping eye contact with him as his brows furrowed in confusion.

"What about everything else? My things, photo albums... I don't know, Mark's bike?"

"They're all in the browstone, Addie. When I moved here, I left everything there as they were."

"Hmm." She nodded, thinking about how tempting it was to take a flight back to New York and pretend nothing happened. It was a very tantalizing thought. Upon realizing that their browstone was just as it was, something in her head told her she can move back and pick up where they left off. But she shook her head, reminding herself to stay grounded and be realistic.

"So when you moved here..."

He smiled. "When I moved here, I lived in a trailer."

"A what?" It was difficult to hide the shock in her voice. She was incredulous. Derek had always been a typical New York elite, except for some traces of a woodsman here and there. "You actually lived in a..." she couldn't bring herself to say it.

His smile grew wider at seeing Addison's reaction. She was endearing that way. "In a trailer? Yes. In fact, I still have it. It's parked in the land we bought out here."

"Oh my god."

"Glad to see you haven't changed too much," Derek joked, noting how Addison seemed speechless. The old Addison never would have spent a night inside a lunchbox, far from a decent shower and a real closet.

She shrugged. "Well, not really. But may I remind you that I spent seven years in a basement," she said good-naturedly, trying to make a joke out of the situation.

He caught on, but he didn't say anything. Because if he disapproved of the fact that Addison was treating it lightly, he had no power over her as of yet, especially now that he hadn't said a word about Meredith's condition.

Smiling softly, and grabbing a hold of her hand, he replied, "I really wouldn't like to be reminded." The honest pain in his voice was apparent.

The softness in his tone, and the subtle pain she heard made her slightly regret what she said. So she squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, taking a seat on the chair adjacent to his table while still holding his hand.

He appreciated the apology, but he cleared his throat to break the heaviness of the conversation.

"Do you wanna see the trailer?" he offered. "Well, the land at least. I know you really don't wanna see a tin can."

She scrunched up her nose in thought, all the while feeling she needed an avenue to connect with him somehow. It was all proof of the confusion- just hours before, she told Mark that she was pushing Derek away. But now, she wanted nothing more than to be close to him, to be with him. It was almost as if she was turning bipolar.

He raised a brow at her silence. "You hesitant?" he chuckled, observing her.

Sitting upright and shaking her head furiously, she answered. "No. Not hesistant. I'd love to see what's become of that place."

"I'll take you after shift if you want. I know you're not into picnics much, but if I promise it'll be fun, would you say yes?"

He was hopeful, and he was trying, and she saw that. She appreciated the effort. It seemed like they were both trying to appease each other.

"Yeah, okay. That would be great."

He squeezed her hand again, and they smiled at each other. Nothing could have compared to the comfort of that moment.

"You did what?"

Cristina Yang stared at her best friend incredulously, like she was seeing Meredith in a different light.

Meredith shrugged, but she was inwardly panicking. "I told him I was pregnant."

"What in the world possessed you to do that?"

"I don't know, okay? I don't know what came over me- just that I was desperate and I needed-"

Cristina cut her off. "What are you gonna do when he finds out you're not? He's gonna flip, go ballistic, the whole nine yards."

"I know that. But I had no other choice."

"Yes you did. You just chose to be selfish. I mean fine, I'm on your side and all that. But the girl was gone for a while."

Meredith rolled her eyes in an attempt to justify her actions. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"You could've let him choose."

"And let him break my heart?" she asked disbelievingly. "He already chose. He chose her. That's why I said I was expecting."

"Mer.."

"Look. I'm trying to take this a step at a time. I'm not trying to think about what I'm gonna do when he realizes things."

"Meredith, you're making it worse. And quite frankly, he wouldn't really wanna be with you when he finds out."

Meredith watched Cristina take a bite of her sandwhich. She was right, but she had already told him so there was no turning back.

"Why don't you just go admit it now," Cristina continued, swallow the bite she just had. "Come clean about it now and explain why you did it. If Derek is the guy we all think he is, he'd understand."

She shrugged in reply. She needed to get pregnant quick. It was either that, or admit everything to Derek. She wasn't sure which one was more appealing.

At the back of her head, she knew it was wrong. She knew she was being selfish and incredibly immature. She was always reminded about the difference between mature and immature love, and somehow she knew she cared about Derek's happiness immensely, but wouldn't take too kindly if the reason for his happiness wasn't her.

