AN This is a kind of weird fic, but I never felt like CBS did enough for John Hagen and it breaks my heart everytime I watch the jump from season 3 to season 4 bc they did nothing to honor him, not a funeral, and they didn't spend any time actually talking about it. A few years back I tried to kill myself, and despite Hagen being a fictional character, he deserves to have something out there that can explain and acknowledge his pain. It's set past the end of the show, because this revolves around Calleigh and her relationship with Eric and I wanted them to be together for a few years.

Now something else that is not related to this fic, my Alias sequel is in the works, I just want to upload the beginning chapters all together, but I'm working on it! ^.^ Okay sorry this is so long, onto the fic.

Pain is something that can't be understood fully by someone who has not gone through it. Pain and the things it makes us do, the thoughts it puts in our heads, it makes us view pieces of the world through a lens that can only be understood by those that have been forced to look through it. It's easy to say to someone that everything gets better, that life goes on, and maybe from an outside perspective that is true, things may seem to be alright, but that's only part of the battle. The rest of it is what goes home with you, what keeps you up at night, what weighs your heart down and crushes your lungs and makes it almost impossible to breathe, that's the part people don't understand, and it's painful to have people around you, people you care about, tell you these things, tell you that you're loved, that things will get better, when you know they don't understand.

This pain eats you from the inside out until you're left to survive in a world where you feel worthless and broken and like you don't belong. You overthink every detail, every look someone gives you, every tone of voice, even something small like a vibe someone gives off, you overthink it when there's nothing to think about. And it kills you inside. Anything can trigger it, anything can push you over when you've got no skin left.

John Hagen wished people understood this, understood the pain he was in, understood what it was like for him, everyday trying to survive. But the only ones that understand what it was like to want to take your life are either dead or too afraid to speak up, so he'd spent time hoping that one of these days someone would come along and explain to Calleigh what he was feeling that day, but from what he could tell, no one had yet been able to explain his pain. But to understand her pain, he knew she had Eric, and that made him feel the tiniest better. She deserved that, she'd gone through enough as it is. If someone was there to make her happy, to give her what he couldn't, then that's what matters.

Through a curtain of faded existence he watched Eric and Calleigh sitting together at a restaurant in a different world. It was valentine's day, he could tell, and the smile Calleigh gave Eric was one he'd never gotten the privilege of having, but the fact that she was smiling like that was what he cared about.

"You okay?" It took Hagen a moment to realize that he wasn't alone, Tim Speedle sneaking his way beside him while they both watched the two.

"Yea," He said, "just curious. Happy. For her, for them."

"Doesn't bother you at all?"

"No," he shook his head, "Not after what I put her through."

It was quiet for a moment, both he and Speed watching them smile and laugh from afar, watching Eric lace his hand with hers, watching her squeeze his and offer a sweet smile.

"Can I ask you something?" Speedle asked, a little hesitant, but Hagen nodded so he continued, "Why there? In front of her," Speedle shook his head, "You know it haunts her."

"I know," He sighed heavily, "I didn't... I just..," he shook his head, "I felt out of options, you know? I just... I stole evidence, I put a gun to her head," the way he paused was out of disgust at himself, and Speedle couldn't help but feel bad for him, "I... I couldn't walk anywhere without people knowing about Ray and looking at me solely as the detective with a dirty partner."

There was a small silence, a sympathetic one, and the lack of judgment Speedle was passing gave John the courage to keep on talking, "you ever have one of those days where nothing is working? Where literally everything gets worse with every second?"

"Yea," Speed nodded, he'd been feeling that way a lot during the few months before his death, feeling unhappy and tired and just... done with everything.

"Imagine feeling that every day, and everyday it keeps getting worse and worse," he paused for a moment, keeping his voice steady, "A few years back, before everything happened with Raymond, I'd been assigned a case about the murder of a popular high school senior. The type of guy you either hate or envy, every high school has one. This girl, Jay, was on the list of those with motive. When I interviewed her she told me that a few months before she'd tried to kill herself. When I asked her to be more in depth she told me she'd tried to kill herself in the bathroom at her high school," Hagen glanced to Speed, who just nodded encouragingly for him to continue.

