"It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them."
-Confucius
Gwaine was on edge as he stripped off his armor alongside the other Knights, Merlin's face haunting his thoughts. He had been right; this entire situation was a mess.
Someone had to say something; no, he had to say something. He had become more and more frustrated at Arthur over the last several hours of grueling training. It had been obvious Arthur had been channelling all his frustration, anger, and hurt into his fighting- one of the only outlets that he had.
"I'm actually not surprised." He finally said, deciding on a "maybe not so smart to bring up right now" subject.
"About what?" asked Elyan, glancing at Gwaine as he skillfully unbuckled his gauntlets.
"That Merlin has magic." everybody in the room tensed, glancing at Arthur. "I've actually suspected he had magic for a while now, but I decided that he had his reasons for keeping it a secret, and when he was ready to tell us he would." he said, echoing what he had told Merlin only hours before. "Why are you still sitting here Arthur? You should be there, with him!"
"Gwaine-" began Percival, but Gwaine spoke over him, "No, these things need to be said and nobody else is going to." Gwaine said rather harshly. Gwaine was surprising himself just as much as the others, but the memory of Merlin's sorrow and fear were eating at his insides, and it was all because of Arthur that his friend was so miserable.
And it was true, these things had to be said and it was obvious that if he didn't do it they never would be. "He's always given everything for us, for you, hell he even died for us. Have you already forgotten that?"
Arthur said nothing, his expression unreadable.
"It doesn't matter that he has magic! After what we've seen, how can you believe that there is not good in magic, that every sorcerer is evil? You know what he said in the tent, when he was pretending to be Dragoon? he said "I believe in the future Arthur Pendragon will bring. And if I die while eliminating the greatest threat to his destiny, then so be it", He knew he could die, and he still fought for you, for us, for all of Camelot."
Gwaine's voice hadn't risen in volume, it hardly ever did when he got frustrated. But the depth of passion in his voice made him very hard to ignore.
"Careful Gwaine, you're speaking treason in front of your King." said Arthur quietly, though without real menace or anger.
For the first time Gwaine felt a twinge of disappointment in Arthur, "What a sad world it is, where when truth is spoken it's considered treason". With that Gwaine stood and walked out, leaving only stunned silence behind him.
Merlin was a sorcerer. Merlin was Emrys. Merlin had lied to him. Merlin was alive. And Gwaine was right.
Gwaine's outburst had rather unnerved Arthur, not only because it was so unexpected but because it had made him feel ashamed, which was quite the rare occurrence. Everything he had said had been dead on, but what Arthur knew in his heart to be true and what Arthur felt seemed to be two different things.
He had even admitted it once, Merlin had told everyone of his magic in an attempt to save Gwen's life when she had been accused of witchcraft. It had been Arthur himself who brushed the claim aside, writing them off as the ravings of a love sick boy.
("Merlin is such a wonder, but the wonder is that he's such an idiot! There's no way he can be a sorcerer.")
The burst of anger he had felt when he was visiting Merlin had taken him aback. He hadn't intended to yell at the person who had literally died for him, it had just kind of happened.
But that light at the end; that blue orb of light.
("Someone knew I was in trouble and... sent a light to guide the way.")
Had that been Merlin? It must have been; that was the reason Merlin had risked using his magic in such a delicate situation. To show him that he had always been there, dying or not. How had he forgotten it was only because of magic he had survived?
Arthur stood and paced back and forth, replaying every adventure he had been on where something inexplicable had happened. Merlin was always there, of course he was, because he was always with Arthur. It wasn't unusual for a manservant to accompany his master, but the extent to which Merlin did it was. Unusual how often Merlin "disappeared" during danger, only to reappear after the danger had been taken care of.
("Do you know how many times I've had to save your royal backside?")
Arthur smiled wearily at the memory. He used to think Merlin hid during those times, out of fear, but he'd known the young man long enough to know that Merlin didn't really express fear the same way others do. And actually, when it came down to it he was very brave, and indeed, rather reckless at times. He had never hesitated to ride into a dangerous situation beside his King; often both unarmed and unprotected. Well, not unprotected. He had his magic.
Arthur collapsed into his chair with a sigh, feeling suddenly exhausted.
The door opened then closed behind him, but Arthur didn't turn to see who it was- he could guess easily enough from the sound of her footsteps. Gentle hands that could only belong to Guinevere rested on his shoulders from behind "Elyan told me what happened. Are you okay?"
"Honestly, I don't know." answered Arthur truthfully.
Gwen moved around the side, kneeling by the chair and taking his hand in hers. "How can you be like this after everything he's done?" There wasn't accusations or anger in her voice, simply confusion and curiosity.
Absently Arthur rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand "I don't care about his magic so much as I care that I'm not sure if I can trust him like I used to. He's lied to me all this time… for so many years I thought that I knew him."