She sighed, running a hand through her messy hair, taking deep and calming breaths in order to assess the situation. Addison was back. Derek wanted to be with her. Meredith was desperate, so she told him she was pregnant. And knowing Derek as the good guy, he would never abandon his own child. Suddenly the thought scared Meredith. Derek would be extremely passionate about this child, and he would most likely raise hell if he found it she was lying.

And with that, Meredith was back to square one, but she refused to be stuck in a rut.

Addison stared listlessly out of the window, her mind muddled and confused. She and Derek were driving to the trailer, and she had mixed emotions about the whole thing.

Firstly, the very fact that Derek lived in a trailer was reason to shudder in itself. But more than that, she could sense that something big was going to happen tonight, something that would dictate their future yet again. Even if she had been away from him for such a long time, her ability to perceive some things didn't go away. But if she was nervous about it, she was doing an excellent job hiding it. She would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Behind the wheel, Derek's eyes glanced at Addison, knowing full well that she was deep in thought. But that was the least of his worries right now. He had no idea how to broach the subject of Meredith to Addison, not after he had promised her he would leave the blonde to be with her. The whole baby thing would certainly complicate their situation, and he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Addison would not appreciate it or take it lightly.

He had thought about what he would do, or how he would say it. The goal was to ensure that they all would hurt as little as possible over the situation. Well, that, and to make sure the baby was going to live in an environment with as little complications as possible. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he wasn't sure he wanted a baby with Meredith. But a child was a child, and it was his, and he could never even fathom abandoning his own flesh and blood. He thought long and hard about how he was going to deal with the situation—and no matter how he sliced it, he would always always want to end up with Addison.

But Derek was a good man, and to a fault, apparently. Because he made vows, and he had duties, and he was willing to put aside his own happiness in order to fulfill his end of the bargain. He just hated the fact that he would have to hurt Addison over it.

Reaching out, he took hold of Addison's hand and squeezed it. She looked up at him, surprised at the sudden contact, but immediately relaxed and squeezed his hand in return.

He flashed her a smile—not his signature McDreamy smile, but that smile he reserved for Addison and only Addison.

"What did you do while I was in surgery?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road but his hand in Addison's.

From the passenger seat, Addison shrugged. "I spoke to Richard."

He raised a brow and nodded, his silence urging her to continue.

When he said nothing, she shifted in her seat and turned to face him. "How do you feel about me going back to work?" she queried, her voice quiet.

Derek definitely wasn't expecting that. He turned to look at her, studying her visage and wondering where on earth that question came from.

"Um.. well," he stammered slightly. "Hypothetically or, you know, something you're seriously considering?"

Addison shrugged again, turning her eyes to the road. "I don't know. I don't know yet. But I… sort of need to keep myself busy."

She wasn't ready to tell him why she was so adamant about rushing back into work, and he thankfully didn't pry, at least not yet. Only Mark was stubbornly disagreeing to her choices, doing all he could to reason with her. But she would have none of right now, seeing that she was craving for normalcy.

Derek nodded, pondering the question in his head. Was Addison ready for this? Was he ready for this? Did that mean Addison would go back to New York, or did it mean she would take a job in Seattle? If Addison worked in Seattle, would she be ready to work with Meredith as well? And if she decided she wanted to go back to New York, would she expect him to uproot his life in Seattle and move back with her? But more than anything, was Addison stable enough, mentally, physically and emotionally, to throw herself back in a profession that demanded so much of her when she had almost nothing to give? He wasn't sure, and if he could help it, he'd make Addison take at least another year off to heal before even considering going back to being a doctor.

He wondered, too, why Addison was in such a rush, but the wondering quickly went away when he realized why. Addison needed something constant, something to make her sense that not everything in her life had changed. And since he was one of the reasons she couldn't even find decent comfort and constancy, he couldn't really blame her.

What he failed to realize, however, was that Addison was going to use the hospital as a distraction. She was going to use it to keep her nightmares at bay and the mess she called her life as distanced from her as humanly possible. Addison wasn't one to avoid, which was why it never crossed his mind that Addison could be in such a keen state of denial.

When he didn't say anything, she continued.

"It's just… I spoke to Richard before, and he's already offered me a position. I told him I'd need to get my act together first, and I'd need to… you know… brush up on all the medical jargon I wish I haven't completely forgotten." Her tone was small, and unsure, but she was sounding the topic off to Derek to see what he thought of it. But a large part of her knew he wouldn't approve.

"Okay?"

"I mean, I don't need to do surgery at once. I don't need to do that yet. Maybe consults or whatever first. I don't know, honestly. I just really need to do something with my time. You're at work everyday, and I wouldn't want you to take time off just for me, you know?"