"I asked her why there, somewhere she could easily be found, and she told me it was because it wasn't planned. She didn't go to school that day with a plan for suicide, but the day had just gotten worse and worse and suicide was on her mind months before her actual attempt."
"Was it on your mind a lot?" Speed asked softly, empathetic.

Hagen nodded, "yea, overtime it just got worse and worse, I thought about it every night."
Speedle gazed at Calleigh, she was so comfortable with Eric, absolutely no tension in her body and that was something unusual with Calleigh, she was always on guard, needing to protect herself in anyway. It took a lot for Calleigh to get so open and vulnerable, and it's no question that Eric was the mastermind behind that.

"You didn't walk into Calleigh's lab with the intent of pulling the trigger," Speed stated.

"I didn't, no. I was a lit fuse though, anything could have set me off, anyone. Jay had told me that there were 2 events that triggered her that day. The first one was the real trigger, the one that had lit the fuse, but what triggered her to go into the bathroom to hang herself, was small," he cleared his throat, an anxious habit he'd developed over time, "the main trigger had been that she failed her chemistry exam in her 1st period class, and then in her 2nd period, for some reason she felt this vibe that these kids sitting around her hated her, and it was small but it was too much," he reached Speedle's eyes for the next sentence, "she told me that she hadn't gone into the bathroom with the intent of hanging herself, she just didn't wanna be in class, but everything ended up crashing down and she undid her belt. It was impulsive but she felt like she was out of options," he let the rest of the sentence be left unspoken, and Speedle understood. John never meant to hurt anyone but himself, he'd just, in that moment felt like he had nothing left. He didn't think about how it would affect those around him, he'd just reached his breaking point and was... tired and done.

"What triggered it," he asked, "In that moment, was it something Calleigh said or...?"

"In that moment yes, but it wasn't the reason why."

"So... why then?"

Hagen sighed, wondering if Raymond was around him and Speedle, if he was caught in whatever this life and death limbo was that he and Speed seemed to be stuck in. He had mixed feelings about what he would tell Ray, about whether he should be angry at him for putting him through all of this, or sad that he'd fallen victim to a broken system. Both made his heartache and he was tired of hurting. But a part of him knew that cussing him out wouldn't change anything, wouldn't make him feel better, because it wasn't just him, it was everyone, it was the department and how they looked down on him like he was incapable and fragile.

He was a little fragile, but that was expected, he just hated being treated like a charity case or a fuck up, the latter being the majority of MDPD, people that didn't know him, and it was painful.

He hated that what pushed him over, both of his two triggers, were things said by people he cared for, because they weren't the ones keeping him up at night, they weren't the ones that made him want to curl into a ball and die, they just weren't there in the way he needed them to be, and that's not on them, he could never blame them for that, it just became too much.

"The main one was a convo between me and Horatio in a warehouse about Ray," he kept his eyes on Calleigh, replaying the conversation between he and Horatio over and over again.

"John, I'm going to take it from here."
John had scoffed and shook his head, hurt far deeper than Horatio could ever know, "Ever since Ray died you treat me like I don't know what I'm doing."

Horatio was careful when he spoke, "This is about to get messy and you deserve to walk away clean. So walk away."

"Brother I'll never be clean," he'd said it immediately, the reality of his words and the rawness in his voice, it was obvious how deeply that statement seemed to define him lately. And Horatio didn't know what to do or how to help him besides telling him the truth when John began to walk away.

"Hey John," he paused, waiting for him to look back at him, "that's not true."

He let out a long, heavy sigh, "I'll see ya." And the next time he saw him was in the morgue.