"You do know him Arthur, we all do." said Gwen firmly.
"But I trusted him with everything, why couldn't he feel the same way?" Arthur looked at her as though begging her for answers, letting down his guard like he had when he had first gone to speak to Merlin. But unlike with Merlin when he had simply become overwhelmed, this time it was voluntary.
"Fear is a very powerful thing Arthur. The first thing that Merlin saw when he walked into Camelot was a man being executed for using Sorcery, and you have never shown any love or understanding for magic. How would that make you feel if you were in his place?" one corner of Gwen's mouth curved up in a small smile. "And besides, I've seen the way you two are around each other. It's obvious you care for him very, very much. Don't let this change that."
Arthur opened his mouth to protest and perhaps verbally abuse Merlin to make a point, but Gwen sternly put one finger to his lips to stop him.
"And he cares about you as well, nobody could fake what I see when you're together. And anyways, if he wasn't being himself do you really think he would act the way he does? Wouldn't he be much more polite?"
Arthur couldn't help but smile as he remembered how often Merlin simply treated him as another person instead of a prince, never worried about insulting him. And how he, for some mysterious reason, tolerated it. Merlin had bullied him into becoming a better person, telling him off whenever he thought he needed it. He was never afraid to stand up for what he believed, to tell Arthur when he thought that he was wrong. He didn't have to do most of what he did, he didn't have to always be there for Arthur. But he was, and he always had been.
("Merlin, what exactly are you going to do."
"I'm going to be at your side, like i always am. Protecting you.")
From the moment Merlin pulled Arthur out of the way of that flying dagger all those years ago Merlin had put himself in harms way for Arthur without hesitation. And why? Arthur teased him, insulted him, took out his frustration on him, but Merlin never failed to be there when Arthur needed him.
Yes, he drove Arthur mad at times, with his lack of respect, inane chatter, constant clumsiness, and occasional idiocrite. But he'd become Arthur's closest friend, his confidant. The person the King could trust above anybody else. It was shattering to find out that he had been lying all that time. But no, Merlin was not Morgana or Agravaine, this was different. Had he really been wrong to trust Merlin? Merlin had never led him astray, never attempted to manipulate, harm, or plot against him.
He felt cold as he remembered all the times he had spoken about the evil of magic, directly to Merlin. It was natural of course, Merlin was the one he always talked to, confided in. No wonder he had been afraid.
("All I know, is that now I've lost both my parents to magic. It is pure evil. I'll never loose sight of that again.")
He was a little startled when Gwen put one hand on his cheek, looking at him understandingly. She had been silent for so long he had almost forgotten she was there, despite the comforting feeling of her hands over his.
"Remember how you felt while Merlin died in your arms: those are your feelings when they're unclouded by confusion and doubt. That was the moment when you were sure what mattered most to you." With that Gwen stood, kissing his forehead before leaving him to his thoughts.
Something that Gaius had once said came back to him forcefully- "I'm not the only one seeking to protect you. There are many more who believe in the world you are trying to create. One day you will learn Arthur, one day you will understand, just how much they've done for you."
Arthur had watched the Sorcerer he detested turn into his best friend: a best friend who was moreover fighting Morgana one-on-one, wielding magic the likes of which Arthur had never seen. Merlin had looked to him the moment he had transformed, looking just as shocked as Arthur felt. Then Merlin was stabbed through the heart and his own seemed to stop. He didn't think about himself or Camelot, it was Merlin he had feared for, and that his friend only had moments left to live. Merlin had died in the end, his last moments spent cradled in Arthur's arms. What had mattered most to him in that moment? That was easy: Merlin. Arthur would have given anything to bring him back, to take all the blood staining both of them and put it back, returning the life to his Merlin.
Anything to revive him - magic and all.
His thoughts drifted back to the first night after his father had died; how he had stayed up all night in a vigil by his father's body. The next morning when he opened the doors Merlin had been sitting there quietly, waiting for him. He hadn't slept; he had stayed awake with Arthur, not leaving him to mourn alone as Arthur had thought. Arthur could never convey how much that had meant to him.
("You've been here all night?"
"I didn't want you to feel that you were alone.")
Why? There would be no reason anybody else other than a friend, loyal beyond description, would do that. It was not expected or required, but much of what Merlin did wasn't. Merlin had always gone out of his way for Arthur, and here Arthur was repaying his loyalty with doubt.
("Why do you care so much for the boy? He's just a servant")
His father had asked him that once, and he still didn't know exactly how to phrase an answer. Only, Merlin wasn't just a servant to Arthur, and he hadn't been for a very long time. He loved Merlin just as he would a brother, and his death had left a hollow space in his heart, filled only by his return.
The core of the problem was that magic was still illegal. So he either did the unthinkable and banished or executed Merlin… or he would have to go against all of his previous beliefs about magic and lift the ban.