He squeezed her hand. "I have no qualms over taking some time off for you, Addie. But you already yelled at me the other night for implying I need to look after you."

They both grimaced at the memory of about two nights prior, when Derek was trying to reach out to Addison, and she had yelled at him about not needing a babysitter every single minute. She refused to let Derek take time off, and she swore up and down that if he did, she was going throw a mad fit. She didn't even consider how incredibly normal it would be for Derek to actually want to take the time off and spend it with her, and didn't even consider that maybe Derek needed to be with her, making up for lost time.

"Yeah, well. I really don't need you to look after me every waking moment, you know."

He nodded. "I know. But..." he debated whether or not he should say it, or even bring the topic up. But before he could think about it too much, the words came flying out. "I can't help but think that if I were looking out for you better, before, in New York, you wouldn't have gone missing."

His voice was pained and quiet, and his breath was bated as he waited for Addison to react.

Addison turned to look at him, and a wave of understanding and realization came over her. She understood now, and she tightened her hold on his hand, casting him a sympathetic look.

"It's not your fault, Derek," she said firmly, needing to reassure him that what happened seven years ago was something out of his control.

Derek shook his head. "It is my fault, Addie. I was supposed to take care of you. You're my wife, and I vowed to make sure you're never hurt. But I failed at that—miserably, I should say, and the guilt has been eating me since."

"Derek…"

"No, Adds. Don't try to absolve me of anything. It's my fault you went missing in the first place. It's my fault we weren't able to find you at once. I mean, if we just looked harder, who knows, maybe I would've found you the next day, or the next month, not seven years later. But it did take seven years to find you, and you were the one that found me, not the other way around. Do you know what kind of message that sends?"

She shook her head, unable to look at his pained expression.

"It shows how I've given up. And that's saying it in a nice way," he continued, unable to stop the flow of thoughts and words coming out of his mouth. "But I didn't give up, Addie. It never crossed my mind to give up."

"I know that," she whispered. "I know that."

"But you don't get it, Adds," he said, his eyes watering slightly as the frustration started to take a hold of him. "I moved to Seattle, hoping to pull myself together, all the while not realizing that there was no way I could find you if I moved 3000 miles from where I first lost you. And then after getting here, I go around and marry some girl, trying to move on with my life, when deep down, my head and my heart were screaming at me to keep looking for you."

"You were hurting," she stated, shaking her head resolutely. "That's perfectly understandable."

"But it's not. Because if it were perfectly understandable, you wouldn't be sitting here, hurting over the choices I've made."

A heavy silence consumed them both, and Derek continued to maneuver the car to the trailer. The tension was palpable, and both of them realized the implication of Derek's words. Addison obviously didn't approve of Derek's choices, but knew that there was no other way. She couldn't have expected him to keep his life on hold for her.

When they reached the land, Derek drove through the rocky ground and parked the car right in from of the trailer, both of them unmoving. They sat inside the car in silence, lost in thought.

"And you know what else is my fault?" Derek asked, breaking the silence.

A pained expression crossed Addison's features before she shook her head.

"It's my fault you're hurting like this. I should never had the reason to hurt you like this."

With a solemn nod, he opened his car door and exited the vehicle, breathing in deeply. The scent of grass and damp wood assaulted his senses, and he was thankful for the calmness in his surroundings—a sharp contrast to his own inner turmoil.

He ran a hand through his hair, letting his fingers pull slightly on his locks in an attempt to avert the headache he knew was coming. Two seconds later, he heard the car open and saw Addison step out of the vehicle while trying to balance herself on the rocky ground.

Despite himself, he chuckled slightly and moved to help Addison regain her footing.

"Easy there," he said, kissing her temple as he held on to her arm for support.

She smiled up at him appreciatively and muttered her thanks. Closing the car door, she turned to him and sighed heavily.

"It's not your fault I'm hurting," she stated. "I mean, we're hurting each other now, but we can't help it. At least not at the moment. But I'd like to believe it'll get better, and we can sort this whole situation out."

Derek pulled her closer and hugged her, letting his arms wrap warmly around her frame. He breathed in the scent of her hair, and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Addie."

"I love you too, Derek," she whispered, savoring their closeness.

When the moment had passed, he stepped aside, granting Addison a good view of the trailer. It was time to lighten up the mood between them.

"Home sweet home," he said, a hint of pride in his voice.

Addison scrunched her nose up as she inspected the exterior of the trailer skeptically. And then without warning, her lips curled, first into a smile, and then she finally broke out laughing. The whole situation was absurd. Her husband was making more than two million dollars a year, and yet he couldn't even buy himself a decent house to live in. It was insane, and she doubled over again when she caught a glimpse of Derek's confused expression.