"Horatio didn't want me to work the case because it was going to be messy but, I don't know, this was about my partner, and I wanted on and I was tired of people thinking thinking that I was incapable. He was just trying to keep me safe but... I was tired of being seen as someone unable to do their job."

Speedle nodded, "and Calleigh...?" he asked quietly.

It was an interaction that brought him so much guilt he would do anything in his power to change what happened when he walked into her lab.

"Everyone know's you're a great detective, John."

"Do you?"

She'd hesitated before speaking, "I know how hard you work," She offered him a sad smile, "I would really love to be friends with you, John."

Her words were genuine and the way he scoffed lightly made her heart ache.

"The harshest thing a women can say to a man."

His bluntness caught her off guard and she ducked her head, having eye contact making it that much harder for her heart to take, "Look, why don't I pack up the evidence and we go grab a cup of coffee in the breakroom," she turned and set down the gun she was test firing and offered another heartbreaking smile, "I'll just be a minute."

As she walked past him, Hagen looked down at where she was test firing and realizing that he had nothing left anymore, with life, with Calleigh, with being a cop. It became too much for him to bear, and he couldn't find anything else to stay for. He apathetically, with a bit too much force, pulled his badge from his hip, brushing his thumb over it anxiously and setting it down beside the testfire headphones and the paper she was logging information on. He pulled his gun from it's holster, looking down at it, apathetic, and with barely a moment's hesitation, the familiar click of a cocked gun filled the room. Calleigh recognized it immediately, the same click from the gun that had been at her head just a few hours earlier, the same click that made he truly wonder if she'd make it to tomorrow. In slow motion she turned to see him pushing the muzzle behind his ear and to his skull, and without a moment's hesitation, the sound of gunfire filled her lab, and she watched his body fall to the floor, to where she was just standing moment before , blood pooling around him, and it took everything in her to not fall down with him.

"She said she really just wanted to be my friend, grab a cup of coffee," he shook his head, his voice going hoarse and Speedle watched as a tear fell down his face, taking a moment to steady his voice and try to keep himself together, but it destroyed him, "It wasn't because I had feelings for her and she didn't have them for me, it wasn't because I wanted to hurt her for not wanting me, it was just one more rejection and I just... I couldn't handle it, I felt like everyone hated me, like I was that guy, a cop that no one saw as a cop," he looked at Speed, "I became a cop to help people, and nobody thought I was strong enough to do that, no one thought I capable of it, and maybe they're right. And if that's true... I have no purpose, no reason to be here."

Hagens voice shook a little with guilt and embarrassment because everyone thought he killed himself over being rejected by a girl, but that's nowhere near the reality, at that point anything could have triggered it, and inside he knew that it was inevitable, that he'd be in autopsy that night one way or another. And there was no way for Calleigh to have known that it had nothing to do with her.

He went quiet and they both focused on Eric and Calleigh for a minute. They were happy in a genuine way that could get anyone to smile. The way he looked at her, John thought maybe if they'd let their relationship grow a little more he'd let himself look at her the way Eric did. Even when they were dating, he never let himself fall that hard, didn't want to until he saw her looking at him like she does Eric, and she never did. The smile, the look in her eyes, she'd looked at him with a muted version but it was nowhere near as vibrant as with Eric. He was happy that she was happy, after what he put her through, she deserved to be with someone that would take care of her. When he was alive Delko would be the last person he'd approve of, but now, after all the shit both she and Eric went through, he was different, in a good way, in a way he knew she needed. Hagen couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Calleigh like this, or if he'd ever gotten to really know this Calleigh.

"You're not selfish," Speedle said suddenly, "I mean yea, of course it traumatized Calleigh and changed her, but that doesn't make what you went through invalid. I'm not saying putting Calleigh through that is okay, but you already know that so you don't need to hear it again. But you need to know that the way the department treated you, and what Ray ended up leaving on you, isn't okay, and it's a fucked up thing to have to go through. And I'm really sorry you had to go through that."