"Derek," she gasped, "You, I … this is… this is crazy!"

"Hey! Don't mock the trailer," he answered good-naturedly, chuckling amusedly at Addison's reaction.

"It's just… Derek! What would your mom say?"

He smirked. "She doesn't. All she knows is I've been living with Meredith at her house. She doesn't know I kept the trailer and the land."

Addison chuckled. "This is really crazy."

"Glad you think so."

"I mean… can't you afford a house?"

He shrugged, leading her to the trailer door. "Seattle was never something permanent. I'd always meant to go back," he explained, opening the door for her to reveal to trailer's interior.

Addison nodded before she stepped foot inside, letting her eyes scan the place. She wouldn't admit it, but it wasn't too bad. At least there was a bed, and a bathroom, but she doubted she could manage living in such a small space for a long time. Sure, she could do dark and dusty, considering she survived the last seven years of her life. But cramped and isolated? She wasn't really sure.

She walked further into the trailer, allowing her fingers to graze the walls and makeshift tables, smiling slightly. And as she perused the tin can, Derek's eyes never left her for, his chest painful with the love he was feeling for the woman in front of him.

When she reached she bedroom, she sat on the edge of the bed and grinned at him, allowing her hands to rest on her lap. She crossed her ankles and met his gaze.

"Make yourself comfortable Addie," he said from the doorway, and then proceeded to move to the kitchen to fix them some dinner.

"I already am," she called back, and then let her back drop to bed so that her feet were still firmly planted on the floor.

Derek then busied himself with preparing them a meal. There wasn't much in the trailer. When he started sleeping in it again after Addison came back, he only had a few spare moments to get something substantial stocked into the fridge. There was trout, but he knew Addison wouldn't like that, and there were a couple of chicken breasts in it as well.

He was always more of the cook between the two of them, and he would always grin at the memory of Addison attempting to cook while they were still dating. It was something that endeared her to him, and made his heart ache when he thought about it while she was missing.

He tossed the chicken into some seasoned flour and eggs and then set them on a sheet to bake. While it was baking, he set out to make some mashed potatoes and gravy, unconsciously humming to himself.

From the bedroom, Addison smiled when she recognized the tune. It was their wedding song. And whether or not Derek was doing it on purpose, it tugged at her heart and reminded her of why she was fighting for him in the first place.

When dinner was ready, Derek beckoned her to the small table, and set a glass of wine in front of her. She took a seat gratefully.

"Looks great," she commented, eyeing the mashed potatoes smothered in gravy.

"Tastes better," he teased, taking a seat while forking some of the potatoes into his mouth.

Dinner was a silent occasion, both of them just content eating their food and being in each other's presence. But as soon as dessert rolled in, and about 3 glasses of wine were consumed by each, Derek started fidgeting in his seat, knowing now was as perfect a time as any to tell her about Meredith.

He cleared the table and motioned for her to stand up so they could sit on the deck. She complied, sensing his unease, but thankfully didn't say anything about it.

When they had settled on the deck, Derek wrapped one arm on Addison's waist, pulling her closer from where she sat. He rubbed her side and then pressed a kiss on her head.

"There's something else we have to talk about, Addie," he said quietly, his eyes focused on a rock on the ground.

Addison nodded. "I figured as much."

There was a momentary pause before he continued. "I know I said I was going to leave Meredith to be with you, and there is nothing more I want right now than to really be with you. But there are… some things… that I haven't really considered, and you have to know it."

She started playing with the hem of her shirt, a nervous habit she had acquired when she was young. She could tell from the way Derek broached the subject that she was in for a hefty dose of pain tonight, but for his sake, she was letting him finish. She knew full well now that he was hurting too.

"Okay," she answered, urging him to go on.

"But before that, I want you to know that I love you, and that I really need you to understand," he begged. "I need you to understand me and the predicament I'm in, but I don't want you doubting the way I feel for you."

Addison knew she couldn't promise him that because her emotions were all over the place too, but she said she would try.

Satisfied, Derek took one deep calming breath and then proceeded to tell her. "Meredith is pregnant, Addie," he said in one breath, his breath hitching in anticipation of Addison's reaction.

That was the last thing she needed to hear, honestly, and she could feel her heart beating thunderously. Her ears were burning and her mind was on overdrive. Meredith was pregnant. With Derek's baby. What did that mean? Well, of course it meant Derek was going to stay with her, damn it. She knew that. She knew Derek. She knew he wouldn't just leave Meredith hanging when he had a responsibility to fulfill.