Hagen hadn't spent much time with Speedle before, they knew each other but had only spoken a handful of times during cases, so he didn't know him well, but he hadn't expected this to come from him, this sympathy, this compassion. But dying changes things, he learned, and everyone changes with it.

"Thank you," he said, looking to Speed, "I know we don't know each other well Tim, but I appreciate it."

He smiled, "we need to be there for eachother, that's what we're supposed to do."

Talking with Speedle was both comforting and heart breaking, comforting because he'd finally been able to talk about this, to tell someone why, but heartbreaking because he knew that the team missed Speedle every day, and he also knew that nobody missed him like that. Nobody thought about him and all the good times like they did Speedle. With him they just saw a suicidal cop that worked with Raymond Caine, and he hated that. It was nobody's fault and he wouldn't go as far as to envy the legacy Tim Speedle left, but he still wished that people remembered him differently, mainly Calleigh. But there was nothing he could do except hope that Eric can give Calleigh the love and comfort and understanding that she deserves. Because having one boyfriend off himself and another leaving her to question whether or not she'd see him again wasn't fair, so she deserved someone that would treat her right, and despite Delko's lost badge incident, both Hagen and Speedle knew he'd never do anything to hurt her.

They both watched as Eric payed the bill(because she'd gotten the last one and she was far too independent to let Eric always grab it) and then held out his hand for her. She couldn't help but pull him into a tight, intimate hug before allowing him to lead her out of the restaurant and to the car. When outside, before he let her open the door, he circled his arm around her waist and pulled her into a soft, sweet kiss. She melted into him almost instantly, lacing her arms around his neck. But he knew he needed to, so regretfully so he broke the kiss, touching his forehead to hers, his hands tracing along her ribs, her spine, feeling the soft skin of her bare back, the black dress she wore backless, the kind of dress that let you know she was going to take the reins tonight. And Eric was A-okay with that. But before he could let that happen, he had one more thing he had to do.

He left a soft, sweet kiss on her lips, his brushing hers only once before he spoke.

"Calleigh," he murmured and she smiled at him, "Eric."

He smiled back, his heart pounding hard in his chest, but the look she gave him fueled his confidence, and before Speed, John, or Calleigh could realize what was happening, he started to go down on one knee and all three of their hearts clenched. Before she could let him get fully on the ground, though, she pulled him back up to her, her hands in his hair and fused their lips together, kissing him hard and hot, one of those breathtaking kisses that answered the question before he'd gotten to ask it. But he wanted to hear her say it, so he pulled himself out of the kiss, both his hands cupping her face, his thumbs rubbing circles over her cheeks.

"Marry me," he murmured, his eyes on hers, his heart out there with nothing to protect it. It was more of a statement than a question, and it made Calleigh pull him back into one of those kisses that were reserved for special occasions.

When she pulled away, their foreheads still touching, she smiled at him, her hands running through his hair.

"Of course," she murmured, "I love you."

Speedle watched Hagen, nervous about how this might affect him, but from what he could tell he was only happy for her. Because she deserved this, she deserved to be happy, she deserved someone that would take care of her, that would put his life on the line for her, that would do anything for her. And she finally got it, someone that would protect her heart from all the pain that was out there. She was happy, and that meant Hagen was happy.

"You okay?" he asked again.

Hagen nodded with a smile, "yea, of course. This is what she deserves."

There was so much that John had left unspoken, so many questions that no one would be able to answer. But Eric was there now, for good, to protect her from whatever other pain that was out there, to make her smile and laugh and feel loved and happy, that would hold her when the bottle she used to bottle everything up bursted, that would do anything to make sure that she was okay.

And despite what people may assume, this is all that John Hagen had ever truly wanted, his dying wish, for someone to come along and help her heal, because after everything she's been through, she deserved someone like Eric. And he hoped that somehow she would know that his death wasn't about her, and that all he wants is for her to heal.