Meredith was pregnant. And once again, the tides were changing and the floorboards were moving, and she had to grope her way out of this mess, in the darkness, yet again. Honestly, she felt like a big baseball bat hit her in the face. She was much too in shock to react, but her mind was processing everything—including the implications on her own life as well.

When Addison didn't say anything, Derek started to panic. "Addie, now is a good time to say something," he whispered, hating himself for hurting her.

Addison struggled to regain her presence of mind, reminding herself that she had promised to try. She turned to look at him, her eyes weary.

"She's pregnant," she said, emphasizing the two words as if to make herself comprehend.

Derek closed his eyes and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she whispered slowly. "It's not as if you got her pregnant on purpose, to hurt me," reason taking the front seat, and emotion, the back.

"I would never do that."

"I know," she answered. "But what I would like to know is… what does this mean, exactly? For us?"

Derek sighed. "I don't want to leave you."

"Well you can't leave her," she said, trying her hardest not to snap. "You are responsible for a baby now, for a child. You can't go riding off into the sunset with me!"

"I know that! I know that perfectly well, Addison. But goddamnit, I don't know what to do. You… this… being with you… this is everything I've always wanted. But I can't very well leave Meredith with a baby."

"You don't have to. I won't let you."

She stared at him, her expression hard. She was not going to give her husband up, but she was not going to let him be a coward. At least in that respect, they were on the same page.

"Addie," he started, his voice desperate. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, please. Because I don't have the strength to leave you and walk away from our marriage, and I don't have it in me to leave her too."

Addison looked at him curiously, studying the lines on his face. "Do you want this baby?" she asked, her voice low and quiet.

Derek sighed. No matter how much he felt like the timing was off, a baby was still a blessing he would not, could not refuse.

"Yes," he answered. "But that doesn't change the way I feel for you."

"But it's not about me anymore, Derek," she said, exasperated. "It's not about us. It's not even about the fact that I've been off in some hellhole for seven years. It's about a baby. Yours and Meredith's."

She looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm not necessarily a good person, but I know my conscience won't let me stand in your way. Lord knows I've got enough going on in my head. I don't need the guilt to eat me up, too."

Derek stiffened. Was she giving him an out? Was she letting him go? That easily? He thought they were going to fight, throw things and break bones and say words that would hurt them but ultimately won't mean anything. He stared at her incredulously.

"What are you saying, Addie?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know what I'm saying. But I can't sit around and mope while my husband prepares for the birth of his child with another woman," emphasizing her last few words though she tried to keep the venom out of her voice. "I am not a martyr, Derek. But even so, I'm not strong enough to watch you make a life with her."

"Addison…"

"I am also not heartless. I won't make you choose between me and your child. I won't. But Derek…" her eyes started to water as the gravity of the situation hit her full force. "I need you," she whispered. The confusion was written all over her face. She had mixed emotions about it. She wanted Derek. She didn't want Derek. She wanted to have a life with him, but she didn't want that at the expense of a baby. Moreover, the confusion plaguing her now was intensified by her own unresolved issues about the past seven years.

He pulled her closer to him, and held her long and tight. A look of pain and regret and love and understanding flashed through his features, and he gulped at Addison's display of emotion.

He needed her, too.

They stayed that way for a long time, neither of them knowing how to proceed. The dilemma was something they both knew would affect their lives magnanimously.

"We're not going to end up anywhere tonight, Derek," Addison finally said. "I should go back."

He refused to let go of his hold in her, and kept her in place. " I love you, Addie," he said, for the nth time that day.

"Yeah. I know. I just wish that was enough."

Derek sighed. They were no closer to a decision. In retrospect, Addison should've been the bigger person and let him go if he wasn't strong enough to do that himself. But she was in no condition to be the bigger person, her own emotional instability not permitting her the strength to let him go.

"We'll talk again, I promise," Addison said, extracting herself from Derek's arms to stand up. "We're both tired, and I'm too emotionally drained to think about it any longer."

He nodded mutely and motioned for her to get into the car. Normally he would offer for her to stay over, but he knew both of them needed the time alone to think.

"Let me take you home," he said, before he started driving her back to the hotel.

A/N: Oh guys. I wish I could promise to update really soon, but I've only just gotten a breather from school. Please don't hate me.

On another note, I miss Addison and Derek. I needed to watch some videos on YouTube to get the muse back. But nevertheless, I hope you sort of liked this chapter, even if it took a year to post.